Justice Is Blind

Well, I didn't read it. I just got it yesterday.

F.Y.I., I'm trying to get back into the dating world.

Hey, you're not one of those silly men that's dressed like a woman, are you?

No, baby. I'm the real thing.

Well, you know, God doesn't care how big your teeth are.

You could grind off about... I don't know... 30%, maybe more. Yeah, I wouldn't miss it.

Is that a shot at me? 'Cause that makes me want to read it less.

He thinks he's a lawyer 'cause he played one in 10th grade.

The Trial of Captain Hook

Well, you left during my solo.

considering she was repeating the ninth grade at the time

I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream... you'll be the envy of every Jerry and Jane on the block.

We're the only house on the block.

More than five?

Let's say 'five'.

These are lawyers... that's Latin for 'liar.'

How can something be 'no less than three' if it exceeds six? I mean, six is still more than three, right?

If you're pleading with me to have a drink with you, you can stop begging.

I'm Maggie Lizer, as in 'Maggie lies her ass off.' One person laughed at that once, and I don't know why I keep trying it.

Maritime. Maritime law. Lawyers of the sea.

Chareth... Cutestory?

You got all the answers wrong. You know you, you even got your name wrong here. It says, 'S. Fünke.'

what they want you to do is put an 'S' if you're single, an 'M' if you're married. I mean, most of us are all single

Oh, there... there's six 20s here. - That's right.

How else am I gonna get to work? - You ride a dog to work?

Well, it's tough with your hands in the way.

Uh, well, I have an irreversible case of ocular retinoblastoma. - Hey. I thought we said no more law talk.

I really can't see anybody right now. - Oh, well, I can't see anybody ever. - I'm blind. - I'm wasted.

Come on. I took a blind woman home with no intention of dating her again? Please!

It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence. - Yep. Yeah, that's it.

So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

a major blonde who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

What's wrong with her? / Nothing's wrong with her. / She's blind.

I'm Chareth Cutestory, a pirate lawyer.

You've just won the gold medal at the sexual Special Olympics!

Well, she was a darer. She's one of those girls who just dares you to do things. - You married her? - I needed a dare!

Oh, wait! What time is it? Oh, God! 'Seal the deal.' My seal deal! I gotta get to Sea Land.

God! Do you ever listen to what I say? I'm sorry I don't memorize every word that comes out of your mouth.

Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman. Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping.

So you didn't get a case of 'I just had a one-night stand with a blind girl'-itus?

three years is what I give them and then one of them dies and the other one is not too far behind.

I can smell right through you, Chareth. You're reading.

Well, you know, I almost did strangle myself on my own prayer shawl. A self-choking for the ages.

Faith is not a fact! - Oh, yes, it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.

Faith is a fact. No. Faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.

I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?

You can only get an annulment if you haven't consummated the marriage first. - Well, I guess I'll just stay married then... because we all know that I closed that deal, right?

I couldn't breast-feed any of you kids because of that man!

They still look fabulous.

Even when you slept with my sister, it was for a good reason. Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?

We've got Lizer.

What are you hiding from? You've got to call this off. You gotta get more time. Get more time. She can smell me.

That's the blind chick you slept with?

The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face and it can't even see you.

Please welcome... Surely Fünke!

What about you? Don't tell me another pirate is still roaming the high seas.

Three of the seals died on their way to Chad.