Modern Warfare

Abed:Disco will never come back.

Troy:What are you talking about? Disco is cool now.

Abed:No it isn't. And it never will be, no matter how old we get.

Abed:You know what's interesting about disco? It's so bad that it's actually good again. We're at that perfect point in the cultural cycle where you can say 'That's groovy, baby' and people won't know if you're being ironic or just committed to the bit.

Troy:Wait, are you being ironic right now?

Abed:I genuinely don't know anymore.

Shirley:My boys are gonna make us breakfast tomorrow morning.

Shirley:I'll wake up at 5 AM, prep all the ingredients, guide them through each step, clean up after their mess, and plate everything beautifully.

Shirley:Then they'll carry it to the table and everyone will say 'Oh, the boys made breakfast!'

Jeff:You're like the fun police.

Britta:Well, you're under arrest for crimes against enjoyment. You have the right to remain fun. Anything fun you say can and will be used against you in the court of cool. You're looking at hard time in the prison of lame.

Abed:You realize you're both stuck in a 'will they, won't they' narrative arc that the show's format requires, but the fundamental incompatibility of your characters means it can never actually resolve without destroying the dynamic that makes it work.

Abed:So congratulations, you're trapped in television purgatory. At least the lighting is good.

Troy:Who's Han Solo?

Jeff:I'm not having this conversation right now.

Pierce:Listen, when it comes to women, you gotta treat 'em like a car. You gotta pop the hood, check the fluids, and if something's not working right, you trade it in for a newer model.

Pierce:I've had quite a day.

Britta:Yeah, well your generation had quite a century. You gave us two world wars and the Great Depression.

Dean Pelton:I heard that.

Dean:Remember, paintball is a sport of honor and strategy. That means no shooting people who are actively sneezing, no aiming for the groin unless they've specifically consented, and absolutely no using paintballs filled with actual paint thinner as a 'joke.'

Dean:Also, if someone yells 'I'm out,' they're out. Even if they're lying. Especially if they're lying about being transgender to gain a tactical advantage.

Dean:And Dean Pelton is not a valid target, because I'm the Dean, and I make the rules. Which I just did.

Dean Pelton:The prize was stolen, so now it's 'to be determined'.

Troy:What is the TBD prize? I need to know what I'm competing for.

Pierce:TBD? Oh, I remember TBD. It was a breakfast cereal back in the '70s. Terrible stuff. Gave me the runs for a week.

Troy:No, Pierce, TBD means 'To Be Determined.' It's not a product.

Pierce:Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure I have the box somewhere in my study.

Pierce:Wait, what? There's no Britta and Jeff? I've been watching them together all semester.

Pierce:You know what, that's fine. More for me. I'll take both of them.

Jeff:You know what? I'm done. I'm going to sleep in my car.

Abed:You should have seen what happened out there. Paintball does something to people. It turns them into savages. I saw things... things that would make you question your faith in humanity.

Jeff:Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not really a game person.

Leonard:No one can escape.

Abed:I'll be back.

Abed:But first, I need to paint you.

Troy:We lost a good man out there. Jeff Winger was the best of us. He taught us what it meant to be a soldier, to stand together as one unit.

Jeff:What's the prize?

Abed:Paintball guns.

Jeff:Priority registration? That means I get to sign up for classes before everyone else!

Abed:Hey, buddy.

Jeff:I need priority registration. I NEED it.

Troy:Whoa, Jeff, you're scaring me. Step away from the registration table.

Jeff:You don't understand, Troy. You don't understand what it's like.

Troy:Yes I do. I've seen this before. My cousin had priority registration. Now he's taking remedial classes at a community college.

Jeff:That's not going to be me.

Troy:That's what he said.

Abed:The Glee club? They're using their music skills as warfare tactics.

Jeff:That's actually brilliant. They harmonize, we're all distracted, they attack.

Abed:It's a valid strategy. Emotional vulnerability followed by physical aggression.

Jeff:Look, I don't care what Glee club does. We're not stooping to their level with cheap tricks and manipulation.

Troy:But Jeff, they're already—

Jeff:No. We do this with integrity and talent.

Troy:What if they just... told you that you have really nice skin?

Jeff:...When do we start?

Jeff:So what's going on with the girls?

Abed:You mean Britta? Because that's who you're always asking about.

Annie:Wait, you can't just take my queen like that!

Chess Club Member:Check mate.

Annie:You want to mess with the chess club? That's a bold gambit. And trust me, I will sacrifice you without hesitation.

Annie:You want to see ruthless? I will destroy your drama club. I will sabotage every single production. I will spread rumors about the lead actor's method acting being just regular acting. I will make sure the spotlight literally never finds you again. And I'll do it all with genuine emotion.

Pierce:I don't need bathroom breaks. My body is a finely tuned machine.

Jeff:Right, because you're always so clean and fresh.

Pierce:Exactly.

Jeff:I was being sarcastic. I'm implying you wear diapers.

Star-Burns:Look, here's the thing. We're in a bathroom. You're in a bathroom. This is happening in a bathroom.

Star-Burns:Strategically speaking, we both have access to soap. That's our leverage.

Troy:You thinking what I'm thinking?

Pierce:If you're thinking about how the government is using chemtrails to suppress our spiritual awakening, then yes.

Troy:No, I was thinking about tacos.

Troy:I'm not a representative. I'm a warrior.

Pierce:See? God agrees with me. That lightning bolt was a sign.

Troy:That's just weather, Pierce.

Pierce:Weather? Troy, the almighty just literally threw a lightning bolt. He's taking sides. And guess whose side He's on?

