Comparative Religion

Dean Pelton:'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the school, not a creature was stirring, except for this fool. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that some secular boots would soon be there.

Dean Pelton:We need a PC alternative to Santa Claus.

Dean Pelton:I present to you: Mr. Winter.

Dean Pelton:He's jolly, he's giving, and he respects all cultures and religions.

Dean Pelton:We call him 'Mr.' Winter because of the formality.

Pierce:All this PC-ness is getting out of hand.

Jeff:Did you just say 'penis'?

Pierce:What? No, PC-ness. Political correctness.

Jeff:I know what you meant, but... yeah, you might want to avoid that phrase.

Troy:Yeah, Billy Joel sucks!

Pierce:Thank you.

Troy:Wait, who's Billy Joel?

Bully:I'm allergic to tree nuts.

Jeff:So you're telling me you can eat nuts from a bush, just not from a tree? That seems like a very specific allergy.

Bully:Give me your winter-doodles!

Jeff:You can't be intimidating when you're asking for things with names like 'Candy Cane' and 'Gingerbread Snap.'

Mike:Knock knock.

Jeff:Who's there?

Mike:Interrupting coefficient of friction.

Jeff:Interrupting coefficient of fri—

Mike:SCREEEEEECH!

Jeff:...of friction who?

Abed:It was like a Terrence Malick film, you know? All ethereal and contemplative. Then it became a Coen Brothers thriller, real tense. But then—and this is where it gets weird—it turned into a Jean-Claude Van Damme direct-to-video action movie from 1997, and then somehow it morphed into an obscure Dario Argento giallo film, and by the end it was basically a Troma movie with practical effects and a guy in a rubber suit.

Abed:I was just trying to simplify it.

Troy:Ironic since you made it more complicated, not simpler.

Jeff:I would've fought him, but I'm 30 years old now. And apparently at 30, you're supposed to just... let things go. Walk away. Be the bigger person. It's ridiculous. One day you're 29 and fighting is totally acceptable, and the next day you're 30 and suddenly you need 'maturity' and 'self-control.' Nothing actually changed except the number. But society decided that's when you stop fighting people.

Shirley:Oh Jeff, your pacifism is so admirable. You're just like baby Jesus.

Jeff:Thanks?

Shirley:Yeah, helpless, weak, and probably gonna get nailed to something.

Pierce:You know what? I think fighting and sexuality are directly connected.

Troy:What do you mean?

Pierce:Well, the more you fight, the more manly you are. And the more manly you are, the less gay you are.

Troy:Pierce, that doesn't make any sense.

Troy:By that logic, a moustache would completely disprove gayness.

Jeff:I didn't do the extra credit because I realized something important: failure isn't about not getting results, it's about not trying. So technically, by not doing the extra credit, I'm not failing—I'm just... redefining failure as effort rather than results.

Shirley:Wait, you're not Christian?

Annie:I was raised Lutheran, but I'm not really practicing anymore.

Shirley:Oh my God!

Annie:I understand your surprise, given my well-documented propensity for rule-following and general moral superiority.

Pierce:Agnostic? That's just a fancy way of saying you're too lazy to commit to being an atheist.

Pierce:I'm born-again, you know. I've found a new spiritual path.

Pierce:Level-five laser lotus.

Pierce:Clearly not Buddhism.

Britta:Wait, are you in a cult?

Pierce:No, I'm a Buddhist.

Britta:That's what cults say.

Pierce:Well, I got demoted.

Britta:For what?

Pierce:Not having enough Transformers currency.

Troy:But it helps.

Troy:Assalamu alaikum.

Abed:Wa alaikum assalam... but like, if salaam was a sentient blob that consumed entire civilizations.

Britta:Yeah, I'm not really interested in having a deep religious discussion right now. Can we just... not?

Jeff:What does this question even mean? 'Write a letter in Spanish to someone you know.' How am I supposed to know someone in Spanish? I barely know people in English.

Jeff:Chang, you need to stop this bullying situation before it gets worse.

