The Gang Gets Cursed

Dennis:I very much do want to be famous, but I don't know if I want to be on a reality show where they try and make us look like jerks.

Dee:'Cause, like, what if they, like, edit it to, like, make me look stupid or something?

Mac:What if, what if my shirt falls off?

Dennis:Dennis worrying about being edited to look stupid when he's already demonstrably stupid

Ever. He never has. Yeah.

Dennis:the boxes that people live in

Dennis:You talking about their homes? Y... uh, yes, yeah. Their homes. Jesus. I couldn't think of that word. That's so weird.

Mac:How are we not supposed to laugh at that?

Charlie:I wouldn't laugh at that.

Frank:My egg's all bloody.

Dee:I don't know what's going on with my face, but it's broken or something.

Charlie:I call old ladies cunts all the time.

Frank:We all do.

Mac:Right.

Dennis:That's true.

Dee:We do. We do.

Charlie:I called an old lady a cunt this morning.

Dee:Well, it's a trophy. See? It says 'Cunt of the Year.' That's you.

Dennis:Dee had no right to give that trophy away.

Mac:We worked very, very hard on that.

Charlie:Nobody wanted to do it.

Dennis:Plus, she earned it, right?

Frank:Oh, what a sweet little birdie. You want some food? Want some?

Charlie:Whoa! Shit, Frank!

Frank:Die! Come here, you rat, die!

Cricket:What is your deal, man? One second you need me, the next I'm a pile of garbage?

Mac:Cricket, beat it, man... You better beat it, or I'm gonna beat you with my shoe.

Cricket:Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.

Charlie:Like, if a black cat crosses your path, do you spit over your left shoulder?

Dennis:Why would I do that?

Charlie:You guys don't do that one?

Charlie:And 'just in case' is as good a reason to believe in anything as any.

Dennis:I'm Dennis, the brother of this horrible woman

Dennis:She feels... She, uh... Oh, what's the word? To make better the feelings?

Neighbor:Sorry?

Dennis:Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.

Dennis:I was murdered to a woman named Maureen

Dennis:I was, I was murdered to a woman named Maureen.

Dennis:No, I meant married. I'm sorry.

Neighbor:And please keep the noise down at night.

Dee:Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.

Cricket:There's only four in here.

Mac:I drank two of 'em, of course. / If I'm being honest, I drank four. Two of those are piss.

Mac:Something wrong with your dick?

Cricket:If it's your dick, though, I got to charge you for it.

Mac:I'm not whipping anything out!

Cricket:There's a tiered system...

Mac:Mac's completely fabricated letter from Chase Utley that he recites from memory, including embarrassing personal details

Chase:I thought Mac was a little kid.

Mac:There's a child. A child born unto me. Little Mac. / He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac, and you shall have a catch with him.

Mac:He's very sick. He's, he's dying. He's got leukemia and you shall have a catch with him.

Uncle Jack:Hey, you want to know my wish, Charlie?

Charlie:Sure don't, pal.

Well, you could slit Frank's throat with a horn of a goat and drink a bowl of his blood.

What?

Well, uh, okay, yeah, maybe not, maybe not that.

Frank:He could behead the gull and wear its skull around his neck for the rest of his life.

Charlie:Mom, that's not gonna work, 'cause we don't have the gull anymore.

Frank:Yeah, we do.

Charlie:It is?

Frank:I kicked it under one of the booths so I didn't have to clean it up.

Bonnie:You could give the seagull a proper burial.

Charlie:What? Well, yeah, that one, Mom. That one. Why didn't you lead off with that one in the first place?

Charlie:Oh, a trophy? From the murder.

Dennis:Not a... What? No, not a trophy.

Charlie:Like a souvenir, from your victim.

Dennis:Not a souvenir, no.

Dennis:Because she's not a cat.

Mac:Yeah, but, dude, like, that's-that's the exact kind of thing that could lead to a curse.

Cricket:I can be whatever you want me to be, champ.

Mac:Oh, he can.

Mac:Would you make it... Do a, do a turn. Do a spin.

Mac:There you go. Make it sexy. Let's go.

Mac:Well, ever since I found this monkey's paw, my luck has totally turned around. Well, actually, it wasn't just a paw. It was a whole monkey behind the kegs, and he was dead.

Charlie:That's probably the monkey that worked here, robbed us and fucked our faces.

Mac:He got stuck behind the keg.

Chase:But actions do have consequences. Like lying, Mac. Why don't you hand over that monkey paw?

Mac:Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!

Dennis:Well, is it possible, Frank, that that egg was a seagull egg?

Frank:Oh...

Dennis:That might've been, because, you know what, we found some eggs...

Frank:I might've swapped...

Dennis:You did a flip-flop.

Dennis:We're just the type of people to bury various animals and-and wives in a pet cemetery when we know we should be at work.

I don't know, Cricks, I guess... there's no real explanation as to why bad things would happen to you.

Maybe it's just one of those things, Cricket.

That's life.

You got a dark cloud following you around.

It is what it is.