Conventions of Space and Time

Abed:And yet somehow we always end up in World War II London.

Britta:We need to ease Abed into this. If we just tell him we're dating, he might have a complete breakdown. I'm talking full Fantastic Voyage scenario—he'll shrink down to microscopic size and get injected into someone's bloodstream.

Troy:Yes! Finally! I've been waiting for this my whole life!

Troy:What do you need me to do? Do I get a cape? Can I have a cape?

Britta:Hey Abed, what's up?

Abed:14 hours and 37 minutes since I last saw you. You got a haircut.

Abed:I've known about you two for three weeks.

Troy:What? How?

Abed:You're not as subtle as you think. Also, I have access to the security camera footage.

Britta:There are security cameras in our dorm?

Abed:There are security cameras everywhere. I'm just the only one who watches them.

Abed:I know about you two.

Abed:Anyway, has anyone seen those Boston cream doughnuts? They had them in the cafeteria this morning.

Annie:You don't need sunglasses, Jeff. We're indoors.

Jeff:I'm not worried about the sun, Annie. I'm worried about someone seeing me here.

Annie:At a sci-fi convention?

Jeff:At a place where grown men are dressed as Klingons. Yes.

Pierce:I want to go on your trip. What do you call yourselves again?

Jeff:We're just a study group.

Pierce:Oh, so I'll be joining Studying Group on their adventure!

Pierce:I belong here! Back in Ancient Greece, they had space conventions too, you know. Yeah, that's right - the Spartans were launching shuttles while you people were still figuring out the wheel!

Abed:The Inspector has had several female companions throughout the years.

Troy:Yeah, and we don't hate them because they're women. We hate them because they're poorly written.

Annie:Al Capone? More like Al Ca-GONE!

Annie:Why is everyone staring at you?

Jeff:Because I'm the most attractive person here.

Annie:We're at a comic book convention.

Jeff:Exactly.

Jeff:Why is everyone staring at me?

Annie:Jeff, you look exactly like The Dark Elf from Game of Thrones.

Jeff:What? No, I don't.

Annie:You really do. It's uncanny.

Annie:This is my first adult vacation. You know how I know I'm an adult? I'm staying at a hotel with a continental breakfast.

Annie:I will! And... and you'll enjoy being... tall and stupid!

Abed:My friend Toby almost couldn't make it from Nigeria.

Abed:Apparently he's a prince and needs help transferring money out of the country.

Abed:I told him I'd wire him my entire savings account, but then I realized—that's probably not how it works.

Toby:Thanks for the money, Abed.

Abed:You're welcome.

Toby:You know, it's funny. Everyone ignores those Nigerian prince emails, but when a real Nigerian prince asks for money, suddenly I'm the weird one.

Toby:His wife is always complaining about something. She's never happy.

Troy:Yeah, she's like the Blorgons from Inspector Spacetime — always invading and ruining everything.

Britta:Wait, Minerva? That's a girl's name, isn't it?

Britta:Oh my God, I just called the Inspector a girl. She's gonna think I was being sexist.

Annie:Okay, everyone needs to blend in. Act natural. We're just here to watch... uh... The Office?

Troy:Annie, that's not even a real show.

Annie:I know that! I was testing you!

Annie:Wait, what? No, no, we're huge fans! I've seen every episode! Well, not every episode, but like... a lot of episodes. Which episodes have you seen? Do you have a favorite character? Mine changes weekly. Is that normal? Do real fans have a favorite character or do they love everyone equally? Oh God, I'm sweating. Why am I sweating? Do I look nervous? I'm not nervous!

Annie:Yes, hello, I'd like to order dinner for two. No, no carbs please, we're watching our figure. Oh, and a bottle of your finest wine. Actually, make it two bottles.

Jeff:Annie, what are you doing?

Annie:What? I'm being health-conscious and romantic!

Annie:The kind that makes you forget you're in a hotel room with a girl who ironed her jeans.

Shirley:We have every right to be here at this convention. We're not sexist, we're not racist, we're not ageist, we're not heightist—we're just very specific about our preferences.

Britta:You're worried they're gonna break up? Troy, they're not in a relationship.

Troy:I know, but—

Britta:No, see, that's your problem. You're applying relationship logic to a friendship. It doesn't work that way. When two people are just friends, they can drift apart without it being a tragedy. It's actually healthy.

Troy:But what if they stop talking completely?

Britta:Then they'll reconnect later, or they won't. Either way, you don't get to have feelings about it because you're not involved. You're like a relationship therapist trying to save a marriage that doesn't exist.

Troy:So if I love someone, I just... let them go? What if they get hit by a bus? What if they join a cult? What if they become a bus that joins a cult?

Pierce:Well, I'll tell you what. The production values are top-notch, the writing is extraordinarily clever, and the lead actor has real gravitas. But here's the thing - and I say this with all due respect - I haven't the faintest idea what's going on. Not a clue. It's like watching Shakespeare performed by aliens who learned English phonetically.

Fan 1:Do the thing! Do the Thoraxis thing!

