Studies in Modern Movement

Jeff:I'm glad you're getting out of that neighborhood, Annie.

Annie:Yeah, well, last week someone urinated on my car while I was actively parking.

Annie:Oh, you mean Spaghetti? Yeah, he pees on cars.

Jeff:I dodged a bullet.

Abed:How did you dodge an actual bullet?

Jeff:No, I mean I dodged a bullet metaphorically.

Abed:Oh, friendship.

Shirley:Oh, shut your mouth!

Annie:I just don't think I could ever hate any of you guys. I mean, we're roommates. We're basically family.

Britta:That's because you're young. Wait until you've lived with someone for a few years. You'll hate them. You'll hate them so much.

Annie:I don't think that will happen with us.

Britta:Oh, sweetie. Give it time.

Annie:That's completely unacceptable.

Britta:Wait, is it though?

Troy:We're here to help you move these boxes.

Abed:Yeah, we got you.

Troy:Ready? And five, six, seven, eight!

Abed:Wait, what are we—

Troy:We're dancing!

Troy:Abed, we're moving the couch. This is historic.

Abed:#CouchMovement2013

Troy:Wait, you're live-tweeting this?

Abed:Already got three retweets. This is trending in our apartment.

Jeff:Yeah, I should have known it was a handicap space. There was a guy in a wheelchair yelling at me.

Britta:Oh sure, because wheelchair users are always yelling about parking spaces for their own personal gain.

Britta:You're not even sick! You just wanted to get out of studying. I can tell because you're wearing that expensive sweater from that store you said you'd never shop at again after they wouldn't give you a discount!

Jeff:That's not true.

Britta:Oh yeah? Then explain the tags still on it.

Jeff:You're right, you caught me. I'm not actually sick. I'm faking it because I wanted to spend the day alone with you, but I knew you'd never go for that, so I had to fake appendicitis. It's all part of my master plan to slowly manipulate you into falling in love with me by appearing vulnerable and needy.

Britta:See? I knew it!

Jeff:Also, I'm working with the Dean. We're trying to corner the market on fake illnesses so that when a real plague hits, people won't know who to trust.

Jeff:I'm telling you, I'm at the hospital right now.

Britta:No, you're not.

Jeff:Yes, I am. I got caught in some Gap machinery. My arm got tangled in a display of cardigans.

Britta:Jeff, that doesn't even make sense.

Jeff:Well, it happened! I was trying on a medium when I should have grabbed a small, and the motion-activated rotating rack caught my sleeve. Now I'm in the emergency room with a fractured wrist and the doctor says I have to stop being so fashion-forward immediately.

Jeff:So what are you doing after the hospital?

Annie:I don't know, maybe go to the Gap?

Jeff:The Gap? What are you going to do there?

Annie:Try on some clothes.

Jeff:Well, if you need any help with that, I'm available.

Troy:Well, you see, Annie, the tape is like a metaphorical bridge between the box and the void, and when you use all of it, you're essentially creating a temporal paradox that only exists in the space between Wednesday and Thursday.

Abed:That's gold. I'm tweeting that.

Britta:You know what? Men these days are just man-children. They never grow up.

Annie:Britta, you're really bad at comedy.

Annie:I can't live with them, I can't live without them.

Abed:Actually, you can live without us. We're not life support.

Troy:Yeah, we're more like... a really inconvenient habit.

Britta:So there was this girl, right? And she went to Auschwitz...

Britta:...and she did mushrooms.

Britta:So I met this guy at a party, and he was really into experimental drugs...

Annie:Oh my God, is this one of your exes?

Annie:Okay, I'm going to be more relaxed. Just go with the flow, you know? No more overthinking everything.

Annie:Wait, did you say 'go with the flow' or 'go with the flow'? Because one has an implied acceptance of ambiguity, and the other is just... semantically lazy.

Annie:And another thing—there should be a comma after 'you know,' not a question mark, because it's not actually interrogative, it's just a colloquialism, and—

Annie:I'm totally chill. Like, fo' shizzle my nizzle.

Annie:We need to fix that outlet! It's a... a... outlet-y!

