Krusty

Turn them in, and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's

Turn them in, and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's

Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon?

but maybe that's because we haven't used enough... gunpowder!

Comedy, thy name is Krusty.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm dying. I'm dying.

Give a hoot. Read a book.

I plead guilty, Your Honor. Oh. I mean, not guilty. Opening nightjitters, Your Honor.

Aaah!

No, I can't! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy?

Is it a crime to bet on sporting events? Yes, it is! Oh.

I knew it! This happens to me evey time.

It better not, you dimwit!

Hey! Settle down, boys and girls. Or Krusty will bring out his friend Corporal Punishment again.

The food, the grog.... They threw a brunch with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon.

I told them you would. Don't make me a liar!

That question is out of bounds. Interview's over!

If you haven't asked your parents' permission-- naughty, naughty... but Krusty forgives you.

That's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel... Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina... and from Knots Landing, Miss Donna Mills. Oh, she was a sport.

You've got a merchandising meeting. - Cancel it! - Therapist? Cancel it! The line on the Giants is 5½. Put a dime on it.

'Thank you' dinner with Bart Simpson? I don't know Bart Simpson. The boy who saved you from jail. Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Hey! Not the face!

Go wait in the car.

Baruch ata Adonai... Eloheinu melech ha-olam... ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.

Do you think about your father a lot? All the time. Except when I'm at the track.

For the love of God, cut to the commercial!

Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you?

I'm not doing the spotlight bit.

Oy, a klop tsu deer! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

346 consecutive hours... and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop!

I wanted to do something... to help... so I called my friend, Sting. He said... 'When do you need me?' I said, 'Thursday.' He said, 'I'm busy.' I said, 'Friday?' He said... 'Friday's worse.' Then he said, 'How about Saturday?' I said, 'Fine.' True story.

We got to pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know, those limos out back aren't free. Whatever's left, we throw down the well.

Just don't drop it in the shower.

If they open the books on this telethon I'm right back in there.

Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny. Okay, this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist-- Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results.

I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me. Now here's-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black.

Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! [Man] Point and game, Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down? [Chortles] Sorry, folks.

Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? Are you and Princess Di just friends? You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way!

I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty. Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face! [Gasping] It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple.

At least you're not as bad as Customs. How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. [Loud Sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! [Sobbing] Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- Tijuana! [Cheering]

I heartily endorse this event or product.

What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning.

Krusty! About time you got here. Yeah, yeah. What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser?

Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right. [Snoring] Oh, that just kept goin', huh?

Oh, that just kept goin', huh?

This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because-- What does that say? Oh. It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality. Uh, personally.

Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing? Um-- Take your time, dear. Good thing.

And don't say it'll never happen... because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. Click, click. You know.

I'll be played by Jimmy Smits

Not the face!

Krusty Burger is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics!

Coochy coochy coo! - Krusty funny. - Duh.

I almost swallowed some of the juice. I'll be tasting that for weeks.

Not to worry, Mr. 'K.' We've rigged the cards. They're all in events that Communists never lose. I like. I like.

Oy!

You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger.

Krusty, why are you here? Eh, it's part of my public service... for my glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump.

You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son!

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.

Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump.

Sideshow Mel censored on Krusty show: 'You're a--[bleep]'

Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this. I wouldn't. Right on.

Ralph's innocent declaration on TV: 'I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!'

Hey, I don't do The Jewish stuff on the air.

Ix-nay on the ew-Jay. Roll the cartoon.

Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- [Chuckles] Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

Well, here we are. The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon!

What the-- That's terrible! First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here. Nothin'!

[Imitating Vin Scully] Let's take time out from this triple play to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausage. Mm-mmm!

Don't forget the Special Olympics. Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics.

I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor. ¡Ay! Oh, que lástima. [Chuckles] I gotta steal that bit.

So, you want ventriloquism, do ya? All right, watch this. Hello, Alphonse. I've got a riddle for you. Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know. Why is a-- [All Screaming] Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead! [Screaming]

All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show I will send you $40! [Announcer] Checks will not be honored.

Well, kids, this is where you would watch Itchy and Scratchy except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team Worker and Parasite!

Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show except for that week Ray Jay Johnson was my co-host. 'You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay.' Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

The important thing is, we're like a family. Krusty, I-- Shut your hole!

Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop?

'Oh, Kyle, I just don't think I fit in here at Melrose Place.' From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.

Come on, you stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! No, don't look at me! Run! No! Don't come over here!

Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad.

Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood.

If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

I didn't know you knew Luke Perry! [Scoffs] Know him? He's my worthless half-brother. He's a big TV star. Yeah, on Fox.

