Paranormal Parentage

Shirley:Oh Jeff, that's such a... ham costume!

Jeff:Did you just call me ham?

Shirley:I was going to say handsome! Ham-handsome? No, that's not... I meant you look very... ham.

Jeff:It's not a 'sexy nurse,' Shirley. It's a nurse who is sexy. There's a difference.

Jeff:One is a profession, the other is a lazy costume designed for sex appeal.

Jeff:What? I look like a sexy fireman. You look like a sexy... construction worker. See? We're matching.

Jeff:No, no, no, Annie. A ring girl. You know, like at boxing matches? The attractive woman who walks around with the numbers?

Annie:Oh my god, I thought you meant... I was going to say yes!

Jeff:Yes to what?

Annie:Being your ring girl! I was already mentally preparing myself for the humiliation.

Jeff:That IS what I meant.

Annie:But you just said—

Jeff:I know what I said. I'm just clarifying that it's a legitimate costume. It's not... it's not a stripper thing.

Annie:It's a little bit of a stripper thing.

Jeff:It really isn't.

Annie:I was just trying to help with the costume! I thought you said you needed it by Friday, so I stayed up all night working on it.

Jeff:Annie, I said I needed it by next Friday. That's a week away.

Annie:Oh. Well, now you have options!

Annie:I'm going to be a sexy boxing ring girl. I'll wear the outfit and carry the round number card, and I'll do this thing where I bite my lip and walk slowly around the ring.

Annie:What? I'm being seductive. I researched it. I watched three whole minutes of a boxing match.

Annie:I'm going to smile really big and really make eye contact, because confidence is sexy, and I'll compliment everyone's boxing technique and ask them about their hydration levels.

Britta:You guys should do a couples costume!

Troy:We're not a couple.

Britta:Oh, I know. That's why it would be funny. You two live together, you do everything together, you finish each other's sentences...

Abed:We're just best friends.

Britta:Exactly. Like a couple.

Britta:We're just friends! There's nothing weird going on between me and Troy.

Britta:I mean, we hang out. We do things. We say things. We like things.

Britta:Things, things, things. Just... things.

Abed:Pierce wasn't invited because he's dead. I killed him. I didn't want to, but he kept doing that thing where he leans back in his chair and I just snapped. I wrapped the phone cord around his neck and dragged him into the study. Then I pushed him down the stairs. His body's still there.

Annie:It's a party, Abed. You should be socializing, not watching TV.

Abed:Annie, you ARE a TV show. You're somewhere between a procedural drama and a very special episode.

Troy:Wait, we're doing Cougar Town? I love that show! I watched the Halloween special like three times.

Troy:So... do I need to bring wine? I don't know anything about wine. Is it supposed to be cold? Hot? Do you drink it out of a shoe?

Troy:I'll just bring some Sunny D and call it 'Sun Wine.' That's wine, right? It's got 'wine' in the name!

Troy:Pierce's father passed away, and honestly, this is all Jeff's fault.

Jeff:Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna stop you right there. You do not want to go down this road. Trust me. Once you start trying to psychoanalyze Pierce, there is no coming back. It's like a zombie movie, except the zombie is also your friend, and instead of eating your brain, he's just gonna talk about his various ailments and his ex-wives until your brain eats itself.

Jeff:Pierce is like a sophisticated man-child.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! We got a situation here.

Troy:Jeff, you're in your corner. Annie, you're in your corner.

Troy:Okay, round one... FIGHT!

Troy:And ladies and gentlemen, we need a ring girl! Where's our ring girl?

Britta:Thank you for calling Psychology Hotline. This call may be recorded for quality assurance. If you're having suicidal thoughts, press 1. If you're experiencing anxiety, press 2. If you just need someone to tell you that your problems aren't real and you're being dramatic, stay on the line.

Britta:We're sorry, all our therapists are busy helping people with real problems. Please try your issues again later.

Annie:Pierce has been through a lot. He's dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.

Annie:His father was distant, he's had multiple divorces, he lost his business...

Annie:Wait, when you say it all out loud like that, Pierce's life sounds insane.

Troy:Wait, remember that day during the house tour when we went into the basement?

Abed:February 14th, 2010. You stepped on a nail.

Annie:Pierce, this is serious. We need to talk about what happened.

Pierce:Annie, please. I've forgotten more about life than you'll ever know. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my nap. And stop wearing those cardigans—you look like a librarian's grandmother.

Troy:It's okay Pierce, we all have things we're embarrassed about. I mean, I'm into some weird stuff.

Troy:Like, I enjoy being tied up. But it's all consensual and safe, you know?

Troy:The point is, whatever you're embarrassed about, it's probably not that weird.

Jeff:Pierce, your story doesn't make sense. You said you were in Morocco, but then you mentioned the Eiffel Tower. That's in France.

Pierce:Well, I traveled around.

Jeff:You also said it happened in 1987, but you were in prison in 1987.

Pierce:Different prison.

Jeff:And you claimed you saved the woman's life, but then said she died the next day.

Pierce:I saved her life that day.

Jeff:Pierce, you're a liar, a fraud, and a man whose stories are about as coherent as your life choices—which is to say, not at all.

Pierce:Okay, I was lying.

Pierce:That was awesome.

Britta:Wait, Pierce's father died? That's amazing!

Pierce:What?!

Britta:No, no, I mean — for the ghost story! That's perfect for a ghost story!

Jeff:You guys, there are no ghosts! It's not real!

Jeff:Stop being ridiculous. This is insane.

Jeff:Oh, for the love of... Scooby-Doo!

