Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs

DEE:It's not your bed, okay? It's my goddamn floor!

DEE:You're turning this place into the Superdome.

DENNIS:Superdome? That's, like, six years too late. That's a super lame reference. And it's kind of offensive.

MAC:Oh, I take that as a compliment.

DEE:It's not a compliment.

MAC:Well, it's biblical, so it's a compliment.

I wish we hadn't burned down our rent-controlled apartment.

(both laugh)

CHARLIE:The one where the family was murdered? Brutally murdered.

MAC:Pass.

Dennis:And we don't have to worry about getting ringworm.

Dee:You brought the ringworm.

Frank:These are city scum. They can't hack it out here.

FRANK:And if you don't, you have to sleep in bed with an old man for a year.

DENNIS:(laughing): Gross! What?

DENNIS:You already sleep with an old man, and for no reason other than you seem to enjoy it.

MAC:I call it Mac's famous mac and cheese.

DENNIS:I don't really know how famous it is. I mean, I'm your roommate, and I've never heard of it.

MAC:Pool filter?

DENNIS:Oh, my God. It was like a jet engine.

MAC:Yeah, it's a long commute, so...

DENNIS:Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.

Wally:Name's Wally Schmidt. No relation to Mike. But don't tell my wife. (chuckles)

WALLY:Boy, it sure is a hot one today, huh?

DENNIS:Just comes up and starts talking to us? Right, some guy comes up to me, I don't know what he's... I don't know what he's up to.

DENNIS:I'm staring at him, I'm thinking, does he have a knife? Are we gonna have to take this bitch out right now?

DENNIS:Come on, you got, you have to seize the goddamn gap! People are so goddamn inefficient!

DENNIS:You old fat bitch! You fat bitch!

MAC:But it turns out, it's actually really complicated, and I didn't go to school for that, you know?

MAC:It took a little while to find a stud.

Dennis:Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Dennis:Aw, damn it! What is that?

DENNIS:Use your signal, you cow! (tires screech) Goddamn it.

DENNIS:Slow down! Children play here, you fat cow!

WALLY:Hot one today, huh?

DENNIS:Yeah?!

DENNIS:Oh, that Wally loves to say 'It's a hot one' when I already know it's a hot one. 'Cause I'm standing outside in the hot one.

DENNIS:Tell me about future weather. Don't tell me about present weather...

MAC:This is Jimmy-- he's the pool guy. I invited him over for dinner.

DENNIS:You gonna invite some guy over to my house that I don't even know.

DENNIS:If he knew shit that I was interested in, he wouldn't be a (bleep) pool guy.

DENNIS:Here I am thinking that we got a pool that's outside. I didn't realize that we had an indoor pool.

DENNIS:And yet we don't have enough money for a recipe book, 'cause here we are eating mac and cheese again.

MAC:You don't know how hard it is to be cooped up in here all by myself, okay?

DENNIS:I get to go to work? Oh, everybody, hey, I 'get' to go to work. I 'get' to have a job.

MAC:I'm pretty sure it's a cricket.

DENNIS:How are they gonna find an old man that's gonna go along with it?

MAC:Right. Exactly.

Frank:Mac and Dennis, old man. Old man, Mac and Dennis.

CHARLIE:And it is famous. In my stomach.

DEE:I mean, we're your friends, I've never heard of it.

Dee:I'll take that California king bed for myself.

FRANK:Fine, and if they lose, the three of you got to sleep with the old man.

DENNIS:I have to piss. Out of my penis.

MAC:Look, dude, I don't want to sound racist, but can we just discuss the fact that it's an old black man?

MAC:That's two things, it's two things.

MAC:Why am I in the middle? Black man should be in the middle.

MAC:Old man is down at the bottom, sideways, like a dog.

DEE:You guys are cracking, aren't you?

MAC:It's soul-crushing, Dee! Oh, my God, I can't make this house into a home. I didn't go to school for that.

MAC:You got me a dog?

DENNIS:Yeah.

MAC:Oh, my God, he's so cute!

MAC:I'm gonna name him Dennis.

DENNIS:Huh?

MAC:You're Dennis. He's Dennis Jr.

MAC:I'm gonna raise this guy like he was our own son.

Dennis:But you don't really know what hot is, do you? Hot's a storm. You ever been in a storm, Wally?

DENNIS:You ever been in a storm, Wally? I mean, a real storm? Not a thunderstorm, but a storm of fists

DENNIS:raining down on your head. Blasting you in the face. Pummeling you in the stomach. Hitting you in the chest so hard you think your heart's gonna stop.

DENNIS:No one.

MAC:What's that?

DENNIS:Dog grave.

MAC:everything I do, I do for you!

MAC:Sleeping in your car. Eating at Applebee's.

DENNIS:You put meat hunks in it! Wow! Hunks of meat! Mmm!

MAC:Well, of course Dennis would like Dennis. What? It's Dennis! What are you talking about? You're eating the dog!

MAC:I don't know! I guess it was just a cry for attention!

Mac:You didn't even blink twice when I told you that the dog was dead!

MAC:I called it my famous mac and cheese as-as a joke. But then it seemed like you like it. You like that it was Mac's famous mac and cheese.

MAC:You're the one that's sitting at Applebee's eating pot stickers all by yourself. You're the one that's pathetic!

DENNIS:News flash, asshole! I've been hearing it the entire goddamn time!

MAC:We're gonna win the bet! Free rent for a year! We did it!

DENNIS:Free rent for... Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Free rent for where?

CHARLIE:Sorry, black man. Old man. Old man. Sorry, old black man. Goddamn it.