The Art of Discourse

Annie:I got a B! I'm celebrating with pie and whipped irony.

Shirley:A rescue animal is so much better than some fresh kitten from a breeder.

Shirley:I'm actually knitting an eye patch right now for my disabled rescue cat.

High School Student:Excuse me, we're from the local high school and we wanted to ask you all something.

High School Student:How do we make sure we don't end up as failures like you guys?

Shirley:I live in a studio apartment!

Shirley:I'm still relevant! I'm like the Brandy of my church!

Shirley:Winona Ryder, very hip.

High School Student:Who?

Shirley:Exactly.

Jeff:Wait, what does 'Schmitty' even mean anymore?

Britta:I don't know, everyone's just saying it.

Troy:Yeah, like, that guy's such a Schmitty.

Abed:Schmitty schmitty schmoo.

Pierce:You kids and your Schmittys. Back in my day we had real insults.

Annie:Actually, linguistically this is a fascinating example of semantic satiation where—

Shirley:Oh honey, it's just schmittyin' all over the place now.

Everyone:Schmitty!

Jeff:I built a school in Kenya, I've won three consecutive regional sales awards, and I once saw Burt Reynolds at an Applebee's.

Jeff:Pierce, why are you the way you are?

Vaughn:I'm singing with my guitar to woo a few chicks.

Abed:I had to smash his guitar. It's a crucial scene in the college movie montage I'm constructing. You need conflict, you need passion, you need a moment where someone destroys something beautiful.

Jeff:That's not a college movie trope, that's just destruction of property.

Abed:I have a list. Road trip, check. Keg party, check. Skinny dipping, check. Destroying a guitar in a fit of artistic passion, check.

Abed:Check-a-rooni.

Troy:I'll be like Morgan Freeman in The Bucket List. You know, helping you accomplish things before you die.

Abed:I haven't seen that movie.

Troy:What? Everyone's seen The Bucket List!

Abed:I don't watch movies where old people go on vacation.

Abed:Pantsing Troy was on my college list. It's a classic comedy trope.

Troy:You pantsed me?!

Abed:I was disappointed. You didn't have comedy underwear. It really undermined the bit.

Troy:I'm gonna pants you back!

Abed:That's also on my list.

High School Student 1:Hey look, it's Schmitty! What are you doing here, grandpa? Shouldn't you be at the early bird special?

High School Student 2:Yeah Schmitty, did you forget where you parked your Cadillac?

High School Student 1:Watch out, he might break a hip just walking down the hallway!

High School Student 3:Schmitty's so old, he remembers when the cafeteria only served prunes!

Student:Hey, is that a Discman?

Annie:Yes, it's a portable CD player.

Student:A CD player? What is this, 2003? That technology is completely outdated.

Annie:A Discman is totally trendy! It's retro-cool.

High School Student:No, that's just poverty disguised as a fashion choice.

Student makes another nonsense sound/word. Another variation on the invented teen slang pattern.

Pierce:That's like the pot calling the ket— the kettle... I mean, that's like the pot calling the... the thing that is dark... in color.

Shirley:Pierce, just say black.

Pierce:I know what I said.

Shirley:You're being so sensitive about this, but let's be real — you literally introduced me to people as 'the black woman.' So this whole thing is fake.

Pierce:I give everyone nicknames! It's what I do.

Pierce:Britta? I call her 'Britta-ny Spears' because she's blonde and makes mistakes.

Pierce:Annie? 'Little Miss Earnest' because she tries too hard.

Pierce:Shirley? 'Holy Roller' because she's always bringing up Jesus.

Annie:Pierce, why would you call me a lesbian?

Pierce:Because you have a wallet chain.

Abed:You assumed I was a terrorist.

Pierce:Well, I'm sorry if I offended you, and I'm sorry if I offended the terrorists.

Jeff:Pierce, that's antisemitic.

Pierce:What? I was giving you a compliment! Crafty Jew brain!

Jeff:I'm going to lawyer the hell out of this case. That's lawyer as a verb.

Jeff:I know, I know. That was bad. I'll come up with better material.

Jeff:Clearasil joke setup about acne

Jeff:Convoluted reality TV reference that makes no sense

Jeff:I'm going to say something so clever, you're all going to feel stupid.

Student 1:I'm going to say something so clever, you're all going to feel stupid, duh.

Student 2:Duh.

Jeff:That's not... you're doing it wrong.

