Investigative Journalism

Troy:Dude, we could be doing quests, unlocking achievements, finding hidden treasure...

Abed:We're literally at community college right now.

Troy:I know.

Britta:I don't know, I blacked out. Do you have pictures?

Pierce:I became even cooler. I got an ironic t-shirt.

Pierce:It says 'World's Best Dad' but I'm not a dad. Get it?

Jeff:Look, I need to be honest with all of you. Everything I do here, every study group meeting, every adventure we go on... it's all just because I'm trying to get into Britta's pants.

Jeff:I was just being honest.

Jeff:But hey, who wants pizza?

Abed:The Korean War only lasted 3 years. M.A.S.H. ran for 11 seasons.

Jeff:Buddy? What are you doing here?

Jeff:How did you even get in here?

Buddy:I infiltrated your intimate moment.

Buddy:You guys remember me from Spanish class?

Jeff:No.

Abed:Oh yeah, Buddy from class. I remember him now.

Abed:There's a dead plant in that corner that makes the whole thing sound extra pathetic.

Buddy:People don't notice me because of my body type, not my personality.

Buddy:Yeah, and then Britta got an F on the exam.

Annie:Britta cheated?! I can't believe she would cheat!

Buddy:So there was this time Britta lent Annie her bra, right? And Annie's like 'This doesn't fit,' and Britta goes 'Well it fits me fine,' and then Annie says 'Yeah, because you stuffed it with socks!'

Britta:I did not stuff it with socks!

Annie:There were literally five pairs of gym socks in there.

Troy:Why are we talking about this?

Buddy:I don't actually remember any of that. I just wanted to impress you guys.

Jeff:Buddy, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I don't think this is going to work out.

Buddy:♪ Why does it have to be this way, why can't we just stay together, why does love always have to... ♪

Jeff:Are you... are you singing right now?

Buddy:♪ Fly away from me! ♪

Buddy:I'm so excited I could burst! This is the best day ever, and you know what? That rhymes with my name — Buddy, studdy, mud-ee! Get it? I'm just so thrilled to be here, I could buddy-buddy-pal around all day long!

Dean Pelton:I may have exaggerated about those Sephora samples.

Dean Pelton:But I'd like to rub some things on Jeff.

Dean Pelton:Welcome to the newspaper office, Jeff. State-of-the-art facilities.

Jeff:Dean, this is a broom closet with a typewriter.

Dean Pelton:A very nice broom closet.

Jeff:Alright everyone, I'm assigning you all to work on an important investigative journalism piece. This is serious work that could expose real wrongdoing.

Jeff:The investigation is into which local pizza place gives the biggest slices.

Jeff:I need someone to go undercover and investigate illegal underage liquor sales at the local convenience store.

Britta:That sounds dangerous. I'll do it.

Jeff:Actually, I was thinking someone who looks younger. Troy?

Troy:I'm not trying to get arrested.

Jeff:It's for the greater good. And if it works out, you can keep whatever alcohol you confiscate.

Annie:How can you just make stuff up like that?

Jeff:I'm not making it up. I read it somewhere. Probably.

Annie:That's not how facts work!

Jeff:Annie, Annie, Annie. I've been doing this a long time. You develop a sense for what's true. It's called journalistic integrity.

Annie:This is so sexist! Just because I'm a girl, they assume I love crosswords.

Annie:I mean, I do love them, but that's not the point!

Jeff:You're my ace news hound.

Annie:Really? I'm your ace news hound?

Jeff:That's right.

Annie:I've never had a cool nickname before!

Jeff:I have to inform you all that Professor has passed away.

Jeff:He was hit by a moped in the Arby's parking lot while trying to retrieve a curly fry that had blown out of his bag.

Troy:Chang is dead. We're free.

Chang:You fools! Did you really think a mere break could end me? I am immortal! I have walked this earth for centuries, disguised as a security guard at a community college!

Troy:So we've got the smart one, the hot one, the old one... and Abed, who's just a total weirdo.

Abed:Hey!

Troy:Sorry, sorry — the weird one. I apologize.