Troy:I mean, how bad could it be? It's just drywall.

Abed:#JustDrywallThings

Pierce:Don't worry, I'll fix it. I've been managing properties for years.

Pierce:Back when I was a slumlord, we didn't have time for maintenance. Just collect the rent and move on.

Pierce:By 5 PM? Well, we're movin' on up, to the east side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky!

Shirley:I'm worried about you all living together like this. You know what happened on Friends? They all ended up in complicated relationships, they had that whole thing with Ross and Rachel, and Monica had to organize everything!

Shirley:So what I'm saying is, one of you needs to be the Monica, one of you needs to be the Rachel, and somebody's gonna have to sleep with their brother.

Britta:I'll be the group's moral compass. Turns out I don't have one, so this should be fun.

Dean Pelton:This is just like that romantic movie where two people meet by chance and fall in love.

Dean Pelton:I haven't actually seen it though, because even I have standards.

Dean Pelton:When I'm off campus, just call me Craig.

Jeff:Why would I do that?

Dean Pelton:Because that's my real name. I'm a Craigular guy.

Shirley:Religious persecution? Britta, I'm not persecuting your religion. I'm persecuting YOU. There's a difference.

Shirley:No, it's because he's scary and we should definitely not help him.

Britta:Oh my god, he's going all the way to Portland? That's like eight hours away!

Britta:But you know what? I'm going to do it anyway because I'm an awesome person and I help people.

Hitchhiker:Thank you so much for picking me up. God bless you.

Hitchhiker:Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Hitchhiker:Because if you haven't, you're going to Hell, and I don't want that for you.

Britta:Yeah, so... this is awkward.

Troy:If the room's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.

Abed:Actually, you should probably come knockin'. There's a gas leak.

Annie:Wait, is this really a two-bedroom apartment?

Abed:Your room is blankets.

Abed:A blanket fort isn't just a place, it's a lifestyle. It's a philosophy. You're not running from the world, you're creating your own world where the only rule is comfort. And in that world, everything from birthday parties to funerals happens naturally. Death? That's just another blanket fort occasion.

Annie:Wait, you guys haven't built a blanket fort yet? I thought that's what you'd do first!

Troy:Actually, we have plans. We're gonna use your bedroom as our TV room.

Abed:We're calling it 'Fort Blanket.'

Abed:What's a linen closet?

Waiter:I'm sorry, what would you like to order?

Abed:I don't know, what do you have?

Waiter:Well, we have our specials today...

Jeff:That's blackmail.

Dean Pelton:It's not blackmail, it's... leverage.

Shirley:Well, that's... that's wonderful. I mean, I'm happy for you, I really am. But you understand why I might be a little skeptical, right? I mean, no offense, but you look more like you need a shower than you need followers.

Jesus:Hi, I'm Jesus Christ.

Shirley:Oh my God!

Jesus:Actually, that's my dad.

Britta:So Jesus, what's your stance on marijuana legalization?

Jesus:I'm totally cool with it. In fact, I think all drugs should be legal.

Britta:See? I knew you'd say that.

Troy:And in this fairy tale, Abed is an emotionally unavailable unicorn.

Troy:You know what Activia commercials are? They're just women talking about their digestive systems. That's it. That's the whole commercial. A woman goes, 'I couldn't go to the bathroom, but then I ate this yogurt and now I'm pooping regularly.' Congratulations on your regular bowel movements, Karen. Want a medal?

Shirley:Wait, who is that singing with us?

Jesus:I'm Jesus. I just wanted to join in on the communion song.

Shirley:That's... that's not what communion is about.

Jesus:No? Because I've been telling people to take this body, take this blood, turn it into whatever they want...

Dean Pelton:I read your private emails to your therapist.

Jeff Winger:What? Why would you do that?

Dean Pelton:Because I care about you, Jeffrey. And frankly, some of your sessions are hilarious.

Jesus:I could sing a song about race-mixing.

Britta:No.

Jeff Winger:Dean, you can't just read students' emails.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, in a post-9/11 world, I have to consider every email a potential threat. Last week, Shirley wrote 'I'm bringing brownies to the study group.' Brownies? That could be code.

