The Homer They Fall

Bonanza actor:Well, all my co-stars are dead now. I guess we finally accomplished what we were trying to do on the show!

Bart:Well, this is disappointing. Even fewer washed-up TV stars showed up than last year.

Homer:You love donuts!

Marge:Homer, I don't love donuts.

Homer:Yes you do! You love donuts! Everyone loves donuts!

Marge:Homer, I really don't—

Homer:Marge, don't be ridiculous. You LOVE donuts. Why are you being so difficult about this?

Homer:Look at this, Lisa! A space-age toothbrush!

Lisa:Dad, that's a nostril groomer.

Marge:Who in their right mind would buy something called a 'Spit-Shine 3000'?

Marge:Well, that answers that question.

Homer:Wow, a $3,000 Italian leather jacket! I gotta show everybody!

Homer:Hey Marge, look at this jacket!

Marge:Homer, that's nice.

Homer:No, you don't understand. I need to show Barney, and Lenny, and Carl, and the guys at work, and Ned, and Flanders...

Homer:Everyone needs to see this jacket. They need to know I have it.

Marge:Homer, why do you need everyone to see it?

Homer:Because... because they just do, okay?!

Comic Book Guy:I'd like to return this Ultimate Belt. It's defective.

Store Clerk:Oh really, 'sir'?

Store Clerk:And what seems to be the problem?

Comic Book Guy:Well, I won this belt at a Star Trek convention. My logical analysis determined that Star Trek fans are too obese for medium belts.

Store Clerk:I'm sorry, sir, but our return policy clearly states—

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Return policy. Ever.

Store Clerk:Look, with that attitude and those stains on your shirt, I'm guessing your romantic prospects aren't exactly stellar either.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Comeback. Ever.

Homer:Wow, a belt with a buckle the size of a dinner plate! I wonder if God wears a belt like this.

Homer:If He does, what do you think His pants would look like? They'd probably have to be custom made.

Homer:And where would He get them hemmed? You can't just take the Almighty's pants to the dry cleaner!

Homer Simpson:Nice belt!

Store Clerk:That's not a belt, sir. That's a tactical load-bearing harness with advanced polymer webbing, modular attachment points, and compression-molded buckles designed to military specifications for optimal weight distribution and rapid equipment deployment.

Homer Simpson:So... a belt?

Store Clerk:...Yes.

Store clerk:This belt has a built-in heart monitor, defibrillator, and pacemaker.

Store clerk:It also features a GPS, Wi-Fi hotspot, and satellite phone.

Store clerk:Plus turn signals.

Jimbo:Hey Homer, trade belts with me.

Homer:Why would I do that? Your belt is made of a garden hose and a toaster.

Jimbo:He's signaling his turns!

Homer:Why you little—

Homer:I'm gonna—

Kearney:Yeah?

Homer:*presses panic button*

Homer:Son, if someone's bullying you, the best thing to do is tell an adult.

Bart:But Dad, aren't you always telling me to stand up for myself?

Homer:That's when it's convenient for me. When it's not, you tattle like the wind.

Bart:Dad, that's not going to work. They'll just kick you in the shins.

Homer:Oh, they're not dumb enough to fall for that? Those guys are geniuses!

Jimbo's Father:This is for complaining about my son!

Jimbo's Father:And this is for my own existential despair!

Jimbo's Father:Why aren't you crying? Why aren't you running away?

Homer:I'm used to it.

Moe:Alright, alright, break it up! You two are going to damage my bar!

Moe:I don't care who started it. Nobody fights in Moe's Tavern without paying for the broken furniture!

Homer:Why does this always happen to me? I'm a loser, a real nobody.

Moe:That's the spirit, Homer! You keep telling yourself that!

Homer:Thanks, Moe. That really helps.

Moe:No, no, you're doing great! Really wallow in it!

Moe:You see, Homer, boxing is a luxurious lifestyle. You got your fancy robes, your personal trainers, your nutritionists...

Homer:Mmm, nutritionists...

Moe:And the ultimate luxury of all — you get to choose your own salad dressing.