Pierce:You think Buddy could be dangerous? I've thought about this. If Buddy were a serial killer, he'd use a wood chipper. He'd be very specific about it - he'd probably have a whole system. He'd keep detailed notes in a binder, organized by victim profile. The binder would be color-coded.

Troy:Wait, wait. So you're just keeping them... in a jar? Like, how often do you check on them? Because if you're not rotating them, they're gonna get all stuck together.

Pierce:Yeah, and I could be a astronaut, but we both know that ship has sailed.

Annie:A text was sent to all the black students about the concert time change.

Annie:But somehow a random French student named LeBron also got the text.

Annie:We should call the number that sent the text.

Jeff:Why would we do that?

Annie:To find out who sent it.

Jeff:Annie, no one's dumb enough to answer their own trap call.

Annie:Hello?

Dean:Oh hey Annie! Yeah, I'm just at home... doing normal Dean things. Definitely not in the bushes outside your apartment. Why would you even think that? I'm wearing normal clothes right now, not all black or anything. And this isn't a walkie-talkie, it's a regular phone. A regular phone that I definitely didn't buy at a spy store.

Dean:Wrong number! Yeah, that's what happened. I dialed wrong. It happens to everyone.

Dean:A very believable mistake. Very natural. Nobody would question that.

Dean:I mean, who hasn't accidentally called someone and then immediately hung up without saying anything? That's totally normal behavior.

Dean:Yep. Nailed it. That was my best lie yet.

Buddy:Ay, ay, ay, Annie, you're so fine, so fine, so fine. Ay, ay, ay, Annie, you're on my mind, my mind, my mind. I want to take you to the fiesta, show you my best-a, if you know what I mean, ay, ay, ay!

Jeff:Yeah, so that happened. And before you ask, no, we're not going to address it. We're just going to move on like it never happened. Because that's what we do here.

Buddy:You know what this group needs? A more sophisticated approach to ironic catchphrase deployment. See, what you're doing is you're using phrases that are inherently contradictory to their surface meaning, but you're not accounting for the meta-textual layer of self-awareness that makes the irony actually function. You need to establish a baseline of sincerity first, then subvert it with calculated insincerity, while simultaneously maintaining just enough earnestness that observers can't tell if you're being genuine or not. That's the sweet spot.

Buddy:I can kick.

Buddy:Watch this.

Jeff:Ow!

Jeff:I got a nosebleed from getting kicked in the face.

Jeff:It happens.

Shirley:My friend Gary is really nice. You should meet him.

Pierce:Gary? What kind of name is that? Sounds foreign.

Pierce:You know what they say - he's got a few screws loose. In my day, we just called it being a Jew.

Abed:Buddy's physical comedy is a masterclass in pratfall timing. The way he commits to each stumble—there's a geometric perfection to his falls. He's not trying to be funny; he's achieving comedy through pure kinetic geometry. It's like watching a Buster Keaton algorithm.

Pierce:Gary, you're fired.

Shirley:Wait, wait, wait. He's not a bad guy. He just has a lot of personal problems. His wife left him, he's going through a custody battle, he's got a gambling addiction, and he may have committed a felony.

Pierce:Shirley, that doesn't help.

Shirley:Finland is a magical frozen wonderland where the Northern Lights dance across the sky like ethereal spirits, and the people are so pure-hearted that they've never even heard of crime!

Shirley:The lakes are so pristine they reflect the very soul of God, and the reindeer roam free in forests of ancient pine, untouched by the cruelty of the modern world!

Shirley:It's a place where sorrow itself is banished, where darkness cannot penetrate the eternal light of human goodness!

Annie:Wait, before we vote, I have something important to share. I found this article about Buddy online.

Annie:It says here that he's actually a former convict who ran an illegal pyramid scheme.

Jeff:Annie, where did you find this?

Annie:The internet. It's definitely real. I definitely didn't make it up in the last five minutes.

Abed:You're doing the Hawkeye thing again.

Jeff:What Hawkeye thing?

