Here Comes Treble

Dwight:I am the master of Halloween. I have been preparing for this moment all year.

Dwight:I am a fearsome warrior, ready to conquer all who dare challenge me.

Dwight:Halloween is the best day of the year.

Dwight:Actually, it's the worst decision I've ever made.

Dwight:Well, I've accepted my fate. A rotting pumpkin on my head for months. It's actually quite practical—the decomposition will provide natural nutrients for my scalp. And when it finally crumbles away, I'll have built character. Plus, the smell will keep people at a distance, which increases my productivity by at least 15%.

Pam:I'm going as a cancer doctor princess. What? It's specific!

Pam:Jim, what are you supposed to be?

Jim:I'm a cat.

Pam:You're wearing a dog collar.

Jim:I am in costume.

Jim:I'm dressed as a businessman.

Pam:Jim won't tell me anything about the business anymore. It's like he's keeping state secrets. Yesterday I asked what he was wearing for Halloween and he said, 'That's classified.'

Jim:Okay, okay, I get it. You're mad at me.

Pam:Mad doesn't even cover it. I'm going to be mad at you forever.

Jim:Forever? Come on, Pam.

Pam:Yes. Forever. I've already blocked out the rest of my calendar.

Andy:Has anyone seen Treble?

Andy:We're gonna get in a lot of trouble without our fourth member.

Kevin:They all look like laboratory clones

Jim:Wait, you went to Cornell? I had no idea.

Andy:Yeah, I went to Cornell.

Jim:That's impressive.

Andy:Thank you.

Jim:No, I mean it's impressive that you only mention it like fifty times a day.

Todd Packer:So where are you guys sleeping tonight?

Todd Packer:Both in the same bed? That's cool, that's cool. No judgment.

Andy:I'm gonna perform my signature song from college. Oh man, people loved this song.

Andy:I'm talking standing ovations, requests for encores, the whole thing.

Andy:I wrote it myself. It's called 'Sweeney's Song.'

Erin:Oh my god, Jim! There's a monster eating you!

Erin:Nom nom nom nom! Another Jim! Nom nom nom!

Erin:So many Jims! The monster can't get enough Jims!

Dwight:What do we have here? A pharmaceutical anomaly. Single tablet, unknown origin, possibly expired.

Dwight:The color suggests ibuprofen, but the markings are inconsistent with FDA standards.

Dwight:I'm going to need to run a full analysis. This could be anything — a placebo, a performance enhancer, or a threat to Dunder Mifflin's workplace safety protocols.

Dwight:Nobody touch this. It's evidence now.

Dwight:A pill that treats anxiety? That's a sign of weakness. The weak need pills. I don't need pills. I need discipline.

Jim:Dwight, it's just a—

Dwight:Anyone who takes anxiety medication is a madman. A certifiable lunatic.

Toby:I'm going as Sexy Toby.

Oscar:That's a contradiction.

Kevin:Yeah, nobody wants to see that.

Dwight:If you have anxiety pills, that means you're off anxiety. You don't need them anymore.

Nellie:I don't want Dwight knowing about my anxiety. He'd use it against me. He'd probably make some comment about how I'm sneezing wrong or something equally absurd.

Andy:In college, I was known as 'Boner Champ.' It was my identity. Everything I did, every achievement, every relationship—it all traced back to that one glorious nickname.

Andy:You got Qs, I got As.

Cornell Student:You got AIDS?

Andy:You want to know how I got the nickname 'The Nard Dog'?

Cornell student:Yeah, sure.

Andy:Well, in high school, I was really into acapella, and my friends started calling me 'The Nard Dog' because of my last name, Bernard.

Cornell student:Oh, that's cool. Yeah, we had a guy at my high school we called 'The Nard Dog' too.

Andy:Really? What was his name?

Cornell student:I don't remember. But he was way cooler than you.

Andy:I'm not 'The Nard Dog.' I'm not 'Dwight's friend.' I'm Andrew Bernard, Regional Director of Dunder Mifflin Scranton!

Jim:So how much should we invest?

Pam:I don't know, maybe we should start small?

Jim:You know what, let's just go all in.

Dwight:Darryl, I need to ask you something important. Do you believe the government is using nanobots to monitor our thoughts?

Darryl:No, Dwight. No, I do not.

Dwight:Well, you should. They're in the water supply. I've done my research.

Darryl:Man, you need help.

Dwight:Peanut butter is a government conspiracy to control our minds through legume-based mind control particles.

Darryl:Oh yeah, yeah, I've heard about that. That's real.

