Interpretive Dance

Jeff:We have a real backdoor conundrum with the library.

Abed:That's what she said. Also, Megan Fox.

Abed:I've seen enough internet porn to know where this is going.

Annie:Ugh! Why would you say that?

Annie:I can't move my class time. I have a regular commitment.

Jeff:What kind of commitment?

Annie:Regular subjects. You know, the usual things people do regularly.

Britta:I can't make it. I have this thing that's not important at all, but I literally cannot move it.

Shirley:Pierce, you are a disgusting, racist, misogynistic dinosaur, and I hope you die.

Shirley:I feel terrible. I told Pierce to suck it.

Jeff:Yeah, I told him that too.

Pierce:You all thought I was dead, didn't you?

Jeff:No, of course not.

Britta:We never thought that.

Troy:Definitely not.

Annie:I thought you were dead.

Pierce:You all treat me like I'm dying. Like I'm Mickey Rooney or something. Well, I'm not! I'm still vital and strong!

Pierce:Though if I'm being honest, I've got my fingers crossed that I make it to next Thursday.

Pierce:You know what? I'm tired of being treated like I'm fragile. Back in my day, men weren't coddled like this.

Pierce:You want to know what respect looks like? Death threats. At least then you know someone cares enough to want you dead.

Pierce:None of your Beeswax... That's her name. Beeswax. None Beeswax.

Jeff:Look, I'm not hiding the relationship, I'm just being private about it. There's a difference.

Jeff:It's like... I'm basically Mickey Mouse's secret identity.

Jeff:Or Elmo's Discretion Theory.

Jeff:The Very Quiet Cat in the Hat.

Jeff:Charlotte's Privacy Web.

Pierce:Jeff's sleeping with a woman? That means he's gay.

Pierce:You're with one guy?

Troy:Two guys.

Jeff:Pierce, if you don't stop talking, I'm going to kill you.

Pierce:Thank you, Jeff. That's very respectful of you.

Troy:Troy and Abed in the morning!

Abed:Troy and Abed in the morning!

Troy:Woof woof!

Abed:Woof woof!

Jeff:Professor Slater, I have a quick question.

Professor Slater:Jeff, no. I'm not going out with you.

Jeff:I was going to ask if you had the reading list for next week.

Professor Slater:Oh. Well... that's embarrassing.

Slater:He just wants sex. That's all he cares about.

Jeff:So you're waiting for him to want more?

Slater:Yes!

Jeff:That's not going to happen.

Dean Pelton:A secret relationship? That's completely unprofessional!

Slater:Well, statistically speaking, 73% of office romances end badly.

Dean Pelton:73%? Why that specific number?

Slater:Because I made it up just now, and I'm really good at making up statistics.

Britta:We have sex 73% of the time when we're together.

Jeff:You're a therapist. You can't even have sex without analyzing it, can you?

Dean:We have a ranking system. All the attractive students and faculty are ranked by attractiveness.

Jeff:Wait, I'm on this list?

Dean:Of course you are.

Jeff:Where am I ranked?

Dean:Number two.

Jeff:Number two? Who's number one?

Dean:Me.

Dean Pelton:Now, the key to maintaining professional boundaries is to avoid any unnecessary fraternization. You must not let personal feelings cloud your judgment.

Dean Pelton:This means not noticing things like... the way someone's eyes catch the light, or how their hair falls perfectly across their shoulders.

Dean Pelton:Absolutely do not think about the curve of their jawline or the gentle slope of their neck.

Dean Pelton:And whatever you do, do NOT imagine what it would be like to run your fingers through their hair or feel their skin against yours.

Dean Pelton:That's completely unprofessional. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go splash cold water on my face.

Slater:Dean, we need to talk about the budget cuts.

Dean:Of course, Ms... uh... you know, you're really the... I mean, you're looking very... what I mean to say is, you're my favorite... I apologize, what was your name again?

Jeff:Yeah, that killed the mood.

Slater:Completely killed it.

Madame Leclair:What happens in this class stays in this class. You do not talk about dance outside these walls. You do not mention it to your friends, your family, or your pets. If I find out you've been talking about dance, I will find you. I will break both of your legs. And then I will break your arms. And then I will break your neck. Do you understand?

Britta:Troy, what are you doing in dance class?

Troy:I love dance. In a very straight way.

Britta:We haven't spent much time together.

Troy:Yeah, because you don't do any of the things I consider fun.

