Make Room For Lisa

Homer:Wait, it's 1939? I gotta warn everyone about Hitler!

Homer:But first... is there a Coldstone Creamery around here?

Homer:Wait, if I'm in 1939, then Barney hasn't been born yet!

Barney:What? Homer, I'm standing right here!

Homer:No you're not. You're a time paradox. I'm not talking to you.

Radio DJ:And now, here's 80s sensation Men Without Hats!

Radio DJ:They really came and went... much like their hats.

Radio DJ:This place is wilder than a Scorsese film crossed with a Disney movie!

Marge:Homer, you're blocking traffic. Move!

Homer:I am now Lord of the Drinks. All hail Lord Homer!

Bart:Dad, you said we'd spend the whole day together!

Lisa:You promised us father-child day this month.

Homer:Well, I'm here aren't I? That's like... 40% of parenting right there.

Homer:Your mother does the other 60%, which is basically the same as what I do, so really we're even.

Homer:You know, I'm not a bad father. I mean, I'm no Abe Simpson, but I'm no deadbeat dad either.

Homer:Although, come to think of it, Dad did leave us for weeks at a time... and I've left Bart at the mini-mart before.

Homer:Hmm, I'm starting to see the pattern here.

Marge:Homer! That's a terrible thing to say about your father!

Homer:What? I was obviously joking.

Lisa:Dad, there's a book fair at school this weekend!

Homer:A book fair? Oh boy, I love fairs! Will there be a Ferris wheel? A house of mirrors? A guy who eats glass?

Lisa:No, Dad, it's a fair about books.

Homer:Oh. Then what's the point?

Homer:Yeah, like Marmaduke. That strip is a window into the lives of upper-middle-class dog owners. Historically significant.

Homer:Lisa, Lisa. You're thinking about this all wrong. The government has much bigger problems to worry about than corporate sponsorship. Like why do we need two Post Offices on the same street? And who's gonna stop me from driving backwards on the highway? And what's the deal with the moon? We've been there, we know what it is. Why do we keep looking at it?

Lisa:Oh my God, is that Lincoln's actual hat?

Homer:Yeah, well thank God for grave robbers, or we wouldn't have anything to look at.

Lisa:Who's the Fonz?

Homer:The Fonz? He's the coolest guy in the world. He wears a leather jacket, rides a motorcycle, and he's so cool that if he gives you the thumbs up, you become cool too.

Homer:He jumped over a shark on water skis once. After that, nobody cared about him anymore.

Homer:But before that, he was the greatest thing that ever happened to television. He taught us all how to be cool.

Security Guard:Sir, you've got chocolate on the Bill of Rights.

Homer:Mmm... Bill of Rights.

Security Guard:You just licked the First Amendment!

Omnitouch Representative:Real money doesn't grow on trees.

Homer:Finally! A corporation that understands my financial limitations!

Homer Simpson:They really understand my needs.

Omnitouch Representative:At Omnitouch, we're committed to leveraging synergistic solutions that empower stakeholders through paradigm-shifting innovation to maximize human capital optimization.

Homer Simpson:Why is there a giant cellular transmitter on my roof? This thing is gonna fry my brain!

Omnitouch Representative:Sir, we prefer to call it a 'non-invasive electromagnetic optimization unit.'

Homer Simpson:That's just a fancy way of saying it's gonna kill me.

Omnitouch Representative:We call that 'lifestyle enhancement.'

Homer:Mmm... this couch is almost as comfortable as Garfield's lasagna.

Marge:That antenna is such an eyesore.

Omnitouch Representative:Eyesore? Ma'am, we prefer to call it a 'carbon-neutral communications tree.'

Lisa:Wait, you didn't... you couldn't have... You sold my saxophone?!

Lisa:Dad, why didn't you put the equipment in your own room?

Homer:Well, Lisa, if I had thought of that, I would have done it.

Marge:Daddy's desecration of priceless artifact

Homer:It's not the first time

Lisa:Dad, you taped over my favorite movie!

Homer:Oh, that movie about the guy... who does the thing?

Lisa:No, Dad, it was a serious drama.

Homer:Well, don't worry. By next week, you'll have forgotten all about it and we'll all laugh about how silly this whole thing was.

Bart:Listen up, man. You're in my room now. First rule: what I say goes. Second rule: you do what I say. Third rule: if you break rules one and two, I'm gonna...

Lisa:Bart, we're supposed to share this room equally.

Bart:Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna pound you!

Bart:Okay, listen up. First, there's the TV. That's God. Then there's me. I'm Jesus. Then there's you, and you're like... the Pope or something. And then there's Milhouse, and he's Satan.

Marge:I should call Omnitouch about these privacy issues.

Homer:I use ketchup on everything. Even ice cream.

Lisa:Bart, stop squeaking that chair! It's driving me crazy!

Bart:What? I'm not doing anything. This is just how I sit.

Homer:Bart, check it out! I've entered us in the pen-clicking championship. We're gonna be unstoppable!

Bart:Dad, we're grown men clicking pens. Don't you see how pathetic that is?

Homer:Pathetic?! This is the pinnacle of athletic achievement! Now come on, we've got three weeks to train!

Bart:I'm out. I have some self-respect left.

Homer:Your loss, boy. More glory for me!

Homer:Wait, wait. Lisa, I'm sorry. But I gotta ask... whose mayonnaise did I eat?