Dwight:You have?

Darryl:Yeah, man. They put it in the Skippy. That's the government brand.

Dwight:Exactly! Thank you. Finally someone who gets it.

Darryl:And the creamy kind is stronger than the chunky.

Andy:I got the nickname 'Boner Champ' because in high school I hooked up with a snowman. And I didn't just... you know... I was very thorough.

Andy:So I built this snowman in my front yard, and someone came along and knocked its head clean off. Just decapitated it.

Phyllis:That's terrible!

Andy:Yeah, and then the next day, I found the head in Phyllis's front window display.

Oscar:I'm dressed as a state senator who takes bribes.

State Senator:Hey, I know you!

Oscar:You do?

State Senator:Yeah, you're that guy who dresses up like me every Halloween to make fun of me.

Oscar:Well, actually, I'm just making a general political statement about—

State Senator:No, no, I get it. It's funny. I'm corrupt. Very clever.

Toby:Why are you dressed as me?

Darryl:Halloween costume. You're the scariest thing in this office.

Toby:That's... I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Darryl:Yeah, people are already running away. It's working great.

Dwight:I don't need anxiety medication. I have complete control over my emotions.

Dwight:My heart rate is a steady 140 beats per minute. My palms are sweating through my shirt. I haven't slept in four days, but that's because I'm mentally superior, not anxious.

Dwight:I've set up an elaborate trap to catch whoever's been taking pills from the office supply closet.

Creed:Oh nice, are these the good ones?

Creed:Don't mind if I do.

Jim:It's not a big deal, really. Just a small investment.

Pam:Jim, you literally just told me you mortgaged the house.

Michael:I know, I know. I've been doing that joke for years and it never gets old.

Unknown:Actually, it does.

Michael:That's what she said.

Andy:No, no, no, wait! That's not my signature song anymore!

Andy:I have a new signature song now!

Andy:Please, just let me sing it for you guys instead!

Andy:You're gonna ruin everything!

Andy Bernard:Hey, check out my George Michael costume!

Cornell student:Oh cool, you're dressed as Post Malone?

Broccoli Rob:I performed Andy's song because music is like emergency medicine. You gotta treat it with a 'wham' — you know, like 'wham' bam thank you ma'am, but also like 'wham' as in impact, urgency. You need that immediate effect or people don't respond.

Broccoli Rob:I'll settle this. My signature song is 'Lazy Scranton.' I wrote it, I perform it, it's mine.

Dwight:That's not a real song. You just made that up right now.

Broccoli Rob:I have witnesses. I have documentation. I have a notarized statement from a guy I know.

Jim:Who is this guy?

Broccoli Rob:His name is Gerald. He's a notary. Also a dentist. Also my cousin. But those facts are separate.

Broccoli Rob:I can sing. Trey Anastasio told me I had a beautiful voice.

Trey Anastasio:You do.

Jim:We have to sing Monster Mash.

Angela:If we have to sing Monster Mash, then we have to do the dance too.

Angela:And if we do the dance, we have to wear the costumes.

Angela:And if we wear the costumes, we have to commit to the bit for the entire workday.

Angela:Which means we have to cancel all our meetings, reorganize the office layout, and potentially move to a Halloween-themed workplace indefinitely.

Jim:But it's a good song though.

Pam:No it's not.

Jim:Yes it is. Think about it logically—

Pam:I don't care about logic. I hate it.

Andy:I was Boner Champ in college. That was my nickname. And now... now I'm just Andy. Just regular Andy.

Andy:Without that name, who am I? What am I? I've lost my identity.

Andy:You know, I was talking to someone at the Bernard family foundation the other day...

Andy:And they told me something pretty wild. Turns out... Bernard is actually a family name.

Dwight:Mose needs anxiety medication because he's very anxious. But here's the thing - there are actually several Moses in my family.

Dwight:There's Mose, there's my other cousin Mose, and then there's the Mose who tried to burn down the beet farm. That Mose is the one with the real anxiety problem.

Andy:Hey Mom, I just wanted to let you know I'm donating $5,000 to the Cornell library in your name.

Andy's Mom:That's wonderful, sweetheart!

Andy:I know, right? They're naming the whole east wing after us.

Andy's Mom:Oh Andy, that's so generous. Your father would be so proud.

Andy:Well actually, Mom, I was thinking we could make it $10,000 and really make a statement.

Andy's Mom:Honey, that's so kind of you to think of your Cornell legacy. By the way, did you know your father gave $50,000 to Princeton?

Andy:...What?