When You Dish Upon A Star

Homer:Hey there, Boo-Boo! Let's go find ourselves a pic-i-nic basket!

Homer:Pic-i-nic! Pic-i-nic! Those humans won't even miss their pic-i-nic!

Bart:Watch out for Ranger Ned!

Ned:Well howdy there, boys! Let's have ourselves a—

Narrator:Suddenly, a grizzly bear emerged from the woods and mauled Ned within an inch of his life.

Homer:D'oh! Ned!

Bart:Dad! Dad, wake up!

Lisa:You were having a nightmare.

Homer:A nightmare? It was wonderful! I was wearing a tuxedo jacket... but no pants. And I was driving around in some sort of boatmobile, handing out money to people.

Marge:Homer, that's not wonderful, that's ridiculous.

Homer:Well, to me it was!

Lisa:Dad, you can't just ignore their problems and hope they go away.

Homer:That's where you're wrong, Lisa. I've been ignoring my problems for years, and I've turned out great!

Lisa:Dad, you're completely missing the point.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, I'm not just great—I'm the greatest parent in the world!

Homer:I'll never get back to sleep. My mind is racing a mile a...

Homer:*snores*

Ned:Well, howdy-doodly, Homer! That was quite a crash-a-rooney!

Homer:Yeah, hi Ned...

Homer:*neck makes disturbing cracking and popping sounds*

Homer:...I'm fine.

Homer:Ugh, this traffic is ridiculous! I'm never gonna get home at this rate.

Homer:You know what? Forget this. I know a shortcut.

Homer:Mmm... pesticide.

Marge:Homer, those berries are poisonous!

Homer:Well, technically they've been treated with a mild organophosphate compound, which actually neutralizes the solanine toxins. I should know — I worked in Sector 7G at the nuclear plant for years.

Homer:Wow, a Jacuzzi! And it's out here in the middle of nowhere. Poor bastard.

Homer:Of course I read it. Cover to cover.

Homer:Now if you'll excuse me, I have a boat to christen with some beer.

Boat attendant:Never drink and boat.

Homer:Challenge accepted!

Homer:No, no, no! Not the massing snapping turtles! They're gathering! Can't you see them forming a coalition?!

Homer:This is it. This is how it ends. Dragged under by an organized militia of chelonians!

Apu:Oh no! A flying fat man has destroyed my sand sculpture!

Homer:Whoa! This is amazing! I'm flying through the air like a majestic eagle!

Homer:Actually, more like a piece of trash blowing in the wind.

Homer:Why, I'm like a god! I'm like Zeus! No, I'm better than Zeus! I'm like... super-Zeus! I could destroy the world with a single thought! I am all-powerful! I am immortal! I am—

Marge:Homer, get down from there!

Homer:Kim Bassinger? Oh my God, I'm your biggest fan!

Kim Basinger:It's Basinger.

Homer:That's what I said, Kim Bassinger.

Kim Basinger:Slide over.

Homer:Ooh, slide over? That's what I'm talkin' about!

Alec Baldwin:I'm Alec Baldwin.

Homer:Oh, Billy Baldwin! Great to meet you, man!

Kim Basinger:Los Angeles is so phony.

Alec Baldwin:Completely artificial. There's no authenticity here at all.

Homer:You know, you guys should try other cities.

Kim Basinger:We did. New York was too real.

Alec Baldwin:Chicago was depressing. We actually prefer some phoniness.

Alec Baldwin:We get these gift baskets all the time.

Kim Basinger:It's usually just some gourmet muffins.

Homer:Mmm... muffins.

Homer:Gag me with a spoon!

Homer:I just tasted it and I'm putting it back.

Alec:Hey Homer, you just read something.

Homer:No I didn't! I was just... uh... holding this newspaper up to my face to block out the sun. Yeah, that's it. The sun was in my eyes, so I grabbed the first thing I could find - which happened to be a newspaper - and held it up real close to my face. Very practical. Very efficient sun-blocking technique.

Homer:I can't read.

Alec Baldwin:What? You just read that sign.

Homer:No I didn't, I was just pretending to read. I do it all the time.

Kim Basinger:But you're reading right now.

Homer:No, no, no. My brain is just making up words that match the shapes of the letters. It's a gift.

Homer:I can read! Watch: B-O-O-Z-E. Boooze!

Alec Baldwin:That's not reading, that's just sounding it out.

Homer:Well, what's the difference?

Homer:I'm not buying these for me, I'm buying them for... a friend.

Homer:And before you judge me, yes, I know what a baguette is.

Homer:It's not some fancy French thing I don't understand.

Homer:Yeah, I'll take some of those fancy mushrooms - you know, the shiitake, the oyster, the chanterelle, the morel...

Apu:We don't have any of those.

Homer:What about the puffball?

Apu:Nope.

Apu:Homer, I couldn't help but notice your shopping habits have changed dramatically.