Glee Club:♪ Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling ♪

Troy:Journey? Really? You're gonna lure people with Journey?

Glee Club:It works!

Troy:No it doesn't. 'Don't Stop Believin'' is the most predictable song choice ever. If I heard that right now, I'd run the other way.

Glee Club:♪ Don't stop believing ♪

Troy:Okay, I'm leaving.

Pierce:You can't tell me what to do! I'm coming over there, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

Troy:Your choreography is uninspired and your vocal harmonies lack emotional authenticity!

Britta:Oh, so now you're being generous? That's so like you, Jeff. Making a big show of it so everyone thinks you're some kind of good person. Classic performative kindness.

Troy:I'm bringing back disco!

Abed:You're really committed to this.

Troy:You know how I know it's working? I just won the paintball game.

Shirley:I can't do this anymore. I'm done.

Britta:Wait, what? You're giving up?

Shirley:I have to. There's no way I can win this.

Britta:Come on, let me help you. We can do this together.

Shirley:You really think so?

Britta:I know so. Now let's go eliminate her.

Britta:I'm just being honest. I'm doing this for me.

Shirley:Well, at least you're not pretending anymore.

Jeff:I'm out. I'm done. I've been eliminated.

Britta:Jeff, you're not eliminated. You're just bleeding.

Jeff:Wait, what? I'm bleeding?

Abed:Yeah man, you got hit in the shoulder. You're still in.

Jeff:So I'm not out?

Annie:No, you're still playing. You just need to keep going.

Jeff:Well, that changes things.

Chang:I'm offering to help end this game.

Chang:Look, I know I'm a paintball tryhard. I get it. But that's who I am.

Jeff:You know, Britta, I have to say... the way you're taking care of me right now is kind of turning me on.

Britta:Jeff, you have a concussion.

Jeff:I know. But you're still hot.

Jeff:You know what? I feel it too. This tension between us is... undeniable.

Britta:Oh my god, yes. It's like the air itself is—

Jeff:Crackling with electricity.

Britta:Exactly! I can barely—

Jeff:*makes exaggerated sparking sound* Psshhhhewwww!

Britta:*makes whooshing sound* Whooooosh!

Jeff:This is the most sexual the air has ever been.

Jeff:So... that was like something out of a porn magazine.

Britta:Jeff, I'm worried you're only helping people to feel good about yourself.

Jeff:That's ridiculous. I help people because it's the right thing to do. The fact that it makes me feel amazing about myself is completely separate.

Britta:You know what? You're really good at that thing where you pretend to care about what I'm saying while actually just thinking about yourself.

Jeff:You're not mature, Britta. You're just old.

Britta:At least I don't need a spray tan to feel like a person.

Jeff:That's not a spray tan, that's just how I look when I'm near you.

Britta:That's either a compliment or a cry for help, and honestly, I can't tell anymore.

Jeff:This isn't a paintball gun, Britta. It's a metaphorical extension of my id, projecting aggressive impulses onto a canvas of societal expectation.

Britta:It's literally just a paintball gun.

Jeff:That's what someone with no understanding of post-modern weaponry would say.

Chang:I've enrolled in Introduction to Biology!

Chang:You see, the whole thing was a setup. There was no prize, no contest, nothing. I made it all up just to see your faces. But here's the real prize...

Dean Pelton:It plays DVDs! It also plays CDs. And it has an SD card slot. It's got a clock radio. It's got a weather display. It's got—

Jeff:So... that didn't happen.

Britta:Nope. Didn't happen.

Jeff:We didn't do anything.

Britta:Nothing happened between us.

Jeff:But if it HAD happened, it would've been—

Britta:—terrible. Absolutely terrible.

Jeff:The worst.

Britta:So glad it didn't happen.

Abed:Something's different.

Jeff:You're crazy, Abed.

Abed:No, I'm serious. Something's different.

Jeff:That's what crazy Abed would say.

Pierce:You know what might feel different? I've been experimenting with a new body wash. It's got activated charcoal and... well, let's just say it really gets into all the nooks and crannies. I mean ALL of them. I spent forty-five minutes in the shower yesterday just exploring.

Jeff:Shirley, I'm going to get you priority registration.

Shirley:How are you going to do that?

Jeff:I'm going to say you have a disability.

Shirley:What? No!

Jeff:Don't worry, I have an elaborate cover story. You're going to need a cane, a seeing-eye dog, and you're going to have to pretend to have a stutter for three weeks.

Troy:Hey Abed, it's Troy. I just wanted to call and see if you wanted to grab some lunch later today. Maybe we could hit up that sandwich place you like. Let me know, buddy. Call me back when you get a chance.

Automated System:To save this message, press 1. To delete this message, press 2. To replay this message, press 3.

Troy:Hey Abed, it's me. I'm just calling to say... I don't know, I guess I'm just your girlfriend now or something.

Abed:Troy, you called me on purpose to tell me that?

Troy:No, I was leaving a voicemail!

Troy:Hey, uh, this is Troy. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm... I'm not here. So leave a message and I'll call you back. Or don't. It's up to you. I'm not the boss of you. Although, if I was, things would be different. Better, probably. I'd have a strict no-pants-after-6-PM policy in the office. Wait, there wouldn't be an office because I'd make everyone work from home. Actually, no, I'd make everyone work from my home. Which is also their home now. We'd all just live together. Like a big happy family. Except we wouldn't be related. Or would we? I don't know. Anyway, you can reach my cell at—

Abed:You should probably just say your number.