Physical Education

Jeff:I'm taking a billiards class.

Shirley:Oh, so you can look cool bending over the table in a tight shirt?

Britta:You dropped the baggels!

Troy:These baggels are amazing!

Britta:It's bagels, Troy. Bag-els. I'm from New York, I know bagels. And they're pronounced baggels.

Troy:That's what I said...

Jeff:Britta, you've been saying that word wrong the entire time.

Britta:What? No, I haven't. I say it perfectly fine.

Jeff:You're literally mispronouncing every syllable.

Britta:Jeff, I know how to pronounce things. I'm very well-spoken.

Jeff:You just did it again!

Britta:Did what again?

Jeff:Oh sure, let me just grab my 'ghoti' from the 'fridge' real quick.

Troy:Dude, it's 'fridge.' You're saying it right.

Jeff:Am I though, Troy? Am I?

Shirley:You know what the Bible says about two men sharing a bed? Leviticus 18:22. It's an abomination.

Annie:This is like The Notebook, except instead of two people in love, it's two people who don't understand social cues.

Annie:I mean— nevermind.

Pierce:Well, I've done my own forensic analysis. Notice the way she holds her coffee cup? Left hand dominant. That means she's either left-handed or ambidextrous. Also, she's wearing shoes, which suggests she has feet. And based on the curvature of her spine and the way she's breathing oxygen, I'm going to go ahead and say she's definitely a woman.

Pierce:But here's where it gets dark. Notice the slight wrinkle around her eyes? She's smiled before. A lot. Which means she's probably experienced joy in her life. And if there's one thing I know, it's that people who are happy tend to make other people miserable.

Shirley:Well, whoever it is, they need to know that Abed is a child of God, and God doesn't make mistakes. Except for gay people. God definitely made a mistake with those.

Chang:Class is OVER! Stop saying 'Adios'!

Students:Adios.

Chang:What? I'm Chinese. I can make jokes about Chinese people. There's so many of us, one less wouldn't even be noticed.

Jeff:I didn't think to check the name in the book because Britta kept mispronouncing it, and my brain just accepted whatever she said as fact.

Britta:That's not fair, I was just—

Jeff:No, no, it's not your fault. It's my fault for having a brain that works like a broken GPS that just blindly follows whatever the angry lady says.

Jeff:It's 'bagel,' Britta. BA-GEL.

Britta:I know how to say bagel. It's 'ba-GOAL.'

Jeff:You're the worst.

Pierce:Jenny Adams? That's a terrible name.

Pierce:You know what that means? She's either gonna be really fat or really slutty. It's like a name-based prediction algorithm.

Pierce:You know, Abed, when you find the right woman, you want to spend the rest of your... the next few years with her.

Pierce:College is a time of exploration. You experiment, you find yourself, you discover new things about your sexuality.

Pierce:I once made love to a woman on a pile of army blankets. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced.

Pierce:Then she stole my wallet.

Pierce:Britta, that was you!

Abed:I need you to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition me.

Annie:What does that even mean?

Abed:Transform my entire existence into something better.

Annie:Why didn't you just say that?

Abed:Hollywood remakes are just a way for white people to feel comfortable watching stories about other cultures without actually having to engage with them.

Troy:Hollywood's just not interested in black leads for action movies.

Abed:Yeah, they're afraid it won't sell overseas.

Annie:Wow, okay. That's... that's actually really depressing when you just say it like that.

Pierce:You know, this whole thing would be really confusing for old people.

Britta:You should totally ask her out, Abed. You're a catch. I mean, you're like a... a really good bagel.

Abed:Did you just call me a bagel?

Britta:A buh-GAL. It's a compliment.

Leonard:Nice shorts, Jeff. Did you get those at the 'I have no idea what I'm doing' store?

Jeff:At least I don't need a GPS to find my way out of the study room.