Fan 2:Yeah! Say the line!

Jeff:I don't know what you're talking about.

Fan 1:Come on, Thoraxis! 'Bite my shiny metal...!'

Jeff:I'm not Thoraxis, I'm just a guy at a convention.

Multiple Fans:DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

Troy:Hey Toby, it's me, Troy! Troy Barnes!

Toby:Sorry, do I know you?

Troy:We met in Spanish class? I'm on the football team? I do impressions?

Toby:Doesn't ring a bell.

Troy:I sang 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' in the study room! You were there!

Toby:Nope.

Troy:Okay, remember when I dressed up as a dinosaur? Or when I got shot with a paintball? Or when I—

Toby:I really don't know who you are.

Troy:But... but I'm Troy! I'm in your life! I exist! I'm REAL!

Toby:I'm thinking we do a morning show pairing. You and Abed.

Troy:What? No. Abed and I have nothing in common.

Troy:We're completely different people.

Abed:We both like TV and film.

Troy:Okay, well, besides that obvious thing, we have nothing in common.

Toby:London is amazing. It's got Big Ben, it's got the Crown Jewels, it's got this legend...

Troy:What legend?

Toby:The Underground.

Troy:That's just a subway system.

Annie:Jeff, why do you need a hair dryer? Your hair is perfect.

Jeff:Thank you, Annie. A lawyer's appearance is everything.

Annie:So you're saying your hair is part of your legal strategy?

Jeff:Objection: assumes facts not in evidence. But yes.

Shirley:I think the show should stay true to what makes it special. It's about these characters and their genuine connections.

Focus Group Moderator:That's great, but what if we just made everything more explosive? Like, literally. Explosions in every scene.

Convention Attendee:Wait, Thoraxis is married? To a real person?

Convention Attendee:That means his wife is married to a villain who destroys entire civilizations.

Convention Attendee:She probably can't even keep a houseplant alive around him.

Jeff:You know what? I'd rather be back in one of those classic anxiety dreams where I show up to class naked and unprepared. At least then I'd wake up and realize none of it was real. This? This is real, and I'm still not prepared.

Britta:I got you something to cheer you up! It's a limited edition collectible action figure.

Troy:Britta, this is a My Little Pony doll.

Britta:Yeah, and? It's limited edition. The guy at the store said so.

Troy:You bought this at a toy store, didn't you?

Britta:No, I bought it at a very sophisticated collectibles shop. It was right next to the Sanrio store.

Troy:Wait, you said your name was Steve last week.

Toby:No I didn't.

Troy:Yes you did. You told me about when you were in the Peace Corps in Peru.

Toby:That was... that was a different story.

Troy:No, Toby—or should I say Steve—you literally introduced yourself as Steve.

Toby:I would never—

Troy:You're doing it right now. You're lying right now.

Toby:I'm superior to neurotypicals. My brain is simply more advanced.

Abed:Actually, Inspector Spacetime teaches us that true advancement isn't about being superior—it's about connection. The Inspector's greatest strength was his friendships across dimensions and species.

Abed:Your neurotype doesn't make you better or worse. It just makes you different. And difference is what makes a group stronger, not weaker.

Toby:Look, Abed, I know this is a difficult situation, but I brought you a cappuccino from that place you like.

Abed:You kidnapped me.

Toby:I know, but I also got you a bagel. A fresh one. Still warm.

Abed:I'm calling the police.

Toby:Wait—what if I also throw in a movie night? We could watch whatever you want.

Troy:Have you ever been in a fight?

Toby:No! Why would I be in a fight?

Troy:I don't know, man. Just asking.

Toby:Well, I haven't. Fights are barbaric.

Troy:Yeah, but what if someone just... punched you?

Toby:What do you mean 'punched' me? Like with their fist?

Troy:Yeah.

Toby:That's a closed hand moving at high velocity. That would hurt!

Abed:Thanks for getting me out of the box, Troy. Though honestly, at this point, I've been in so many boxes I'm starting to think of them as my second home.

Jeff:Wait, you fantasize about marrying me? That's... actually kind of flattering.

Jeff:But here's what I'm concerned about — if we did get married, would I start losing my hair? Because I've seen what happens to married men. The stress, the responsibility...

Jeff:My hair is basically my best feature. I can't risk that.

Annie:I've had fantasies about marrying different people. First it was Jeff, then Troy, then Abed, then Pierce, then Shirley, then the Dean, then Chang.

Annie:But mostly just Abed.

Jeff:You know what? I would never cheat on you.

Annie:Can I get an appletini?

Jeff:An appletini? Really? I'm not ordering that.

Annie:Why not?

Jeff:Because I have to say the word 'appletini' out loud to a bartender.

Jeff:Fine. Okay. Here it goes.

Jeff:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Jeff:Thoraxis!

Shirley:I don't know what that is, and I'm not going to ask.

Jeff:Inspector Spacetime here. I've just realized I traveled back in time and married my own grandmother, which means I'm my own grandfather. And also... my own father. And mother. And I may have... inadvertently become my own son.

Britta:This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.