Homer:You can choose your own salad dressing?

Moe:That's right.

Homer:I'm in!

Moe:Alright Homer, final test. You gotta give me 100% of your paycheck.

Homer:100%? That's outrageous!

Moe:What's wrong? Ain't ya man enough?

Homer:Well... okay.

Moe:Welcome to my office, Homer. Pretty swanky, huh?

Homer:Wow, Moe! This is great! But what's that door over there?

Moe:Oh, that? That used to be the ladies' room. Hasn't been used in decades.

Homer:The ladies' room? But Moe, you turned it into your office?

Moe:Yeah, well, nobody was using it anyway!

Moe:Yeah, I had some real boxing nicknames back in the day. Started out as 'Gorgeous' Moe Szyslak.

Moe:Then it became 'Pretty Good' Moe Szyslak.

Moe:Then just 'Okay' Moe Szyslak.

Moe:And by the end, it was just Moe Szyslak.

Homer:What's that bucket doing in your office, Moe?

Moe:Oh, that? That's my old spit bucket from when I was a boxer. Never got around to cleaning it.

Homer:So why didn't you ever make it big in boxing, Moe?

Moe:Politics, that's why! If it wasn't for politics, I'd be a champion!

Homer:Politics? What do you mean?

Moe:I got knocked out 40 times! Forty times, Homer! You think that's fair?

Homer:Well, I guess that's pretty rough...

Moe:Damn Democrats!

Marge:Well, you see, the regulations haven't been updated since 1952, and frankly, no one thought anyone would actually be crazy enough to do any of those things.

Dr. Nick Riviera:You see, Mr. Simpson, your brain is protected by a layer of fluid we call cerebrospinal fluid. In your case, it's more like a surgical 2-by-4.

Dr. Nick Riviera:But I have other appointments, so I'll see you next time!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'd like to demonstrate, but I have a surgical 2x4 in the other room and several other appointments.

Moe:So Homer's strategy is to just stand there and take it on the chin, see? Real passive resistance stuff.

Moe:But then halfway through the fight, he starts holding, he's grabbing the ropes, he's got a horseshoe in his glove...

Barney:Hey Homer, I'm worried about you getting brain damage from boxing.

Homer:Brain damage? Barney, I'm already a town drunk!

Barney:Yeah, but at least you've got an excuse now.

Homer:So who am I fighting?

Moe:Some guy they call Boxcar Bob.

Homer:Boxcar Bob? What's his story?

Moe:Well, he actually lives in boxcars and he's literally hungry.

Homer:So Boxcar Bob fought his way up from the boxcars?

Moe:Well, he still lives there and he's always fighting with the other hobos for food.

Homer:Whoa, these gloves are great, Moe! They're so heavy!

Moe:Yeah, well don't get any ideas. Those things are loaded with lead.

Homer:Lead? What else is in here?

Moe:Uh, some horseshoes, a couple of dead batteries, and I think there's a small mailbox in the left one.

Audience member 1:His fighting style is so unique!

Audience member 2:Yeah, he fights like a real hobo would fight.

Audience member 1:He's even got a bindle tied to his boxing glove!

Lucius Sweet:You see, I treat my boxers like sons. I spend time with them, I take them to dinner, I even help them with their personal problems.

Lucius Sweet:Why, just last week, I was helping Drederick Tatum move a body— I mean, move into a new house.

Lucius Sweet:The sweet science of boxing is like a beautiful ballet, where two warriors dance the tango of pugilistic excellence.

Moe:Yeah, yeah, whatever. So are we gonna fight or what?

Moe:You're gonna get fustigated!

Moe:I ain't gonna fustigate nobody!

Homer:Still thinking in terms of hobo opponents

Reporter:Do you feel any remorse for your crime?

Drederick Tatum:Well, I've learned that if I ever do it again, I would reconsider.

Drederick Tatum:I'm gonna kill you, Simpson. I'm gonna orphan your children.

Homer:Wait, wait. If you kill me, my wife will die of grief. And my children will be orphans.

Drederick Tatum:So?

Homer:Well, logically you'd have to kill my wife too.

Drederick Tatum:I suppose you're right.

Homer:You're a loose cannon, Tatum.

Homer:Happy anniversary, honey! I got us tickets to the big fight!

Marge:Homer, that's... that's not what I had in mind at all.

Homer:With enough money, I could buy a mansion, a yacht, a private jet...

Homer:I could have all the fancy cars and jewelry in the world...

Homer:But you know what the real luxury would be?

Homer:Blue cupcakes.

Lisa:Dad, the odds of that happening are one in a million!

Homer:One in a million? So you're telling me there's a chance!

Homer:Wait, wait. I'm gonna stop you right there. You see, I don't believe the newspaper. Newspaper is just trying to scare me.

T-shirt vendor:Get your T-shirts here! Keeps you warm in winter, cool in summer, and most importantly, covers up your genitals!

Barney:Listen Homer, if you wanna prevent amnesia, you gotta keep your brain active. Do crossword puzzles, read books, maybe take up knitting.

Homer:Knitting? That sounds like something a girl would do.

Barney:Well, I tried it once and I forgot how to drink beer for three whole minutes. Worst day of my life.

Marge:Moe, I need you to protect Homer. He's in terrible danger.

Moe:Look Marge, I'd love to help, but if anything happens to Homer, you're gonna blame me. So either way, I'm a dead man.

Kent Brockman:Thank you, thank you. It's wonderful to be here with all you lovely people. You know, I've anchored news in Springfield for many years, and I must say, this is by far the most attractive audience I've ever seen. Well, actually, that's a lie. You people are homely. Terribly homely. But your money spends just as well as anyone else's.

Fan Man:Whoa, whoa, whoa! My hair! Not the hair!

Ring announcer:Welcome back into decent society.

Ring announcer:In this corner, weighing 239 pounds, the Master of Disaster, the King of Sting, the Rip-Roarin' Throttle-Jockey...

Ring announcer:Homer Simpson!

Bart:Yeah! Dad's crushing him! Look at those body shots!

Lisa:Bart, that's not Dad. That's the guy Dad's been losing to for the last five minutes.

Bart:What?

Drederick Tatum:You know, Charlie, I've been meaning to ask you - have you tried Krusty Burger? Their Ribwich is back in season.

Charlie Sheen:Uh, no, I haven't. Should I?

Drederick Tatum:Oh man, it's incredible. The meat is so tender it just falls apart in your mouth.

Referee:Uh, excuse me, are you two gonna fight or what?

Drederick Tatum:Hold on ref, I'm trying to tell him about their secret sauce.

Moe:Protect yourself! Move to the left! No, your other left!

Homer:Why is Moe a cactus?

Ring Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, what we're witnessing here is the complete and utter loss of boxing's dignity.

Homer:Are you an angel?

Moe:Yes, Homer, I am. Now come with me.

Homer:Wow! Even in death, you're a jerk, Moe.

Moe:What are you talking about? I'm an angel. See the wings? See the halo?

Homer:Those look like a couple of old sardine cans on a string.

Moe:Well, that's all they had at the five-and-dime. Now quit your bellyaching and come on.

Drederick Tatum:Would you rescue me like Moe did Homer?

Lucius Sweet:Of course I would, Drederick.

Lucius Sweet:Get in the van.

Lucius Sweet:You're fired, Moe!

Moe:You can't fire me! I quit! And take your job and shove it!

Moe:I don't want your money!

Moe:Oh, who am I kidding?

Homer:Why does everything taste like cardboard?

Marge:Homer, you hit your head again. We need to take you to the hospital.

Homer:Hospital? But that's where they keep all the crazy people!

Marge:Yes, Homer. Now come on.

Bart:Dad, I found your tooth!

Homer:That's not my tooth, son.

Marge:Moe, I just want to thank you for giving up your dreams so you could be here for us.

Moe:Aw, that's nothin'. You know, I never had much in life anyway. But having a friend like you... that's worth more than any dream.

Moe:Whoooaaa!

Homer:Look! Moe's got a helicopter!

Moe:I'm just borrowing it!