Doh In In The Wind

Homer:D'oh!

Mr. Burns:For lunch I'm having a baked potato, a bowl of steamed clams, and a plate of jellied eels.

Smithers:Sir, wouldn't that be a bit heavy before your afternoon nap?

Mr. Burns:Perhaps you're right, Smithers. I'll skip the eels. I want to be kissable for my 3 o'clock with the public.

Smithers:Well, sir, I wouldn't say you're unattractive. You have a certain... je ne sais quoi. A certain magnetism that draws people in.

Mr. Burns:You really think so, Smithers?

Smithers:Oh yes, sir. Why, I'd say you're easily in the top... ten percent of men your age.

Smithers:Sir, perhaps we could order some Chinese food?

Mr. Burns:Chinese food? Smithers, I'm a man of principle. I don't eat people.

Smithers:Of course not, sir. I meant Chinese cuisine.

Mr. Burns:Oh! Well, that's different. Yes, yes, bring me the most expensive Chinese person— I mean, dish.

Mr. Burns:Smithers! Open this infernal pickle jar at once!

Smithers:I'm afraid I can't, sir. My hands are full.

Mr. Burns:Bah! Useless old geezer. I'll do it myself.

Smithers:Sir, perhaps if you used a cloth for grip—

Mr. Burns:Silence! Don't tell me how to open a jar, you doddering old coot. I'm in my prime!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I need fresh blood around here.

Smithers:Very good, sir. Shall I have Homer drained?

Mr. Burns:We'll make a recruitment film! The latest in cinema technology — the talkies!

Lenny:You know, after college, I was thinking about becoming a professional body donor.

Lenny:Then I realized I could make more money as an organ donor.

Lenny:But the real money is in being a crash test dummy.

Lenny:Of course, that only pays well if you don't survive the test.

Mr. Burns:You incompetent fools! Your acting is atrocious, your timing is abysmal, and your very presence offends my—

Director:And we're rolling!

Mr. Burns:—sensibilities as a patron of the arts.

Moe:You know, this is almost as bad as a Barbra Streisand movie.

Barney:Wait, you want me to saw people's legs off? For a living?

Lenny:It's called being a surgeon, Barney.

Barney:Oh. I thought you said 'leg sawing,' not 'leg-saving.'

Homer:I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Marge:Homer, you were terrible.

Homer:Terrible? I thought I was great! Did you see how I said that line? That was Oscar-worthy material right there.

Bart:Dad, you forgot your lines half the time.

Homer:That was method acting, boy. I was staying in character as a confused man. Very advanced technique.

Homer:Look, I've been in tons of movies. See? 'Phony Actor'

Marge:Homer, that's not a real credit.

Homer:Well, it's the most honest one I've got.

Homer:My middle name? I dunno, man. I've had it my whole life and never bothered to find out what it is.

Grampa:When it comes to parental responsibilities, I only ever cared about one thing.

Grampa:Hitting my kids.

Grampa:Your mother? She's probably in some cheap motel right now, doing what she does best — avoiding child support payments and breaking hearts! She was always too good for me anyway. Beautiful woman, your mother. Still got it, I bet. If you know what I mean. Wink wink.

Homer:I'm not going to lie on a form. That's illegal!

Homer:But I'll cheat on my wife, I'll kick my dog, I'll cheat my country.

Homer:But lying on a form? That's where I draw the line.

Homer:I didn't lie on the mortgage application. I told three separate lies. That's completely different from one big lie.

Homer:See, three lies is just a bunch of lies. But one big lie? That's a ball of lies, and nobody wants a ball of lies.

Homer:Son, I'm glad we're finally having this father-to-son talk. There's so much I want to tell you.

Bart:Yeah, Dad, me too. I've been wanting to—

Homer:When I was your age, I had big dreams. I was going to be a astronaut, a rock star, and a professional wrestler all at the same time.

Bart:That's... that's great, Dad, but—

Homer:I even joined the army briefly. Got as far as the recruitment office. They said I had the build of a soldier, but the brain of a... well, they used some words I didn't understand.

Bart:Dad, I really don't think—

Homer:And then I met your mother. She changed everything. Suddenly I had responsibilities. A job at the nuclear plant. You kids. A mortgage on that house.

Bart:Oh man, why did I start this conversation?

Homer:Wow, look at this place! A real hippie commune!

Hippie:Welcome, man. We're all about living thin—I mean, living thin on the land.

Homer:Thin? I can do thin! Watch this!

Homer:Whoa! This tire swing is really skinny!

Hippie:No man, that's just a regular tire.

Homer:Well, I'm skinny compared to it!

Homer:Mmm, peace and love, man. This is the life.

Homer:Ow! A bee!

Grampa Simpson:Yeah, I was at Woodstock. It was terrible! Too many people, not enough bathrooms, and the music was too loud. I spent the whole time complaining about my back and telling everyone to get off my lawn.

