Dennis Reynolds

A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.

We're cool! / Not cool? / Try to be cool. / Sometimes you're not too cool. / Always cool, man.

We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all.

Oh, bro, that's racist. / No, asshole, that's not what I meant.

You're trying to make black friends. - You're not making it easy. - You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.

Physical fight over wallet with photo

Just give me it. I'll call the black girl. Okay?

I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of'em and nobody's having sex, I just... I don't care.

'Looking for that new hot spot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub has plugged that hole.'

What the f... What does that mean? Did we have... No. No. Don't be silly. It was all hands.

Oh. You had an experiment, and you want to go back to the way it was before the experiment. - Interesting. - The bar. We had our experiment with the bar.

Come to Philly for the crack - It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it

They're tribal - Oh, they're trib... I'm sorry. What tribe are you from? What? Is it, like, an Indian tribe or...

Are you gonna turn into the mad munchkin? Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?

Nobody wants to hear that

Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests? Hmm. I don't know. I'd have to check.

I'll blow you for $10. You know what? Let me consult some of this free literature they got here regarding that proposition.

I don't really have any convictions.

This kid reeks of booze! Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.

Everybody, out!

And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking. I guess.

The only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is 'cause you sold us all weed. Everybody thought you were an asshole.

You were popular like a clown is popular. All the guys knew you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.

Tim Murphy slept with your prom date! Oh. He's getting sad now. Oh, no. There's, like, watering in the eyes. Now he's running away.

These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cuttin' 'em off. I am cuttin' 'em off. These kids haven't had more than three drinks each. Plus, there's so much water, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been.

Are they fakin' it? I guess.

You wore that scoliosis back brace until you were 20 years old. Everyone was afraid of you. You looked like a monster!

You can either take me to the prom or I can tell the police that you're serving underage kids. Are you serious? Try me.

Eighteen's legal, bro. This isn't a morality contest. Eighteen's not young, brother.

Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like shit.

Uh, did you want to talk, like, right now?

It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car waitin' for me. I told them I'd just, you know, zip in and zip out.

Could I get the... the basketball though? It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people... and we were supposed to bring that.

And we cried together, and I held him for a while... and that was it.

What's the one thing that Charlie never gets? - Laid.

Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic, or what?

There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans. - There's a dick in those pants.

Is that a penis in your pants? - Yeah. - You lied to me.

She is in... way over her head. - In what? - Debt.

Uh, Rick Astley. What's up?

She's gettin' it removed. - So what? - I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? So that afterwards I'll be... - Gross, dude. - First.

Charlie has cancer.

You did what? - I slept with her.

Cancer... gold mine.

Oh, no. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay.

The waitress doesn't even like you. We had to pay her $250 to have sex with you!

Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and... And you never actually had sex with him. So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back.

Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and... And you never actually had sex with him. So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back.

You're such a dildo, dude. - Thanks, dude.

Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with last night?

'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had.

A B&E? - What does that mean?

How do you like me now, log?

I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff.

the gun's not here.

I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid. - Whatever Charlie's doing right now, it's probably pretty stupid.

What a penis!

Do you think this guy would be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?

What a cock! - What an idiot! What an idiot! What a total idiot, right?

I'm shot! - Charlie? Oh, my God! - Did you shoot me, Dennis? - Why did you shoot me?

Charlie, I shot you in your head. I am so sorry.

If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead.

I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car.

We'll put it over him.

You shot me, dude. - But, Charlie, you were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake.

Tom Brady would kick your ass.

This ought to do wonders for business.

Tell you what. I'll get the gasoline. We're not gonna burn it. Come on, dude. You never let me burn anything.

We need to isolate the area. You're just gonna spread whatever parts of him decomposed overnight.

A scientist? That's, like, science talk. Science talk? What the hell is science talk?

That's me. Actually... Actually, I'm the owner. I could help her out now. We own it together. Not really.

Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul actually.

You're totally blowing up my spot. I'm not blowing up your spot. You can't just claim the girl for yourself. She's way out of your league anyway.

Out of my league? She's out of your league. I could get that chick.

Pop-Pop is an asshole, Sweet Dee. And I'm placing my bets that that girl's grandfather is an asshole too.

And I'm placing my bets that that girl's grandfather is an asshole too. People don't just abandon their parents for no good reason.

I can get hot chicks, dude. Mac, don't embarrass yourself. I will always win in these circumstances.

You will not, dude. She's coming over here to see me. - She's coming to see you because you answered the phone, dude. - That's just semantics, bro.

Yeah, I try not to think about me though in circumstances like this. More importantly, how are you?

Dennis. Dennis. Oh, this is awkward. I'm... I'm not... Dennis, come here. I've been waiting... a long time for this moment, Dennis.

You're lot shorter than I thought you'd wind up. Yeah, well, you know. I'm actually still growin', so...

You want some candy? No, I'm good. Thanks. Eat the damn candy! Okay. Candy.

Yeah, well, what do you expect from Jews, right, Dennis? Uh... Jews. Um, maybe I should go and check on Dee, because...

It's not gonna be hard for me.

That would be so amazing. Would you like another drink? No, we're fine.

Jesus, Dennis. This is just goddamn shady. Hey, bud. If you wanna back out now, be my guest. I'd be happy to take all the credit for this.

How would you like to make 20 bucks? Sure. Got some nicer clothes?

Actually, I've got a little something prepared. If that's okay. Mac, did you prepare... Oh, no. Sorry. I totally forgot. He's a terrible public speaker. He gets really flustered and he clams up and his third-grade stutter comes back. It's adorable.

He's a good guy. He's just... got a bit of a drinking problem.

It was Christmas Eve last year and, uh... I was at Lionel's house, making him dinner. And we got to talking about the spirit of giving... So we did, we went down there. And not only did we feed... every last poor, miserable, precious soul... but we washed the feet of every man, woman and child there... in the spirit of Christ.

It was Christmas Eve last year and, uh... I was at Lionel's house, making him dinner.

but we washed the feet of every man, woman and child there... in the spirit of Christ.

So we went back to her house... and we made sweet, passionate love.

Dennis suggesting they tell everyone Charlie got blown by a gym teacher and throw him a surprise party to celebrate

Dee and Dennis's horrified reactions: 'You're goin' to hell, dude. Seriously.'

Dee calling Dennis out for using big words: 'Why are you throwing around big words?' / 'You failed all your classes'

Dennis's math logic: 'three-quarters of a major is bigger than a whole minor'

You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it. I keep saying it because... it is. I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time. I'm sorry that you're sorry all the time.

The anatomically correct doll reveal and family's reactions

Dennis claiming victory: 'three-quarters of a major... not so bad after all'

I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman. You're weak, and you can't.

Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep. And the rest is mine.

Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep. And the rest is mine.

Go, go, go! Go, horsey!

Oh, that is a shame. It slipped.

Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment, handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

I had polio. Okay? That's why I'm rocking the F.D.R. Look with the blanket and everything.

Are you sure you're okay? It's really important that I do this myself.

I got it! All by myself, I did it.

I have polio. Oh. And I have polio... He has polio too. Mm-hmm.

I have polio. / He has polio too.

Athletes. / Yeah, that's true. / But after that. / Rock stars. / Yeah, also true. But after that, Frank. / Actors.

Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl about my withered legs, then... / A million dollars?

If I have to listen to you talk about this stupid... goddamned stuffed elephant anymore... I'm going to punch you in the head.

Oh, look at me! The millionaire who goes to see doctors!

You're not part of the gang either, Dee, so forget that. / Yes, I am. / You're not. The gang is me, Mac and Charlie. That's the gang.

You can't just come in here and steal our land from us. / I'm... I'm pretty sure that's how this country was founded in the first place.

We don't have any... legal recourse. / No. / All right. I think I follow, fellas. / All right. We don't have any... Legal recourse. / What you're saying is, uh, we got to get creative.

No, of course we're mistaken. No, no, no. Yeah, no. We're mistaken. No, we would never want to implicate certain parties...

Jewish, okay? He's Jewish. Don't use the word 'Jew.' / I don't appreciate that. / That is a racial slur, Charlie, and... / Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew is not a racial slur.

You're the most misinformed person I've ever met. You don't even know what's going on in Israel.

This Jew's in for a ton of work. Oh! Whoa. What? You dropped a hard 'J' on us.

Visual: Dennis doing elaborate hand gestures to communicate 'dog' and 'kitchen' to Dee

What? Where does... What the hell is this? He put up a fence. / He didn't notice the toilet paper? He put up a fence. / He walled us in! / He walled us in!

Visual: Gang discovers Ari has walled them into their own bar with a fence

Squeeze through there. / It gets thinner, Dennis! Wait! Don't push me! / Wait, wait, wait! My toe's caught in the fence! / Go back! / That's fine. Just go back. Just go back. / I can't move!

That's what those tapes sound like. / Why don't you read the script I wrote? / I'm not reading the script. It's in English and riddled with spelling errors.

I feel like I should have something in my hands. / You don't need anything in your hands. / Like a weapon. / A machete or a machine gun. / Why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun?

You not make restaurant here. Bad decision. / We will crush your skull with our weapons!

We can't send this. / Nope. / What are you guys talking about? / We're gonna get arrested. / Yeah, or murdered. This is a little too extreme, Charlie.

Uh, I think this is the wrong message. / Yeah.

Uh, I think this is the wrong message. Yeah.

I'm part of the gang... or I send your asses to jail. / I would rather go to jail than work with you. / Yes! / Just for the record, I would rather not spend my life in jail.

Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang. / No! Charlie... / Charlie, shut your mouth! / Why can't you just die and leave your money to your kids like normal parents of America?

Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang. No! Charlie... Charlie, shut your mouth!

My dad's a meth dealer. - Oh, oh, no! - My daddy's in prison! - My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes.

Signing us up for unemployment benefits

The old Dennis would have said, 'Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It's pathetic.' But the new Dennis says that it's not my place to kill your pipe dreams.

400 a week. That's more than we made at the bar.

Oh, living the dream, bro. Living the dream

I'm gonna be a veterinarian. And I am gonna move to New York, and I'm gonna be on Broadway.

Well, it's a slow process, man. It takes a little time. But we trust the system

Is that a new watch, dude? It is. It's awesome. And I got a Jesus chain.

Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude.

Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude

You want to play this game? We gonna play this game now?

Drug addicts, mentally disabled, people with dependents... that sort of thing / Mac, we've got it covered, okay? Dee, your bicycle helmet

Hi. Um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Well, can't you see how retarded she is?

Uh, one rock of crack. One crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

One crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? / How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

That should be about 200. Thanks for being so kind. And patient.

We missed our appointment by an hour and a day

Dennis, when you become a veterinarian, will you buy me some new head shots? Hey! Hey, get out of here, you piece of shit! Yeah, I'll buy you stuff.

I'm definitely gonna buy a bunch of crack.

Holding... Do you have any money? Please? I just need a little bit of money.

Did somebody get addicted to crack? I sweat uncontrollably! I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

I sweat uncontrollably! / I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

Why would you do this to us, Dad? / Because you are crackheads, children

Because you are crackheads, children. Yeah. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack.

Are you not wearing makeup? Really? Do you have any more?

I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that... so all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone... by 10:30... and say, 'Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie work anymore.'

I... love you.

I think you're an ugly man. You think I'm ugly? I'm not ugly. You're ugly.

Am I the only one around here who's not getting laid?

Are you kidding me? You don't find me sexually attractive? What in the hell is going on? What is wrong with you people?

Check this out. L...

