Contemporary American Poultry

Pierce:No, I'm telling you, 'streets ahead' is going to be huge. I can feel it.

Jeff:Pierce, that's not a thing.

Pierce:Not a thing? It's the thing. I'm streets ahead of the curve on this one.

Britta:You just made that up five minutes ago.

Pierce:That's how language works. Someone invents it, and then it catches on. I invented 'the pizzazz.' I invented 'razzle dazzle.' This is no different.

Troy:You did not invent any of those things.

Pierce:Wake up, sheeple! I've been inventing phrases since before you were born. I probably invented your name!

Shirley:He asked for me specifically!

Abed:He said, 'Where's the black woman?' Shirley, there are two black women in this group.

Pierce:I'm telling you, 'fleeb juice' is going to be the next big thing. It's not just a phrase, it's a lifestyle. It's a revolution wrapped in a enigma, soaked in the tears of innovation, and garnished with the zest of pure entrepreneurial genius. When future generations look back at this moment, they'll realize 'fleeb juice' was the clarion call that awakened humanity from its slumber of mediocrity.

Pierce:If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Abed Nadir:These chicken fingers are so good, they're like... they're like the Holy Communion of fried food.

Abed Nadir:I mean, not that I would know what that tastes like. I'm not religious. But if I were, I imagine it would taste like this.

Britta:You know, being a vegetarian isn't just about health. It's about compassion for animals. Every time you eat meat, you're contributing to their suffering.

Jeff:Britta, that's a good point.

Britta:Right? So if we really care about animals, we should minimize their suffering by eating as many of them as possible before they have to live in cages.

Jeff:That's not... that's the opposite of what you just said.

Britta:No, think about it. The more we eat them, the fewer there are to suffer. It's simple math.

Britta:My cat was really sick, and I had to make the hardest decision of my life...

Students:Is that a chicken?!

Students:A chicken! Let's go!

Britta:Wait, no, I'm trying to tell you something—

Troy:Did you hear that? The chicken fingers are calling my name.

Abed:Troy, that's just the fryer.

Troy:No, I'm telling you, they're calling me. And text messages do it too.

Troy:If the chicken fingers are calling my name, that's a sign. A sign that I should not be friends with anyone.

Jeff Winger:Look, I'm glad your surgery went well. You know what? You're actually more likable when you can't talk.

Unknown student:...

Jeff Winger:But let's be honest, that's not saying much.

Britta:I always try to be thoughtful about how I communicate. I listen actively and consider the other person's perspective before responding.

Abed:That's the most pretentious thing I've ever heard. You just like hearing yourself talk.

Jeff:Our plan is like a mafia movie.

Abed:As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

Jeff:Abed, I'm assigning you the most important job.

Abed:Fry cook isn't typically the don.

Jeff:You know what life is? It's like a river. And we're all just boats floating down that river. Some boats are bigger, some boats are smaller, but we're all heading in the same direction. And that direction is... forward. You just have to believe in yourself, trust the current, and before you know it, you'll reach the ocean of your dreams. And that's the truth.

Troy:You're doing an amazing job with that chicken. Believe me, I know fried chicken. Nobody fries chicken like you do. You're tremendous.

Troy:I give it a 10 out of 10. Actually, an 11. That's how good it is.

Shirley:Would you like a chicken finger?

Shirley:How about I shove it down your throat?

Troy:You don't know Abed like I do. Last Halloween, he dressed up as a teapot. A teapot! Do you know how hard it is to be a teapot? There's no arm holes!

Troy:But he did it. For the bit. That's loyalty. That's friendship.

Abed:Chang and I have an understanding. He leaves me alone, I don't expose his entire organized academic corruption scheme.

Troy:Well, if one monkey is good, then ten monkeys would be ten times better!

Troy:This backpack has so many compartments, it's like... *robot voice* BEEP BOOP. MAXIMUM STORAGE CAPACITY REACHED.

Troy:He's not insane. He's just a victim of our society's obsession with automation and outsourcing. Do you know how many people have lost their jobs to robots?

Pierce:What does 'hackneyed' mean?

Jeff:It means overused and clichéd, like when a TV show needs to seem diverse so they cast a sassy black woman, a wise-cracking Asian guy, and a token gay character.

Pierce:Oh.

Troy:Hey there, you little...

Annie:Troy! We talked about this. You can't keep calling him that!

Troy:What? It's just a nickname!

Annie:A nickname? Troy, that's the third time this month. Do you know how many complaints I got on Twitter from the contest winners? This is exactly why we had those rules about the monkey in the first place!