Annie:I'm not naive! And I'm not wearing some sexy nurse outfit or whatever. That's bullshit.

Jeff:Annie, I know you're upset, but if you just let me explain—

Annie:No, Jeff. I'm done listening to your excuses.

Jeff:Look, you're right. You're always right. I can't even make my own coffee without you.

Jeff:What's really weird about Pierce's situation is that he's like a disabled Peter Pan. He never grew up, he never had to deal with real consequences, and now that his body's finally catching up with his arrested development, he's shocked.

Britta:I think Pierce could really benefit from therapy. I've been reading about transactional analysis and—

Jeff:Britta, you can't practice therapy on Pierce. That's like practicing CPR on a corpse.

Britta:Why not?

Jeff:Because Pierce basically is one. You'd just be going through the motions.

Troy:Rad.

Abed:I find myself at a loss for words.

Jeff:So what you're telling me is we're trapped in Pierce's bedroom, which smells like old money and regret, and the only way out is to solve a riddle that doesn't make sense?

Jeff:How is that different from any other day at Greendale?

Britta:This is a Freudian symbol of paternal authority. The fact that Pierce kept it by his bed suggests deeply repressed feelings about his father's dominance and—

Annie:Pierce's father was a good man!

Jeff:Annie, his father was a racist who made his money in apartheid South Africa. He was bad. He was a bad man.

Jeff:You know what? Talk to the portrait. Maybe his father's wisdom will guide you.

Pierce:You think that'll actually help?

Jeff:Well, it's either that or we wait 20 years for you to wake up like Rip Van Winkle. Although, knowing your father, he'd probably still be angry about the same things.

Britta:REPRESSED MEMORIES!

Britta:PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!

Britta:COGNITIVE DISSONANCE!

Annie:Oh my God, Pierce. 'Ideal Woman #47: Woman who laughs at my jokes'? 'Ideal Woman #52: Woman who doesn't ask questions about my past'?

Annie:'Ideal Woman #73: Woman who is okay with me having other ideal women'?

Annie:'Ideal Woman #156: Woman. Any woman. Please God, any woman at this point.'

Pierce:Those are just... those are notes, Annie.

Annie:And what is this? 'Ideal Woman #203: Should I try redheads? Unclear on redheads. Still thinking about redheads.'

Pierce:I have a process!

Annie:Why does every horror movie have the characters split up? That's the worst idea! And why do they always go back to investigate strange noises? Just leave! And don't go in the basement, don't go in the attic, don't go anywhere alone!

Annie:It's like they're following some stupid formula where everyone makes the worst possible decision at every turn. Who does that in real life?

Troy:Oh man, what is all this stuff? Is this some kind of... exercise equipment? Pierce, you really take your fitness seriously.

Pierce:Well, you know, gotta stay limber.

Troy:And what's with all these chains? Are you training for some kind of escape artist act? That's actually pretty cool.

Pierce:Sure, let's go with that.

Troy:And this leather — is this like a special gym outfit? Keeps you from slipping on the equipment?

Shirley:Oh my God, is that a—no, I don't know what that is. Troy, do you know what that is?

Troy:No! I mean, I don't think so. Why would I know?

Shirley:Well, I certainly don't know. We're both very innocent people.

Shirley:So Troy, how's things going with your girlfriend? You two getting pretty serious?

Troy:Yeah, we've been talking about moving in together.

Shirley:Moving in together? Well, you know what that means... you'll need to be ready for certain... expectations.

Troy:Expectations? Like, she wants me to do more chores?

Shirley:No, Troy. I'm talking about the intimate side of things.

Troy:Oh! You mean like, sharing a Netflix password?

Shirley:...Sure. Yes. That.

Troy:Because I've been reading about digital security, and some experts say you shouldn't share passwords with anyone, even your—

Shirley:Troy, no.

Abed:I'm going to treat this like a TV show. There's always a logical explanation by the third act.

Jeff:Hold on, hold on. Are we doing a horror episode now? Because I'm pretty sure when I signed up for this show, it was supposed to be about a community college study group, not a slasher film.

Jeff:And before anyone says anything, yes, I see the irony in me breaking the fourth wall to complain about genre drift. That's the joke.

Abed:I'm going to have to re-contextualize that entire conversation.

Jeff:To Pierce's father. He's in a better place now. Specifically, heaven. Away from Pierce.

Pierce:I faked my own death so you'd all appreciate me more.

Jeff:That's insane.

Pierce:Is it? When's the last time any of you thought about me fondly?

Britta:We think about you fondly all the time.

Pierce:No you don't. You think about how annoying I am. But dead Pierce? Dead Pierce is the best Pierce.

Pierce:Because Vicki's a robot, and I didn't know if she could be scared. But I knew you guys could be. I was counting on it.

Pierce:What? It's simple ghost physics. Ghosts can't see you if you can't see them. It's called the Schrödinger's ghost principle.

Jeff:That's not what Schrödinger's principle is.

Pierce:Oh, so now you're a quantum physicist? I've been around ghosts before, Jeff. You close your eyes, they lose interest. It's like playing dead, but with your eyelids.

Pierce:I didn't hire anybody. I tried to get William Shatner, but his agent said he was 'too busy' and 'not interested in working with me.'

Pierce:I'm gonna send him a fruit basket.

Pierce:That way, when he eats the fruit, he'll think of me and get confused about his hatred.

Britta:I want to watch Inspector Spacetime because it's about time travel and alternate dimensions, which is basically what my life is like trying to figure out my career path.

Jeff:Your life isn't complicated, Britta. It's just a Winger.

Britta:What's that supposed to mean?

Jeff:Exactly.