Communication Studies

PA Announcer:Love being dizzy and belligerent because cupid's face is drawn on with marker.

Jeff:Britta? Brit... Brita? Like the water filter? Beetlejuice? Beatrice? Brenda?

Britta:It's Britta.

Jeff:Right, that's what I said.

Britta:Valentine's Day is just a capitalist construct designed to commodify love and reduce women to objects of consumption. It's basically legalized prostitution with chocolate.

Britta:Hey, it's me. So I'm at this thing, and I'm thinking about you, and I just... I wanted to call and say... wassup? No, that's not— I'm not good at this sober, and I'm definitely not good at this drunk. Which, by the way, I'm not drunk. I'm just... I've had some drinks. Some drinks that I'm responsible about. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... I miss you? Or I'm angry at you? One of those. Definitely one of those. Call me back. Or don't. Either way is fine. It's not fine. It's really not fine.

Annie:A mascot with arrows? That's a serious safety hazard.

Cafeteria Cook:I'm going to break your legs.

Annie:What?!

Cafeteria Cook:I'm going to break your legs... so you can't run away from my love.

Abed:Meryl Streep didn't get where she is today by sending muffins. She baked them fresh on set.

Abed:The thing about sarcasm is that it's all in the delivery. Like, if I say 'Oh great, another paintball war,' with the right inflection, everyone knows I'm being sarcastic.

Abed:But if I say it like this—'Oh great, another paintball war'—it just sounds sincere, which defeats the entire purpose of the sarcasm, thus making the meta-commentary on my own use of sarcasm ironic because I'm now being sincere about something I was just being sarcastic about.

Troy:Wait, what if I got her something with my name in it? Like a personalized gift?

Troy:I could get her a 'Barney Miller' DVD set. You know, as a variation of Troy Barnes?

Shirley:Valentine's Day is just a commercialized holiday designed to make us buy things we don't need. It's so materialistic and un-Christian.

Shirley:You know, it's supposed to be about Saint Valentine, who died for our credit card debt.

Jeff:You need water, aspirin, and a big greasy breakfast.

Jeff:Actually, you need to say you were at the library all night. Building a false digital footprint — deleted emails, fabricated library records.

Jeff:We should probably get you a burner phone just in case someone asks follow-up questions about your whereabouts.

Jeff:You look terrible.

Britta:I feel terrible. I drank too much last night.

Jeff:You always drink too much. Your liver must hate you.

Britta:My liver and I have an understanding.

Jeff:Yeah, mutual destruction. You're slurring your words, your makeup looks like a crime scene, and I'm pretty sure you're still drunk.

Britta:Okay, you know what? I'm just going to shut up now.

Jeff:Ouch, that really hurt.

Britta:Good.

Jeff:No, I mean your breath. Is that whiskey or paint thinner?

Abed:B.C.I. stands for 'Butts, Coitus, and Innuendo.'

Jeff:She's just denying her attraction to me. It's a classic defense mechanism. Deep down, Britta knows she wants me, but her insecurities won't let her admit it. So she lashes out, acts superior, pretends to be above it all. It's really quite transparent when you understand psychology like I do.

Abed:You know what this is? This is the drunk dial episode. It's a classic sitcom trope where someone calls another character while intoxicated and says things they normally wouldn't say.

Abed:The thing is, we're living in a sitcom, so we're going to have to do this eventually. It's inevitable.

Jeff:You're telling me you don't know this classic sitcom trope?

Abed:Oh no, I never watch TV. I just have an encyclopedic knowledge of every show ever made through osmosis and pure instinct.

Pierce:I met her at a geology convention.

Pierce:Well, I thought it was a geology convention. Turns out it was geography. I don't know the difference.

Chang:I have a bullcrap detector. Beep beep beep beep beep!

Chang:You signed your own name? To a fake girlfriend's love note?

Troy:I panicked!

Annie:Chang is cutting that steak like dignity — carefully, methodically, with respect.

Annie:And then he eats the gristle.

Annie:I want my juice box. Now. And I want it in the little plastic pouch with the straw attached.

Cafeteria Worker:We don't have juice boxes.

Annie:Then make one happen. I'm not leaving this line until you do.

Jeff:I once got so drunk at Disney World that I fought with a robot.

Britta:Really?

Jeff:No, but I'm trying to make you feel better about yourself.

Leo:This is my bullcrap meter. When someone's talking bullcrap, the needle goes up.

Leo:So when I say 'doody meter'... wait, no.

Abed:Look, I get it. You did a commercial for dish soap once. That doesn't make you Christian Bale.

Actor:Hey, that commercial was very well-received!

