Jack the Writer

because Donald Trump was eaten by a lion this morning on the International Space Station

Anyone listening?

Um, where are my shoes?

No, no, just go. Just go barefoot! Just leave you shoes.

And I got that 'Baby on Board' sign you wanted to help you get tail

'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people and not while I'm driving.

Live every week like it's Shark Week

Ahem! Oh, Mr. Donaghy!

And we all love the music of Chamillionaire

Oh, yeah, it's a special kind of G.I. Joe

To master just its basic concepts, one must brave a five-day conference at a Sheraton

Honey Bunches of Sadness, Oat Bung, and Swaztik-o's

Fruit Lupus. No. Dingleberries. Fart Nuggets.

If you don't mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets, so could we just move on, please

And I was wondering if we could do that. Do what? Dilbert.

You guys want coffee?

And Brokaw says, 'Just go. Don't look back.' Now...I'm not a writer, but maybe there's a skit in that.

You don't think his idea of starting with the catchphrases and working backwards is panning out? 'Nuts to you, McGullicuty.' 'Who ordered the wieners?' Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Which one of your kids is it that you're afraid of? Kyle. Kyle. So strong.

You're inappropriate, you jerk, with your big stupid face!

Look at me. Look how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.

From Yankee Stadium. Yes, sir!

Oh, no, I don't actually. They kind of just stay up on their own. See?

No, but I don't actually want to work in television. Career-wise, I'm just gonna marry rich and then design handbags.

Oh, because you have, like, one of those body image things?

Good, because I was gonna say you still have a good body.

Oh, for some reason, I thought you had, like, three kids. 'Cause sometimes you have, like, food stains on your shirt and stuff. I just assumed that it was kids.

Boy, we as a group might not smell great.

Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

I was at a luncheon for Ann Coulter's 60th birthday.

Monkey Senate. We open on the Capitol--

You can't be in here anymore!

Dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes.

Would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires? Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law.

I took your advice. I'm wearing a bra.

But he sent you here to tell me to apologize. Exactly. I penciled you in for 3:00. This conversation never happened.

When I get nervous, I ask a lot of questions. Do y'all have a bathroom I could use? Y'all have long fingernails. Now do y'all rent this space, or do you own it? Hey, that's a funny-looking fish. What is that, like a grapefruit knife?

I always feel like I'm entering the Death Star. I expect to see Stormtroopers.

No, Captain Needa dies. He dies!

Your eyes. You have those black shark's eyes. You know? Very intense.

Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va-jay-jay.

I remember you mentioning what a big fan you are of the rapper Chamillionaire.

'Cause I was dancing with Frank? Oh, yes, yeah. I love Chamillionaire.

It's like that scene where you see the back of Darth Vader's head with his helmet off, and you're like, 'Oh! He's a human being!'

I gotta get some new DVDs.

And you, stop encouraging her. You're an enabler. You need to dress like you have a job. And parents who raised you in some kind of shamed-based American religious tradition.

And you're a size four, right? Well, aren't you sweet?

What are you wearing?! You're making me gay. It's a joke, obviously. I'm wearing this as a joke!

We're driving male viewership, and we're effectively synergizing backward overflow.

Excuse me, do y'all just have noodles with butter?

What group home did you escape from that you would dare talk to me like some plumber's wife in front of Ron Gordon and Bob Overmeyer?

Your ignorance was obvious when you waddled up to me with your thin-lipped mouth full of greasy peasant food and addressed me by my Christian name in front of the gentlemen from Fairfield.

But how would you know that with your nigh-40 years of public education and daytime television viewing?

I'm gonna have you writing promos for Arena Football so fast it'll make your inexplicably small head spin.

Go easy on the pizza.