Grampa Simpson:Back in Woodstock, the music was so loud and crazy, man. All that psychedelic rock stuff... Now that's what I call noise! You know what I really love? That nice 1950s revival act. At least I can understand what they're singing about!

Grampa:Put on your pants!

Grampa:Now take 'em off so I can whip ya!

Hippie:Oh wow, man, you're really harshing my mellow.

Grampa:Harshing? I'll show you harshing!

Hippie:You're such a square, man.

Grampa:Square? I'm a man!

Hippie:Yeah man, a real uncool square.

Grampa:You want to be a hippie? I'll have you know, I fought in World War II so you could have the freedom to be a hippie!

Grampa:But if you don't shape up, I'm enlisting you in the Vietnam War myself!

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we had to deal with those blasted hippies! Free love, they called it. No responsibility, no structure, just... just doing whatever you wanted whenever you wanted.

Grampa Simpson:And the drugs! Marijuana everywhere, just sitting around in communes, playing folk music all day long.

Grampa Simpson:Living off the land, growing your own food, traveling the country in painted vans with no destination...

Grampa Simpson:Free concerts! The music festivals! Meeting beautiful women who didn't care about material possessions...

Grampa Simpson:Darn hippies! The absolute worst!

Hippie Girl 1:Wow, what's your secret? Your hair is so shiny!

Hippie Girl 2:Yeah, what conditioner do you use?

Young Homer:Well, I just follow the instructions on the bottle.

Hippie Girl 1:Which brand?

Young Homer:It says 'Lather, rinse, repeat.' So I've been doing it for three hours.

Homer:Hey man, I'm really digging this whole hippie scene. You girls seem really cool.

Hippie Girl 1:Thanks! We're all about peace and love, you know?

Homer:Yeah, yeah, peace and love. Say, uh... could one of you ladies help me out of this outfit? I can't get the zipper down in back.

Hippie Girl 2:Whoa, dude. That's not really our vibe.

Homer:What? I'm just asking for a little help!

Seth:So Homer's mother...

Grampa Simpson:Yeah, we all knew about that.

Seth:Wait, really?

Grampa Simpson:Oh yeah, the whole town knew. Loudest woman in Springfield.

Homer:My middle name? It's... Jay.

Lois:Jay? Just Jay?

Homer:Yep. Homer Jay Simpson. My parents weren't very creative.

Hippie:I named my dog after beat poet Allen Ginsberg

Homer:This poncho was my mother's. I'm going to treasure it forever.

Bart:Dad, I have something to tell you about that poncho.

Homer:What is it, boy?

Bart:Well, Santa's Little Helper was really sick last week, and he kind of... used it as a blanket.

Homer:NOOOO!

Homer:Man, I'm one with the universe. I'm at peace with all living things.

Homer:GET OFF THE COUCH, YOU STUPID DOG!

Bob Hope:Well hello there, you crazy kids! I hear you're into that hippie scene. Why, just the other day I said to my groovy pal, 'That's far out, man!' Get it? Far... out!

Homer:Dad, that's not how hippies talk.

Jill St. John:Bob, I'd like you to meet a real flower child.

Phyllis Diller:Hey there, sweetie! *cackles* You want to see my flower? I've got one tattooed on my ankle from 1987!

Homer:So let me get this straight - you're saying peace, love, and groovy vibes are all connected?

Bob Hope:That's the idea, son. It's all about spreading positivity and brotherhood.

Homer:Peace... love... groovy... donuts?

Bob Hope:Well, I wouldn't necessarily include donuts in the hippie philosophy.

Homer:Wait a minute... if peace is love, and love is groovy, and groovy is... DONUTS! I finally understand! The meaning of life is donuts!

Marge:Homer, could you move away from that potato?

Homer:Man, like, nobody owns a potato. We're all just borrowing it from Mother Earth, you know?

Marge:Homer, excuse yourself!

Homer:Hey man, it's all natural. We're all just part of Mother Earth, you know? My body, her body, we're all connected to the cosmic energy of the universe, man.

Homer:Her legs are like a lumberjack's! All stubbly and rough! Rrrrrgh! I love it!

Homer:Marge, take off your bra.

Marge:Homer, no!

Homer:Come on, it's like freeing political prisoners!

Maude:Oh my stars!

Homer:What? We're all made in God's image. And if God is a big fat slob, then—

Homer:Wow, a hippie paradise! No rules, no responsibilities, just peace and love, man!

Hippie:That'll be $500 a night.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Why are there hippies working here?

Seth:We're all about peace, love, and maximizing shareholder value, man.

Homer:Those commercialized hippies! They've sold out! They're spinning in their graves!

Marge:Homer, they're still alive.

Homer:Even better!

Homer:Well, maybe I am a hypocrite, but at least I'm not some tree-hugging hippie like you guys.

Homer:In fact, I'm gonna start composting and ride my bike to work to prove it!

Homer:What happened to our freak bus?

Seth:We had to replace it.

Homer:With what?

Seth:A regular school bus.

Seth:The symbolically perfect date for the death of the '60s

Homer:You're all working too hard! Don't you know that the hippies died so you wouldn't have to work?

Homer:By not dying, you're disrespecting their sacrifice!

Homer:Okay, okay, I'll freak out!

Homer:Maaaan, that's like, so totally far out and groovy!

Homer:Wait a minute... can I deduct my tie-dye as a business expense?

Marge:Homer, your friends are here!

Homer:Hey man, what's up?

Hippie Friend 1:Far out, Homer. Nice threads, bro.

Marge:Nice threads? Have you seen the size of those pants? He wears a 48 waist! And those Earth tones make him look like a walking burlap sack!

Homer:Marge!

Marge:What? Someone needs to tell the truth around here.

Lenny:Well, I guess that's it then. Homer said the plant is closed, so the plant is closed.

Homer:My frisbee!

Factory Worker:We can fix it. We'll just use the juice-ilator.

Homer:The juice-ilator?

Factory Worker:It's a brand new machine. State of the art.

Homer:Wow!

Factory Worker:Of course, we have no idea what it does.

Homer:Well, what's the worst that could happen?

Narrator:[EXPLOSION AND DESTRUCTION]

Homer:D'oh! I mean... everything's fine! Best day ever!

Homer:See? No problem here. Just a little... strategic reorganization.

Homer:Man, I was really into the whole hippie thing. Peace, love, and harmony, you know?

Marge:Homer, you spent all our money on tie-dye and threw out all your pants.

Homer:Uptight much? I'm reinventing myself as a free spirit.

Bart:Dad, you're just going through a phase.

Homer:No man, this is who I really am. I'm joining a commune.

Marge:Absolutely not.

Homer:But I was finally becoming the real Homer!

Marge:The real Homer wears pants and goes to work.

Homer:Dad, I'm not gonna end up like you!

Grampa:You already are, boy. You're just like me.

Homer:No, I'm not! I'm nothing like you!

Grampa:We're both wearing ponchos.

Homer:This isn't a poncho!

Grampa:Yes it is.

Homer:No it's not!

Grampa:Then why does it look exactly like mine?

Homer:Because... mine's a different color!

Kent Brockman:We now go live to the Juice company where they're closing their doors forever. We asked the company for a statement about their shutdown.

Company Spokesman:We are closing due to the discovery that our product is worthless and our spokesman is a big stupid dumb idiot.

Kent Brockman:Well, there you have it. Back to you.

News Reporter:We interrupt this program to bring you this urgent news bulletin. A local oaf has caused considerable damage to the nuclear power plant.

Homer:An oaf, eh? I wonder who that could be.

News Reporter:The oaf is described as overweight, stupid, and dangerous.

Homer:Stupid? That could be anybody!

Homer:Wait, you really think I'm a good hippie?

Lisa:Dad, you're not a good hippie. You're just lazy, you smell bad, you don't have a job, you're always broke, and you live in your parents' basement.

Homer:Hey! I don't live in my parents' basement!

Lisa:You're right. You live in ours.

Homer:I got plenty of vegetables from the garden.

Homer:I harvested those marijuana plants.

Homer:I was just giving them nutrients!

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, me beautiful lass... ye have the finest blades I've ever seen.

Groundskeeper Willie:Will ye marry me and keep me company in the shed?

Chief Wiggum:Come on, Pinky. Let's go get some donuts.

Chief Wiggum:What's that, Pinky? You think we should shoot at something first?

Chief Wiggum:Good idea, Pinky. Good idea.

Ned:Maude, let's make out right here in front of everyone!

Maude:Oh Neddy, yes! Scandalously!

Lou:I'm seeing colors that don't exist and smelling sounds. My tongue tastes purple and I can hear the number nine.

Lou:Yeah, Chief, this juice has got all kinds of stuff in it. Nutrients, vitamins, natural flavors... I'm telling ya, this is quality juice right here.

Chief Wiggum:Lou, you're swaying.

Lou:I'm not swaying, Chief. I'm just... appreciating the juice.

Police Officer:We're having technical difficulties with the nightsticks. They're stuck on 'whomp'.

Police Officer:We're gonna need to call the manufacturer about this police brutality equipment malfunction.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. Let's all just take a step back and think about this. We're all just walking each other home, man. Nobody's really going anywhere.

Homer:D'oh!

Doctor Hibbert:Well, this is a very serious injury. This flower has caused massive internal bleeding.

Homer:Is it fatal?

Doctor Hibbert:Only if it strikes you in the right spot. The stem has to pierce the ventricle at exactly 45 degrees. Then you'll have maybe... ten, fifteen minutes.

Homer:D'oh!

Doctor Hibbert:But luckily, you've still got all your organs intact.

Doctor:We're going to have to pull out the flower.

Homer:But Doctor, what if something goes wrong?

Doctor:Then we'll just have to go where no man has gone before.

Homer:Mmm, mmm, mmm... Killed a man once. Mmm, donuts.