Troy:Whoa, hey Jenny. I didn't know you and Abed were... I mean, that's great. Abed's a catch. A real catch.

Abed:Troy, why do you sound surprised?

Troy:I'm not! I'm just... you know, good for you, man. You're very dateable. Very... normal.

Abed:You want me to be myself?

Annie:Yes, Abed, just be yourself!

Abed:Okay.

Abed:I'm staying right here. This is where I am. I'm being myself.

Abed:Because I have no idea how to talk to girls. I'm a textbook case of arrested development caused by watching too much TV as a child.

Abed:I was channeling a vampire.

Troy:Oh no. We broke him. We broke Abed and now we have to return him to the store.

Abed:I'm fine.

Troy:No you're not. Look at you. You're all white and you don't even care that you're unemployed.

Coach Bogner:The human body is a temple, Winger. A temple that requires proper ventilation. Shorts allow the sacred thighs to breathe, to commune with the chlorine spirits.

Jeff:Or maybe I just like wearing shorts because they're comfortable.

Coach Bogner:COMFORTABLE?! That's exactly what Big Fabric wants you to think!

Coach Bogner:You think you can just waltz in here looking like some kind of martini-swilling, cigarette-smoking poolroom sophisticate? This is a place of pool purity! Pool is a gentleman's game, not some den of vice where people in expensive suits make questionable life choices!

Coach Bogner:You're so worried about how you look. It's all vanity with you.

Jeff Winger:Coach, you've been staring at yourself in that mirror for twenty minutes adjusting your shorts.

Coach Bogner:That's different. I'm checking for chafing.

Jeff:To be or not to be... actually, Coach, what is your name?

Coach:It's Coach.

Jeff:Yeah, but like... your actual name?

Coach:Coach.

Annie:Changing is different from learning. When you change, you become someone new. When you learn, you grow into who you already are.

Abed:So if I learn enough, I'll eventually change into someone new, which means learning and changing are the same thing, and your entire explanation was meaningless.

Pierce:Abed, you need to change. You can't keep doing this to yourself. I'm telling you this as someone who cares about you. You're going to end up running a convenience store, and you'll be miserable.

Abed:Pierce, I'm not even Indian.

Pierce:Well, whatever. The point still stands.

Abed:That's a very attractive book you're reading.

Girl:Thanks.

Abed:You know, I find that people who read Jane Austen are often searching for something they can't quite find in their everyday lives. Desire. Mystery. A man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to take it.

Abed:Of course, I'd quit smoking if I thought it would help.

Woman:You can't smoke in here.

Abed as Don Draper:That's what the lady said. But then she wore that dress.

Abed:I'm playing a half-orc paladin who's secretly a cleric.

Annie:That doesn't make any sense mechanically.

Troy:Actually, I think it's kind of cool.

Pierce:She should have bigger breasts.

Abed:It's a half-orc, Pierce.

Pierce:I know what I said.

Annie:Mike Brady would never fall for Alice's advances. He's a man of principle.

Jeff:Annie, Mike Brady literally married Alice. That's the entire premise of the show.

Annie:No, he resisted her charms through sheer willpower. It's beautiful, really.

Britta:You should emulate someone more sophisticated. Like a French person.

Jeff:Britta, you are French.

Britta:I'm not French, I'm from Maine.

Jeff:Exactly.

Troy:Calvin's this cool, collected guy who's always getting into these philosophical debates with his best friend.

Jeff:Calvin Coolidge? That's... actually impressive that you know that.

Troy:What? No, Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

Jeff:Oh.

Abed:It's 40% mannerism, 30% wardrobe, 20% vocal inflection, and 10% just being uncomfortably attractive.

Jeff:You know what? I'm tired of pretending! These shorts are ridiculous! My legs look like pale tree trunks! I've been self-conscious about this the entire time and nobody cared enough to tell me!

Britta:Jeff, that's actually really vulnerable of you.

Annie:Yeah, we appreciate that.