Student 3:That's not... you're doing it wrong, duh.

Jeff:You see, what you're doing is a form of mimicry. It's a rhetorical technique where you repeat back what someone says to—

High School Student:Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking.

Troy:Thanks for calling my idea great.

Britta:That was sarcasm. The goat is smarter than you.

Troy:If there's lightning everywhere, we're all gonna die.

Abed:That's not what it means.

Troy:It means there's lightning everywhere!

Abed:Every group has a scapegoat. On 'Saved by the Bell,' it was Screech. On 'The Office,' it's Toby. On 'Friends,' it's Ross.

Abed:And in our group...

Abed:It's a turtle.

Britta:I'm not going to be the new scapegoat.

Britta:I'm going to be the escape-goat.

Jeff:How do you even pronounce that?

Britta:It's 'bagel.' Well, actually, it's 'bah-ZHEL.' That's the French pronunciation.

Jeff:It's a bagel, Britta.

Britta:You know what? I don't expect you to understand the nuances of international cuisine.

Annie:Britta, you can't just trick someone into baptism!

Britta:But I'm helping them. They just don't know it yet.

Abed:We're being hazed. The fraternity is making us do humiliating things to break our spirits and bond us through shared trauma.

Troy:Oh, is that what this is? I thought they were just being nice. This pretzel is great!

Abed:Troy, you're supposed to realize it's humiliating.

Troy:Well, I'm adding mustard to it, so it's even better.

Pierce:I'm a bag guy, Shirley. We just have the same bag.

Shirley:Pierce, that doesn't make it better!

Troy:Jeff should sleep with the student's mother.

Troy:If someone insults me, I can't get mad because I'm too busy being impressed by their commitment to the bit. And if they're not trying to insult me, then there's nothing to get mad about. It's foolproof.

Jeff:You know, I think it's important to keep things where they belong.

Jeff:Like, everything in its right... place... of belongingness.

Troy:So we built this robot, and I was thinking, you know how in movies when they need to bring something to life, they always use some kind of magical liquid? Well, what if bong water actually works?

Abed:That's not how robots work.

Troy:Not with that attitude it doesn't.

Abed:This is the part of the college movie where we're all sitting around wondering what comes next. Classic trope. We've got the mismatched friend group, the institutional setting, the uncertain future... *pulls out imaginary clipboard* Yep, checking that off.

Shirley:Hi, I'm Shirley. Nice to meet you.

Pierce:Aunt Jemima!

Shirley:No, Shirley. Shirley Bennett.

Shirley:I'm tired of everyone treating me like I'm just the mom of the group. I have thoughts and feelings beyond making snacks and giving advice.

Pierce:I know what you mean. Nobody takes me seriously either.

Shirley:Really? Because last week you told everyone about your colonoscopy for twenty minutes and they all listened.

High School Student:I think someone schmittied in the bathroom.

Mark:You're trying to seduce my mother? You're trying to seduce my mother!

Mark:You know what? Fine. Go ahead. She's a whore anyway.

Mark's Mom:I did the best I could raising him!

Mark:Schmitty!

Jeff:Duh.

Britta:Duh?

Jeff:Duh duh duh.

Britta:Duh duh.

Jeff:Duh?

Britta:Duh duh duh duh.

Jeff:Duh.

Abed:Jeff and Britta are still fighting like teenagers because they never resolved their adolescent issues. Jeff needs constant validation of his intelligence and attractiveness, while Britta uses contrarianism as a defense mechanism against feeling inadequate. They're locked in a cycle of mutual provocation that gives them both what they crave most: attention.

Annie:You know what? You're all Schmitties!

High School Student 1:Wow, really? We're just kids!

High School Student 2:That's so mean to say to teenagers!

High School Student 3:We're barely old enough to handle this kind of criticism!

Abed:College experiences don't happen organically.

Multiple:Food fight breaks out

Pierce:You take the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on.

Shirley:That's the porn name formula.

Pierce:My porn name would be Scampy Sesame Street.

Shirley:Even worse combination - philosopher plus diet soda

Pierce:I've been doing this for fifteen years.

Shirley:Pierce, it's your first week.

Pierce:Yeah, well, I'm a quick learner.

Pizza Delivery Guy:Hey there. I've got your extra large pepperoni right here.

Jeff:Oh yeah? How long did that take?

Pizza Delivery Guy:Forty-five minutes.

Jeff:That's unacceptable. Your website said thirty minutes or it's free.