Introduction to Teaching

Jeff:Does anyone have any questions?

Jeff:I should mention, I'm not going to learn any of your names.

Student:Is that going to be on the exam?

Jeff:Great question. That's exactly the kind of thing you should be asking. Very thoughtful. Now, does anyone else have a question formatted just like that?

Student:So when will we get our grades back?

Jeff:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you want me to spoil the entire semester for you? Because that's what happens when you ask about grades before you've lived through the full experience.

Student:I just want to know how I'm doing...

Jeff:That's like asking me to tell you how The Sixth Sense ends. Some things are meant to be a surprise. The anticipation is half the fun.

Jeff:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not a real teacher. I'm a lawyer pretending to be a teacher. There's a huge difference. One involves actual credentials and responsibility, and the other is what I'm doing.

Student:You're a teacher and we're students.

Jeff:Yeah, I know.

Jeff:Oh my God. I'm a teacher.

Leonard:Why did Jeff cross the road? To get away from me!

Jeff:Leonard, you're like the road manager for the California Raisins – nobody knows you exist, nobody cares what you think, and everyone's just waiting for you to stop talking so they can get back to the actual product.

Student 1:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jeff, that's not what a teacher does.

Student 2:Yeah, teachers are supposed to inspire us, not crush our souls.

Student 3:This is basically psychological warfare.

Hickey:I'm offering you half the office space.

Jeff:That's... actually really generous.

Hickey:Well, just don't mind the fetal pigs in the corner. I'm preserving them for my biology class.

Jeff:Of course you are.

Jeff:Teaching is temporary for me. Just until I figure out what I really want to do.

Hickey:Temporary, huh? Yeah, I've been doing this temporarily for about 15 years now.

Hickey:You're adorable.

Abed:The table is voice-activated. Just say a command.

Student:Uh, table... move left?

Abed:It's working.

Student:Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! My drink!

Jeff:Just... don't tease me about teaching, okay?

Jeff:Teaching is the most noble profession. It's a calling. A sacred trust. I've always felt that way.

Jeff:I can't fake being a teacher. I faked being a lawyer for years, but teaching? That's different. You actually have to know stuff. Or at least pretend to know stuff convincingly. With lawyering, I just wore a suit and said 'objection.' With teaching, people expect you to have a plan. It's like Mythbusters—except they get away with just blowing stuff up and calling it science.

Jeff:Well, Jesus never made a movie where he fought a bunch of bees, so Nicolas Cage is technically more prolific.

Annie:Jeff, don't forget you need to prepare to teach.

Jeff:Oh, thanks for reminding me of my horrible situation. Really, I appreciate it.

Dean Pelton:Oh Jeff, you're doing such a good job! I'm so proud of you! You're like the son I never had. A sexy son.

Dean:Do you know Excel?

Jeff:No.

Dean:You look like you do.

Professor Garrity:You have a history of solving unsolvable questions.

Abed:Who's the Boss? Angela.

Professor Garrity:Abed, I need to warn you about something. Your Nicolas Cage analysis has become... concerning.

Abed:What do you mean? It's just film criticism.

Professor Garrity:Just film criticism? You've watched every single one of his movies. Twice. In a row. We're worried you're going down a dangerous path.

Abed:But his filmography is a fascinating study in—

Professor Garrity:That's exactly what I'm talking about. This kind of pop culture analysis requires extreme caution. We're going to need you to seek professional help.

Jeff:The food here is warm and disgusting.

Buzz:You can't just cut in line like that!

Jeff:What? Come on, it's not a big deal.

Buzz:Not a big deal? That's like Lionel Richie saying 'Hello, is it me you're looking for?' and then just walking away without waiting for an answer.

Hickey:You see, there's a hierarchy in education. Teachers are at the top.

Student:That's... that's my lunch, Mr. Hickey.

Hickey:Exactly. And I'm taking it.

Student:But sir, that's all I have!

Hickey:You see these students? They're like baboons in the cafeteria. There's a strict hierarchy, a pecking order. The jocks sit over there, the nerds cluster by the vending machines, and the rest of them are just fighting for scraps of social acceptance like primates battling for dominance in the troop.

Jeff:So what's your approach to teaching?

Professor Duncan:Well, I find that students learn best when they take ownership of their education. So I have them teach themselves while I show nature documentaries.

Jeff:You just... watch documentaries?

Professor Duncan:It's called a flipped classroom. Very progressive.

Dean Pelton:Hey there, how's it going?

Teacher:Oh, Dean. What brings you by?

Dean Pelton:Just wanted to see how things are in the classroom, connect with the faculty.

Teacher:Right, well, if you could just sign off on these purchase orders and leave, that would be great.

Dean Pelton:Oh, I was hoping we could actually talk—

Teacher:Your signature. On the checks. Then you can go.

Britta:Nicolas Cage's emotional responses don't make any logical sense. Like, why would he cry about that? It's completely inconsistent with what just happened.

Abed:Actors fall into several distinct categories. There's the classically trained actor, the method actor, the character actor, the method character actor, and then there's the good kind of bad actor.