Hey, guys, uh, can you do me a favor and not get too drunk? All right? 'Cause I got some kegs that I need changing. There's, like... There's some rats down in the rattraps.

Girls can't fight. They don't have muscles. It's not sexist. It's just truthful.

Empty your pockets. Now. Hey, let's just all stay calm.

And a Ford F-150. Right. In park, but no emergency brake. Maybe I could pull it four feet.

You ditched your sister? Absolutely. With a mugger... The guy had a knife. Of course we did. What were we supposed to do?

Ain't no rules out on the streets. You guys got no rules on the streets, you.

There's blood everywhere. It's beautiful. These guys don't have technique. They get all cranked up like animals.

You know who can take a really good beating? Charlie. Charlie.

Charlie, you're, like, the toughest guy we know. Yeah? So nobody can kick your ass, right? Practically invincible.

Now it's becoming this whole big thing. It feels a little gay. It's not gay. Just take your shirt off. It's not gay.

What's that made out of? It's a board, so it's, you know, made out of wood. It's, like, particle board. It's, like, harder than wood, dude. No. It's actually softer than wood.

I wasn't drunk enough. You should be drunk for this. We should all be drunk for this.

What? It's like 11:00 in the morning here. We don't care. Open the door. Surprise, bitch.

Every time I'm gonna take... Why can't you just take it off? Just take it off. You're ruining the moment.

Clown Baby. Clown Ba... Clown Baby? Yeah. You mean like a baby clown? Not a baby clown. A clown ba... It's like a baby... It's like a clown that is a baby.

Nobody's gonna bet on a guy named Clown Baby. He's gonna be a huge underdog. Which means we stand to make even more money off him.

He's in jail with Dee. / What? / Apparently they got all hopped up on amphetamines... and beat the shit out of some guy in front of the bar.

I had to change the bet... a little. / You bet against me? / I bet against you.

Where did you get that money? I had to change the bet... a little. You bet against me? I bet against you.

I could have taken a dive. I wouldn't have had to get my ass kicked. Mac, it had to look real.

You know what? Stab this son of a bitch. Oh, wait a second. Oh, come on, Mac. Don't be like that, man.

Are you kidding me? Are... You guys are the Wildcats? Jesus Christ! Is anyone absent? Anyone tall? What are those, flip-flops?

Jesus, kid. Did you not wear shoes? You don't know? Did anyone else not bring shoes?

Yeah, it could be a guy who's never participated in any kind of sporting event ever. / Yeah, or it could be a girl. That's enough said, right?

Quite frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I banged her. I don't get it.

Hey, Chris, you in there? Chris, come on, buddy. Let's go. / What the hell are you doing? The game's about to start. / I got a new bike.

Dad, will you look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me it's not blotchy?

Listen. It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. There's only one thing we know for sure... It's a goddamn gold mine.

Did my face look fat?

does my face look fat to you?

remember how you would pass out at parties... and Dennis would tea-bag you?

Everybody loved those photos, Matty... My balls on your chin... I got a whole shoe box of those things

why did you pause before you said 'no' earlier?

Remember the time you said you'd kiss him... if he ate a horse turd? He ate the whole turd.

The priest may not do it because she's getting old... Your skin's all blotchy... You got the crow's-feet

I've been fasting for three days, so I probably look good

These things are hilarious. - These are priceless. - What are you guys lookin'at? - Uh, Garbage Pail Kids. - Heavin' Steven.

Deandra, a woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. - Awful. - How is she awful? - Hates freedom.

Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac as campaign manager... raise their hand. - The people have spoken. You're out.

You gotta be shakin' hands. You gotta be kissin' babies. - I don't like babies.

Take him down. - This is a goddamn coup!

Don't take it personally, Dad. That's just politics.

Absolutely. I say we put 'em on busses, ship 'em over to Iraq... make 'em fight the terrorists.

I didn't wanna say this before, but you don't have Kennedy hair. - All right! Oh, God! - You don't have the jawline.

We're gonna shoot a commercial, get it on public access, get the message out. - It's a million-dollar bill pal.

I could be a legitimate politician. - Really do some good in Philadelphia. - You've never done any good for anybody ever! - You're just jealous!

Dude, you and my dad share this futon? - No. No, we... No, we got a whole different situation worked out.

I can't read these words. They're not in the right order. - I think you might be dyslexic.

Hello, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot.

Taxes. They'll be lower, son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.

Rape? I was accused of... Okay, statutory, first of all. Not... I kissed her. She was a year younger than me.

Oh, yeah. I googled 'comptroller.' Turns out that this guy's really just a glorified accountant.

I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you. - Well, that was stupid.

Failure implies that she actually tried to be an actor.

New Orleans was washed away in that terrible storm.

We want real girls going wild. It's important to see the transition. You want to watch the process.

You girls have gone wild! You've gone wild!

Except for the levees.

We gave people too much freedom. That's the problem! All they do is exploit it!

Whose fault is that, Captain America?

I am not banging my sister!

Can we use some adult language, just for a couple minutes?

There's a chance this guy could be our father? / No. Yes, he is your father.

No. We'll do that later. We'll do that later because it's... it's hard to remember.

No, no. I was kidding. / It was just a joke, I think.

What about you? What are your passions? / There's been a lot of... / Oh, so many things we do. / Phases.

A lot of... These guys. / These guys are important to us.

We went to this lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome! / Amazing.

Who are we really helping? / Well, listen, it's one thing to rock out, raise some cash. But it's a totally different thing to put our lives at risk.

Mac calling An Inconvenient Truth 'boring' when Dennis says it's about the end of the world

Charlie: 'You're not good at that.' Dennis: 'I can do good. I am capable of doing good.'

Dennis mid-speech about being a good person gets cut off by discovering the baby

'Holy shit!' 'What?' 'There's a baby in this Dumpster.'

Dennis: 'God damn this dumpster baby's heavy!' Mac: 'No, it's good for your back.'

Dennis immediately wanting to 'kick back, grab a beer, and watch the Sixers' while Dee deals with crying baby

Dennis's passive-aggressive manipulation: 'You gonna guilt me into staying? Okay, I guess I have to stay. For the sake of Dumpster baby.'

Dennis describing regurgitating his lunch to feed baby birds

Dennis mentioning 'kine bud' to suddenly get the activists' attention

Dennis's dramatic backstory about the waitress: 'The girl who ruined my life, by falling in love with my best friend and having sex with this guy right here.'

Mac and Dennis deciding child stars 'are the happiest people on earth'

Dennis at tanning salon: 'We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes. Just to get a base.'

Dennis: 'I guess the road to stardom is paved with hard knocks and orange assholes.'

Dennis proposing to chain himself to a tree to stop a bulldozer

Dennis telling chained Sage: 'I banged your girlfriend.'

There's no way a mouse could kill a scorpion. Dude, a mouse could kill... It's got sharp claws and teeth. A rat could kill a scorpion. No shit, Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.

It's goddamn bright out here. It's so bright. I can't use my eyes. There's people playing football right next to us. Like there's no room to drink.

Yeah. Like, uh, cooking and... Complaining to your friends about your boyfriends. Yeah. Playing... Playing at ballet. Cleaning. Displaying cars at auto shows in tiny bikinis.

I've seen a lot of people wearing capes. There are, like, 15 guys wearing capes. Why would you wear a cape? What advantage does that give you? Absolutely none.

You done pissing yet? No. No. I haven't even started pissing because you're standing next to me, you're talking to me. It's making me nervous, and I can't do my thing.

No. You messed up. It's too high. It doesn't look right on you. Too high? No, I'm good at it, dude. I did a good job on you. That's 'cause I have good cheekbones.

Dee, the second any part of your body touches that field, it's gonna shatter like glass. You got bones like glass. You spent half your life in a back brace. Your body's, like, 90% scoliosis, Dee.

The unibrow. Yeah. The eczema. The acne. He's definitely a McPoyle. There are so many of those people.

That was not Donovan McNabb! That was not Donovan McNabb! Yes, it was. It was like a McDonald's plug. Was that the guy from The Cosby Show? That's not the guy from... Yeah. He was married to Sondra. Alvin. Alvin.

Ah. Uh, hitting's not really my thing, Coach. Spoken like a true champion. You just might make the team. Awesome. Really? Jesus Christ.

My form is perfect. I'm like Jerry Rice. Feel that stride. So fluid and fast. I've got the stride of a gazelle. A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person.

No. No. Those storklike legs... they act like pendulums. And on the bottoms of those pendulums, feet like wrecking balls.

Oh, that's not good. That's not good. No. That could come back and bite us in the ass. That's not a good thing.

Hey, Dee. Can you get up against the wall? I'm just gonna... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You're not throwing knives at me.

Frank, we're in the middle of something very important! I got news! Your mother is dead!

Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank. I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift. She's as dead as disco.

Would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother? No. Just, you know, get to the reading part. Let's get on with it, man.

A mistake? We're twins. Yeah. We were born at the same time. What are you talking about?

Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense! I don't know your mom. Never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now. Because she's dead.

Yeah! Tell her she's a bitch! You know, I didn't give you the house. That's not how this whole situation works. Yeah, you did!

You call Brucie on the phone and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé. Who's that? Me.

The boys are back in town! I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.

Dooley! Call Dooley. Dooley loves a good party! Dooley in the house! Yeah. Dooley killed himself.

How about, uh... Let's call Stash! What did you do? I set him on fire. Son of a bitch. All right, forget him.

Let's get Z-man. I banged his sister. Oh... Sully! He's got a restraining order against me. Plus, you know what? I banged his sister too.

Wait a minute. What are we saying? We got no friends? Looks like it, right? Wow, that hits home.

You're not fat, dude. Yeah. You're also not funny. I want somebody who does observational humor.

You just married your daughter, Frank. You know who I am? Of course I know who you are. You're the little asswipe who raised my children and turned them into animals, into monsters.

You're the most horrible people alive. Oh, come on. Oh, that's a little bit going overboard. That's a lot. That's a lot to say.

Well, at least we still have Ernesto. Yeah, whoops. No, no. He robbed your house. Oh, son of a bitch.

I will yank your underwear over your head so hard, your asshole will rip in half.

Take the cash register. Take the girl.

But they're not trying to take me anywhere! Don't try to be a hero. Do what they say! They're not saying anything.

They can't get a Planet Hollywood jacket. Those places don't even exist anymore. They don't make those jackets. They'd have to call Stallone, and he's not gonna give his up. Maybe Aykroyd.

Mac or Charlie, right? I mean, what do they have to live for? Not one thing.

I volunteer to rest first. Bullshit. You can't volunteer to rest.

Hey, I wonder what else we could get her to do? Uh, let's blink really fast. Oh, come on. That's awesome.

Why are you covering your mouth? So she can't read my lips, dude. I don't want her reading lips. Her? She can't read lips. You don't think? No way.

We don't want your milk, Liam. Then start breakin' bricks, wet nips.

Get inside their head. And have sex with them. Mm-hmm. Have sex with them? No. I was gonna say, pit them against each other.

Get on your knees, bitches! What are you doing? Now you're on their side? You wanna be a McPoyle, trash bag?

What is this? Is it a boat? Oh, no. No, it's... It's a boat with a triangle in it.

Have your hands been smashed with hammers?

I'm gonna start with the breasts. Oh, naturally.

Peaked? Peaked, Dee? Let me tell you something. I haven't even begun to peak.

And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

And if you look good enough in it, hell... I might even consider having sex with you.

And winners, we don't listen to words like 'no,' or 'don't,' or 'stop.'