Homer:Yeah, well, I'm trying to simplify things.

Apu:Simplify? Homer, you're only buying beer and pork!

Homer:I'm broadening my horizons.

Homer:Hey, is that a signed photo of Burt Reynolds?

Alec Baldwin:Homer, you have to stop obsessively polishing that Oscar. It's not even yours.

Homer:Not mine? Alec, I've been polishing it for three hours. By law, that makes it mine.

Alec Baldwin:That's not how ownership works.

Homer:Well, possession is nine-tenths of the law, and I possess all ten-tenths of this Oscar.

Homer:Who is it?

Ron Howard:Hi Homer, it's Ron Howard. I'm in town and thought I'd stop by.

Homer:Ron Howard? The director? Come in, come in!

Ron Howard:Thanks for having me.

Homer:Wait till Marge hears about this. And the kids!

Homer:Can I get you anything? A donut? Beer?

Ron Howard:Actually, I'm glad you asked—

Homer:Wow! It's Ron Howard!

Ron Howard:Hello, I'm Ron Howard.

Homer:Oh my God, oh my God! You directed Cocoon! And Splash! And... you're so talented!

Homer:Can I have your autograph? And maybe a lock of your hair?

Ron Howard:I want to live in Springfield because it has the perfect combination of a bizarre and dangerous hobby for every resident.

Ron Howard:Homer Simpson, a friend of the celebrities.

Homer:A friend?! Did he say friend?! Woo-hoo! I'm a celebrity friend! Marge, did you hear that? I'm friends with the celebrities!

Ron Howard:What in the world is that you're drinking?

Homer:Oh, this? I invented it myself. It's a Flaming Moe.

Ron Howard:A Flaming Moe? What's in it?

Homer:Cough syrup, mayonnaise, and a little bit of my dignity.

Marge:Homer, I can't believe you joined PETA!

Homer:Well, I love animals.

Marge:You do?

Homer:Yeah! Pork chops, spare ribs, lamb chops, T-bone steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs...

Homer:Hello? Yeah, this is... uh... Mr. Burns' office. No wait, I mean MY office. I'm the... President of... Springfield Imports.

Homer:We specialize in... importing things. From... other places. My vice president? That's my wife Marge. She's very vice.

Homer:Our board of directors includes my son Bart, he's in charge of... uh... directions. And our CFO is Santa's Little Helper. He's very financial.

Homer:We need to rise up against the system, man! Stick it to the Man!

Marge:Homer, you are the Man.

Homer:Okay, everybody, let's start with some neck rolls. Just spin your head around real fast like you're trying to unscrew it from your body.

Homer:Now, let's do some back stretches. Grab your ankles and bounce down real hard. If you hear a cracking sound, that means it's working.

Homer:For cardio, just run in place but kick yourself in the face as hard as you can with each step. That's how you know your heart is really pumping.

Homer:And finally, stand on your head for ten minutes. If you start seeing black spots, just push harder. That's your body telling you it's getting stronger.

Homer:It's about a cop who is also a dog. For some reason.

Homer:Ron Howard wants to direct my movie!

Ron Howard:I never said that.

Homer:Did too!

Ron Howard:Did not.

Homer:Did too!

Ron Howard:Did not.

Homer:Did too, did too, did too!

Kim Basinger:Homer, this script is only three pages long.

Homer Simpson:Yeah, well I ran out of ideas after 'A guy walks into a bar.'

Kim Basinger:The rest is just... drawings of stick figures and what appears to be a poorly drawn car.

Homer Simpson:That's supposed to be artistic vision!

Kim Basinger:I can't work with this script. It's terrible.

Homer Simpson:But Kim, Ron Howard is directing!

Kim Basinger:Ron Howard? You mean Potsie from Happy Days?

Moe:Look, you can't just worship celebrities. They don't help you with real stuff. You think Ray Bolger's gonna help you move? No way! And what's he gonna do anyway, dance at your furniture?

Barney:Hey Homer, guess what? I saw Kent Brockman at the grocery store today! We talked for like five minutes!

Homer:Kent Brockman? That's nothing. I know somebody way more famous.

Barney:Oh yeah? Who?

Homer:Well... let's just say I'm very close with someone in the celebrity world. Very close. Can't say more than that.

Barney:Come on, tell me!

Homer:Sorry Barn, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

Homer:Wait, who am I talking to?

Homer's Inner Voice:Shut up, brain. I got dibs on the Wallace and Gromit.

Homer:Hey Ron, nice freckles. Did a five-year-old throw up on your face?

Ron Howard:Oh no, they're here. And look—the water in my glass is rippling. Just like in Jurassic Park.

Comic Book Guy:Excuse me, Ms. Basinger? I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. I was just telling these gentlemen about my recent shoe purchase. You see, I bought some women's shoes — size 5, extra narrow — for my mother.

Kim Basinger:That's... nice?

Comic Book Guy:Yes, and they were a perfect fit. For my mother. Who wears a size 5. Which I happen to also wear.

Homer Simpson:Kim Basinger's shoes? Well, they're a size 6. I should know, I borrowed them for my mother.

Homer:Wait, wait! I provided services! I did their laundry, I walked their dogs, I even smelled Fabio's hair!

Celebrity:You what?

Homer:I smelled it. Deeply. For hours.

Crowd:Hey, look! It's a celebrity!

Homer:Me? A celebrity? No, no, no. I'm just a bald, stupid guy who talks with his mouth full and thinks donuts are a food group.

Crowd:Oh wow, he's so humble!

Homer:Marge, this Manwich is as delicious as Kim Basinger.

Marge:Homer, you can't compare me to a movie star.

Homer:You're right. Kim Basinger never made anything this good.

Bart:Dad's been fired so many times, he's got a frequent flyer card at the unemployment office.

Homer:You know, I've been thinking about our family structure. We're not unlike the cast of Friends, except nobody wants to be around us.

Bart:Dad, what are you talking about?

Homer:I'm just saying, in the biz, we call that 'lack of chemistry.' It's all about the demographics, son.

Lisa:Dad, you were at a studio tour for twenty minutes.

Homer:Exactly. And in those twenty minutes, I learned that we're basically a failed pilot. The networks would never pick us up. We test poorly with the core 18-49 demo.

Lisa:Dad, you're not going to wash the dog, are you? That shampoo is made from the same formula as the stuff they use on animals at the San Diego Zoo!

Homer:So?

Lisa:So? That means our dog could end up looking like a celebrity!

Homer:Lisa, the only thing that would make our dog look like a celebrity is if he had a drug problem and a sex tape.

Homer:Hey Marge, that's totally rad! We should synergize our evening plans and circle back on the whole dinner thing.

Marge:Homer, what are you talking about? Why are you talking like that?

Homer:I'm using Hollywood speak, Marge. It's very in right now. We need to leverage our core competencies as a family unit.

Marge:Homer, you're not making any sense. Can you please just talk normally?

Homer:Let's table this discussion and touch base tomorrow. I'm going to go unwind with a cold one.

Marge:Oh my God.

Homer:Welcome to Kim-o-rabilia! That's my made-up word for stuff related to Kim Basinger.

Homer:Step right up! Authentic celebrity memorabilia! I got stuff from all the big names!

Barney:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got any hundred-year-old antiques?

Homer:Even better! I got stuff from celebrities alive RIGHT NOW!

Barney:That's the same thing, isn't it?

Homer:Look at this! Alec Baldwin's got a medical alert bracelet. He's allergic to... let me see here... dignity!

Homer:What kind of man is allergic to dignity? That's not a real allergy!

Unknown customer:Is that a Royal Crown Cola? That's a sign of celebrity excess!

Homer:Ray Bolger? That selfish bastard! You know what he did? He played the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, and he didn't even have the decency to be a real scarecrow! He had a brain the whole time! How selfish is that?

Alec Baldwin:We treated Homer like he was nothing. Like he was a Golden Globe.

Ron Howard:Homer, you took such good care of me. You were like a father to me.

Kim Basinger:He kissed you on the lips?!

Alec Baldwin:Well, of course I want more screen time. I'm Alec Baldwin!

Ron Howard:Yes, and that's exactly why this robot script needs you... said no one ever.

Ron Howard:You know, I really believe in second chances. Even after making some truly terrible films, Hollywood gave me another shot.

Ron Howard:...

Homer:Oh look at me, I'm Kim Basinger. I'm so pretty and talented. I get to go to all the fancy award shows while Homer stays home eating donuts.

Homer:Waaah, nobody loves me, I'm just a stupid man-child with no culture or sophistication!

Kim:Why do you always have to say 'I'll be back'?

Alec:Because I will be back. I'm just going to the bathroom.

Alec Baldwin:I would jump, but I'm wearing loafers.

Kim Basinger:Bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Alec Baldwin:What?

Kim Basinger:Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Homer:Your Honor, I move that all charges against me be dropped because of artistic expression. I was creating a work of art when I invaded that man's privacy and made false accusations about him.

Judge:That's not how the law works, Mr. Simpson.

Homer:But artistic expression is protected! I saw it on a bumper sticker once.

Homer:Your Honor, I move that we change the law so that dead celebrities can be used in vacuum cleaner commercials.

Judge:What?!

Homer:Think about it! We could have Sinatra pushing a Hoover, or Elvis hawking a Dyson. The dead don't need the money anyway!

Homer:Hello, is this Gloria Stuart? Yeah, well, your butt is big!

Ron Howard:So here's the script. It's about a man and his family, and there's really nothing special about it.

Hollywood Executive:Hmm, I'm not seeing it.

Ron Howard:Wait, wait. There's a talking pie.

Hollywood Executive:A talking pie? That's gold! When can we start production?