The Gang Gets Analyzed

Sweet Dee:I'm scaling up like a goddamn boa constrictor over here.

Sweet Dee:Well, you're not a skin doctor, so let's drop it already, okay?

screaming and tears and physical threats, uh, Frank pulled out his gun, somebody dropped the 'N' bomb

Oh. No one was assigned the dishes.

Therapist:And that all happened over the dishes?

Sweet Dee:Who's going to do the dishes! And also, this is a great opportunity for you to see how insane my asshole friends are.

Sweet Dee:Of course I brought them here... what, are you gonna come to my house?

Dennis:Yeah, actually, this argument is more about determining who the loser will be, because most of us will be winners.

Sweet Dee:Setting the table? Are you dumb? I hosted!

Sweet Dee:It was wall-to-wall details! I was on edge the whole time.

Frank:The food was mush.

Mac:The food was divine. It was pheasant.

Charlie:Well, I had the hardest job of anyone... I traveled all the way to this exotic merchant in search of this rare fowl...

Mac:You went to the corner gourmet grocery store and you bought pheasant.

Dennis:I have a background in academic psych myself, from an Ivy League college, no less, not this, uh, LaSalle.

Frank:It sounds like a pasta dish.

Dennis:Some people don't have the same access that we do.

Dennis:big group dealio

Mac:I hosted the shit out of that party!

Mac:sometimes I feel like they don't even understand me and we're not even that good of friends.

Mac:(screams) That's bullshit! We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world! Goddamn them for making me think otherwise!

Mac:I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.

Mac:I gained and lost 60 pounds in three months.

Mac:Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so jot that down.

Mac:people used to cross the street when I would walk by. They'd be, like, 'Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us, you know, barreling towards us.'

Mac:Lady, I was as big as a skyscraper, and now I'm as tiny as a postage stamp.

Mac:You leave this pen here and people are supposed to think, 'Wait, that looks like a dick.'

Mac:Dennis is, like, my best buddy

Mac:So if we talk about it, then you think that I'll get most bigger... from talking!

Mac:when you started talking about God, I realized that you're one of the smart ones.

Dennis:Get out, slim. Let's go.

Dennis:Ticktock, ticktock. Time's up. Ticktock, tiny man.

Dennis:I taped the knob... I knew I'd be popping in and out quite a bit.

Charlie:Fine, I'll do the dishes! You're just gonna make me do 'em anyway!

Charlie:basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your basic slimes, your sludges. Anything dead, or decay, you know, I'm on it

Charlie:I love the dark, I love slippery things, I love being naked, uh, in the sewer.

Charlie:Bleach smells good, uh, tastes good

Charlie:I'm, like, probably the weirdest guy in the universe, you know. Probably even weirder than someone from Saturn.

Charlie:would it be weird if you survived an abortion?

Charlie:you shared a bed with a man who may or may not be your father?

Charlie:If you eat cat food to go to sleep, and you have such a fascination with cats that maybe you glue cat hair on the back of your neck every now and then?

Charlie:so if I got, like, more skin or something, then I could, like, never do a bad thing in my life

Charlie:You're saying, like, do the things you do, go even further with them. You know, maybe get a ton of cat hair, glue it all over your body, you know, walk around like a cat man in the night through the alleyways.

And stop hiding the pigeon. This one. You know, let him be who he wants, let him... let him fly away. Go!

Charlie:He's dead, I think.

Charlie:I think I might have hugged him a little too hard, kind of smothered him a bit

Frank:I ain't talking about nothing! This skull is Fort Knox.

Frank:Got me so scrambled up. Next thing you know, I was shanghaied upstate to a nitwit school.

Frank:Not just for nuts in the head. Bodies, too. Back then, science was real crude. They stuck us all together.

Frank:My roommate was a frog kid. You ever see a frog kid?

Frank:Got my first kiss there.

Frank:She was an angel. Always smiling. That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

Frank:She died two weeks later. She thought she was a space man with a plastic bag for a helmet.

Frank:Oh, you unzipped me. It's all coming back. I hate you!

Dennis:How quickly you rattled their cages, broke them all down.

Dennis:It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch, knowing that at any moment, you could throw it, but knowing you never will. But you could.

Dennis:He's always sucking on the pens in our apartment. I'm always having to hide them.

Dennis:My file on Dee was started in the second grade.

So they're Mexican ephedra. Calling them size pills was an eloquent solution.

Dennis:Drawing conclusions. And... drawing this.

Therapist:Were you or were you not... the first choice for the female lead in The Notebook?

Sweet Dee:I graciously handed it to Rachel McAdams and she did a fine job with the film. I'm secure enough to admit that.

Sweet Dee:(Brooklyn accent): Oh, what do you want to hear, Doc, huh? That I had cigarettes put out on me when I was a kid? That this isn't a surgery scar, huh? That my father stabbed me? Huh?

Therapist:You're speaking right now with a Brooklyn accent and yet...

Sweet Dee:(normal voice): Boston. It was a Boston accent.

Sweet Dee:Oh, really? Uh... ta-da! I've been lying the whole time! Oh! So, good, you admitted it. Uh-uh, that was acting. What I just... right there was acting. I said I was lying, and that wasn't even true. That was acting.

Sweet Dee:Tell me I'm good. Tell me it was good. Tell me I'm good. Tell me that was good. Tell me I'm good. Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

Frank:Dennis, there was another twin in your mother's womb. We were going to call him Donnie. You and Deandra devoured him before he could be born. You gobbled him up.

Dennis:You would've been the good one. It would've been Bruce's kid anyway, Frank.

Mac:The therapist implied that God wanted me to have bovine hormones and I think she's going to get them for me.

Dennis:How's that? Huh? You having a white Christmas? You having a white Christmas, you bitch?

Charlie:Yeah, I served you pigeon, okay? I'm not going to spend my money on a pheasant when I can get a perfectly good street bird.

Dee, do the (bleep) dishes.

Mac:Boom! I feel like a weight has been lifted. You're a good therapist.

Sweet Dee:Here's some dishes. You screwed me, you bitch. There's the dishes, all really nice and clean.