Abed:That was genuine.

Troy:Real talk.

Pierce:I respect that, son.

Shirley:That took courage.

Abed:That's the Abed guarantee.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's Abed's girlfriend?

Annie:Yeah, why?

Troy:Because that dude looks exactly like Abed.

Annie:I know, right?

Troy:Man, Abed's gonna have such a hard time getting a job.

Dean Pelton:Jeffrey, your concern about shorts... or as I like to call them, panties... is noted.

Jeff:I'm not a hipster. I liked things before they were cool.

Britta:That's literally the definition of a hipster.

Jeff:No, it's not. I have very mainstream taste. I like things that normal people like.

Abed:You're drinking PBR out of a mason jar while wearing vintage Ray-Bans.

Jeff:That doesn't make me a hipster, that makes me someone with refined taste and the confidence to ignore social conventions.

Jeff:I'm not going to say 'I told you so.'

Jeff:I TOLD you SO.

Annie:Love, romance, and vaginas.

Pierce:The big three.

Abed:His name is Joey.

Annie:Joey? That's a very white name.

Abed:Yeah, I'm aware of the racial dynamics.

Abed:People usually treat me like I'm broken, or like I'm going to break. Like I'm a defective product they're afraid to return because they might get stuck with the restocking fee.

Abed:In third grade, a kid told me I had a 'weird face' and then spent twenty minutes describing exactly which parts were weird and in what order, like he was itemizing a return at Best Buy.

Abed:I've figured out why women are attracted to me. It's because I have no emotional availability, which makes me a blank canvas for their daddy issues.

Abed:My self-esteem is not a fragile thing, Britta. It's like a diamond. Or a very rich person's self-esteem.

Abed:The question isn't whether you can change. It's whether you want to change badly enough to do the work.

Jeff:Wow. That's... actually really profound.

Jeff:I've got a man to beat in pool.

Troy:Dude, there's a bathroom right there.

Britta:I don't care how you pronounce it.

Britta:Baggel. Baggel. Baggel.

Coach Bogner:Pool is a man's game, Jeff. You gotta treat it like a woman — with respect, firm hands, and just the right amount of... chalk.

Coach Bogner:And keep your shirt on. You're making everyone uncomfortable with all that glistening.

Jeff:You know what? I'm going to prove this to you right now. You think I'm bluffing? I'm not bluffing.

Jeff:See, this is classic projection. You're attacking me because deep down, you know I'm right. Your defensiveness is a textbook manifestation of cognitive dissonance.

Jeff:And frankly, the fact that you won't even engage with my argument on an intellectual level shows me that you've already lost this debate.

Jeff:You know what, Coach? I've noticed you're really obsessed with how people look. But have you seen yourself in that tracksuit? It's like you're trying to dress as a whistle.

Coach:What's wrong with my tracksuit?

Jeff:Nothing, if you're actively coaching a sport. Otherwise, you just look like you gave up on pants.

Leonard:I got twenty bucks on Jeff in the third round.

Coach Bogner:You think this is just about winning? This is about legacy! This is about honor! This is about two men, stripped down to their essence, battling for supremacy in the most primal of arenas!

Jeff Winger:Coach, we're literally in a pool.

Coach Bogner:A POOL OF DESTINY!

Coach Bogner:Jeff... you actually won. You're wearing the shorts.

Jeff:Yeah, I earned this.

Coach Bogner:I... I can't believe it. All these years, I thought no one could beat me at my own game. But you did it. You actually did it.

Coach Bogner:I'm not going to lie, Jeff. I'm proud of you. And that hurts to say.

Jeff:Thanks, Coach.

Coach Bogner:Don't thank me. Just... wear those shorts with honor.

Troy:Man, how does he do that? I've been trying to talk to girls all year and he just... walks up and starts a conversation like it's nothing.

Troy:I guess some people are just better at this than others. Must be nice being Abed right now.