Chang:You know what? Let them fight. I'm tired of breaking things up.

Jeff:Actually, it's 'cómo estás,' not 'como está.' The accent mark is crucial. I spent a semester in Madrid, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

Jeff:Dance? Like, with jazz hands and everything?

Jeff:Because I gotta tell you, I can do a mean rendition of 'Defying Gravity' from Wicked.

Abed:This location is perfect for an action sequence.

Abed:Wait, where are we?

Pierce:I got a B+ on the Spanish test. That's basically an A. I'm basically fluent now. I could probably teach the class.

Jeff:Pierce, you got a B+?

Pierce:Yeah, I nailed it. I even knew what 'amigo' meant.

Shirley:What does it mean?

Pierce:A guy named Migo.

Pierce:Including Rosie O'Donnell in list of dangerous ex-nerds

Troy:Wait, so you're saying Shirley uses religion as a way to manipulate guys into dating her?

Shirley:I don't manipulate anyone, Troy. I just remind them that God is watching.

Troy:Yeah, that's the manipulation part.

Shirley:Well, it works, doesn't it?

Troy:I mean, I have a lot of theories about fighting. I've watched a lot of movies.

Troy:But I've never actually been in a fight.

Jeff:Well, I try not to let anyone damage the moneymaker.

Pierce:You know, getting punched is like philosophy. It teaches you something about yourself. Back in 1987, I was at this disco in Reno, Nevada, and this guy with a Members Only jacket punched me right in the sternum. Best thing that ever happened to me. I learned that I could take a hit, that I was tougher than I thought. Plus, my chest hair grew in thicker after that.

Pierce:Troy, you should be Apollo Creed since you know... you people are naturally gifted runners.

Abed:I'll be Rocky.

Pierce:No, Abed, you can't be Rocky. Rocky's a real boxer.

Abed:I know. That's why I want to be him.

Pierce:You can be Adrian. Or the steps.

Pierce:You know what? You're right. I'm being aggressive. I'm sorry. It's just... you remind me of Rosie O'Donnell.

Shirley:You're being such a jew right now.

Annie:Actually, I'm not Jewish. But I appreciate you using 'jew' as a synonym for 'being careful with money,' which is both a stereotype and offensive.

Annie:Oh, sweet baby Jesus, you understand, don't you? You know what it's like to be misunderstood, to be surrounded by people who just don't get you.

Troy:Sup?

Jeff:Did you just challenge me to a duel?

Troy:You gotta look 'em dead in the eye. Don't blink. Ever.

Annie:Troy, that's not how intimidation works.

Troy:Also, floss daily. Gum disease is no joke.

Annie:What does that have to do with anything?

Troy:Life advice. You're welcome.

Troy:Man, you punch like a Bed Bath & Beyond cashier who just found out they didn't get the store manager position.

Britta:Actually, that term is considered offensive. What you should say is...

Troy:I can't think of a synonym for 'fight'!

Abed:I know this is going to be hard, but I'm going to try anyway.

Troy:What are you doing?

Abed:The same thing you just did.

Shirley:Today is the most important day of the year.

Britta:It's not actually Christmas.

Troy:What does that mean?

Jeff:Religion is like Paul Rudd. I don't know how he does it, but whatever he's doing, it works. And I don't want to know how he does it. I just want to enjoy the results and not ask any questions.

Jeff:I'm not taking orders from you, Shirley. You're not the boss of me.

Shirley:Oh really? Then why are you suddenly standing up straight? And when did you last eat a vegetable?

Jeff:That's... that's not—

Shirley:And those socks have holes in them. We're going shopping this weekend, and I don't want to hear another word about it.

Jeff:...Yes, ma'am.

Shirley:I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

Jeff:Oh no, not the disappointed thing. That's worse than mad. That's the classic mom guilt technique.

Shirley:Oh, is this one of those dishes where women can't eat it, or look at it, or be in the same room as it?

Shirley:Well, Britta, since you don't believe in God, I assume you won't be bringing a casserole to the potluck?

Britta:What? Why would my atheism have anything to do with that?

