In an idyllic planned community, Homer works for a new boss who has trouble with the government. Meanwhile, the rest of the family has difficulty dealing with the bucolic burg.
Lackluster punchlines drag a 56-joke episode just below elite threshold.
Directed by Mike B. Anderson · Written by John Swartzwelder
WAR
45.4
Wins Above Replacement
“You Only Move Twice” ranks #131 of 226 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 79.0 — Elite. The episode packs 56 scored jokes at 2.7 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.6 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Homer Simpson: Where do you buy business hammocks?
Store Clerk: Oh, you want to go down to the hammock district. You'll want to take a left at the hammock shop, go straight past the hammock store, and then hang a right at the hammock emporium. The Hammock Hut, the Hammock Barn, the Hammock Zone... You've got Hammock World, Hammock Outlet...
Hank Scorpio: So long, Homer. If you ever need anything, just ask. Oh, and if you could kill me, that would be great.
Secret Agent: So, you expect me to talk?
Hank Scorpio: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! But first, you're going to have to sit through a complimentary continental breakfast. We've got a real nice spread: cold cuts, cheeses, some of those little Danish things. Help yourself. But don't go crazy with the shrimp, because shrimp goes bad real fast and I'm not made of money.
Hank Scorpio: I don't like the word 'boss.' It's got shades of old money elitism. I prefer to think of myself as your friend.
Hank Scorpio: But if you want to get technical about it, I have a gun and you don't. So I can hit you, and you can't hit me.
Apu: I'm not interested in buying the house.
Apu: Do you know what it's like to work at a convenience store? Customers come in, they ask where things are. 'Where's the milk?' It's right there! Then they stand in front of the cooler with the door open for five minutes. Five minutes! 'Is this expired?' No! Then they change their mind and put it back in the wrong spot. And the lottery tickets! 'I want number seven because it's lucky.' Lucky?! If it was lucky, you'd already be rich! And don't get me started on the ones who come in at 11:59 asking if we're open. We're closing in one minute! And they still want to browse. Browse?! At 11:59?! And the penny candy counter — they count out exactly three cents in pennies. Three cents! I have to stand there while they deliberate over which candy costs one cent!
Apu Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 56 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer Physical/Slapstick Running Gag ★ Rewatch Smithers: I'm absolutely drowning in job offers. Just this morning, three different companies called me.
Smithers: One wanted me to head their entire operations department. Another offered me a corner office and a company car.
Smithers: It's exhausting! How am I supposed to choose? And what about Mr. Burns? He needs me here at the plant.
Smithers: Being this valuable and sought-after is a terrible burden.
Globex recruiter: Let's see here... our next candidate is...
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I got the job!
Globex recruiter: ...Homer Simp—
Homer: Wow, we get dental coverage AND a life partner plan!
Marge: Homer, that's just marriage.
Homer: I know, but when they call it a 'life partner plan' it sounds like I chose you for your synergy!
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Callback Marge: Homer, how could you make such a big decision without talking to me first?
Homer: What? I don't see anything wrong with it.
Homer: I have a lifelong dream, and I'm going to tell you what it is. But you have to promise not to laugh.
Lisa: Okay, I promise.
Homer: I want to own an NFL team.
Lisa: *laughs*
Lisa: Oh Dad, that's so cute.
Lisa Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Homer: Don't worry, Marge. I'll get you out of this rut.
Homer: I'll just pack it up and we'll move somewhere else.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Homer: Wait, wait, wait. Let me just change the channel here.
Marge: Homer, what are you doing? You're supposed to be convincing them!
Homer: Oh, right, right. Sorry.
Announcer: Welcome to Shelbyville's new Utopian community! Where dreams come true and happiness is guaranteed!
Announcer: Enjoy our pristine parks, crystal-clear waters, and state-of-the-art facilities!
Announcer: Your family will thrive in this perfect paradise!
Legal Voice: Please note: Dreams not guaranteed. Happiness not actual happiness. Parks may contain toxic sludge. Waters tested only on Tuesdays. Facilities not state-of-the-art. Family may not thrive. Shelbyville assumes no liability for broken dreams, crushed hopes, or existential despair.
Announcer Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: Wow, Cypress Creek. A civilized place where nobody gets hurt.
Homer: Ow!
Homer: Wow, a second bathroom! And it's on the *second* floor!
Marge: Homer, that's not unusual.
Homer: Not unusual?! Marge, we've been living like animals!
Homer Character Comedy Observational Apu: I'm not interested in buying the house.