Abed:Yeah, well, Christian Bale would never be this difficult on set. He'd just yell at the crew and move on.

Abed:See, in a traditional sitcom, you need a clear power dynamic. Someone's the boss, someone's not. It creates tension, conflict, comedy.

Abed:Like 'Who's the Boss?' The whole show is right there in the title. Tony Danza's the housekeeper, but he's also kind of the boss of the household dynamic.

Abed:It's the fundamental sitcom equation. Hierarchy equals humor.

Abed:I've seen every episode of Who's the Boss.

Jeff:Really?

Abed:No. I've never actually watched it.

Jeff:Okay, I'm going to take Abed's advice and find better balance in my life.

Abed:That's great. What are you going to do?

Jeff:Well, I'm going to stand on one leg for exactly eight hours a day.

Abed:That's not what I meant by balance.

Jeff:Too late. I've already started a spreadsheet.

Jeff:I'm not drunk. Why would you say that? I'm completely fine. I can walk in a straight line, see? *stumbles* That's just the floor being uneven. And my words are coming out perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Abed:He's like that unnamed Asian character from Lost. He'll show up in two episodes, be really important, then disappear and nobody will ever mention him again.

Abed:People don't like Britta because she's the worst. She's like if a well-meaning person and a wrecking ball had a baby, and that baby was raised by a TED talk.

Jeff:Britta argues about everything. She's like a YouTube comments section that gained consciousness and learned to wear a cardigan.

Jeff:Abed, do you ever stop observing people? It's like being watched by a beige praying mantis.

Abed:It's like we're Scorsese and De Niro. Except you're the one who needs the drink.

Chang:You two look like you got hit by a bus.

Jeff:We feel like it.

Chang:You should sue. I know a great law firm: Lionel Hutz and Associates.

Abed:That's from The Simpsons.

Chang:So? He's still a lawyer.

Chang:Princeton? PRINCETON?! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I got into Princeton! Me! Chang! Princeton wants ME! This is the most beautiful day of my entire life! I'm going to be a Princeton man! An Ivy Leaguer! Oh, the prestige! The tradition! The... wait, what does this say? 'Congratulations on being selected for our exciting new online diploma program'? ONLINE?! That's even BETTER! I don't even have to leave! This is perfect!

Chang:I am the law in this school!

Troy:That's... not how any of this works.

Chang:Silence! I will dropkick the next person who speaks!

Pierce:You can't even reach our faces from down there.

Chang:Then I'll find a stepladder and dropkick you anyway!

Jeff:What happened last night? I was completely wasted.

Abed:You did an iconic movie dance scene.

Jeff:What? Which one?

Abed:I don't know, some vague description that could apply to like five different movies.

Jeff:Ringworm? Wait, no... Ringwald. Molly Ringwald.

Pierce:Wait, what size is this dress? I'm not trying on anything that makes me look fat.

Annie:Pierce, don't be upset. There's nothing wrong with your body.

Annie:You're a big, strong man. Women like that.

Annie:Your size is actually really impressive.

Shirley:You know, I just realized I made a callback to my own joke from three episodes ago. That's the kind of self-aware humor that really separates the Shirley Bennetts from the... well, everyone else.

Jeff:Look, I can explain. I was trying to call Britain to order some toffees. I got confused about the time zones, thought I'd reach them during business hours. Instead I got your mom's cell phone. Apparently your area code is very similar to London's. Also, I may have been drinking.

Jeff:I'm not getting that one. It sounds like it's going to ask me about my feelings.

Annie:You know what? You two are like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, except instead of being identical twins, you're identical idiots.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Annie, Shirley, you two need to avert your eyes. This is adult content.

Troy:We're going to shield you from the harsh realities of the world by doing the most inappropriate thing possible in front of you.

Jeff:Hey, it's me. I'm calling from the bar. I just wanted to say... Abed's got a turtle face. Like, have you noticed that? A turtle face. I'm not even drunk, I'm just... observing. Anyway, call me back.

Jeff:Hey Britta, it's me. I just wanted to say that you're really great and I think you're really smart and funny and—

Britta:Okay, that's sweet.

Jeff:—and I love the way you laugh, and I love the way you look at me, and sometimes when you're not looking I look at you, and I think about—

Abed:How long is this message?

Britta:There's more.

Troy:Pierce, we don't need to go to frozen yogurt right now.

Pierce:Are you kidding? After all that dancing, we earned it!

Troy:Yeah, but I'm really uncomfortable and—

Pierce:Uncomfortable? Troy, frozen yogurt fixes everything. It's basically medicine.

Random student:Hey, get a room!