Abed:That's different from the bad kind of bad actor, which is different from the bad kind of good actor, which paradoxically is sometimes better than the good kind of good actor.

Hickey:You know what we should do? We should go out tonight and turd on someone's car.

Jeff:I know that. Syllabi. It's syllabi.

Jeff:Alright, listen up. I'm going to have to ask you to sit down and think about what you've done. You've really disappointed me. Not as a teacher, but as a human being. Now, I'm going to step out of the room, and when I come back, I expect a full apology and a complete understanding of why your behavior was unacceptable.

Annie:Jeff, we need to talk.

Jeff:Oh no. What did I do?

Annie:It's not what you did. It's what you're about to do.

Jeff:Annie, I need your support on this.

Annie:Oh Jeff, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, and you once tried to convince us that expired yogurt was 'probiotic aged cheese.'

Annie:You don't even know basic contract law, Jeff. You're a fraud.

Jeff:Actually, I do know contract law. I once got out of a parking ticket by arguing that the sign was technically in Comic Sans, so it wasn't a legally binding municipal code.

Annie:That's not how any of this works.

Jeff:And yet, I won. So clearly I'm a legal genius.

Jeff:You know what? I wish Troy was here right now.

Annie:Why? So he could agree with you?

Jeff:No, so I could have him sit on your lap while I teach.

Jeff:You know what? Fine. FINE. You want to play games? I can play games too.

Annie:Jeff, come on—

Jeff:No, no, no. You're being childish, so I'm going to be childish. Games, games, games. That's all you care about. Games and your stupid... your stupid tests and your stupid... fine, fine, FINE.

Hickey:You want my advice? Stop trying to lead her around by the chalk.

Jeff:What does that mean?

Hickey:Exactly.

Hickey:You want to get rid of Annie? Use psychological warfare. Start giving her bad grades.

Hickey:She'll spiral. Annie Edison lives for grades. It'll destroy her.

Jeff:Annie's going to call me on this. She's going to say it's unfair.

Hickey:Unfair? Jeff, minus grades don't exist for the students. They exist for us. So we can feel like we have power.

Hickey:What's the special ingredient in these meatballs?

Jeff:The special ingredient is literally Leonard.

Hickey:What do you mean, literally Leonard?

Jeff:I mean Leonard. He's in the meatballs.

Leonard:I want my earring back.

Hickey:No.

Annie:Maybe he just had a simple explanation for why Cage does what he does.

Abed:That's too obvious. All actors are crazy.

Student:You don't even prepare lessons. You just show up and wing it.

Jeff:That's not winging it. That's Socratic method. I'm teaching you to think for yourselves by not giving you anything to think about.

Student:That's not philosophy, that's laziness.

Jeff:Is it though? Or is laziness just philosophy that works?

Jeff:I have a teaching philosophy that works.

Jeff:How do I know it works? Because I use it to teach.

Jeff:And it works because my teaching philosophy is sound.

Garrett:How did you win that argument with Annie?

Jeff:I didn't engage. I just ignored everything she said.

Garrett:And that worked?

Jeff:No, she won. But I didn't lose, which in my mind is the same thing.

Jeff:Here's the thing about the law—it's not about truth. It's about what you can prove, and what you can make a jury believe. See, truth is this philosophical concept that changes depending on who's talking about it. Lawyers don't deal in truth. We deal in narrative, in reasonable doubt, in the space between what happened and what can be demonstrated in court.

Jeff:Wait, you're telling me you did this on purpose? As coursework?

Annie:It's for my biology project. We're studying animal behavior and stress responses.

Jeff:Annie, that's somehow worse than random cruelty. At least random cruelty has the decency to be thoughtless.

Abed:Okay, so if you break down the narrative structure of what just happened, you can see the clear three-act framework where the inciting incident creates a false equilibrium that inevitably—wait, no, that's not—why am I even—look, it was just stupid, okay? Everyone was being stupid and it was stupid and I hate this. Why do we even talk?

Abed:I'm a sexy cat.

Annie:Okay, Abed, I'm going to suggest some actors who are really safe choices. Predictably good. Tom Hanks.

Abed:He's in everything now. He's everywhere. He's watching.

Annie:Okay, um... Meryl Streep?

Abed:She's in everything. She's won everything. She's won so much, Jeff.

Annie:How about... Gary Oldman?

Abed:Different characters. All of them better than me.

Professor Garrity:Well Abed, that was quite the performance. You really committed to the bit.

Professor Garrity:I'm giving you an A. That kind of method acting doesn't come around often.

Abed:I wasn't acting.

Professor Garrity:Exactly. A+.

Jeff:That's not a duck.

Hickey:Yes it is! It's a duck! Why does everyone say that?

Jeff:Because it looks like a blob with a beak.

Hickey:It's MY blob with a beak! Back off!

Jeff:A monster? For giving Annie an A-minus?

Hickey:Look, when you've spent twenty years in criminology dealing with actual monsters, a student getting an A-minus doesn't seem so bad.

Jeff:You know what? Teaching is just like dating for me. I show up, I'm charming, I make a real connection, and then I disappear.

Jeff:Your cartoons are terrible.