Because the only crime that's being committed today is the crime of ugliness.

Dennis's exit line about 'the crime of ugliness' and 'you can't press charges for that'

You send pictures of girls that have bodies like Oompa-Loompas and hippopotamuses!

You can do it, Dennis, because you're a winner. You haven't peaked. You haven't even begun to peak.

Those dresses were made by voluntary laborers who work for us on their own free will to feed their starving families!

Oh, shit.

He knew that if the gooks were to get their hands on the watch, they would take it. So he shoved it... up his ass!

I have no idea what you're doing. Why, it's Christopher Walken! It sounded like Rosie Perez or something.

Well, that part's just simply not true.

Bracketing is a very intricate and difficult thing to do, man. They got it down.

They're enriching the beers, Charlie. They're enriching their beer. That's definitely enriched beer. That's an enriched beer, dude.

They're not allowed to have the capabilities to enrich beer here. Where are they enriching...

Why would there be a pirate living in a Korean restaurant?

I'm gonna see if it's gonna work here. That's not gonna work! Why not? We're not at your apartment, shithead!

How many possible lock combinations can there be? Oh, so many, dude! Like hundreds of millions. Well, eventually they're gonna overlap.

You should really do something different with your hair because... Yeah. You're not coming across at all like a man to me. You don't look or seem like a man.

Every Asian know martial arts? They have to learn it when they grow up. That's right. It's like school.

We both think kissing's gross. How is kissing gross? You know, we just don't like it, you know? Probably, it's... Sticky. Is it sticky? It's, like, there's candy and beer in your mouth.

Black leather duster... tough, muscular dude underneath it, inside of it. Very sexual. Check this out.

I would think of Paddy's as an Enron-type situation. We're gonna cut and run, and we're gonna leave you out there broke and jobless.

Don't give a shit.

Something like where those American soldiers are raising that flag up in that one war. The war where we saved Japan. Oh, correct. Hiroshima.

They make all our cars. They're our friends. Not my car. I buy American... American cars are pieces of shit. Everybody knows it.

Gay man, for one... You're so big and tough. You do not come across as gay. You don't look like a gay guy. That's 'cause he's a bear.

A twink is small and slender... like Mac... No. I'm too muscular. I would be a bear... Don't think so. Not hairy enough. Smooth.

A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power... Actually, you got it backwards. A power bottom's generating all the power by doing most of the work.

Speed has everything to do with it. The speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

First of all, let me just apologize to you for never calling you back, ever.

Don't you wanna be attractive to me? Come on.

What's my name? What is it? Beautiful... Oh, my God. You're a dick. I called you Beautiful all the time.

She is strung up supertight.

What the hell are you reading? In Touch. / In Touch? Why would you read that crap? / We are trying to stay 'in touch' with what's happening in the world.

Plutonium smuggled into Syria. That's gonna change my life drastically. / That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

Don't you guys get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking? / What does that mean? Is that a joke? How could you get tired of that?

I totally popped. / Oh, you popped. You're gonna be famous.

You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats. / That was what was happening! That's what was going on in the world, man! That was the truth. We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt. / That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys. How's anybody gonna get hurt?

God, that is so strange. Ew. Should I turn it off? No! Well, don't jump to... We'll just keep it on for a little bit.

You were supposed to wait and get drunk inside the club, not outside the club. Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club. / That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

Don't make me into the bad guy. I'm going out of my way to make us both famous. / It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.

You're not famous yet. You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.

Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line. They shove their way to the front and they take a shit all over the bouncer. / Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

Dennis Reynolds? Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list. / No, no... Oh, wow. That's awesome. / What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right? / Uh...

I can't believe how famous I'm about to be! / Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat. Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?

Congratulations, guys. You're famous.

Lil' Jeff. Lil' Joe. It's was, like, Jonathan, Little Michael. Lil' Kev? Little... Lil' Kev.

I doubt he'd want to call attention to that by calling himself Lil' Kev.

I guess his head was small, but his body was big. So this guy could have, like, a little hand and a giant body.

Holy shit. No, that guy's retarded. Well, you're retarded.

Okay. So, if he can do it, why can't we? I can't argue that logic, man.

I mean, there's no bands out there with any musical ability.

No. I'm Holland Oates. You're, like, Peter Gabriel. Hall and Oates is two separate people. No. Holland is his first name and Oates is his last name, dude.

You're picking him up? He doesn't drive. Ooh. Uh, that's funny... 'cause people who aren't retarded usually drive. Retarded one. Normal zero.

Oh, lives with his mom. I think I'll be taking that point back. Looks like it's retarded one, normal one.

would you describe your son as a 'special' guy? No, you can't do that. Why can't I do that? Because he's her son. Of course he's special. That's an easy yes.

Are you the point king? You pick up points left and right? It's retarded three, normal one.

Man, that's retard strength if I've ever seen it. You know what I mean? Shut your mouth.

That's your good chair? Yeah. It's covered in bird shit. No. That's toothpaste, man. That's clearly bird shit. No, it's not. It's toothpaste. Do you even own a toothbrush?

not guys dressed like waiters who name themselves after desserts.

It sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you. What, dude? Where are you getting that from?

We need a new front man. Right. You want someone with a good voice... Yes. Who's attractive... Yes. Someone with charisma. Yes. Well, I've got an awful lot of reading to do.

Look, the guy's not retarded, okay? What? Yeah. I was just saying that to mess with you. Why? Why would you do something like that? I thought it'd be funny.

I was just saying that to mess with you... I thought it'd be funny.

Oh, no, he's totally retarded.

Prepare to experience sexual magic.

Describing an episode of Law and Order in full detail is not a story.

You want to be a lawyer? Don't you think you should know how to read or write?

These are different clothes. Where'd you get those scratches on your neck?

He's not smart enough. He's a dumb person. And dumb people are not capable of serial killing.

Sorry, Larry Bird.

You do not fit the profile. I fit the profile, Dennis!

I have a down jacket on, a wool blanket. It's a very toasty situation I got back here.

Do Pepper Jack look like he playing? I don't think Pepper Jacks playing.

Is that Fraggle Rock? Yeah. Oh, Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock.

We need to find somebody who we would want to kill. Here you go, Dee.

Who's your guy? Psycho clown.

Oh, man. That guy's a pussy. Yeah, spineless.

Move to strike. Wait a minute. What are you talking about? Ask her fair questions!

Oh, shit. That's a bummer. Yeah, you're right.

if you hadn't been squeaking around like a goddamn psycho clown... she never would've noticed us.

I know who the killer is. You do? Yes. Oh, my God. Dee, the real serial killer is Mac. That's what I just said.

When did you start hearing voices? That could actually help us.

Oh. Why hello, Mac. Not so young and attractive, is she?

What? Ew. Oh. I don't even know how that works. It's complicated. There's a lot... She tapes it back.

Dennis analyzing facial features: 'His jaw is fat and goes this far back. I never go that far back. When I do, it doesn't do that'

Dennis's panicked defense: 'I'm not a sexual child molester. I'm Dennis Reynolds. I'm handsome and chiseled'

Dennis telling Dee that Mac's dad will forget about her 'as soon as he comes across [a woman] that's actually attractive... just like every other man does'

Random people on the street yelling 'Pervert! Dickhead!' at Dennis

Dennis shirtless telling kids to look closely at his body and notice how his 'pecs are popping'

Dennis telling kids 'Don't be afraid to stick your ass out. That's not embarrassing. It's a good thing'

Dennis and the real Wendell comparing faces: 'We got the same eyes, same nose, same lips... It's all in here is the same'

Maybe you should jump up into midair and do it... If you jump into the air and grab a live wire... you won't get electrocuted. But then if you land on the ground and you're still holding that wire... you'll be blown to bits. I saw it in Tango and Cash.

So I'm supposed to risk my life based on something... that you saw in the movie Tango and Cash?

We don't have any electricity! That's why we needed the flashlight.

That's a... big bag of drugs.

The elaborate disposal debate - kids with shovels, fume situations, solving society's drug problem

We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys... They implied they wanted to whack us all off!

What can we get for 300 then? Uh, you want an exotic bird?

How do three men in their 30s not have $800 between them? They're... The economy is in shambles... The NASDAQ! Dow Jones! It's up then down.

You are gonna get us into that country club... And we're gonna sell the pills there... You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills... You're gonna have to turn a trick or two.

You could make a killing here, bro... Really? I wouldn't have to bang these ladies? No... it's all fancy dinners, exotic vacations.

Dude, I think I was a centaur in my past life... You smell like cheese... It's horse shit... The horse was eating a lot of cheese.

Dennis is a prostitute now... No, I'm not prostitute, okay? Yes, he is... There's no banging old ladies and dudes.

I am not a prostitute. I am providing... Let me handle this. Dennis is providing a very important service to lonely people in need.

Oh, no beer. Too many calories. Yep. It's all about keeping this body fit. Mm-hmm. Ehheh. I'll get you a nice vodka tonic.

Every pimp has a chalice. This one is the shit. You spend a shitload of money on a chalice you're just gonna eat cereal out of...

Sixty-eight tops. That's still extremely old. Well, I'm not kissing that.

This time, nothing with the ass. That got really weird last time.

It says right here... 'No Rules.' Don't be so uptight.

It doesn't work like that. You gotta give him a receipt.

The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless... and you people are counting on the police?

Dee, get my coat.

We don't have no dogs. What... I'm sorry. Is this not a junkyard? You don't have a dog?

We'll take it. And throw in that cat.

Plus we need room for Agent Bauer.

It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat. He has a name... Agent Jack Bauer.

You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat. Yeah, dude. Then you can wear all the disguises you want.

Say, what'd this guy do? We caught him diddling kids over at a playground. Yeah, he's a perv. We're gonna bust him up good.

I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week. We will jam and jam and jam until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam.

Goddamn It, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be a good idea, except it's not a dance contest. It's a dance marathon.

I put the bar under the 'Pride' section... things that you're proud of. It's a 'Z,' Charlie! Prize!

Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie! Your illiteracy is screwing us!

We're gonna dance our asses off!

We're not gonna win the bar back with some dance you did in 1989.

Rickety Cricket. I suppose you're here to win the bar because we ruined your life.

Because you're the best at scheming. We need you on the outside running things. Take a knee.

We did just screw him over to kick him out of the contest, right? Absolutely, yeah. What?

And by the way, Frank, when we get the bar back, you're ranked last!

'Engaged.' That's just a word. It doesn't mean anything.

Now, you're not nearly as beautiful as she is, but I can use my imagination.

It was like a ballet. How did he remember that choreography? It was 20 years ago.

Would you describe these pieces more savory or succulent... It's definitely way too over cooked to be succulent, but it's still pretty delicious... Now, what if we insert it in beer? Do you think that would help like regain it's succulence.

Someone who sweats as much as you should not work with food.

You know, a really great hunter would go after something that can hunt him back... Like a man!

Like a man! Hell yeah, dude, a man? Don't even joke about hunting a man

That's Rambo, dude... You just described the plot of Rambo.

That's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's like.

Check out his legs. See how they're almost tierd? They're like pretty much back to perfect... And check out his cane. Looks like he's whittled it into some sort of defensive tool.

Yeah, we are. Stack on 'em... No, we're gonna hunt you.

Well, I suppose we do some tea-bag related.

You're talking about Rambo again... You're thinking about John Rambo's life, every time.

I laser. It's like a turtle shell down there.

Ok, how did his legs just do that? I'm not doing that, Dennis. No, that was incredibly dangerous.

Tag! You're it!... Tag, you're it? And a knife? What the hell is this, man?

