Advanced Dungeons & Dragons

Narrator:In a land of great peril, a hero arose. A man of uncommon valor and strength. A man chosen by fate itself to save his people from the darkness that threatened to consume them all.

Narrator:His name was Butt Scratch.

Narrator:In a fantasy world, every hero has an epic epithet. Aragorn the Ranger. Gandalf the Grey. And Jeff Winger...

Narrator:Jeff Winger the Liar with Abandonment Issues.

Narrator:Pierce Hawthorne, also known as Pierce 'The Pierceinator' Hawthorne, Pierce 'That Guy' Hawthorne, and Pierce 'Piece of...' Hawthorne.

Narrator:The group huddled together, forming a secret plan to help Neil.

Chang:I was standing right here the whole time.

Narrator:No one said anything. They were all too uncomfortable to acknowledge that Chang had been silently present the entire time.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just call him 'Fat Neil'? That's a hate crime.

Troy:Elves are cool. Nerds are not cool. There's a difference.

Neil:Why do you suddenly want to play D&D?

Annie:Well, I've been reading about it, and I think it's really intellectually stimulating. Plus, I heard that the thief class is, um, very sneaky and can do a lot of... stabbing? With knives? Is that right?

Neil:...Yes.

Annie:Cool. Also, what's a d12?

Abed:This is a role-playing game. We're playing in our imaginations.

Jeff:Where are the pieces? The board? I thought we were playing Settlers of Catan.

Shirley:I'd like to introduce you to my character, Hector the Magnificently Vicious.

Shirley:Yeah, I'm not good with names.

Troy:Wait, you're bad at names? Jeff, you named me Troy.

Jeff:That's your name.

Troy:Exactly! You had one job!

Shirley:My character's name is Fancypants McBoujee, and she's fancy and bougie.

Britta:Oh my God, what is this? 'Troy Barnes, Dark Elf Rogue'? That's... that's just wrong.

Abed:That's your character.

Britta:No, I mean the name. Who writes 'Dark Elf Rogue' for Troy? He's clearly a Paladin at best.

Abed:I specifically designed that character for Troy.

Abed:I made a female character for you.

Troy:Oh... okay.

Abed:She's very attractive.

Troy:Right... um... why would you do that?

Abed:I thought you'd like her.

Troy:I... I see what's happening here.

Troy:Annie, that introduction was way too long. Here, let me show you how it's done. Hi, I'm Troy Barnes, I'm from Atlanta, my favorite color is blue, I have a cat named Mittens, I once got stuck in a air vent, I'm afraid of ghosts, and I think peanut butter is overrated.

Annie:That's the same thing!

Troy:No it's not—

Jeff:Your fly is down.

Troy:What? No it's not.

Shirley:It definitely is, baby.

Troy:See? This is exactly why my introduction was better. I controlled the narrative. I told you about the air vent before you could use it against me.

Britta:Wait, wait, wait. Are we sure these goblins are actually the problem here? I mean, what are their socioeconomic circumstances? Have we considered that maybe they're just lashing out because of systemic oppression?

Jeff:Britta, they're literally eating us.

Britta:That doesn't mean we can't empathize with their plight.

Britta:The goblin attack is clearly a manifestation of our collective anxiety about mortality and social hierarchies.

Jeff:Or maybe it's just a goblin attack. You know what you are, Britta? You're a middle manager. You take something simple, complicate it, and then act like you're the only one smart enough to understand it. You're not deep. You're just difficult.

Troy:I'm a magician.

Abed:Magic user.

Troy:What?

Jeff:I've been practicing my knife-throwing. I'm actually getting pretty good at it.

Troy:That's cool. At least you're good at something that lasts more than thirty seconds.

Annie:Thank you so much, Neil! You saved us! You're amazing!

Jeff:Annie, come on. We can all see what you're doing here.

Pierce:Dungeons and Dragons? What is this, some kind of gay thing?

Pierce:Because I'm not interested in playing dress-up games with a bunch of nerds.

Pierce:And I'm definitely not interested in any of the... fantasy elements.

Pierce:Neil, you're so fat you're stretching out that chair. That's why it doesn't fit anyone else.

Abed:Pierce, you're up. Give us your character introduction.

Pierce:I am Pierce Hawthorne, a man of 60 years old with the strength of a young buck and the wisdom of—

Abed:You're 65.

Pierce:I know how old I am!

Abed:Pierce will die of exposure in 13 turns.

Jeff:I can live with that.

Neil:Please, that sword took me 10 years and 50 campaigns to get.

Pierce:Well that's too bad, because I'm going to melt it down and use it to make a throne for my cat. And then I'm going to tell everyone it was your idea.

Pierce:You want to know what I did with that sword? I used it to stir a bucket of my own excrement.

Abed:Pierce has unlocked a new attack pattern. Damage multiplier increased by 40 percent. Bleeds now stack infinitely.

Pierce:Jeff treats me like I'm invisible! Like I'm not even worth his time. He walks past me in the hallway without so much as a nod. Do you know what that does to a man? Do you?

Pierce:And then he has the audacity to laugh at my jokes. Not WITH me, but AT me. Like I'm some kind of court jester here to entertain his precious study group.

Pierce:You know what? I bet he's been telling people I'm not man enough. That I can't satisfy a woman. That my... that my masculine prowess is somehow lacking.

Pierce:I've forgotten more about pleasing women than Jeff will ever know! My second wife said I was like a young buck, full of vigor and—and stamina!

Abed:Pegasus.