Jeff Winger:That's insane.

Dean Pelton:Is it? Or is it *necessary*?

Jeff:You invaded my privacy! You went through my files!

Dean Pelton:Well, if you're going to get this angry about it, then the terrorists have already won.

Abed:And this is the second bedroom. Or as I like to call it, my imagination playroom.

Annie:Your imagination playroom?

Abed:It's a safe space for adults to explore their inner child without judgment or responsibility.

Annie:Abed, there's nothing in here.

Abed:Exactly. The possibilities are infinite.

Annie:I am so tired of jumping through hoops around here!

Jeff:Annie, there are literally hoops in the bathroom.

Annie:I know! That's what I'm talking about!

Annie:You have to choose. It's either me or the dreamatorium.

Troy:Well, actually, according to Lease Amendment 7, subsection C, written in crayon and signed by both of us, the dreamatorium is a protected space.

Abed:We could film it in the Dreamatorium. It's versatile. We did a whole courtroom drama in there last week.

Troy:You did?

Abed:No, but we could.

Pierce:There, there. Want me to read you a bedtime story?

Troy:Pierce, I'm 19 years old. I don't need a bedtime story.

Pierce:Okay, fine. Want to play with my trains?

Troy:No! I want Annie to come back!

Pierce:I was walking through the parking lot, and these island girls came up to me. They said they wanted to show me their culture. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a dumpster behind the Food Court with a concussion and what I'm pretty sure is a tattoo of a mai tai on my shoulder.

Pierce:How long was I out?

Jeff:Three days.

Pierce:Three days? That's like... 21 Matlock episodes!

Pierce:You know, back in my day, we shared files the old-fashioned way.

Pierce:We used Napster.

Pierce:My shoulder's been killing me. I can't be held responsible for anything I say or do.

Abed:I'm sorry for my behavior. I know I can be difficult sometimes.

Abed:It's just that my mind works differently. Like, imagine a TV show, but the laugh track is playing at random intervals, and all the characters are actors within actors, and there's a meta-commentary running on a ticker at the bottom of the screen constantly analyzing whether the meta-commentary itself is meta enough.

Abed:Plus, there are three separate timelines playing simultaneously, but only I can see them, and one of them is a stop-motion animation, and another is shot in the style of a Wong Kar-wai film, but everything's also somehow a reference to something that hasn't been made yet, and my thoughts come with DVD commentary that I can't turn off.

Abed:So yeah. That's just how it is up here.

Annie:Okay, I'm going to be more laid-back about the room. Whatever works for you guys.

Annie:But these pillows need to be arranged by thread count, and they should be fluffed in a counter-clockwise motion.

Troy:Annie, can you help me with something? I need to iron my shirt.

Annie:Of course! Do you know how to use an iron?

Troy:Yeah, yeah, I got this. You just... turn it on and... wait, which end do I use?

Annie:Troy, the flat part. The flat part goes on the shirt.

Troy:Oh. So you don't, like, rub it like a magic lamp?

Abed:How do you get Kool-aid stains out?

Troy:You use more Kool-aid. It cancels out.

Abed:That's not how stains work.

Troy:Not with that attitude.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, I noticed you have exactly seventeen pictures of yourself on your mantle. That's not vanity—that's a cry for help. Also, your apartment smells like cologne and broken dreams.

Abed:We've been playing a lot of paintball lately.

Annie:Yeah, and I think I have a concussion.

Abed:That's just your brain getting better at paintball.

Annie:That's not how concussions work.

Abed:Not with that attitude.

Abed:Okay Troy, we're now entering the Gamma Quadrant. Jeff, you're Horsebot 3000.

Troy:Wait, why is Jeff a horse?

Abed:Because he's majestic and vain.

Jeff:I'm not doing this.

Troy:Come on Jeff, just go with it!

Abed:Horsebot 3000, we need you to calculate our trajectory using your equine instincts.

Troy:Wait, I found his weak spot!

Troy:It's his... belly button. He's extremely ticklish.

Jeff:You know what? I actually had fun.