You gorilla masked me?... Yes! Bro, you gotta admit. I had so much more awesome than tea-bagging.

You put your balls in my mouth while I was sleeping?... Yeah, man, twice... That's rape... Yeah, I know... That is borderline rape.

I can't do this. They're not coming off, seriously... I used airplane glue, bro. That's gonna be your look for a while.

Guess it's just us. It's just you and us, and a.. couple pairs of sour sweaty balls.

You're not the decision-making type. / As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision. / I'm sorry but when did you become the brains? / I'm sorry I've always been the brains.

Are you kidding me? Gasoline's, like, a thousand times more expensive than electricity.

What are your talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I? / You're the looks. / Hey of course I'm the looks, but I was seeing myself as the brains and the looks.

It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow! / Not gay sex. / Okay. / Okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like.

Not gay sex. Okay. Okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like.

And you want him to think that you're going to take a dump or...? / Seriously, that's what that looks like?

It's not a rape van. It's a spy van. / It looks very much like a rape van to me but whatever.

I was going to eliminate everybody else and be the only surviving heir, so... help. / So when you say 'eliminate,' you mean you were going to kill me? / I don't know. No, yes, maybe I was going to; maybe I wasn't.

Oh, my God, I feel like you're really focused on one tiny part of what I'm trying to talk about here. / It's a very big part of your... / It's just a couple of words.

Wait for it... / Gasoline. / Excuse me. / Don't rush me. / Don't rush him.

These are gorgeous women with heaving breasts. / Yeah. Why? / Well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...

My boss is a woman. / Really? / Your boss is a woman? / Now, this is a strange bank.

You know... I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you in the back and 'change' your mind?

Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex? / What are you doing, hmm? / I'm pulling a wild card here, man, so...

You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off, that should be a rule. Can that be a rule? / Yes, that's a rule. / Oh, yeah?! Oh, yeah?! Back off! / Wild card, baby!

You're about to experience the hard knocks of a free market, bitch. Get ready to feel it where it hurts. / Your dick. / No, no, not his dick. His wallet. / Your wallet.

How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid? / I know how to count, dude.

I, for one, suggest me blowing fireballs to get that attention. / Fireballs? / Where is that coming from?

Wow. Okay, wow, I take back everything I just said.

Goddamn it! You burned my head! / Oh, I did. I burned him. / Really? / Easy, camper, easy, camper.

Do you have anything other than a towel and duct tape? Not really.

we're going to be done with your plans for a little while. 'Cause the system you set up, it ain't working.

What happened was, we confused your bossiness with braininess, and those two are very different things.

We're going to steal Frank's rape van because driving around with all that gasoline is ruing the interior of my car, and I just... I won't have it.

Why would we need disguises, Charlie? / So people don't know who we are, you know. / They already don't know who we are.

Hello, ma'am. Well, what a lovely housedress. / Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good. / Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.

Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn! / I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.

Frank is the muscle. / What? / The reason that shit hasn't been working out for us is because we are not working with our full crew. I'm the brains, you're the looks, Charlie's the wild card, and Frank is the muscle. / Well, what's Dee? / She's the useless chick.

She's the useless chick. Yeah!

I got Dee to admit to things she never did! / Well, then it works.

It is really astonishing how bad your idea is. Go sit down. The adults are working.

I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard, and then you guys would talk about how ugly you think I am, and compare me to some sort of giant bird. You look so much like a bird. Dennis, I was thinking fish recently.

Dennis, I was thinking fish recently. / Really? / Yeah. Her eyes are so far apart, they're like they're on...

Why would he not want a C...? I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro

Don't flatter yourself. You're not going to be up there because I'm going to be the face of Paddy's Bar.

You're... ugly. What? Ugly? I'm ugly? With that anteater nose, you're telling me I'm ugly.

My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David.

You, on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone.

Dennis Reynolds, 40 feet tall and shirtless. It's going to be so perfect!

I don't think he has a point. I'm a stallion.

What's the pay? The pay, sir, is getting your face 40 feet up on a billboard. So there's no pay then?

Competitions like this aren't about money. They're about fame. They are about putting yourself on display to the world and saying, 'I'm good enough because I beat everyone else'

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit. It is shit. This is a barnyard.

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit. / It is shit. This is a barnyard.

Rex, are you kidding me? Seriously, are you just gonna step right in it? I want to win, bro. Billboard.

Dennis, your mule is shit. I'm no longer turned on by mules. You gave Rex jaguar! There aren't jaguars in barns.

Jesus Christ, Frank. I got burns! Nobody's gonna throw detergent in my eyeballs on a runway, Frank!

PatheticGirl43 here coming to you live with Philadelphia's next hot model Dennis Reynolds. Dennis, tell us what it's like to be so handsome.

Well, I like to think I've been this handsome since birth, possibly even earlier.

It's a YouTube video that me, Dee and Charlie just made that's gonna get a million hits. So guess what, pal. Don't need your billboard. I'm going viral.

I put it up right after you called me ugly. There's no billboard? Oh, yeah, sorry about that, Rex.

- Oh, Jesus. - You see what I was going for, right? - How badass is that?

when I wasn't around, I saw him smashing one. Smashing it?

Well, I mean, you banged the waitress. do I even have to explain that to you? That kind of rubbed me the wrong way, dude.

Dennis declaring Mac his 'best friend' right in front of Charlie, causing immediate awkward tension

I'm thunder struck. I didn't mean to thunder strike you

He's on to us.

Dennis's desperate attempt to bond with Charlie: 'that's what friends do: they let each other stay at each other's apartments, and they hang out with each other'

yeah... I was going to stay in Mac's room. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Well, I mean there's... 24 beers there, if I'm counting right. - 12 for me and 12 for Mac.

That's kind of foreign, so... I got Clue... Complicated stuff there. I don't like counting.

Not that many times. If you get it once, you've won the game. So... you're... Kind of in... I'm in your way.

The awkward physical comedy of Charlie and Dennis bumping into each other and repeatedly saying 'I'm in your way'

Oh, cool. Did you get one for me? I did... not.

Don. Don. Typical. Did you get a last name on this chump? Yeah, Johnson. Yeah, sounds like a real sucker.

Don Johnson's the dude from Miami Vice, Charlie. I'm sure there's plenty of Don Johnsons running around Philly, dude.

They smell really bad. Really bad. I'm surprised you've been able to be in here for this long without cracking a window or something.

I think Mac's banging the waitress. And when he breaks your heart, I'll be here to pick up the pieces

Dennis's dramatic accusation: 'I think Mac's banging the waitress' followed by his friendship pitch

You've been banging the waitress? How'd you know that? You're my blood brother, man. I know more about you than you know about yourself.

What is this? What am I seeing? Nothing, man. You're having a dream right now. You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake.

So, what I did is I planted that walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom. We're gonna switch your walkie to that channel

"Waitress." One star. Not good.

'Cause I turned it off. What do you mean, you turned it off? I don't want to listen to this, man!

Let's put it this way, you won't be able to see anybody's face, you know what I'm saying? Oh, it's the low down...

Well... Mac's gay.

If I get all balled up and small, I get too high, and you'll see that there's someone in the bed. the further and wider I go, the flatter I become, like a starfish, you know?

the further and wider I go, the flatter I become, like a starfish, you know?

We busted you! Caught! You are busted! Because you look pretty busted.

It was my thighs, dude, it's always been my thighs. Were you guys humping?

Mac's ball commentary: 'You got weird balls' and Dennis's response: 'You should see Frank's balls. They're like planets'

The three... Musketeers! Blind mice! The three... Stooges. I don't want to be associated with those...

Hey, man, do you still get the feeling he wants to bang us? Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. That's what this is all about, huh?

Wait a minute, so this happened two nights in a row?

Both of you are eating wolf? Have you tried it before?

It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide, or some other kind of sandy poison or something.

Well... I think it's crap. Crap...

Dennis: 'It's very European. Europe leads the way in sexual exploration'

Dennis: 'How's he going to do that with a dick in his mouth?'

The elite sex party password being simply 'Orgy'

The 'elite orgy' being a sad buffet with old people in underwear

The 'will' being titled 'List of demands'

Mac wanting to name first-born children Murphy 'because that was Robocop's name'

They're people! They're lying people!

Dennis's passionate rant about not burning the duster

I'm not gonna burn it! So, end of story, you know. Let's just move on.

Dee, when we said we can't predict the future, how could we possibly have seen something this awesome coming?

But it's not the poop. It's the mystery behind the poop.

I sleep in a king-sized bed by myself. When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet.

He was turtle-heading.

It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist. / Well... I think it's crap.

Charlie, the thinner the TV, the better the TV. That's just a straight-up fact.

I just want to make sure you got the total picture on me 'cause I do drive a Range Rover.

I don't know, "Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome. Your flat screen TV... I took a look at it. It's very, very thin. It speaks volumes about you as a person".

It's, uh, pretty heavy on the kidnapping aspect.

I don't think that's how it works, Charlie. It's definitely not how it works, man.

I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention our names. I feel like we go talk to him, again.

I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits, and I was going to unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism.

Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life

I removed my robe and stood before her... taut, nubile, proud.

I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty.

Not only do I consider it magnificent, but I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good.

Dee, your ship has sailed. Okay, it's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on.

Why is the government not providing us with health insurance? I mean, what is this, like some kind of socialist country or some kind of communist dictatorship?

I want to get that Jesus-on-the-cross look. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core because... Absolutely. Jesus had, like, the best abs.

I want to get that Jesus-on-the-cross look. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core because... Absolutely. Jesus had, like, the best abs.

Mac and Dennis immediately abandon workout plans to get supplements and outfits instead

You just dogged, bro. You just got dogged.

If you know Latin, you know, like, three languages, so... I don't speak Latin, but there's pictures in here, so I think we're good.

Maybe I put some collagen in your eye. You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?!

Well, the year was 1412... No. Really? Let Dennis, let Dennis...

I do not give a shit, Deandra. Now, get me a flagon of ale. Get your own ale, dick. You are my slave.

I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch. You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place, Dennis.

You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall? Mm, the fat one. She's not that fat. Yeah, she's pretty fat, dude.

We have to make our own declaration. Yes. Yes, we need to make a declaration of dependence.

I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay? These people respond to royalty.

Oh, I got some wooden teeth put in. Yeah. Well, all the patriots are doing it, including Washington, which is why it makes sense, okay, if we're going undercover!

I mean, taxation with representation, right?

You want the slave, you gotta pay for the slave. We're not gonna give it to you for free.

Would you like a spot of tea? Yeeees...! Would you like a spot of tea? Ye-es. Draw it out more. Draw it out more than that? Yees...!

so we got tarred and feathered for being Sodomites! It is not a she-male thing...

It's no longer a bowling ball, Frank, it's now a wrecking ball

You get so excited about the smashing and then you make it competitive... You can't even help yourself, can you?

You want to have a smash off?... A smash off?!

How about the Mexican family that moved in down the block? Right. What is their name? The Juarez family I think.

It's important that we get rid of anything that will remind the Juarez family of their old country. Bro, they're Americans now.

what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world? Tacos, buddy.

The first step to becoming an American... get a credit card. We need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt.

So did the neighborhood rob us? Did the neighborhood rob us? And they took my goddamn tool belt.

I will create a parameter with the fire extinguisher. It's the only safe way to do this, okay? It'll be perfectly safe.

I think we have successfully pulled off one extreme makeover.

Move that bus!

Whose face are we shoving this musical in?

The nightman's bad-ass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.