Apu: Do you know what it's like to work at a convenience store? Customers come in, they ask where things are. 'Where's the milk?' It's right there! Then they stand in front of the cooler with the door open for five minutes. Five minutes! 'Is this expired?' No! Then they change their mind and put it back in the wrong spot. And the lottery tickets! 'I want number seven because it's lucky.' Lucky?! If it was lucky, you'd already be rich! And don't get me started on the ones who come in at 11:59 asking if we're open. We're closing in one minute! And they still want to browse. Browse?! At 11:59?! And the penny candy counter — they count out exactly three cents in pennies. Three cents! I have to stand there while they deliberate over which candy costs one cent!
Apu Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Apu: Thank you, come again!
Homer: We're homeless!
Marge: We're homeless!
Ned Flanders: Well, okily-dokily, Simpsons! Time for me to head on home-a-rooney. Cheerio-diddly-cheerino!
Homer: Goodbye, Springfield. You've been a second home to me.
Bart: Dad, this is your first home.
Homer: And a first-rate home it's been! D'oh!
Lisa: Did you know that tree sawdust is measured in cords? A cord is a unit of volume equal to 128 cubic feet.
Homer: Cords? That's not so bad.
Lisa: Actually, Dad, a cord is also what they call the umbilical cord, which is filled with blood and other bodily fluids.
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Bart: Dibs on the huge room!
Bart Visual Gag Character Comedy Hank Scorpio: You know, I've got papayas. I've got mangoes. I've got a whole spread of tropical fruits here.
Hank Scorpio: You could say things are getting a little... fruity around here. Get it? Because of the fruits? And also because... well, never mind.
Hank Scorpio: Anyway, help yourself to the papayas.
Hank Scorpio: I don't like the word 'boss.' It's got shades of old money elitism. I prefer to think of myself as your friend.
Hank Scorpio: But if you want to get technical about it, I have a gun and you don't. So I can hit you, and you can't hit me.
Hank Scorpio: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave if you don't like these moccasins.
Homer: But Mr. Scorpio, I love them!
Hank Scorpio: You know, I've often thought the same thing about saying goodbye to a pair of shoes.
Homer: Yeah, I've seen that.
Homer: Mr. Scorpio, I know I haven't been doing a good job, so I expect you're going to give me the bum's rush.
Hank Scorpio: The bum's rush? Homer, we have a very progressive policy here. Any bum who wants to work here is welcome. We even have a bum shower.
Hank Scorpio: And a bum recreation area. Some people say I'm too lenient with the bums, but I say the bums of today are the workers of tomorrow.
Marge: Well, I've finished all the housework by 9:30 AM.
Marge: I suppose I could alphabetize the spice rack by molecular weight.
Marge: Or reorganize the linen closet by thread count and emotional resonance.
Marge Character Comedy Observational Homer: Thanks for the job, Scorpion!
Hank Scorpio: It's Scorpio, actually. But please, call me Hank.
Homer: Okay, Scorpion!
Homer: Where should I hang your coat?
Hank Scorpio: Oh, there are no walls here. And by the way, I never gave you a coat.
Homer Simpson: Mr. Scorpio, sir, that's a great tie you're wearing today.
Hank Scorpio: Homer, I don't want your compliments. I want results.
Homer Simpson: Yes, sir. Of course, sir.
Hank Scorpio: And stop calling me sir. It's making me uncomfortable.
Hank Scorpio: You know, Homer, I invented casual Friday fashion. Before me, everyone wore suits to work. Now look around—khakis, golf shirts, sneakers. That's all me.
Hank Scorpio: Hello? Yes, this is he. What? An emergency? I'm in the middle of a trust exercise here.
Hank Scorpio: Someone ate my lunch? Well, that IS an emergency. I'll be right there.
Bart: Pppppppbt! Pppppppbt!
Student: Whoa, dude. You've got real talent. Have you ever thought about going pro?
Bart: Pro?
Student: Yeah, man. I know a guy who knows a guy who books acts at the Aztec Theater.
Student Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Milhouse: Do you wanna be best friends?
Bart: Nah.
Milhouse: Do you wanna be worst enemies?
Bart: Nah.
Milhouse: Do you wanna just ignore each other?
Bart: Yeah, sure.
Milhouse: Okay, but if you ever wanna be best friends, I'm in.
Milhouse Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Teacher: Can anyone tell me what cursive writing is?
Bart: Oh! Oh! I know this one. It's when you say really bad words real fast.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm in Special Ed because I eat paste.
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm here because I can't read good.
Martin Prince: I'm here because my parents want me to feel included.
Ralph Wiggum: I fell off the jungle gym and the doctor said I got a con-cush-un.
Bart Simpson: I burned down the school gymnasium and they said I had to take remedial classes as punishment.
Bart: Wait a minute. If we're here because we're stupid, how come they're trying to teach us stuff?
Bart Observational Irony/Sarcasm Bart Simpson: I'm supposed to be in fourth grade!
Teacher: Well, Bart, you have a very serious condition called 'Fourth Grade Avoidance Syndrome.' It's quite rare.
Bart Simpson: Really? What do I do about it?
Teacher: Well, the only cure is to stay in third grade for the rest of your life.
Teacher Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Lisa: Oh, what a reticulated specimen you are!
Lisa Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Homer: Baseball made from racehorse leather
Homer Absurdist Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Homer: Wow, an autographed Tom Landry hat! This is the greatest day of my life!
Dry Cleaner: Actually, that's just my signature from when I dry cleaned his suit.
Homer: Well, it's still an autograph!
Homer Setup/Punchline Observational Worker 1: I'm exhausted from working so hard.
Worker 2: Yeah, we need to rest during the day.
Homer: I got it! Hammocks! We'll install hammocks throughout the plant so everyone can nap whenever they want.
Worker 1: Homer, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
Homer: Is it though? Is it really?
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Homer Simpson: Where do you buy business hammocks?
Store Clerk: Oh, you want to go down to the hammock district. You'll want to take a left at the hammock shop, go straight past the hammock store, and then hang a right at the hammock emporium. The Hammock Hut, the Hammock Barn, the Hammock Zone... You've got Hammock World, Hammock Outlet...
Official 1: The bridge! It's been destroyed!
Official 2: Finally! I've been saying we should let it collapse for years!
Hank Scorpio: You know, there's a wonderful hammock store just outside of town. I highly recommend it.
Homer Simpson: A hammock store? What could possibly go wrong?
Hank Scorpio: Well, I was going to suggest you take your wife there... and leave her. Just kidding!
Hank Scorpio: What's your least favorite country?
Homer: Oh, that's easy. France.
Hank Scorpio: Huh. Nobody ever says Italy.
Homer Simpson: Say, you wouldn't happen to have any sugar, would ya?
James Bond-style villain: Of course. Would you like some tea?
Homer Simpson: Oooh, tea!
Secret Agent: So, you expect me to talk?
Hank Scorpio: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! But first, you're going to have to sit through a complimentary continental breakfast. We've got a real nice spread: cold cuts, cheeses, some of those little Danish things. Help yourself. But don't go crazy with the shrimp, because shrimp goes bad real fast and I'm not made of money.
Homer: Well, I had quite a day. I tackled a secret agent, wrestled him to the ground, and turned him over to the authorities. Then I went home and had a sandwich.
Homer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Hank Scorpio: Homer, you've done it! You've saved the world!
Homer Simpson: I did?
Hank Scorpio: Yes! As a reward, I'm going to give you something you've always wanted.
Homer Simpson: A donut?
Hank Scorpio: Better! A new deck for your house!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge: I have a drinking problem.
Doctor: According to my medical research, you're not drinking enough wine. Studies show that moderate wine consumption is good for the heart.
Marge: Well, in that case, I'll have another glass!
Marge Misdirection Character Comedy Bart: I can't get in trouble. Look at my classmates — we got Martin Prince, the overachiever. Ralph Wiggum, who eats paste. Nelson, the bully. Jimbo and Dolph, the delinquents. And Bart Simpson, the troublemaker. But then there's Barts who are way worse — we got Ralph setting fires in the bathroom, Jimbo dealing drugs, and Nelson running an arson ring out of the cafeteria.
Bart Escalation Observational Callback Bart: I can't get in trouble. I'm like the perfect mix of dangerous kids and infantilized ones.
Bart Escalation Observational ★ Rewatch Callback Homer: Well, you see, I've been working hard at the plant, and Mr. Burns has really taken notice of my... special talents.
Homer: He even put me in charge of the new division.
Homer: Yeah, it's called the 'Exploitation and Endangerment Department.' Pretty sweet, huh?
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Hank Scorpio: You know, the government is always getting in the way of business. They want to regulate this, tax that. It's like they don't understand that I'm just trying to run a evil empire here!
Homer Simpson: My family wants to leave.
Hank Scorpio: Your family? Homer, you don't need a family. You've got me! We could go bowling, we could go see a movie, grab some beef jerky. What do you say?
Hank Scorpio: So long, Homer. If you ever need anything, just ask. Oh, and if you could kill me, that would be great.
Homer: A football team? Worst gift ever!
Marge: Homer, you asked for an NFL team.
Homer: Yeah, the Dallas Cowboys! Not some loser team.
Marge: But honey, we can't afford the Dallas Cowboys.
Homer: Your logic is no match for my disappointment!
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