Troy:You don't know how to have fun, Britta.

Britta:That's not true! I have fun all the time. I go dancing.

Troy:Dancing alone in your apartment doesn't count.

Britta:How did you—I mean, that's not... you can't just assume things about people!

Troy:Britta, do you know how much I've spent on dance shoes that nobody can see me wearing?

Britta:Troy, that's ridiculous. Why would you buy special shoes for secret dancing?

Troy:Because regular shoes don't have the ankle support for the moves I do when I'm alone in my room at 2 AM.

Britta:That's... actually kind of sad.

Troy:Sad? Britta, I've spent $400 on invisible dance wear. That's not sad, that's a lifestyle.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, I called you here because I need to have an intercourse with you.

Jeff Winger:...What?

Dean Pelton:A brief intercourse. It won't take long.

Jeff Winger:Dean, you can't just—

Dean Pelton:I insist we have this intercourse right now. It's about your conduct.

Jeff:Wait, before we do this, I need to tell you something. I'm part of a study group. There's this guy Troy — he's like the lovable idiot. Abed, he's the weird one who watches TV. Annie, she's the neurotic overachiever. Shirley, she's the mom. And Pierce, he's just old and says inappropriate things.

Slater:Why are you telling me this?

Jeff:Because if this becomes a recurring thing, you need to know that my life is basically a sitcom, and you're about to become a recurring character.

Jeff:They're going to catch us.

Slater:No, they won't. They're too busy with their own stuff.

Study Group:[immediately appears and catches them]

Annie:So, did you guys want to go ahead and do that thing you talked about at the beginning?

Slater:Why is everyone staring at me?

Annie:Because we're like a family. And in families, we support each other, we look out for one another, and sometimes we stare at each other when we're confused or concerned about something.

Troy:Wait, if you're the new mom, does that mean you're gonna make us lunch?

Troy:Can you cook macaroni?

Troy:Because I need to know if you're wife material.

Pierce:You know, this is just like the civil rights movement. Two people in love, breaking down barriers, fighting for what they believe in.

Jeff:Pierce, that's not even close to the same thing.

Pierce:Jeff, love is the ultimate civil right.

Pierce:I'm like Rosa Parks. I'm not moving.

Jeff:Pierce, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a bus as an act of civil disobedience against segregation.

Pierce:Exactly. I'm not moving.

Jeff:You're not moving because you're lazy.

Shirley:So what you're saying is, the difference between Pierce and Rosa Parks is that Rosa Parks was fighting for justice and equality, and Pierce just doesn't want to get up?

Pierce:Well, when you say it like that...

Britta:I was a dancer in New York before I became a psychologist. I was really good.

Jeff:That's... that's great, Britta. Really great. Very... flexible of you.

Jeff:I mean, not flexible like... I'm just saying it's cool that you had that whole other life thing going on.

Jeff:It's not ironic that you dance badly. It's ironic that you dance badly *and* you thought it was going to go well. You have no idea how bad you are at things.

Troy:What? No! I don't dance. I have two left feet.

Britta:Troy, I literally just watched you do a backflip.

Troy:That was... a fall. A very coordinated fall.

Abed:You were doing the choreography from that Janet Jackson video.

Troy:Okay, fine! Yes! I dance! I'm a dancer! Are you happy now, Britta? You had one job!

Dean Pelton:Jeffrey, I saw on Twitter that you and Britta broke up. Is this true?

Jeff:What? No, we just... how did that get on Twitter?

Dean Pelton:It's all over. Everyone knows.

Jeff:But nobody left the room. How did anybody find out?

Troy:Girls are supposed to dance because... well, you know, they've got all those parts that jiggle.

Troy:I can't tell anyone about my dancing. If the guys at school found out, they'd think I'm weird.

Troy:Football is for tough guys. Dance is for... well, not guys like me.

Troy:I mean, real men don't dance. They play sports, they fix things, they don't do... whatever this is.

Shirley:Annie's got it bad for Jeff. She's like a coffee that thinks it's a juice.

Shirley:She's bitter, she's dark, but she keeps trying to be sweet and refreshing.

Shirley:And Jeff? He's just drinking whatever's in front of him, not even tasting it.

Shirley:Where is all this cynicism coming from?

Shirley:You people...

Annie:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just say 'you people'?

Shirley:What? I meant you people in the study group.

Annie:Sure you did.