I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.

I can't really move my arms in this thing, so I think I need to rip the pits.

I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro. Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps.

Dude, do you have a boner right now?

Come over here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.

You're skipping a line, dude. You're still skipping the same line. Just move past it.

What? No, don't improv. Don't tell me what to do.

does your thing involve us in any way, or you just kinda... at us...

House. - But I'm just saying that, if... - House. - House. House. - House. House. - Go. Go. - House. House. Flush, Flush, Flush.

Look, bitch, we bought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass.

Absolutely, we can cave the husband's skull in here, yes, we can take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzy free for all with her. We can tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear any of it. In that scenario we have to kill the kids, 'cause they would've seen our faces.

That's good, dude! 'Honey and Vinegar Realty'.

Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's why they lost the house! They're probably at the dog track getting wasted. - Dude, eat my boogers! - You eat my boogers!

Hi, I'm Hugh Honey. This is my associate Vic Vinegar. We are here to show you this house.

I tell you what buddy, how about I take your wife upstairs and show her what it's like to be deep inside a really big house?

She said: 'Yes, I will buy this house'. That is a binding verbal contract. I heard it, you heard it, and pussy husband of hers heard it too.

We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb to... I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.

I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom. I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.

Only because, I'm giving out so much power from the top, he need to generate power to accept it.

Chicken fight! Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

Dennis insisting on 'old-school' road trip with maps from the '70s while rejecting GPS

'Oh, shit... That's Sweet Dee?' - Gang's visible horror at seeing Dee arrive

Dennis road raging at cyclist: 'Ride on the side walk if you're not ride a bike, asshole!'

'You know what? I'm gonna fire beer across his bow, give him a scare.'

'These people are like descendants of gypsies, they come in, they sell their shit, they bang each other'

Dennis's elaborate duct tape safety setup: 'I mesured the crack and the crack is smaller than the height of the grill.'

Burning wicker chairs plan: 'What do you say we smash these wicker chairs to bits, we put them in the middle of the U-Haul, which is metal, and we burn the wicker chairs, cook the hotdogs on them.'

Trailer fire from 'poison glaze' on wicker chairs

Frank, don't be a moron. You start cutting bonuses, you're gonna lose your top guys.

No, we're chaff. No, we're not. We're- We're wheat. Why would you want to be wheat? Why would you ever want to be chaff?

We have no business sense? He's the one dangling from a noose 10 minutes ago.

Dee, we don't know what it is that you do around here. You don't seem to do anything.

Charlie, that sign does not say 'Coors.'... It says 'closed,' Charlie!

We're gonna call a trash man, an electrician, and a plumber and not turn the closed sign on when the bar is open!

We're not in the business of giving out handouts, Charlie. We're not the government.

Mine does not, and believe me, I've tried at several locations... There's one in Franklin Mills I haven't tried. I feel like that could maybe work.

It doesn't work anywhere else. It's only gonna work here... Then afterwards, we'll go out to Fox Chase and use the Power Card at that Friday's out there.

See, by transferring all of our cash into these Paddy's Dollars and then printing more of these babies than we ever had in cash, we've upped our value.

How does this work, Mac? The money keeps moving in a circle. But- But we don't have any money. All we have is this.

Oh, I blacked out that night. Shit, dude! I've been following your lead!

stole frank's idea. yeah, yeah, yeah. it actually is a pretty good one. i mean, the guy's got great ideas. he's a smart man.

but i do feel like she just tried an intervention on us. did you intervene on us? is that what that was?

i feel like you've lost control of the room here and really we're the ones that are running things now.

i am loving this canned wine thing. i think it's brilliant. right? i mean, i'm active, i'm gesturing with my hands, and i don't feel restricted.

well, we did all the work, didn't we? we did. so we can't really pay you 'cause of that.

'You're a philanthropist' - 'I'm a flan...' - 'Phi-lan-thro-pist' - 'Philanthropist!' followed by cheese panic

Yes, lady madam of the court, I do believe that this court will realize that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused each and every one of us great physical and emotional trauma.

The Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series, your honor.

And let the record show... that we are waiving our right to... an attorney.

Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times and dire actions were needed to get those tickets.

Your honor, let the record show that the three of us do not condone the actions of the two of them.

Are you sure? 'Cause she's not typing very quickly.

I don't appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

Yeah, but you only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.

You're totally arm-heavy. You're all bis and tris and everything else is just fat and... and ribs.

And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

I just added that last part to the end there to spice the story up 'cause, for being honest, it can't seem like you were losing it for a bit.

But the point is, we did get stuck in that linen closet for six days.

Let the record show that we question that hotel's sanitation procedures.

Blonde, Chinese hair... And skin of a hot dog.

So that would make you Desert Rose. - Yes it would. - [Snort] Wow! What a couple of losers!

I don't feel we're reading as eagles. No bro, we look like assholes. I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

The eagles are out of ... It flies through the night... Don't you mess with it's heads now.... Or you'll see a fight. Yes, we have feathers, ah! But the muscles are man.

They are not responding to the pageantry at all.

Oh come on ref. Is that even legal? - I didn't see nothing.

What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar? Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome.

I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract! He just did eat it.

You don't have a leg to stand on.

Kitten Mittens? No, idiot. Merchandising in the bar.

I don't get it? You don't get it! I don't get it? You don't get it! Oh, yeah? We'll see who doesn't get it!

Let me show you mine, then you can go first. Then I'd be going second.

Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong! You're wearing women's underwear? Yeah, bro! You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.

Oh, it's a baby dick. Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

We'll do black ones and yellow ones for the Asians.

Oh, it's a baby dick. Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

Paddy's Pub stress ball. You give this to people. They put it on their desk. Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg!

You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth. You want to taste the metal. You want to feel the steel, man

We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea.

How did you get that much propulsion on the gun? I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

Awesome! I'm wasted!

Multiple characters chanting 'Dee' and 'Sweet Dee' repeatedly before she responds with confusion

Congratulations, Dee. You've begun your transformation into crazy cat lady.

If you listen to yourself, you would realize you're only strengthening our argument.

Mac and Dennis movie night! Whoosh! Tuesday night's movie night! We're doing Predator again.

Oh, you look like a bird. That's one. Uh... Old. Pick a new one.

what if one of us were to get into a jam? ... Be silly not to have the other one there.

you'll never get out of a jam because you got no friends. Well, you're a spinster. A lonely spinster. With a cat.

No, Dee. We're more like a dynamic duo.

When was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing each other? ... All the time. Every day.

Okay. Without checking in? ... Ch... Checking. That's... Uh... huh. He always checks in with me.

Yo, where you been? ... I was getting the movie. Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been calling you... sort of over and over again.

Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency. ... What was the emergency, Mac? Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude.

We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month... because we keep watching Predator, and all you talk about is Weathers... and Jesse 'the Body' Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on.

I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said, and I do think... maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.

I feel like I'm not... flourishing.

Don't do that. I... feel like I'm the one that got us into this mess. ... Okay. So you'll stay at Charlie's then. No. You should stay there... because you already said that you would. Also, I have more stuff.

Uh, can't do that. He is... in the wall somewhere. He's in the wall?

Or he won't, and he'll die in there, and you'll have a dead cat smell for a while. But listen, I'm gonna help you out of that jam... That's what it's like to have a sidekick. Helped you out of a jam.

Oh, Mac is being annoying as shit. Oh, Mac's being annoying? That's a big surprise. He bossing you around a whole bunch? Totally bossing me around. Yeah. Typical. It's what he does.

Did he mention me? No. No? Really? He didn't say anything at all about me

Tell him I'm not talking about him at all. I'm not telling him shit, dude. ... No, no, Charlie. Don't hang up the phone. I didn't call to talk about Mac. I swear to God, dude. ... I could care less about that guy. Are you kidding me?

He is so annoying. He's always constantly critiquing the fight scenes... and talking about how he could choreograph the fight scenes... so much better than they could, which is ridiculous. He doesn't know shit.

Dee, will you forget the goddamn cat for a second... and listen to all the interesting things I have to say? You're being the worst sidekick right now.

He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it. He says the skin's loaded with toxins.

I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin! I'm not allowed!

I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall. ... I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature that would support that. Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, all right?

And I bumped into that guy at the video store. Beefcake? Total jerk-off.

Hey, guys! I swallowed apple seeds! ... Are they poisonous? Are you kidding me, dude? They're extremely poisonous! Should I make myself throw up? I would throw up now!

Hey, guys! I can't throw up. Should I stick a finger down my throat? Yes! Oh, my God.

I was told I would be meeting a woman with giant breasts. I was also told that I was to meet a woman with giant breasts.

She looks like a bird.

The way they live, bro, it's... it's like, um... it's like... Preposterous. Yeah, dude! Preposterous! Yeah. I've been trying to come up with that all day!

Like, I'm a man of action, and you're a man that comes up with good... Words? Words, dude! You couldn't think of the word 'words.'

I also was assuming that the big-breasted lady was gonna pay for the drinks, so I don't have any money. I've got some cash. I can...I can get you out of this jam.

They're watching Predator. You want to join? Absolutely, dude. Great. ... Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall. ... Guys? Guys? Guys, come on!

Seriously, this chick is so in love with me it's crazy.

She hates your guts. / Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.

Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.

I'm talking about the DENNIS System.

See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.

A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? Yes.

I told her, 'It's for my grandmother; she's quite ill,' thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and all-around great guy.

Right. That comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

Now if you want to have a Magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay, that's a different story.

I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money.

I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations. That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive. And then we get to the restaurant; the restaurant is closed, as of course, it always is on Sundays.

Oh, you're a part of this? / Oh, yeah, Mac has a very special place in my system.

And once we're on my bed, it is game over. I engage her physically, and the sexual waltz begins.

The pizza's good. / You're the one that's good.

Have her car towed. Or you can slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides.

Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him.

I'm watching you, you bitch! You're gonna die tonight!

Don't interrupt, okay?

Welcome to hell!

Caleigh, listen, listen, wait. I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because I was afraid you that were gonna break my heart, and I got scared. But I'm not scared anymore, baby. I love you. I need you.

And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her. You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.

And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.

Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.

Yeah, Dee, you just don't get it, okay? This is what men do! / Yeah. / This is what men do! / This is men stuff! / Yeah! / Men stuff!

So, wait, your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun? / Yeah, I just told him to wait for me. / He kind of just does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big-time. / He's not doing... / Big-time! / ...anything.

What? No, dude. I'm trying to re-DENNIS this chick, so I can shove it in Dee's face. / What, uh, what is this swooping in business?

Oh, you've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?

I thought you were just my wingman though. / No, no, I'm swimming in your wake.

What are you doing here? / What do you mean? I'm here for the scraps.

Do you know anything about plumbing? / Uh, no. / Maybe it's just over my head, this system.

You know, maybe I should just stick to stalking. / No. / Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair. It could be fun to stalk her at a fair.

What's happening is we're at the fair, Gladys, and you're going to act like my grandma, okay? / My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

I don't give a shit. Look, paying you not to talk, all right?

Dr. Toboggan. Nice to meet you. / Frank, what the hell are you doing? / Uh, actually, it's Mantis. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

You want to have me stabbed? / I was going to protect you from the stabbing. / Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Are you telling me you had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here? / I'm a lizard.

Ben's the only one who's using it properly. Ben, please explain how the system works. I don't know what you're talking about.

'How you told the story was by far the worst part of the story.'

Get your greasy, fat sausage fingers off my touch screen phone

Dennis getting a movie part instantly while Dee struggles, just because Frank asks

'I kind of hate women, though.' 'Oh.' 'I feel like they just slow action movies down, too.'