Shirley:Because you believe in nothing, so naturally you'd bring nothing.

Britta:Is that a bong?

Pierce:It's a Buddha incense holder.

Britta:It's a bong, Pierce.

Britta:I can't believe you'd do that. Isn't that un-Christian?

Shirley:Well, I'm Christian enough.

Annie:Just say the whole word, Shirley.

Shirley:...Crap-tastic?

Annie:Pierce, you can't just make up words! It's 'Jewish,' okay? 'Jewish.' It's not that hard!

Troy:Hey, don't mock the Witnesses. They're good people. They just can't celebrate birthdays or holidays.

Shirley:Oh Troy, that's not a religion, that's a cruel reminder of my childhood.

Pierce:You know what? Kant was an idiot!

Abed:I believe in aliens.

Annie:That's not what we're looking for.

Jeff:What's one thing we can all agree on?

Abed:The Islamic afterlife has 72 virgins.

Jeff:That's not—

Abed:Everyone agrees on that. It's in the Quran.

Annie:Shirley, you should really support Jeff. He's been working hard on his... technique.

Shirley:His technique?

Annie:Yes, he's been practicing his stroke and really trying to improve his... performance.

Annie:You know, Shirley, I think you should support Jeff. I mean, look at him and Troy - the way they grapple, the intense physical contact, the way their bodies press together in competition. It's basically two males engaged in ritualistic combat as a display of dominance and physical prowess.

Shirley:Annie, that's... that's just fighting.

Annie:Exactly. Which, when you break it down clinically, is an inherently homoerotic activity.

Shirley:Well, I guess I'll just... clean up these napkins. Again. Like I always do. Because apparently I'm the only one in this group who understands basic sanitation and social responsibility.

Jeff:So Mike, I have to ask—with you in athletic wear 24/7, do you ever actually make it to the gym, or do you just wear the outfit ironically at this point?

Jeff:I'm thinking about joining a gym.

Abed:That's great! You'll finally achieve the physique you've always wanted.

Jeff:Thanks for the support.

Abed:No, I mean you'll die trying, realize it was all meaningless, and spend your final moments regretting every life choice that led you to that treadmill.

Bully:Oh, look at Mr. Fancy Pants with his watch. What, you think you're better than us?

Jeff:It's a Rolex.

Bully:A what? Sounds like a cheap knockoff. Probably got it from some street vendor.

Jeff:Mike, can we just talk about this?

Mike:Fine.

Jeff:Can we talk about this?

Mike:You literally just asked me that.

Jeff:But can we talk about this?

Mike:Oh my God.

Jeff:So... can we talk about this?

Mike:If you ask me one more time, I'm leaving.

Jeff:Can we—

Mike:I'm gone.

Shirley:Hold on, everyone. Let's just take a breath and talk about this like adults.

Shirley:Violence is never the answer. We need to find a peaceful resolution.

Shirley:You know what? Forget that. Somebody get me a bat.

Mike:It's Christmas.

Jeff:Well, actually, it's the Winter solstice.

Jeff:Even while being beaten, all I can think about is how this is going to look on a date. 'So this guy broke three of my ribs...' No, that's not a good story. 'He fractured my skull...' Still not working.

Chang:Jeff, you failed.

Jeff:What?

Chang:I'm just kidding. You passed. You'll continue with me as your teacher.

Troy:I'm not excited because Chang is teaching. I'm excited because now there's finally someone at Greendale worse at their job than the rest of us.

Pierce:Yeah, that's right. I did that. One punch. Wham!

Jeff:Pierce, you didn't do anything.

Pierce:Oh, so now you're denying me my victory? That's typical Jeff. Always stealing credit.

Jeff:Pierce, you didn't help me. You made things worse.

Pierce:That's the gratitude I get?

Jeff:For what? You actively made my situation worse. That's not helping, that's the opposite of helping.

Jeff:Instead of 'Merry Christmas,' I'll be saying 'Happy Holidays' to maintain academic neutrality and avoid any potential HR violations.