Shirley:Oh, I LOVE this! Finally! Finally I get to be offended!

Jeff:Hearsay. That's inadmissible.

Pierce:Well, I have 47 followers on Twitter who would disagree with you.

Jeff:Pierce, those are all fake accounts you created.

Pierce:Fake? I'm @SexyPrehistoricMan. I have a very active dating life online.

Dean Pelton:Question 7: If your partner were a food, what food would they be?

Dean Pelton:Question 8: Describe your partner in one word.

Dean Pelton:Question 9: If you and your partner were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you want to have?

Dean Pelton:Question 10: If your partner were naked, how long would you stare?

Jeff:Dean!

Dean Pelton:What? It's a valid question!

Britta:So how would you describe me? Like, what am I to you?

Jeff:You're... a lot of fun. I mean, you're smart, you're beautiful, you're—

Britta:That's not what I'm asking. After weeks of this, what are we?

Jeff:We're two people who enjoy spending time together. Why do we need to complicate it with labels?

Dean Pelton:So Jeff, what is your official relationship status?

Jeff Winger:I... uh... well, it's complicated.

Dean Pelton:Of course it is.

Jeff:Look, fear of commitment isn't unoriginal. It's a fundamental human condition. I mean, think about it — nobody wants to commit to a cell phone plan, nobody wants to commit to a gym membership, nobody wants to commit to a Costco membership.

Jeff:It's not me being afraid of commitment. It's me being smart about my options.

Jeff:You know, ketchup is just tomato jam. And Jim Belushi is just a guy. We accept these things because society tells us to. But what if we questioned everything? What if we demanded the truth?

Jeff:I'm trying to say... I ate the last bagel.

Jeff:Jim Belushi is a treasure.

Slater:Jim Belushi is a treasure.

Jeff:We've basically just spent twenty minutes insulting Jim Belushi.

Annie:You're going to be great out there.

Annie:I mean, I have no idea what you're doing, but you're going to be great at it.

Pierce:Hey everybody, who wants to buy some candy? I got all the good stuff here!

Pierce:These are my special gooby bars — I made up that word myself, it means they're good AND gooey!

Pierce:Only five dollars each! Come on, don't be shy, gooby bars for everyone!

Pierce:Wait, why are there six dancers if the title is 'Tea for Two'?

Annie:Shh!

Pierce:Is this... is this a dance? Because it looks like she's being electrocuted.

Pierce:Wait, wait, wait. Are those flowers real? Because if they are, this is animal cruelty.

Jeff:Oh, this is great. This is great. We've got a real improvisational moment happening here. Troy didn't plan to be up there, Britta didn't plan for him to be up there. This is authentic human interaction, which, as we all know, is the best kind of entertainment.

Jeff:I'm going to sit back and enjoy this like I'm watching a really good show. Which, technically, I am.

Britta:Why did you even come here after what you did?

Troy:Because we're friends, and friends don't let friends stay mad. Also, I'm wearing a shirt with a car on it, which makes everything better.

Abed:This is fascinating. They're deconstructing the traditional hierarchies of partner dancing while simultaneously reinforcing them through their own self-consciousness about the deconstruction. It's a postmodern commentary on authenticity masquerading as ironic detachment, which makes it simultaneously sincere and completely fraudulent.

Britta:That was so brave of you.

Troy:Actually, I was just scared. I thought if I did something heroic, maybe you wouldn't notice how terrified I was.

Pierce:Troy, that was quite a performance. Very... fluid. You know, I have nothing against the gays.

Troy:Pierce, what are you talking about?

Pierce:I'm just saying, there's nothing wrong with it. My best friend in the Navy was gay. Of course, we didn't know it at the time. We all thought he was just very interested in musical theater and interior design.

Annie:How did your relationship with me contribute to Troy's growth?

Jeff:Well, you see, by being in a relationship with you, I learned what it takes to be vulnerable and emotionally available. Troy watched that, and realized he could do the same with Britta.

Annie:Jeff, you and I were never in a relationship.

Jeff:Exactly. So imagine how much I learned.

Jeff:These are for you. Your performance was... really good.

Britta:Thank you, Jeff. They're beautiful.

Jeff:Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure they weren't flammable. I didn't check, so I'm just assuming they're not flammable.

Britta:Why would flowers be flammable?

Jeff:I don't know. That's what worries me.

Pierce:Four-letter word for actor brothers.

Troy:Bridges.

Pierce:That's it!