Dennis revealing he wrote his own script based on Mac and Charlie's parking garage story

Dennis's multiple fake-outs about Dee being the lead

Frank's sausage grease freezing Dennis's phone and ruining his script

Frank wearing skinny jeans, described as looking ridiculous and having a 'Humpty Dumpty vibe'

I am getting a tremendous amount of enjoyment watching you parade around in those things. So I say keep them.

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia! chanting sequence

This year we're gonna jam it right up their butt holes... Yeah, me, Dennis and Charlie will jam their butt holes.

You're not gonna come anywhere near their butt holes. Let us handle the butt holes.

Maybe you could be, um, team instigator... I'll instigate.

That was, like, 15 years ago. I don't think you'd have any clout there... It doesn't matter, man. I was the king of that place. I'm a legend over there.

I chug dick? No. What? I never- I don't chug dick. That's crazy.

Don't do that shit again, you little idiot! Have some respect for a brother, okay? I'm a legend around this place.

Dennis and Frank's drug-fueled rant about the disrespectful frat kids

Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor. You're just a janitor.

Goddamn it. This feels forced. I... I'm not into it. I'm definitely forcing it.

I thought you guys believed in me. You were so proud of me... Oh, no. We knew you were gonna choke.

Frank struggling to remove his skinny jeans while the others try to help

Oh, Flipadelphia! Oh, sh... Was that today?

I am a legend.

Who slams a door? Babies. That guy's got some real growing up to do. I mean, have some respect, for Christ's sake. Goddamn savage. I am a legend.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did you feed us alley almonds? Why wouldn't you tell us that?

She got her dick cut off, and she married a dude. Oh, that's great. Congratulations to her. No, that is not great. No? That is a gay marriage.

Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay? Why are you making that assumption? Because he's with a tranny? You were with the tranny. What are you saying?

No, Charlie, that is completely different, and you know it. Yeah. No. He's right. That's different, 'cause this new guy... if I'm hearing correctly... he waited until she got her dick cut off before he banged her.

You should take your powerful extension cord argument straight to the Supreme Court. Mm-hmm. They'll love it there. Run that right up the ladder, right?

Where's our bible? Where's our goddamn bible? We don't have a bible in here. Yeah. Why don't we have a bible? We never have. It's a bar.

I always thought I'd be married by now. What? What? Yeah. Well, I don't know. I... All that talk about marriage and everything... it's got me thinking about myself and my situation

I remember her dead tooth, dude. What? Dead tooth? She didn't have a dead tooth.

You guys remember her brother, Bill? Bill Ponderosa? Boy, that guy was like a walking cliché. He was hot, great buns. Yeah, and I remember, every time you tried to talk to him, you'd (gags). I got a little gaggy.

Nobody really wants to see that. Goddamn, this has been a really fun walk down memory lane.

Dennis awkwardly trying to get Bill to leave by calling him a 'third wheel' who 'wormed his way into our situation'

I had to break the window of the Datsun, so... Oh, yeah, it was one of those. One of those, huh? His eyes were so yellow.

Did you smell her breath? Are you kidding me? It smelled like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.

I built up a shell. A shell around myself. A cold, calculated, heartless shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage. And that's what she did, dude... she broke that shell with marriage.

You know what, believe it or not, I've been doing some inventory... and it turns out you don't actually own anything in this apartment. That can't be true. It's shockingly true.

For instance, that shirt that you're wearing right now. That was my shirt. And then I got tired of it, I threw it in the trash and then you fished it out of the trash and you cut the sleeves off it, as you are want to do, 'cause that's your thing, but whatever.

Although it gets a little confusing halfway through because Mac and I decided to switch parts. He wanted to play Murtaugh for some reason. Yeah, and I'm not going to lie. His use of blackface I found a bit regrettable, but...

Dennis describing his homemade Lethal Weapon 5 movie where Mac used blackface

I see that you're wearing another one of those kitty cat sweatshirts that you seem so fond of. And you glued some jewels and some flowers and things to it. Uh-huh. Interesting.

Uh, I love you.

But there's cab fare on the nightstand. / That's the third morning in a row you've done that. / We're married.

Oh, I don't work. / Oh, oh, okay. / I just thought maybe you weren't going to work recently because we were going through a little bit of a honeymoon phase. But you're saying that you don't have a job. / No job. / No job at all? Wow.

All yours. / All mine. / All mine all the time. / All the time.

Don't-don't look in those drawers. / What's in those drawers? / My sex tapes.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, all this talk about marriage and Dee being such a whore has got me thinking... I never got a bachelor party.

I like that move. What is that? / That's it. Motorcycle? / That's pretty... Yeah, not like that, though. It's pretty good, but you got to use... a little bit more shoulder.

Now do I write the word 'too' or should I write the number two? What's the best way to do that when we're texting back and forth?

'Miss you more.' That's classic Maureen right there. She's always got to one-up me 'Miss you most.' Most... can't get more than most, right? So that should... that should be the end of it, right?

She turned it into her craft studio where she makes terrible sweatshirts out of cats or... puts cats in sweatshirts

I don't love you, Maureen. I don't love you. I never loved you. You're annoying and you're strange.

It's like her breath... Ugh! It's like always so bad. It's like a dead tooth. It's the dead tooth. I'm saying it now. I'll say it. You have a dead tooth.

You think it's gonna be that easy, dude? / Well, yeah, of course. I mean, marriage and divorce these days, it's like a, it's more of a formality than anything else, you know?

Well, when I heard you were getting divorced, I-I felt compelled to involve myself. / I'm sorry, how would you have heard that I was getting a... / I was listening to you drunkenly explain all that at 3:00 a.m.

And you also acquired Ms. Ponderosa's debt. / Whoo-hoo. / What? You're in debt? / Not anymore. But you are... about 90K.

Now I'm not gonna bore you with details, but let's just say that my friends here set up for a *** adventure... ***.com. Yeah. Actually we're not supposed to talk about... That's true but... Yeah, technically we're doing a couple of things in the hush hush from Uncle Sam... The point is we're flush. We are 25 hundred dollars flush.

Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it.

It seems what you guys are looking for is some sort of P. Diddy-style shrimping vessel. All right! That's it! You're a really good listener, and I didn't peg you for one when I walked in here 'cause of the pinky ring, but that's great.

We saw this coming a mile away, and we've had our hearts set on this boat thing for days now, which, in our world, is a level of focus in which I personally have never experienced.

But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say... We'll take it! What-what-what are you doing? I was-I was doing a thing. You were taking a long time, dude. You're taking way too long.

Well, the houseboat offers all the advantages of a house, but with the excitement of the sea.

Picture tiny shrimp crawling all over this boat. Every inch of it... Can we not focus on the shrimp cause we have so much work to do. It's a shrimp boat. I'd like to have at least one conversation about shrimp.

Okay, why don't you bring the guy in, we'll have a dance competition? I'm gonna be the judge of that contest! There's not gonna be a contest! Stop! Everybody stop! Shut up!

Here's what we'll do: we'll scrape all these little delicious oysters or whatever off the side of the boat. We'll put 'em in a pot, we'll boil 'em up for before you get back. Those are barnacles. Do not eat those. Do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us. Honestly, don't eat those. You'll get very, very sick, okay?

Whoa! Since when are you the captain? Well, clearly I'm the captain. Who else would be the captain. I feel like I would be the captain. I don't give a shit. I'm captain! I call it! Locked in. Boom.

The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse. Because of the implication.

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. You know, not that things are going to go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will. But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you. Why aren't you understanding this?

Are you going to hurt women? I'm not going to hurt these women. Oh, okay. Why would I ever hurt these women? You certainly wouldn't be in any danger. So they are in danger? No one's in any danger.

You certainly wouldn't be in any danger. So they are in danger? No one's in any danger.

Think about, like, all the movies and the books and all the stories of all the terrible awful, awful things that have happened out in the middle of the ocean. That's the stuff that's, like, rattling around in her head, informing her decision as to whether she sleeps with me or not.

Oh, my God, what the hell did you do to our boat?! Uh, we were cleaning it. Wow, wow, wow, what's that all about? You're just breaking everything in this boat. You were supposed to be fixing it up and making it look nice.

Goddamn it, I've been cleaning up in there for hours throwing this shit overboard and you're just dragging it all back up. You've been dumping the trash in the ocean?

Like Stevie Nicks. That's actually Steve Winwood. Right. Same dude, right? It's not the same dude. Actually, one's not even a dude. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

It's bad enough I let you buy that stupid inflatable guy from the car lot. Stop it! Goddamn it, don't! It's not the puffy guy... it's this music. This aggressive music you're playing.

Dudes, you're never going to believe what I just found floating off the end of the boat. Yeah. There's a couple more brushes here and a little paint. Get to work, we'll do the trim and then we'll be done.

We're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party? We got to socialize. I could socialize. Uh, no. Not looking like you're looking. You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of shit, so... You're skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over you.

These guys are more barnacle covered and sunburned than Dee and Frank. Let's not rush to judgment, okay? These are real men of the sea. Maybe this whole thing isn't about meeting girls. Maybe it's about having an adventure, you know, an open ocean adventure.

Hey, bro, how'd you lose that hand? Diabetes. Oh. Um, that's not, uh, much of an adventure, is it? Kind of tragic.

I'd offer to pour you a drink, but you probably can't drink though with the... diabetes. Diabetes.

That was an implication, right? That was definitely the implication. Are we the tasty treats? We're the tasty treats in the scenario. They're going to take us out into the open ocean... they're going to have their way with us, Mac. Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel?

Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel? No. You know what, I don't enjoy having this conversation with you. I feel like you're lumping me in with them.

It's so much more romantic in the middle of nowhere where we can be completely alone, and you can make rash decisions based on fear. Right, Dennis?

I thought we told you guys to beat it. Out of my way. No more Diddy boat. Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the w... Endangered my ass. There's a billion of them out there.

Charlie, where's the boat? What happened to the boat? It's right there. This was a terrible investment.

Who would want to spend a weekend at a beach house with these idiots?

Frank, nobody gives a shit about minutes anymore.

Actually, you know what? I do give a shit about minutes. I know I shouldn't and I'm just probably buying into the phone company's propaganda. But there you go.

We have voices. We talk about the issues.

So, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here. Inaugural podcast. We're talking technology today. The big 'T.'

Dead air! Could you ease up on the crackers?

That was a duck. Why would you make a duck noise right in the middle of my thing?

You're born into class. It's about pedigree. It's about upbringing. It has nothing to do with your present circumstances.

Well, we know you. You could sponsor us. I don't know what kind of idea you have about us, but we, sir, are like you.

And having class means being able to mix with people that are beneath you.

Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like a goddamn zoo.

That girl just jumped in with her sneakers on. These people all have sneakers on.

I just stepped on broken glass. Ow! Oh, my God. There are shards of broken glass all over the bottom of the pool.

Well, now I know why people are wearing shoes.

Which one of you little shits stole my shoes? Goddamn it!

Is that Mexican music?

We're not at capacity, 'cause I can see the pool from here. We are at capacity, sir!

I'm jumping in the pool! Yeah. Plus I'm gonna piss in it.

I hope you trash bags die at the bottom of this pool like Jamie Nelson did.

I'm very much looking forward to not taking care of anyone when I'm older.

Hell, no, I'm not going to take care of you; you were a terrible father to me.

My God, I can't believe that dog's not dead. Didn't you get him when you were, like, ten?