Abed:The thing where you manipulate everyone without them knowing it. It's your signature move. Clint Barton does it all the time in the comics. He's the only Avenger without superpowers, so he has to be smarter and sneakier than everyone else.

Jeff:I'm nothing like Hawkeye.

Abed:You literally just did it to Buddy.

Dean Pelton:Look, I know profiling is wrong, but do you have any idea how much it costs to text message a minority?

Annie:Dean Pelton, for my article, I need you to choose: are you more of a spineless yes-man, or a craven boot-licker?

Dean Pelton:Why do I have to choose? Can't I be both?

Annie:That's... actually perfect for the article.

Dean Pelton:I'm not racist. I have a very diverse friend group. In fact, when I was a kid, my best friend was Black.

Dean Pelton:His name was Reggie. We did everything together. We were inseparable.

Dean Pelton:Then one day he just... disappeared. Never saw him again.

Dean Pelton:So you see? I'm not racist at all.

Jeff:Annie, you need to drop this story. It's not worth it.

Annie:Not worth it? Jeff, you're the one who said 'A real journalist follows the truth wherever it leads, even if it destroys everything.' So which is it?

Buddy:I tried joining the study group, they said no. I tried the paintball games, I got eliminated first. I even tried sitting at their table in the cafeteria and they moved.

I need more context about the specific punchline text to accurately attribute speakers in this Community scene. The character "Buddy" is not a main character in Community, so either this may be a guest character or there may be a name variation. Could you provide the actual dialogue text from the punchline?

Buddy:These lemon squares represent years of my life, my heart, my soul poured into every bite.

Pierce:Yeah, well, they're a little dry.

Buddy:You're like Hitler.

Jeff:Okay, first of all, that's not a fair comparison. Second of all, what do you want?

Buddy:No, no, no, NO! This is not happening! I can't— I can't find the book! The book doesn't exist!

Buddy:¡Ay, Dios mío! ¡No puedo! ¡No puedo!

Buddy:*collapses on floor, flailing* This is my life now! My life is OVER!

Security Guard:Sir, you need to leave the study room.

Buddy:No! No, I can't leave! These are my friends!

Security Guard:I'm going to have to remove you.

Buddy:Wait, wait, wait—

Abed:Leadership isn't about being the best archer or having the coolest outfit. It's about making decisions that affect people's lives, and being willing to live with the consequences of those decisions. Hawkeye doesn't have that burden because he's not real.

Annie:You're special to me, Jeff.

Abed:You called me Radar. That's a reference to M*A*S*H. Radar O'Reilly was the company clerk who could predict things before they happened. I've been waiting for you to call me that since the pilot episode. I've mentally prepared a response. I was going to be cool about it, but I'm too excited. I can feel my pupils dilating. Is this what happiness feels like? I think I might cry. Not sad tears, but the kind of tears that come from the intersection of validation and pop culture recognition. I've watched M*A*S*H forty-seven times. Forty-seven. And now you've acknowledged that I'm like Radar. This is the best day of my life since the day you said 'Cool. Cool cool cool.'

Jeff:Why do we call you Radar?

Abed:Because I have an uncanny ability to sense things before they happen.

Jeff:That's actually pretty cool.

Abed:Yeah, well, there's a downside. Every time I sense something bad is about to happen, I get an inappropriate physical reaction.

Jeff:What kind of reaction?

Abed:I get an erection.

Pierce:What we need is a good old-fashioned drive-by. Nothing says 'back off' like a drive-by.

Shirley:Wait, why wasn't I picked?

Pierce:Well, Shirley, you're a wonderful woman, but let's be honest—you'd probably try to bake the heist.

Jeff:Buddy! We've been looking everywhere for you!

Buddy:Yeah, well I found something better.

Britta:Better than what? Us?

Buddy:Better than Greendale. Better than all of you.

Troy:Dude, what are you talking about?

Buddy:I found a real community. One that doesn't fall apart every other week.

Jeff:Okay, so he chose them over us. That's fine. That was actually part of my plan.

Jeff:I wanted him to think he had a choice.