Milhouse

What'd you get for number one? Number two? Yeah, that sounds right.

-It smells like my grandpa. -Turn the page, Bart.

Can you keep a secret? No. Michael Jackson... is coming to my house!

Eww. Come on. Open it! Open it!

Aw! We could have seen a monkey.

Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket. It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics.

Burn.

Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball. You shake it up and it tells the future.

Will I pass my English test? ''Outlook not so good.'' Wow, it does work!

Well, you kind of sort of are.

Well, you kind of sort of are.

You know, like when you open an Eskimo Pie and you wait just a little for it to melt? But she doesn't melt. Oh, yes, she does.

We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.

We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.

Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?

Hand over all your money. Was it scary? Uh-huh. Ooh, baby.

Of course, they didn't use their real names, But you could tell it was them.

It's called Barton Fink.

Barton Fink! Barton Fink! Barton Fink!

Uh, I have a horsie. [Imitates Neighing]

What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school!

Religion? Learning? Let's get outta here!

The girls are calling you 'fatty-fat fat fat' and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants. But nobody's trying to kill ya.

Krusty poses for trading card photo. Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas. Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies... or even the dreaded rear admiral.

I want-a change-a my name-a.

Don't say that out loud. Two Caucasian males out of money in Sector 4. Go to code red.

This is wearin' a bit thin. You think so?

Our prayers have been answered.

Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

Springfield, Springfield It's a helluva town / The school yard's up and the shopping mall's down

New York is thataway, man. Thanks, kid.

Hey! Don't bogart that Squishy! I don't know where you magic pixies came from... but I like your pixie drink.

Oh, no! I must have joined the Junior Campers. The few, the proud, the geeky.

I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head. What is it with you kids and that word?

[Gasps] I'm a nerd! [Gasps] So am I!

My parents use that old love excuse to screw me out of toys.

My water dish is empty!

Don't mind me, boys. Just scrubbin' my undies. - Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy.

Is your pool ready yet?

I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find them. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not.

But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not.

Remember how I got Milhouse on America's Most Wanted? There he is on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again!

But I did tip off the feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend Milhouse. But I'm telling you, I didn't do anything. I don't care.

Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you at hockey... does that mean you're gonna become better than her at school?

Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard! Yeah! Every single night.

What's going on? Where are all the grownups? Who cares? With no adults around, I run this city.

Jeez! If it's in a book, it's gotta be true. Scary, no? And this guy is head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa.

You fool. Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?

Haven't you ever heard of Ockham's razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one. So, what's the simplest explanation? I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.

...are forcing our parents to go to bed early... in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. We're through the looking glass here, people.

I don't know, Bart. My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

Hey, Bart, the bakery caught fire and all of downtown smells like cookies. Want to go smell?

Do you hear that, Bart? That was the tardy bell! 'Truant! Truant! Truant!' They'll all say!

So long, suckers. This is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse. Sorry, Bart.

Lisa? My one true love. It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married.

Hey, that little boy is playing three games at once. Checkmate. Checkmate. Checkmate. Dang.

I found a hive of killer bees. You want to go throw rocks at it? Sorry, Bart. I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal. However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.

I can play in two weeks.

They're like two positively charged ions. Wait, that's it. With your book smarts and my ability to exploit people with book smarts we can figure out a plan to get them back together.

Hey, cool, there's a rabbit in here.

Oh, look, here comes Lumpy, the school snake. / Help! Help! / Oh, Lord.

It's clearly booming, Bart.

We've squozen our whole supply.

No. I said there's no time to explain, and I stick by that.

I thought you said you could read lips. - I assumed I could.

Correction: The only thing that's over is that transmission.

Smells like one of van Houten's. - It does not.

We both have a special, limited-edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.

Which one were you? The ugly one? - Were you the ugly one?

It's all in the delivery. 'Now is the winter of our discontent'-

It sounds like more fun than it really is. Hey! I think I'm lying on a broken bottle!

I like the way the blush brings out my cheekbones, but it's not worth it.

I've said 'jiminy jillickers' so many times, the words have lost all meaning.

Jiminy jillickers! - There, now, there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy.

The real heroes are out there, toiling day and night on more important things. - Television? - No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger.

Wow! Spanning two decades.

Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse? So cold. So very, very cold.

Bart did it! - That Bart right there! - Milhouse!

Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?

Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

Cover me, Sarge. I'm going after Bart's soul.

Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form!

Dude, you're huge! Yeah! Let's party, baby! Hey-hey-hey!

This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-Thrillhouse!

Uh- Uh, it's only a one-player game. Then how come it says 'second player score'? Mom! Bart's swearing!

What? I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they sent a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye?

But where do they make those crackers with the peanut butter already inside? - Uh, put this on and come with me, son. - Whoo-hoo!

I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.

Milhouse zones out completely when he sees a convertible

Milhouse's desperate 'Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!'

And she looks like Blossom.

You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!

Oh. You haven't said that in four years. Let Lisa have it.

'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around.

Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale-model pilot.

Hey, I know you from American Gladiators. You're Pyro!

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! - She does not! - Milhouse likes Lisa! - He does not! - Janie likes Milhouse! - She does not! - Uter likes Milhouse! - Nobody likes Milhouse!

But I'm all Milhouse!

You're more like a big sister. - No, I'm not! Why does everybody keep saying that?

Yes!

And also you should win things by watching.

When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? [Whining]

When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? [Whining]

When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? [Whining]

Hey! You said we were going to Dairy Queen. I lied. Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues. Then I promise we'll go to the waterslide. Okay.

We're what now? Three? Three-and-a-half. We get beat up, but we get an explanation

Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe as I make this remainder disappear. But seven goes into 28 four times. Uh- This is a magic seven!

Wacky shack!

I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, and then it fell over.

You said there'd be Fudgeicles, Bart. Where's the Fudgeicles? First, it's Fudgsicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold.

You said there'd be 'Fudgeicles,' Bart. Where's the 'Fudgeicles'? - First, it's Fudgsicle. And I know they're up here.

Ah, can't I just have the surgery?

Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup. [Grunts] [Chuckles] Again.

[Sucking] [Coughing] Your turn, Bart.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? [Babbling Gibberish] Give me that!

Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit!

I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

Well, I guess you could have. Milhouse, I am defending you. Oh. Sorry. I'm just saying, it was either you or the monster.

Here, Milhouse. You go first. Okay. Now throw the vine back. There's no time.

Hey. If a boar can survive here, there must be a source of food. Hey. I only stole two sandwiches and a bag of Doritos.

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight!

Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool? / No! / I think she's hot! Sorry. It just slipped out.

Well, I'm a Gypsy. / Oh, really? Prove it. / [Imitating Dracula] 'I vant to suck your blood!' / Nuh-uh. That's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered.

You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Bart! Bart! Bart! Over here! Over here! Um, I'll take- Rick me! Rick me! Nelson. Saving the best for last, huh, Bart? Yeah. That must be it.

This isn't the flag. It looks more like- Ew! [Laughs] Suckers. Go, Dad!

[Chuckles] Rookie mistake, Milhouse. [Groans]

Hey, these don't work. Uh- Oh, a lead shirt. I'll take three pairs. Here's my prescription.

What am I doing? This isn't me. I'm sorry, Milhouse. I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around!

Milhouse! [Milhouse Shouting] What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's!

She's got problems. Scary problems.

Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel 6? Uh, yeah. It's really something. [Screams]

Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers. My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need. My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.

Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone-dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

Ow! I pricked myself. Well, just keep working. You'll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later.