Yeah, it looks like his eye is falling out. You just pop it back with your knuckle.

They could be like The Golden Girls. You know, a couple of old ladies getting together, chasing men, eating cheesecake.

Mrs. Mac has a unique and earthy fragrance.

You need to thrust her into a hostile environment. So that she needs you to protect her.

You need to thrust her into a hostile environment. So that she needs you to protect her.

Yeah, there was just three people working at Jiffy Lube. It's not really a high climb.

She seems like she's never been in sunlight.

It's like Mr. Magoo.

Oh, I think Poppins got into the juice. He's dead? Yes! He's dead!

That dog just does not die.

I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore, like they don't apply.

Dee, we don't care about you or your body, or your baby, or that baby bird you're probably carrying inside of you.

What? / W-What the hell you talking about?

There's a good reason for that, Frank. Because I think Mac just made it up on the spot. / I did. / You did? / That's a great term... browning out. / You like it? / I love it!

Once you throw a term like that out and everybody likes it, it's pretty much fair game. / We can use it whenever... / It's public domain at that point.

Fizz! Fizz! I vant to suck your blood! It's Tvilight time! Time for blood sucking.

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire. He eats theater people. / No, he doesn't. / I think he might. / He does.

And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is. / He might not. / He doesn't. / No, I don't, I don't.

Are we supposed to pretend like you're not dressed like a giant bird? I mean, if you're gonna be sexy, don't dress like a bird, Dee.

She's like... 'Oh, my God, you look so sexy. I'm gonna sex you all up.' 'Oh, my goodness... Get your sex off me!'

You have any idea what it's like to be this sexy?

Frank, Frank, we don't need to hear this part of the story. Okay? Can you just tell us about Halloween? Stick to Halloween night.

So Dee thinks that I'm the dad, but, Dennis, you're the dad. / Delightful.

Oh! Whew!

This close... ...man, I really dodged the bullet on that.

You look like a turkey. / Yeah. Also I would say, I would say you look like an-an ostrich. / Yes! / You know, I was... I want to call her an emu, but I want to save it for, you know... You are big, fat, flightless bird.

Gregg Jeffries baseball card - 'Future All-Star, future All-Star' / 'It wasn't valuable then'

Now, in hindsight, that does seem a little rash

It is either him, or it is me. Him. Yeah. I was going to say him, too.

It is either him, or it is me / Him / Yeah / I was going to say him, too

Sterling silver clover ring ceremony

Why don't you just order what you want? Uh, well, Dennis kind of has the best palate. Yeah, I have the most refined palate, Schmidty.

Well, it's 'cause it's not a shrimp, Frank; it's a prawn. / Yeah, and I don't like prawns, so I eat around them.

I hate salad / You hate salad? Where is this coming from?

Dennis, I hate salad. You hate salad? Where is this coming from?

Schmidty not wearing the ring and being late

Yeah, the Mafia, the Freemasons, the White House. / The White House, they do it.

Give me back the ring, all right? 'Cause you don't deserve it! / Get out of here! You're out of the gang, Schmidty!

Charlie's content with being a janitor and refusing to rejoin the gang

Laurence Olivier in Othello. Perfect. That's the classiest actor of all time.

You're doing a black voice, and that's not racist? I'm just saying that's how black people talk. That's not racist.

Yeah, and you got to make the lips funny. Oh, no! No, no, no. What? They have to be funny. The lips have to be outlined.

All blackface is racist, and that is the point I'm trying to make. You just cannot cast a white man as a black man and paint his face black. You can't do it.

James Earl Jones has a black face! He's a black man. He's not black. Of course, he's black! He was Darth Vader!

Darth Vader was black. Darth Vader was not black. They took the mask off. He was white.

The whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish. Frank, if you're starting with shoe polish, you're starting off on the wrong foot, buddy.

This is an opportunity to screen Laurence Olivier's Othello movie, you know? Then we can get an audience to weigh in. We can really take the temperature on this with a large group.

I'd like to introduce you to my protégé Richie. What up? Juggalo for life. What the hell is he talking about? Drop it with the Juggalo thing. You're embarrassing me.

Oh, shit! Lethal Weapon 5! This is great. What the hell is this? It's our movie. It's a much more modern-day example of blackface.

Turns out someone taint - Someone tapped the tainted water supply. We should have cut him out completely.

What is going on? Where are you? Frank splurged on a green screen. But he wouldn't pay for the green screen on our side, so - We're not in the back office. We're in a casino.

Wait. You guys switched parts? Yeah, yeah.

This is regrettable. You're supposed to be... a noble people.

Go suck an egg. Yeah, go suck an egg. Go suck an egg?

Yeah. They are. Yeah. Our lives are definitely... Yeah. without a doubt.

In the simplest... Easiest... way. ...easiest. I'm tired today, you know?

I feel like you just stole money from me, and then you bought yourself a shirt. A shirt with your money. Yeah. No, that is what happened.

Pitting two pig dealers against each other.

I doubt Charlie can even say the word 'luau.'

I'll show it to you. I don't want to see it.

Denim chicken.

Worm hat.

That's a bird with teeth.

I knew it, I knew he couldn't say it. Luau, luau. Luau.

This is the first one. It's a hat made of worms, okay? And then option number two is a hat that you put on and if you do that you look like maybe you're a worm.

Frank says 'Whatever' dismissively to Dennis's heartfelt thanks for 'the opportunity of a lifetime'

Mac confusedly repeats that there will be exotic creatures at the animal rights event after Dennis already said this

Dennis warns Mac that security won't let him near Chase because of his 'creepy letters' and being 'on a list somewhere'

Dennis realizes Frank's suit is leather, then asks 'Who wears a plastic suit?' when Frank questions his assumption

Mac reveals he's staying behind to 'oil up my glove' for Chase Utley, leading to Dennis's incredulous response

Dennis's 'Say yes' philosophy introduction after revealing his hickey from a young woman

Dennis insists 'she was totally legal. I always check their licenses'

The trucker assumes Dennis and Charlie are 'lot lizards' (truck stop prostitutes)

Dennis and Charlie's confused attempts to deny being prostitutes while the trucker explains 'lot lizards'

Mac eating grass while Dennis points out 'Charlie is not an example of good health'

Dennis calls a crow a 'trash bird' when refusing to eat it

Charlie putting all their money on black at roulette and Dennis panicking

You hit 120! 120! I almost stewed my drawers. She was screaming in my ear. Probably screwed my transmission up.

There's no guy? There's no guy. It's complicated. There's gotta be a guy. We'll go get the guy. We'll get the dad.

The brunt of the responsibility of this kid is gonna fall on us. We're gonna have to do everything. Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.

Look what this kid has ruined already. He's ruined my transmission. He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.

Well, mostly because we're all on this side. You're over there. Just 'cause you guys made it to one side before me? You didn't make it to this side on time.

You are standing on top of a rolling chair. You're gonna go flying through that window, for God sakes. Get down.

Have the baby first. Have the stupid baby. Then go flying through all the windows you like.

God, this baby is becoming such an irritating thing to me. Yeah. God, what an irritating thing babies are.

Who invited Cricket? I did, because I figured it's a wild card. That's a stone you can leave unturned.

You don't mind if I write some of this down, do you? For what? Just keeping a log of the party. We like to do that. A funny conversation pops up, you wanna remember it.

I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick. I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em. The three of us just don't use 'em. How about you?

That's why I had a vasectomy, guys. You had a vasectomy? Yep. You just winked when you said that. Did you have a vasectomy or not? No. But that's what I would tell the ladies so I didn't have to wear a condom.

If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!

You left the hospital? Yeah. I was kind of hungry. Mostly I was just getting bored.

Why is there a strange man in my room? They probably slid this man in here thinking that you were never gonna use the room. I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.

I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up. Do not scream in the man's face. I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine whether he's alive or not.

Are you sure we're not taking this Weekend at Bernie's thing too far? I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous. The sunglasses lighten the mood. Make the whole thing feel like a fun, fun romp.

Without the sunglasses Weekend at Bernie's would have been very dark. Yeah. Strange movie. Strange tale.

What's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or find a laundry chute Fire him down that? Please don't put me in the trash.

Oh! Oh, are you alive? Oh, my goodness. What is going on here? What are you doing with Mr. Craig? They're trying to put me in the trash.

I did this Weekend at Bernie's operation earlier that would have blown you guys' minds - it was very effective. Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady because she was pissing me off. It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it. And I never reference the Nordic gods.

Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady because she was pissing me off. It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it. And I never reference the Nordic gods.

Maybe instead of doing a My Two Dads type thing we could fold in another dad and do a Three Men and a Baby type situation. That's what it is. I like that. An equally effective movie.

I couldn't decide who the dad was, so I brought everybody. You didn't try and decide who the dad was. You just got high. Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.

We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We're gonna be the fathers. It has been decided, so sayeth Thor. Thor said it. The who? Thor. Who Thor? Is that your Greek God reference? He's a Nordic God.

Dee, you tricked us? How did I trick you? We were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad. We were all keyed up for nothing.

So, what I'm confused on is the mother is the father and the father is black And the baby's not black, so - It's all been explained. Yeah. I'll talk you through it later.

Frank's Christmas presents: 'He would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year and he would buy 'em for himself instead of buying 'em for us.'

'Do not speak ill of the dead.' 'She's speaking ill of you!'

Gang's immediate disappointment: 'Oh. Uh-oh.' [Teeth click]

Trying to manipulate Eugene: 'Frank's gotten nowhere near the Lord' and suggesting Frank will 'end up old and alone like yourself'

Dennis obsessing over the Countach: 'You do not make modifications on a Countach. That car is perfect.'

Dennis's horrified response: 'Why do you wanna catch Charlie masturbating? No, I don't care!'

Gang poses as consultants: 'We're consultationists.' 'We pop around here. We consult across the street too.'

Frank naked in the couch: 'It's too hot in the couch.' 'Why are you naked, Frank?'

'I didn't say the elf had no pants on.' 'Oh. I might have added something in my brain there at the end.'

Gang's Christmas realization: 'The best part of Frank's story was how the four of us came together as a group to mercilessly slaughter him.'

Snow machine failure: 'That ain't gonna work. Yeah, it's from the '70s, dick. It's not gonna work.'

Because last time we tried to get a junkyard dog, we wound up getting a junkyard cat

That woman seems like a prostitute. That's because she is.

Someone love Frank for who he is? Come on!

Charlie! Stop wearing clothes you find washing up under bridges. Oh, they're boiled, yeah. Yeah! We boil all our denim.

Mac, you look bad. Really, really bad. You look fat as shit!

Mass. Fat. Muscle. Let's be clear: fat. It's fat.

We're becoming the Gross Crew. The Gross Crew?! The Gross Crew.

I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you. You're not helping my argument.

This is a chimichanga. You are becoming a chimichanga!

No, you're already in your second act. We're all in our second acts-- don't you see that?

your first act was-was shit, and that's why you're so desperate for things to be different. But they rarely ever do get different. If anything-- God, they get worse.

He got salsa on his shirt. What's that smell? Crack. That is crack rock. She's smoking crack!

the man is carrying around trash bags filled with Mexican foods. What's that smell? Crack. That is crack rock.

I don't eat lunch anymore, for instance. Yeah, and on odd days, I don't eat breakfast.

I call them hummingbirds. And although I seem relaxed, I'm actually incredibly tense at all times.

And although I seem relaxed, I'm actually incredibly tense at all times.

Stop cultivating and start harvesting.

What I really want? Crack. Oh. I thought you were gonna say pizza or buffalo wings or something.

The bitch is dead! How could she be dead? I'm telling you her heart popped.

We could just put her out in the hall. We call in an anonymous tip.

I think Roxy would have wanted it that way. Well, there you go. Frank would know.

Drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles to avoid open container laws

The revelation that the beach is covered with stray dogs instead of people

'I think these dogs play by their own rules.'

Charlie witnessing homeless people having sex under the boardwalk

Dee's hair getting caught in the carnival ride machinery

Dennis and Dee's elaborate tragic backstory for a random woman

'You know I can hear you, right?' / 'You're not that far off.'

The montage of Dennis and Dee's drug-fueled crime spree

How would you win pageants? Did you have a different face?

So, there's another unrelated diddler in the mix?

So, there's another unrelated diddler in the mix?

Emotion will be suppressed and reason will prevail. Reason will prevail!

You don't have to say it right now, because I'm just explaining to Frank that reason will prevail... Reason will prevail!

But that dog is turning into hot soup out there in the sun.

Thick or thin?

That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy has failed.

You're a piece of shit and you're ugly and you ooze sleaze and you're very, very ugly.

I like to call it my, uh, my God hole.

What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.

I can't cry on command. / Jesus Christ, Dee. I mean, how are you planning on becoming an actress at all? You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're not funny, you can't cry on command. What can you do?

At times like this, I-I like to quench my thirst with a delicious Wolf Cola.

There's nothing like that... to wash away the sorrow.

Wolf Cola, everyone. It's the right cola for closure.

all in favor of going back to the old system of organized chaos, where emotion trumps reason every single time and we just yell at each other to get the shit that we want, raise your hands.

You told us your brother was dead. Yeah, you said that he had his guts sucked out of his asshole through a hot tub drain.

Uh, well, technically, sir, he's not our father, which would mean you're not our uncle. Yeah, we thought he was for a long time, and then as it turns out... You know what? It's a whole thing, so...

BOTH: The love of my life. Well, this just got more interesting.

The gang's short attention spans interrupting the story

That was Shadynasty. Got to stop you. Good time to stop. Okay, so... The love of your life was a black woman named Shadynasty?

Negress? What? Whatever the proper word was. Well, it's not that, it's a different word. It wasn't that. We're talking '60s terms.

Wait. Why did Reggie get more years than you? You beat the man half to death. He was black. Those were the days.

I don't see a black woman anywhere. No. I mean, there's her, but... That's her! What? Really? That is not at all what I was picturing.

Oh... Guess times kind of haven't changed much, huh? If I'm being honest, she looked like shit. Mm. Yeah. She did not age well at all. No. Did she ever look good? She was never attractive.

I guess black can crack. That's still... still kind of racist. Yeah, that's racist.

Well, I, for one, would like to meet this Jackie Denardo and see if her breasts are as staggering in person.

Amigos, tenemos... Ho! Whoo! Cha, cha, cha. Oh, man, it's internacional. It's on every channel. These are the breasts we should focus on.

That was the Mayans, dude. / Mayans, Mexicans-- what's the difference? / One difference is that the Mayans are extinct. / Yeah, the Mexicans killed the Mayans. / No, the Spaniards banged the Mayans, turned 'em into Mexicans.

We got to stop pussydicking around here, okay? It's time to get in the bunker.

Yeah, we, uh, we converted this old storage closet into a place where we could ride out Y2K.

And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor? / Uh, you've probably been banging in the bunker, right? / Guilty. / I've been watching him bang in here.

Hey, you know what I was thinking? In addition to supplies, might be nice to grab some girls, you know, get them back to the bar. This Jackie Denardo chick-- she's, uh, sparked another storm inside me if you know what I mean.

Okay, I'd at least like to find one, like, Mexican or Mayan or something for predictions. / No, but get some batteries, though. You be the battery guy and I'll be the, the chicks and tits guy.

What's a hurricane party? / A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.

Dude, they have amazing stuff here. I'm totally prepared. Check this out. How sweet is that? / You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

Being of sound mind and body, do solemnly pledge that I do not have a boyfriend. Nor am I currently engaged in a sexual relationship with another individual, females excluded.

I hereby agree to be easygoing, to engage in playful conversation, to always act as though I desire your penis even when I don't.

I love it. Where do I sign? / Okay, again, um, you don't sign anywhere. / If we're doing a contract, I want to sign it, so... This isn't a contract for you, Charlie.

Have you gotten into the cheese? / There's a whole cheese section. I went nuts.

For the good of the race? / So come to the bar and, uh, oh, and I have a contr-- an agreement, and I need you to sign... / Storm's not going to hit Philly. It's just going to drizzle.

We can only accept cash at this time. / Oh, shit. / What? / Okay, well, you got cash? / I only have cards. / Charlie, where's the cash I gave you? / Mac took off with all our cash! He just took off!

Loot, loot, time to loot, loot! Loot, loot! Take everything! Kill the machines! It's their fault! Kill the machines...!

It's the end of days, it's the end of days! Pandemonium has struck. Come to the bunker, come to the bunker!

It's not just a game! / It's a war.

We did the same thing with the name, 'cause we couldn't agree upon one.

Drinking is the game, Frank. It's the whole point of it. / I'm not going to play any game in which I'm not getting annihilated.

He's right; it's for the best. / I will forget, later, that it's nailed down. / He will.

The winner gets to smash the other team's game pieces. / That's the prize? / You get to smash the team's game pieces? / Oh, it's incredibly gratifying.

Pretty pathetic, as you can see from the state that these pieces are in, Mac and Charlie have never, ever, in the history of Chardee MacDennis, won the game.

It's almost statistically impossible to play that many games and never win, but... It's truly an anomaly.

Frank's mind is still fairly strong, but his body's very, very weak, so I think it's a wash. And his spirit's garbage, so I'm okay with it, too.

This is an important part of the process, Frank. Gives the illusion of respect for your opponent. Things are about to get real dark, real quick, Frank.

Once the game begins, you are not allowed to ask any questions. / Yes! In fact, if you do, don't say a question, look it up in the book of rules, okay? / Jesus Christ!

Okay, gentlemen... Suck my dick.

'Suck my dick' as the opening move

What the shit are you doing? / Goddamn it, Frank. / You asked a question! / Goddamn it!

This is how we get psyched up before each level. / Yeah, that's our Maori war dance. / That's how we demonstrate intimidation. Shows off our physical prowess!

What is the greatest band in the world? / Chumbawamba. / Correct!

We made up all these questions, Frank, so there's gonna be a lot of opinion. / Yeah, really, it's more of a memory game than anything else.

How many other illiterates are in the...?

Jesus, Dee, your back is so boney and crooked and all over the place, I can't get a flat surface.

Yeah, I forgot about your stupid strange connection with each other.

'Take the money from everyone's pockets.' That's the best card there is.

'Swallow this card whole.' / Cheating! Cheating! / You've been caught cheating.

Look, Frank, cheating is tolerated, it's accepted, it's like a big part of the game, but if you get caught cheating, they advance to the next level.

Can questions now I ask that clock stop-ed? / Okay, just 'cause you jumble up the words doesn't make it not a question.

They advance, do we? / Ah, yes, I'll explain it to you, Frank. / It can get a little confusing. / It's a goddamn mind boggler. / Yeah, I've never really understood it

The problem is his hands are like... So tiny. / If Dee had gotten this, we could have just... Obliterated those giant paws.

Cheese and crepes! / Dadgumit! / Son of a gun. / Cheese and crepes! / Cheese and crow.

Going to 'jail' which is actually a dog kennel

Frank, see, you don't get it. There's no jail on the board. So you go in there. / You got to be kidding me. / No, jail's a dog kennel.

You can get out, but you're not going to like how. You got to eat a cake. That's sounds good. It's not. You have to eat the ingredients of a cake.

Shut up, dog. / Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. You're not supposed to eat them. / We win the level. / Wait, they're still inside me! I can get them out!

You're trying to trick us. / They're trying to trick us 'cause then we'll not drink it and it'll be a rule that we had to drink it. / No, no, it's fine. / No tricking us.

Eff you in the A! / Fudge on crackers, all right? / Mr. Falconing sons of birds! / Mother fathers, you've caught us cheating for the first time in, like, 18 games.

Wait, look that up, because you guys always win before the timer goes off, so... It means we have to draw the black card. / I don't remember a black card. / There's a black card? / I don't remember.

Flip... a... coin. / Flip a goddamn coin? / That's what we came up with? / Flip a coin. / That's lame as shit.

When we were writing the rules, at one point, we just got really bored, and we phoned it in.

Dennis and Dee winning on heads after all the buildup

The guy that shushed us last night-- is that bugging anybody else?

I don't shush them like they're animals. I use my words.

And we'll pop a shush on the guy and we'll be right back.

for all this guy knows, I'm a psychopath with a trunk full of chainsaws, right?

Yeah, people who could have chainsaws. Or hammers.

Shh!

Yeah, well, yeah... He was raping us... Well... wha...? He was raping you. Yeah, well, yeah...

No. You can't rape two guys.

The guy never quite made it inside of me but, my friend here, yeah... He, like, really, kinda made soup of your insides...

That's him. That is him.

Sorry about that, ma'am. Hi, ma'am. Uh, we thought you were this guy, Dylan Toback.

Mail him hair? Weird, right?

This chick is douchier than Dylan. Let's get outta here!

I'm going to write 'Rude man who shushes, please call' at the top, and then, at the bottom, I'll put my phone number.

I'm saying call me, let's have a phone conversation. Yeah, don't tweet. Don't just tweet me, don't shush me-- you know, let's connect.

I am Dylan Toback. No, no, no... Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm... Don't say that!

Don't you shush me! Don't you shush us, goddamn it. Don't disturb Jerry.

Welcome to Paddy's Pub... the oldest pub in America. Well, that's not true. Right. No, I lied. Everybody lies on the Internet.

I said a 'viral video,' Frank. Goddamn it. Goddamn it!

You guys open? Yes, we are. Charlie, lock the door.

We immediately escalate everything to a ten. It's ridiculous. Nobody's on the brakes. Nobody's thinking.

Dee, your breath is hideous. I mean, it smells bad.

I shouldn't have stood on that table and given that awesome speech about how I was the perfect one to lead us into the house because of my wonderful grace.

I definitely regret you getting quadruple onions on your burger.

You nosed your way into this like you do everything. You are nothing but liabilities, Dee.

I have the grace of a falcon, and I'll be in and out like a demon's whisper

It was very persuasive. But I regret it now. I got to pee.

We should not be committing crimes based on beliefs that are two hours old.

Basically, these people are Southern, and the lady lied to the man.

These Southerners, they probably pray for a home invasion every single day.

She's banging Leno. If she was banging Jay Leno, why would she have to buy a bunch of tickets to his show?

She's trying to kill him. She's still very upset about the whole Conan thing.

Those are the theories of lunatics.

Never should have let him have that whip.

Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch, I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.

There are far too many leather shops in Arizona as it is. You would be out of business in a week's time.

It was a time of science.

You just walked right in the front door? Well, I ran, I had a little hustle going, but yeah, front door.

We are assholes. This is a nice woman planning a surprise California vacation.

Oh, God, no. All night? I can't do all night, you guys. I don't have it in me.

It's like that book The Tipping Point.

I'm bashing it.

I saw a couple gray hairs, and I was, like, 'I'll eradicate those,' and then...

Oh, shit. Maybe that's Superman.

I got a chemical peel.

I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me. Physical perfection.

I'm running at of ten of excellence, and I'm used to being at whatever number.