Lisa:That's what you're concerned about?

Homer:Well, yeah. If it was Barney's, I'm gonna need a doctor.

Lisa:Studying is fun to me.

Homer:Fun?! That's the most boring thing I've ever heard!

Krusty:Help! Help! I'm being held captive!

Police dispatcher:We're tracing the call. Where are you?

Krusty:I don't know! Some woman brought me here!

Police dispatcher:What does she look like?

Krusty:I thought she was a woman! Turns out it was a guy in drag!

Marge:Lisa, honey, what's wrong? Your stomach?

Lisa:Yeah, Mom. I don't feel so good.

Marge:Oh, I know what'll help. Let me check Homer's diaper.

Homer:Wha—? I don't need a diaper!

Marge:Sweetie, you've been cranky all morning, you keep tugging at your pants, and you won't stop whining. The signs are all there.

Dr. Hibbert:Laughter is the best medicine. Well, except for actual medicine, of course. Hehehehe!

Dr. Hibbert:Of course, I suppose my constant chuckling is just a mindless coping mechanism to mask my crippling depression. Hehehehe!

Doctor:Have you considered herbal remedies? Ginkgo biloba, echinacea, St. John's wort?

Homer:Doc, the only herb I trust is the one that makes my food taste good. And the only remedy I need is a donut and a Duff beer.

Homer:Keep your fancy plant juice away from me. I didn't survive this long by putting weird stuff in my body.

Homer:Alternative medicine? I don't believe in that quack stuff.

Doctor Nick:But Mr. Simpson, I'm a real doctor.

Homer:Yeah, that's what makes you a quack!

Homer:I'm open-minded! I once went to a Phish concert.

Homer:I'm very accepting of other cultures.

Homer:Why, just the other day I tried that exotic Chinese custom... the toothbrush!

Store Clerk:Namaste.

Homer:Na-ma-STAY! Why should I leave?

Store Clerk:These crystals will align your chakras and extend your life by decades.

Homer:Really? How come celebrities live so long then?

Store Clerk:Oh, they don't. We just keep Weekend at Bernie's-ing them.

Clerk:This sensory deprivation tank removes all outside stimuli. You'll float in complete darkness and silence for as long as you like.

Homer:Can I bring a sandwich?

Lisa:Fascinating. My consciousness is fragmenting into recursive loops of self-awareness. I'm simultaneously observing my own neurological processes while being subject to them. It's like I'm a strange loop, a tangled hierarchy of—oh my God, I'm thinking about thinking about thinking. This is the ouroboros of consciousness devouring itself!

Bart:Alert! We have a 10-54 on Route 9!

Bart:A dangerous bovine has escaped from the farm!

Bart:All units, approach with extreme caution. The suspect is armed and extremely udder-ly dangerous!

Bart:*gunfire sounds* We got him! The cow is down! I repeat, the cow is down!

Marge:Oh my God, I hit him!

Bart:Don't worry, Mom. I'll take the blame.

Marge:Would you, Bart? You're so good at getting in trouble anyway.

New Age Store Owner:But the crystals promised prosperity! The tarot cards said my business would flourish!

Bank Official:Yeah, well the numbers don't lie. You're being repossessed.

New Age Store Owner:This can't be right. I consulted the I Ching, read my aura, even did a past-life regression!

Bank Official:In your past life, you were also bad at business.

Mover:Now remember, always lift with your legs, not your back. Proper form is essential to avoid injury.

Mover:We're fully insured, so just throw your back out!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Rod Flanders:Dad, we buried him really deep!

Ned Flanders:I know, son. But I'm worried... will the Lord be able to find him?

Lisa:Ugh, I can't believe I'm eating bacon. Do you know what's in this stuff?

Homer:Bacon?

Lisa:Besides the obvious pig parts, there's also hickory-smoked bacon, maple bacon, chocolate-covered bacon, beer-battered bacon, and bacon-flavored bacon!

Homer:Your point being?

Lisa:My point is there's also ghost bacon, time-traveling bacon from the future, and sentient bacon that's currently filing a lawsuit!

Homer:What's wrong with Lisa? She's been giving me the silent treatment all day.

Marge:Homer, you called her ballet recital a 'dump.'

Homer:I was just being honest! Besides, I only came because Lisa wanted me there.

Lisa:Dad, I want to understand what it's like to be you.

Homer:Well, it's pretty great. Donuts, TV, beer...

Lisa:No, I mean really experience your life.

Homer:Oh. Well, you wake up, realize you're still married to your wife, and the day just gets worse from there.

Lisa:I'm going to try living as you for one day.

Homer:Good luck with that, sweetie.

Lisa:This is hopeless. I can't even reach the top shelf at work.

Homer:Welcome to my world.

Lisa:And everyone keeps yelling at me for things I don't remember doing.

Homer:Yep. Now you're getting it.

Lisa:Dad... I'm sorry. I had no idea how hard your life was.

Homer:Aw, don't worry about it, Lise. At least you tried. That's more than I ever do.

Homer:Wait a minute... I've been acting like this the whole time?

Homer:No wonder everyone's always mad at me.

Homer:I'm exhausting!

Homer:Could demolition derby be any better?

Lisa:Well, actually, yes. If we implemented stricter safety regulations and required mandatory helmet inspections before each event.

Homer:Lisa, I was just being sarcastic.

Lisa:I know, Dad. But I genuinely agree with you for once.