Troy:Okay, okay, okay. You don't understand monkey physiology. When a monkey feels threatened, it goes into what's called a 'defensive cluster.' The fur puffs up, the tail curls, and it emits a high-pitched screech that can temporarily stun a human nervous system.

Troy:That monkey was protecting itself! And frankly, I think we all owe it an apology.

Pierce:Okay, okay, I know you guys didn't like it the first time, but hear me out. Streets ahead is going to catch on. It's catchy, it's cool, it's got that ring to it. Streets ahead!

Abed:Your ego is the problem.

Jeff:My ego? That's not fair. I have plenty of other problems too.

Jeff:I don't have an ego. I'm actually incredibly humble about my achievements.

Jeff:Like, just yesterday someone told me I was the most attractive person they'd ever met, and I was like, 'No, that's not true.' But they insisted.

Jeff:And when I got my law degree, I specifically asked them not to mention it was with honors. I just wanted it to be about the learning.

Jeff:You think you can challenge me? You'd need a powerful ass to do that.

Abed:I have a powerful ass.

Jeff:No, you don't.

Troy:I have to go. I need to feed my monkey.

Troy:His name is Aids.

Pierce:Catch you on the flip side!

Jeff:If you say that one more time, I will kill you.

Pierce:It anyway.

Jeff:I may have gotten you fired.

Star-Burns:Oh, so you admit it?

Jeff:Yes.

Star-Burns:Well then, I guess we're done here. I'm going to go ruin your life now.

Star-Burns:You got me fired, Jeff! You think you can just destroy someone's life?

Jeff:Star-Burns, come on, you were selling drugs out of the library—

Star-Burns:That's not the point! The point is I'm done being nice about this. You want to know what I know about you people? I know things. Things that could hurt all of you.

Troy:Abed, I need to talk to you about something serious.

Abed:What's wrong?

Troy:I've been having some... financial difficulties lately.

Abed:How bad are we talking?

Troy:Well, I've had to make some tough choices. I'm feeding caviar to my monkey.

Troy:We have to find Señor Scratchy! Señor Scratchy is missing!

Jeff:Yes, the monkey's name is unfortunately Señor Scratchy. We're aware of how it sounds. We're going to keep saying it anyway because that's his name and we're professionals.

Pierce:That monkey could be anywhere by now! It could be in the vents, it could be in the dean's office, it could be in my pants!

Pierce:And when they find it, they're gonna say 'We found Pierce's monkey in Pierce's pants,' and nobody's gonna believe me that Abed put it there!

Pierce:By tomorrow, the headline's gonna be 'Local Man's Monkey Problem Gets Out of Hand.'

Pierce:Next week: 'Pierce's Monkey Bites Child.' Week after: 'Pierce's Monkey Elected Mayor.'

Jeff:So you're admitting I was right?

Britta:I'm not admitting anything.

Jeff:You literally just said—

Britta:What I said was that if you looked in a mirror and saw yourself looking back, that would mean the mirror was working.

Jeff:Right. Exactly. So I was right.

Britta:No, that's not what that means. If the mirror's working, it means light is traveling to you from the mirror, which means—okay, never mind.

Jeff:What? No, keep going.

Britta:I can't explain it.

Abed:It's zucchini... in circles. Zucchini circles. Zircles.

Jeff:I get it.

Abed:It's a play on words.

Abed:I think Jeff makes everyone happy when he clearly doesn't.

Abed:Law & Order stole our storyline.

Jeff:Okay, so you're Michael Knight and I'm KITT.

Abed:No way. You're Michael Knight.

Jeff:Why would I be Michael Knight? I'm clearly the intelligent one.

Abed:Michael Knight is the human. He's the lead.

Jeff:KITT is the lead. KITT does all the work. Michael Knight just drives around looking concerned.

Abed:Fine. You're KITT.

Jeff:Thank you.

Abed:I'll be Devon Miles.

Jeff:Why do you get to be Devon Miles?

Abed:Because I'm the only one who can pull off the ascot.

Abed:What if this was like that scene from Die Hard where—

Jeff:Abed, every single thing you say is a movie reference. Can you just talk like a normal person for once?

Abed:That's what she said.

Jeff:That's not even a movie reference, that's just—

Security:Do you know anything about the missing hairnets from the cafeteria?

Abed:Well, they're hairnets. People wear them on their heads.

Security:Yes, but where are they?

Abed:Presumably on people's heads.