Jeff:What? No. We're not doing this.

Narrator:When you travel, you encounter new cultures, new foods, new people...

Chang:And sometimes those people are Asian!

Narrator:Yes, well, as I was saying, travel broadens the mind—

Chang:I'm also Asian. Did you know that?

Troy:Dude, I think he's a pirate.

Abed:He's not a pirate, Troy. He's a gnome. He's speaking gnome.

Abed as Gnome:Your wishes are my command, m'lady. I live but to serve.

Annie:Okay, this is making me really uncomfortable.

Abed as Gnome:Is something wrong? I am merely a lowly gnome, unworthy of—

Annie:No, I know, but like, why does there have to be a whole racial hierarchy? Why can't we just play a game where everyone's equal?

Neil:I brought my complete Dungeons & Dragons collection! All seventeen boxes.

Neil:My doctor says I have a herniated disc, so I can only carry ten pounds at a time. I'm gonna need to make about... *counts on fingers* ...forty-three trips.

Abed:Hey. I'm Jeff Winger. I have a law degree and a very specific set of skills. I can help you with your... elven problems. In exchange, you help me get to Pegasus.

Elf Maiden:That's not very romantic.

Abed:It's efficient. Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't actually care about your backstory, your hopes, or your dreams. I need something from you, you need something from me. That's a transaction, not a relationship. So what do you say?

Abed as Elf:Your eyes sparkle like starlight in the forest glade.

Jeff:Okay, okay, hold on. This is getting weird. Can we stop?

Abed as Elf:But our adventure has only just begun...

Jeff:Yeah, no, I'm done. This whole thing is too uncomfortable. I'm out.

Troy:Okay, okay, I got this. Hey baby, you into roleplay? Because I'm thinking we do a little... interrogation scenario. I'm a detective, you're a suspect, and things get really heated in the precinct.

Troy:Wait, wait, I'm not done. Then we move to the handcuffs — real ones, I have access to those. And then... then we incorporate the study table somehow.

Troy:So how long are you supposed to spoon after fantasy sex?

Abed:I don't know, man. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Abed:What do you want to do next in the game?

Pierce:Oh, I'm going to take my time with this one. I'm going to savor every moment. When you least expect it, when you've let your guard down and you think everything is fine, that's when I'll strike. And you'll never see it coming.

Neil:Kyle? Your name was Kyle? I never even got to know you.

Neil:Rest in peace, little buddy.

Britta:It's not even a real gnome, Neil.

Neil:That doesn't make it hurt any less!

Pierce:What's the capital of Narnia?

Abed:Cair Paravel.

Pierce:Okay, what about the Kingdom of Krynn?

Abed:Palanthas.

Pierce:Ha! I made that up.

Abed:No, you didn't.

Pierce:Dragon, you must declare me as your master!

Abed:I am bound to serve you, Pierce. You are my master.

Pierce:Say it like you mean it! Like it's a sexual fantasy!

Abed:Pierce is my master... and I desire only to please him.

Shirley:I wish we'd just played Candyland or something.

Pierce:Look at you, you're like a big ol' bowl of mashed potatoes.

Pierce:No wait, a baked potato. A baked potato bar.

Pierce:You're the Olive Garden of potatoes.

Neil:Pierce, please stop.

Pierce:Oh come on, it's funny. You're like a gravy boat, but the gravy is... you.

Jeff:Okay, okay, I have a solution. We just need to find someone fatter than Neil.

Britta:Jeff, that's not a solution, that's just passing the problem to someone else.

Jeff:Exactly. It's called 'redirecting the cruelty.' It's what I do best.

Jeff:We could call him Skinny Neil.

Jeff:Or Tall Neil, or Neil with the Limp, or Gay Neil...

Jeff:I'm not saying we should, I'm just saying we could.

Jeff:I'm colorblind.

Britta:No, you're not.

Jeff:I know. I just wanted to see how it felt to say something that dumb.

Pierce:You know what? I'm going to burn your house down with you still in it.

Pierce:Then I'm going to go to your funeral and tell everyone you were a loser.

Pierce:And I'm going to spit on your coffin.

Neil:...Pierce, that's horrible.

Pierce:Yeah, well, you should see what I said to the mailman yesterday.

Troy:Hey, come on everyone. Pierce is dealing with real stuff.

Neil:Yeah, I mean, his father basically abandoned him.

Troy:Exactly. All that racist stuff and the weird comments? That's just how he copes.

Neil:It doesn't make it okay, but... it makes sense now.

Neil:Eighteen or higher... Come on, baby...

Neil:EIGHTEEN!

Abed:The freed dragon immediately turns on Pierce and eats him.

Neil:Thank you for including me in the game. I really appreciate it.

Jeff:Of course, Neil. You're part of the group.

Neil:Well, maybe next time I could be the dungeon master.

Narrator:And so Pierce Hawthorne, who had spent the entire semester as an obstacle to the group's noble quest, was somehow credited with saving Neil Neil. He accepted the accolades with characteristic obliviousness.

Pierce:I have no idea what just happened, but I'm taking this trophy.

Narrator:And he learned absolutely nothing.

Troy:So you're saying if you could have any body modification, you'd choose giant ears?

Abed:Think about it. Giant ears would be practical. You could use them as a blanket in winter, a fan in summer, and they'd work great for blocking out sound when you need to sleep.

Troy:That's... actually kind of genius.

Abed:Plus, fashion applications. Enormous ear gauges. Ear scarves. The possibilities are endless.

Troy:But backpacks already free up your hands.