Krusty, what have you done to yourself? I thought I'd get into shape, so I've been drinking nothing but milk shakes. You mean those diet milk shakes? Uh-oh.

You can sleep on the sofa. It folds right out. [Grunting, Yelling] Oh, wait. That was the old sofa. [Screeching]

But you've gotta comeback, Mel! We're a team. No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Here's your taco, mister. Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry, Krusty. I like it here. Mr. Johannson treats me with dignity.

Look, kids! A horsie! And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry? A 19th-century carousel. [Yells] Upstage me, will ya? Get the hell out!

Look, there must be something I can do on the show. Please. For Mom's sake? Well, maybe we can find something.

Would you mind changing 'em for the show? Forget you, clown. Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Well, okay. But here, where you say 'What I got, you gotta get and put it in you,' how about just, 'What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you'? Wow! That's much better. Everyone can enjoy that.

I love you, Krusty. Quiet!

Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry? Fire away, Krusty. [Yelling] Aah! My face! My valuable face!

Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head. Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing. Oh, yeah? Get a load of this. [Singing Opera]

This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this. Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why.

Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. [Sobbing] Oy!

That's all right, Krusty. We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Hey. That seltzer ain't free.

There once was a man named Enis-- I can just haul it away, free?

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

Ay, ay, ay! No me gusta! I'm sorry. I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. It's just-- It's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. How about a giant mousetrap? I love it!

I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail. Oh, I-- I reunited you with your estranged father. Uh, I don't, uh-- I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately?

I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it.

Wow! A big clown hankie. It's a towel, you yutz! I want you to wash it. You're my new assistant.

Don't listen to him, kid. This is a dream factory. The birthplace of magic and enchantment. Now I need you to go clean out my toilet.

Right in here, boy. If it-- Ooh! I don't know what I was thinking last night. This'll take you a couple hours.

Yes, Krusty? Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop.

Aah! There's cheese in this sandwich! Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant! Sorry. Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy. Come stand next to the bathroom door. I want to yell at you some more.

Bart! I need to use you in a sketch. You want me to be on the show? It's just one line. Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead. Dead? Or sick. I don't know. I forget.

All you gotta do is say, 'I am waiting for a bus.' Then I hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that?

What happened? Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all. Finished? It happens all the time. That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived. The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory.

Learn from a professional, kid. [Car door closing, tires screeching]

Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! All right. Where's my 400 bucks?

How can you be here when your show's on live? Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.

Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning. / Shut up and conduct!

Hope you enjoyed that, kids, because Krusty's out of here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running classic Krusty. Enjoy!

Nothing gets chocolate out. See?

What does that say? 'Talk to the audience'? Oh, God, this is always death.

The violentest place on Earth

Well, he framed me for armed robbery... but, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

In the world of the future, we'll need laughter, so I'm in.

There's nothing better than a cigarette...unless it's a cigarette lit with a $100 bill.

Put 5000 bucks on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator.

My house is dirty. Buy me a clean one.

Did you send 1000 roses to Bea Arthur's grave? - Yes. But she's... - I don't wanna hear the end of sentences.

My 'Seven Words You Can't Say on TV' bit was entirely different from your bit.

So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuse me!

Come on. How about letting me go double or nothing on the opera tonight. - Who do you like? - The tenor.

Gambling is the finest thing a person can do if he's good at it.

I'll just cut back on the condor-egg omelets. A couple of those would be tasty right now.

Those are supposed to be baggy pants. Baggy! - I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga...Seattle. - Stop it. You're killing me. Seattle.

It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off. But if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.

Burn that seat.

Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you?

You'll now go back to your hometowns and do kids' parties, swap meets, and the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole.

Now come and get your catskins...I mean, sheepskins.

Oh, I thought the Generals were due.

He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. Take the ball.

That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sake.

You can't get blood from a turnip.

I look exactly the same, you moron!

I can't see, you idiot. Take your hands off my eyes.

Forty-eight dollars. - Here's 50. - And 2, your change. And we thank you.

His sexual-harassment suit.

You're hot. Let's get some dinner after the show. / I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel? / We've never spoken outside of work.

Wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. / If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. / And now a word from my new sponsor. / Percodan?! Oh, crap!

I contend the tourists were decapitated... before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.

Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides! / Krusty, that wasn't the metal one. That was a regular Krusty-O. / It's poison.

I won't let you down! Well, I might let you down on Silly Sailor.

Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it 'the forward pass.'

Your generous donations have made this our slipperiest, slimiest slobstacle course ever!

How can we afford it? It's rancid!

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! Let's not go nuts!

Wait. If I could only stay on the air... I'd have 100% of the audience. Think of the ratings.

