Advanced Gay

Troy:I just used the manacheck maneuver to fix it.

Plumber:Look, Troy, I know you think plumbing is just pipes and toilets, but it's so much more than that. It's a craft. It's a calling. I want you to come work with me. Let me show you the ropes, teach you everything I know. We could be great together.

Troy:Uh... I think there's been a misunderstanding here.

Plumber:No misunderstanding. I see potential in you, Troy. Real potential. Come on, just give me a chance. We'll work nights, weekends, whatever it takes. I'm willing to go deep for this.

Jerry:This is making me uncomfortable.

Pierce:At your cervix.

Pierce:Wait, I didn't mean it that way. Let me rephrase...

Pierce:Actually, you know what? That's exactly what I meant. Here, let me say it again even more offensive.

Pierce:I thought they were just really good friends who happened to live together, share a bed, and were constantly touching each other. You know, like roommates do.

Pierce:Or maybe they were European. Europeans are very affectionate.

Pierce:Could've been a medical thing. Some people need to be held to regulate their body temperature.

Pierce:So let me get this straight... or not straight, I guess. Being gay is a choice?

Pierce:I'm gonna sue!

Jeff:That's not what 'sue' means.

Pierce:I'm not trying to be funny here. I want to make sure my will is airtight.

Pierce:When I die, I want everything to go smoothly.

Group:That's... that's what she said.

Pierce:Why does everything have to be about sex? I'm just trying to have a normal conversation here.

Pierce:I mean, I'm going deep, I'm really going in hard on this topic, and all you people can do is make it dirty.

Shirley:You know, I think what you're doing is beautiful. It takes real courage to express yourself like that.

Shirley:Though I gotta say, honey, those seams are not holding up. You're gonna need a serger and a much better thread tension, or you're gonna have a wardrobe malfunction that's gonna be a lot more revealing than you planned.

Shirley:I don't believe in the homosexual lifestyle, but I will say this: those gay hairstylists? They are miracles from the Lord.

Shirley:That's so gay!

Shirley:I mean... happy. I meant it makes me happy. Because gay means happy, right? From the old days?

Abed:Pierce's behavior change can only be explained by Inspector Spacetime pseudoscience. He's clearly been exposed to temporal radiation, which is causing him to regress mentally while simultaneously believing he's becoming more enlightened.

Troy:Wait, so the anti-Inspector is like... the evil version?

Abed:Exactly. He's everything the Inspector stands against.

Troy:But doesn't he have that thing where he, like, eats people's faces?

Abed:That's not canonical.

Troy:Well, it's disturbing either way.

Troy:The positron theory doesn't make any sense.

Abed:Actually, it's a fundamental part of Inspector Spacetime lore. Commander Blast established it in the Season 3 episode 'Temporal Mechanics and Breakfast Cereals.'

Troy:I don't remember that episode.

Abed:Of course you don't. It featured Commander Blast's third cousin, Ensign Flick, who appeared in exactly one scene with no dialogue.

Pierce:They're Pride Wipes. They clean up gayness.

Pierce:One wipe removes up to 50% of the gay.

Annie:Unfortunate name that sounds like hate crime

Jeff:Pierce, your motives are transparent. You're just pandering to seem relatable.

Pierce:That's ridiculous. I'm genuinely trying to connect with the group.

Jeff:Oh really? Is that why you showed up to study group in that backwards baseball cap trying to 'rap' about group projects?

Britta:That's a real edible complex you've got there.

Jeff:I have a condition where I'm allergic to being wrong. It's called Correctness Proximity Syndrome. Very rare. Very serious.

Pierce:We should get rainbow cookies! You know, with all the colors of the rainbow?

Annie:Pierce, there are only three types of cookies at the store: chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and sugar cookies.

Jerry:Wow, that's impressive work, Troy. You really know your way around pipes.

Jerry:Now get the hell out of my house!

Pierce:Oh, I get it now. You guys and the Chicago Bears fans, you're basically the same thing. You both love bears, you both have your own culture, your own way of dressing...

Pierce:I bet you guys go to all the games at Soldier Field too, huh?

Pierce:Dad? What are you doing here?

Cornelius:I've come to reconcile with you, son.

Pierce:Really? After all these years?

Cornelius:Yes. And I want you to know I've always been proud of you, Pierce Hawthorne.

Pierce:You... you called me by my full name.

Cornelius:Of course. Pierce Anastasia Hawthorne.

Vice Dean Laybourne:The AC repair school must remain secret. We can't have everyone knowing about it.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Black Hitler.

Jeff:So your dad is... how old?

Pierce:He's 81.

Jeff:And you're 65?

Pierce:Yes.

Jeff:So when you were born, he was 16. Which means he had you when he was 16, which means... he had sex when he was 15.

Pierce:Jeff!

Jeff:I'm just doing the math.

Cornelius:You know what, Jeff? I don't like you. It's got nothing to do with you being a lawyer or whatever. It's because you're... well, you're not Nordic enough.

Jeff:What? What does that even mean?

Cornelius:I'm talking about your cheekbones, your bone structure in general. And don't get me started on your relationship with fermented fish. You probably don't even know how to properly pronounce 'Søren.' Your ancestry is probably diluted with too much Mediterranean. Weak Viking genes. And those shoes? Those are not shoes a true Scandinavian would wear. Your whole presence screams 'non-Nordic sphere of influence.'

Shirley:You know what? That's actually impressive. You've got more racial slurs memorized than Abed's got pop culture references.

Shirley:I can tolerate a lot of things, but racism? That I cannot abide.

Annie:Wait, so you're saying you CAN tolerate racism?

Shirley:No, I just said—

Annie:Oh my God, Shirley!

Pierce:Oh, that's great, Jeff. Real progressive. You know what? I'm not homophobic. I have a gay friend. Well, had. He got upset when I told him that being gay was a choice, and that he chose wrong.

Britta:Still using 'edible' instead of 'Oedipal'

Britta:Did your dad talk to your mom that way?

Jeff:Your mom.

Crowd:Pierce! Pierce! Pierce!

Pierce:Oh my God, I feel like a celebrity!

Troy:You are a celebrity. You're rich and old.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Troy, welcome to the perfect temperature room. It maintains an ideal 72 degrees at all times.

Troy:Wow, this is amazing! But wait... isn't this just a regular room?

Vice Dean Laybourne:Exactly. It's a room. At room temperature. We took the concept literally.

Vice Dean Laybourne:They're not just air conditioning repairmen. They're magnificent, marvelous, monumentally masterful mechanics of meteorological maintenance. They're stupendous, stellar, sagacious specialists in systematic temperature control. They're phenomenal, prodigious, positively preeminent paragons of pneumatic perfection. They're absolutely, undeniably, irrefutably unvincible.

Troy:AC repair school... that's actually pretty practical. But wait, what's the snack situation?

Troy:It's like my eyes are cold but my skin is warm. I don't know where I am anymore.

Troy:This room is at the perfect temperature.

Troy:Not too hot, not too cold... it's like Goldilocks designed it.

Troy:Although I gotta say, my left foot's been asleep for like twenty minutes.

Pierce:Dad! Dad, where are you?! I'm dancing! I'm dancing, Dad! You said I'd never amount to anything, but look at me now! I'm at a gay party and I'm DANCING!

Chang:Why is everybody staring at me? Oh, I get it. I'm the only straight guy here. Well, joke's on you because I'm not even sure what that means anymore.

Troy:You don't understand. At AC repair school, I get to wear a jumpsuit. A JUMPSUIT. With my name on it. Troy. In cursive.

Troy:Plus, we get a 15% discount at Sbarro, and the teacher said I have real potential. He said I'm a natural with my hands.

Troy:And on Fridays, we get to take apart actual air conditioning units and see what's inside. Do you know how cool that is? Literally cool. It's temperature-controlled.

Pierce:You know, I've been thinking about language and how it evolves. Back in my day, we used certain words without thinking twice. But now I realize those words are considered offensive. So I've decided to stop using them... mostly because I can never remember which ones are bad anymore.

Abed:You know, plumbing and AC repair are basically the same thing.

Troy:No they're not! One is pipes and one is... air conditioning! They're completely different things that require different skills and different tools and different... different knowledge!

Abed:But they both involve—

Troy:Don't you dare finish that sentence! What you're saying is illogical and also stupid!

Pierce:I want to say something. You know, I've been part of this group for a while now, and I've seen a lot of things. A lot of growth. A lot of... togetherness. And that's why I have to be honest with you all.

Pierce:This whole thing is terrible. This event, this group, this... everything. I'm denouncing all of it.

Pierce:Psych! I'm fine. I was just seeing if you all actually cared about me. Turns out you do. Well, except for you, Britta.

Jeff:You're like a Major pain in my Nightmare on Elm Street.

Jeff:You know what? I don't care anymore. My father was a bad man, and I'm not going to waste my time being angry about it. Life's too short.

Pierce:Did you know that the African tree frog can change its gender based on environmental stress? I read that somewhere. Probably National Geographic or the back of a cereal box.

Pierce:It's on Wikipedia!

Pierce:Wickerpedia!

Pierce:I did my research on Wackapeediah.

Pierce:My father died under mysterious circumstances. The official report said organ failure, but I've always suspected the black market was involved. Either way, I got two of his kidneys in the will.

Pierce:Jeff, I'm leaving you something in my will.

Jeff:Pierce, that's very generous, but you're not going anywhere.

Pierce:I know, but I want you to have it anyway. It's my inheritance.

Jeff:What is it?

Pierce:Well, the will says if you murder me, you get everything.

Pierce:I'm going to live forever!

Pierce:Also, suck it, death.

Vice Dean Laybourne:So Troy, you've narrowed it down between air conditioning repair and plumbing?

Troy:Actually, I've decided to reject both of those paths.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Oh? And why is that?

Troy:Because they both sound like poop jobs.

Chang:That's so gay.

Annie:What are you two doing?

Troy:Shut up and sit down!

Abed:Shut up and sit down!

Troy:The temporal mechanics of this paradox require us to utilize the quantum entanglement of—wait, I'm doing it wrong, aren't I?

Abed:Yeah, you're doing it very wrong.

Troy:I was trying to sound like you!

Abed:I know. That's why it was wrong.