Hickey:Terrible? I'll have you know my comics have been rejected by every major publication in the tri-state area. That's not terrible, that's consistency.

Annie:Wait, why did my A-minus become a B-plus?

Jeff:Because I decided minus grades are for people with commitment issues, and plus grades are for people who actually care. You care, Annie. You care too much.

Annie:That's not how grading works!

Jeff:It is now. Also, anyone with a C is basically a D student in denial. I'm changing those too.

Annie:I can't believe you all conspired to change my grades. I feel like... like Brutus stabbed Caesar. Wait, that's the right reference, right? I'm using that correctly?

Annie:Wait, you're telling me the Dean has been changing grades this whole time?

Annie:That's it. Everyone, grab whatever you can use as a weapon. We're storming the administrative building RIGHT NOW.

Annie:I don't care if it's a stapler or a chair leg — academic integrity is NON-NEGOTIABLE.

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Abed:I've been studying Nicolas Cage's filmography and I've realized something deeply troubling about the human condition. Every character he plays is essentially the same person trapped in different circumstances, which suggests that free will is an illusion and we're all just Nicolas Cage in different bodies, which means nothing matters.

Shirley:People who challenge your understanding of the world. Like, uh, Buddha, Muhammad, Jesus...

Shirley:...and Aladdin.

Abed:So Cage is Jesus?

Shirley:No, no, no. Cage isn't Jesus. But like Jesus, Cage died for our sins.

Abed:Nicolas Cage is like the Cenobites from Hellraiser — he's simultaneously pleasure and pain. You don't know if you're going to have a good time or a terrible time, but you know it's going to be an experience.

Abed:I'm surprised you know horror references.

Shirley:Well, I watch movies. And honestly, most horror sequels completely miss what made the original work. They're just cash grabs with worse writing and cheaper effects.

Abed:Okay, but what about the ones that are actually good?

Shirley:Name one. Because I've seen them all, and I have opinions about every single one.

Jeff:Everyone, stop! This isn't about teachers versus students. This is about the fundamental economic inequalities that pit the working class against the bourgeoisie!

Dean Pelton:Jeff, that's... that's actually kind of making it worse.

Jeff:No, no, you see? Once we all realize we're victims of late-stage capitalism, we'll unite against our true enemy: the one percent!

Jeff:This cafeteria food is absolutely terrible.

Dean:Thank you! I optimized the menu using Excel. I cut costs by 40%.

Jeff:By removing all the food?

Dean:No, by removing all the flavor. Much more efficient.

Jeff:I came here to unite this community, to show everyone that we're stronger together. But I've realized something... no one escapes Greendale. Not really. You can graduate, you can leave, but this place has a way of pulling you back. We're all trapped here together, and maybe that's the point.

Dean Pelton:Excel is based on rows and columns of cells.

Dean Pelton:I always thought the name came from the cells, not excellence.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, you need to stay involved with the college. You're not getting any younger, and let's face it, your economic prospects aren't exactly stellar. One medical emergency and you could lose everything.

Hickey:Look, I owe you an apology. I was wrong about what I said, and I was also wrong about wearing a tank top to the grocery store.

Hickey:What? I'm just eating nuts. Gotta keep my strength up.

Hickey:Got a underground shelter stocked with 40 years worth of supplies. When the grid goes down, you're all gonna wish you listened to ol' Hickey.

Buzz:You know, I've been thinking about stockpiling canned goods. When the grid goes down, you'll wish you had someone like me around.

Annie:You know, there really isn't much Asian-American representation on television.

Britta:What about Chang?

Annie:Well, not enough *good* representation.

Hickey:No, I can't afford the name brand. The generic works just as well... My back's been killing me, but I can't justify spending that much on pills when I got bills to pay...

Hickey:Yeah, I know it's not ideal, but that's life. You do what you can with what you got.

Hickey:Do you know what a teacher makes? I'm not talking about what we're supposed to make. I'm talking about what we actually make after taxes, health insurance, and buying our own classroom supplies because the school won't.

Hickey:I spend more on dry cleaning than I do on food. My car payment is older than some of my students. And now I need medication I can't afford because apparently that's not covered either.

Hickey:Yes, hello, I need to file a claim. No, I don't have a policy number handy. Well, I've been having some issues with my coverage and—look, can you just help me? I'm calling because I had an incident and—no, I wasn't drinking. Well, not much. Can we just move forward here?

Hickey:What do you mean 'what kind of incident'? The kind where I need insurance! I've got night terrors, okay? Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, convinced I've wasted my entire life making terrible decisions and hurting people who trusted me. I lie there staring at the ceiling thinking about all the bridges I've burned and wondering if there's any point to any of this because we're all just hurtling toward oblivion anyway!

Hickey:Hello? Hello? Why did you—

Hickey:Hi Mom, it's me. Yeah, I know it's been a while. Listen, I'm calling about Dad's funeral. Yeah, I got the bill. Mom, $8,000? That's... that's a lot. I don't have that kind of money right now. I know he would've wanted a nice service, but... Mom, I can't... I can't do this right now. I'm sorry. I'll call you back.