I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness!

Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower!

Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower!

It's The Stingy and Battery Show.! They bite and light and bite and light and bite

What the hell is that? A lawn mower?

If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions.

Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

Can I play 'Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One'? - Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Aah! Oh, is there no relief?

It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas! Brought to you by ILG- selling your body's chemicals after you die.

Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish. Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Garnish my celery? Please, Krusty. No jokes. Who's joking?

For example, I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie. Yeah! Uh- I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well, throw something! Oh, that corner!

Forty cents? My grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave... if it wasn't filled with some veteran.

Oh, my beloved pornography.

One night he looked out the window... and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it... but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat.

I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!

Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris- research scientists drinking champagne.

I tried to drink a Coke on the bus... and they took away my pass.

The incessant beep of the global positioning system... is all the companionship I need. Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

Tell me where you are now, you bastard! All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies.

The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured... for a surprisingly large amount.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence- but he never did it! - Those blintzes were terrible. - Paint my fence! - Make me.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence... but he never did it! - Those blintzes were terrible. - Paint my fence! - Make me.

"K.K.K."? That's not good. [Nervous Laugh]

Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. [Yells] Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it.

Well, all the good presidents turned us down.

Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty. - Who cares?

I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.

Now it's time for another 'fanschmabulous' episode

Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment- Hey, shut up!

What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? / See, that's what I thought at first, but then- Hey, shut up!

That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

Acclaimed? [Spits] / I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon... where the robots turn into blingwads!

But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die... they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.

Now it's time for another 'fanschmabulous' episode...

Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment- Hey, shut up!

What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then- Hey, shut up! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

Acclaimed? [Spits] I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon... where the robots turn into blingwads!

But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die... they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity! Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!

That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies!

This sexy fellow describes himself as 'a big, thirsty teddy bear.' Say hello to Barney Gumble!

Okay. Now, what am I bid? Hey! Now I got zero. I got zero. I got no bid here. I got zero. I'm standir at zero. Anybody wanna go higher than zero? I got zero right now.

I got nada. I got zilch. I got bubkes.

Come on! He likes sunsets. What more do you want?

Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money.

Sold to the five desperate chicks!

Charity, eh? What's my cut? / Nothing? I make more than that takin' a 'schwitz.'

Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks... and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

I tried one the other day. When lightning strikes, the peach cobbler goes out.

You don't have leftovers, you have reruns.

Me so sorry. Ah, so. / What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey?

Me like the fried rice. Me flap dickey long time.

Hey, Krusty, great set. Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint. No, no. I was talking to Lisa back there. We both agreed. You killed.

They say any publicity is good publicity. / You, sir, are an idiot.

I don't know what the hell you are. / You can be so cruel when you're sober.

Oh, it hurts to talk. We'll have to work out a system of blinks.

Oh, P.U., what were you drinking, gasoline? / Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother.

Man, look at all the crap with my face on it. / 'Krusty's Personal Swabs'? What was I thinking?

Ah, that burns! What the hell is on those things? / Here. Quick, use my Krusty Eye Wash.

You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters... and they're still covered with schmutz?

Have you ever noticed how there are two phone books... a white one and a yellow one? / Like, what's the deal with that? / One's residential, the other is business. / Oh, well, that makes sense.

What's the deal with cardboard?

Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills... you got some big-chin schlub... reading typos from the Ralookaville Rost.

These comics today. 'Ooh, look at me. I can't set my V.C.R. I can't open a bag of airline peanuts. I'm a freakin' moron.'

Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff... that would embarrass Redd Foxx- God rest his smutty soul.

What the hell are you laughin' at? I'm just tellin' the truth. / And it's funny. / It is?

The got poor Vincent Price floatin' around on a toilet cake... tellin' me about 'the horrors of an unfresh bowl.'

And I tell you somethin' else, I do not believe Winston Churchill... would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel.

Well, here's one dollar those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on. / Uh, isn't that illegal? / I don't care if it is illegal. I'm makin' a stand here. Who's with me?

Oh, well. No! Take your corporate blood wagon and get the hell out. Are you sure? It's free. Stop saying that!

The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car... with the rugged drivability of a sturdy 4x4.

Fat-free yogurt. The-The quality of computer porn.

It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.

It's the tightest three hours and 10 minutes on TV.

We could trim the hobo parade to a lean 20.

'S' is for shiksa. S-H-I- Mmm-

I think there's a 'T' in there somewhere. Ah, look it up.

Krusty here to cheer you up... as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program. / Last laugh?

Oh, boy! Ooh, looks like we're both short on time.

Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick.