Ronald 'Mac' McDonald

Another big night, fellas... $164.87.

We're cool! / Not cool? / Try to be cool. / Sometimes you're not too cool. / Always cool, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't want any trouble.

Oh, no, no. We got plenty of brothers. Yeah... A-African-Americans.

Yeah. We're probably related.

But, just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend...

Oh, bro, that's racist. / No, asshole, that's not what I meant.

That's true. They do have 'niggers hanging from rafters.'

Hitler? / No, I'm not... I'm not Adolf Hitler.

'Bout to bust that shit up, Reese. 'Bout to bust that shit up, boy!

You're trying to make black friends. - You're not making it easy. - You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.

Maybe it's comments like that. / I meant those people in there, not all black people.

Physical fight over wallet with photo

You have the most beautiful eyes. So blue. Really more of a blue-green, actually, but...

Business ethics? The only reason you don't care is you have black girls hanging all over you.

No, you're leading them on. You're not gay, you're just really vain.

'What do you want, Charlie?' I'd like you to take a look at the lovely young African-American woman... sitting at the table over there.

It's not that they like us. It's that they don't like you. You know why? Uh, because you're an asshole!

And then it turns out that you people actually are! No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second. I meant that you two actually are.

Because earlier you were implying that I was racist... because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related. And then it turns out that you people actually are!

They're tribal - Oh, they're trib... I'm sorry. What tribe are you from? What? Is it, like, an Indian tribe or...

Are you gonna turn into the mad munchkin? Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?

You remember Genesis, Book Two, Verse Three? And he breathed into the nostrils of Adam on the first day. And it was good.

I remember Stacy Corvelli. She was a slut.

Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests? Hmm. I don't know. I'd have to check.

I don't really wanna join your little freak show. Just looking for some information.

I hate dead baby fetuses, you know? I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.

You gotta get an abortion.

You can't have this kid. I'm way too young, and I have a little bit of an alcohol problem...

We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by crackheads in Fairmount Park.

Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous you drink yourself into oblivion. I had bad potato salad.

Maybe we have 'a social responsibility' to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids.

I don't know how you guys live with yourselves. One day at a time. One day at a time.

The only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is 'cause you sold us all weed. Everybody thought you were an asshole.

Tim Murphy slept with your prom date! Oh. He's getting sad now. Oh, no. There's, like, watering in the eyes. Now he's running away.

These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cuttin' 'em off. I am cuttin' 'em off. These kids haven't had more than three drinks each. Plus, there's so much water, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been.

Are they fakin' it? I guess.

Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done! I know. I'm gonna be sick.

I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue, Charlie. This is made for, like, kindergartners or something. We don't want safe. We want toxic.

Kind of a lame party, bro. Uh, what do you think? Should we jet? Yeah. This doesn't feel right.

Yeah! What do you think about that, bitches? Load 'em up, losers! What do you think about this, huh? How I embarrassed your boyfriend in front of everybody?

The only reason that Sara asked you in the first place is because you're the only idiot dumb enough to listen to her bitch about her ex-boyfriend all night!

Yes, and your eyebrows are drawn on, so... Say it, don't spray it.

He's totally gonna bang your sister.

Eighteen's legal, bro. This isn't a morality contest. Eighteen's not young, brother.

What's the one thing that Charlie never gets? - Laid.

So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about Sweet Dee's feelings all morning.

That's a dude. - No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans.

There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans. - There's a dick in those pants.

She is in... way over her head. - In what? - Debt.

How about that game against Dallas... when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries?

Charlie has cancer.

She's gettin' it removed. - So what? - I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? So that afterwards I'll be... - Gross, dude. - First.

You did what? - I slept with her.

Gross. - 250. - Deal.

Charlie has cancer.

I accidentally punched that tranny in the face. These two guys started chasing me.

Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and... And you never actually had sex with him. So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back.

She's probably gettin' the money though, right?

You're such a dildo, dude. - Thanks, dude.

A B&E? - What does that mean?

We need to buy a gun.

Remember the other day when you were making fun of us for having such a tiny safe?

You wanna shoot it?

Charlie, my boy, you've got the gun fever.

We're like the Hardy Boys.

'Cause Frank was kind of the leader, and that makes a little more sense...

Colin.

Move. Oh, this place is a shit-hole, Charlie. It smells.

I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants...

It goes... Uh, stick it back in...

We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe.

What a cock! - What an idiot! What an idiot! What a total idiot, right?

Did you just cock back the hammer, bro?

Shoot him in his face!

It might be the best idea you've ever had, but...

Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.

I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm talking about going with a group... and intimidate him, maybe break his arm. No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion.

Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

That's me. Actually... Actually, I'm the owner. I could help her out now. We own it together. Not really.

I knew him pretty well. Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.

You're totally blowing up my spot. I'm not blowing up your spot. You can't just claim the girl for yourself. She's way out of your league anyway.

Dude, have you ever been to a nursing home? People abandon their parents all the time. It's a sad, throwaway culture we live in.

I can get hot chicks, dude. Mac, don't embarrass yourself. I will always win in these circumstances.

You will not, dude. She's coming over here to see me. - She's coming to see you because you answered the phone, dude. - That's just semantics, bro.

That would be so amazing. Would you like another drink? No, we're fine.

Jesus, Dennis. This is just goddamn shady. Hey, bud. If you wanna back out now, be my guest. I'd be happy to take all the credit for this.

Actually, I've got a little something prepared. If that's okay. Mac, did you prepare... Oh, no. Sorry. I totally forgot. He's a terrible public speaker. He gets really flustered and he clams up and his third-grade stutter comes back. It's adorable.

This is unbelievable! I know that! There are, like, so many medals in there, dude! This guy was probably, like, king Nazi.

This is unbelievable! - I know that! There are, like, so many medals in there, dude!

He looks exactly like Dennis. I know.

Buried in it? Screw that old bitch. He's a Nazi. Let him die and burn in hell, right? Let's sell this shit on eBay.

Auf Wiedersehen. Auf Wiedersehen, my friend.

Awesome. Your grandfather's a Nazi.

Awesome. Your grandfather's a Nazi.

Mac's confident declaration: 'Holy shit. Charlie got molested.'

Mac's obsession with whether Murray 'blew these guys' and detailed description of the McPoyle twins

Well, if Murray is, like, fondling or touching them, whatever... I get it, all right? But if he's dishing out blow jobs, come on.

Mac's realization and outrage: 'then why didn't I get blown?'

You have no room to talk. All the girls you've molested. Whoa, whoa. Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay? This is serious.

You know when you get real tight, like, right up in here in this area here? You know what I mean? Not here. Like right in here. What are you doing?

So, the assailant doesn't go after the one he finds most attractive... this guy. He goes after the weakest he can find.

Mac explaining Charlie was too psychotic to molest: 'his face would turn purple and he'd start biting things'

Mac on the McPoyles: 'They were prime real estate. I'm sure he went to town on them.'

Do you have, like, a little throat or something?

Well, that was awkward. / Yes, it was. / Sort of a private conversation.

So when you say you're giving your money away to poor people... do you mean, like, 'Mexico' poor, or can it be, like, 'me and Charlie' poor?

That's the spirit that beat the Japanese!

Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you.

I have polio. Oh. And I have polio... He has polio too. Mm-hmm.

I have polio. / He has polio too.

I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl about my withered legs, then... / A million dollars?

War hero coming through. How you doing? War hero. So... kind of a big deal.

Are you people all pretending to be handicapped? / Mind your own business.

We don't have any... legal recourse. / No. / All right. I think I follow, fellas. / All right. We don't have any... Legal recourse. / What you're saying is, uh, we got to get creative.

No, of course we're mistaken. No, no, no. Yeah, no. We're mistaken. No, we would never want to implicate certain parties...

Jewish, okay? He's Jewish. Don't use the word 'Jew.' / I don't appreciate that. / That is a racial slur, Charlie, and... / Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew is not a racial slur.

Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew is not a racial slur... It's about the context. If you use the right context... you're good.

Well, okay. There's a war on terror, Charlie. / Have you ever seen CNN? / Okay. George Bush right now... / Well, start from the beginning. / Saddam Hussein has the oil. / We have decided to help the people of Israel... To give our oil back to us... By defeating Saddam Hussein.

This Jew's in for a ton of work. / Oh! / Whoa. What? / Come on, man. You can't say things like that. / What did I say? / You dropped a hard 'J' on us.

This Jew's in for a ton of work. Oh! Whoa. What? You dropped a hard 'J' on us.

These eggs are organic. They're, like, three times the size of normal eggs and twice the price. If this doesn't show this guy we mean business, nothing's gonna.

What? Where does... What the hell is this? He put up a fence. / He didn't notice the toilet paper? He put up a fence. / He walled us in! / He walled us in!

Visual: Gang discovers Ari has walled them into their own bar with a fence

Squeeze through there. / It gets thinner, Dennis! Wait! Don't push me! / Wait, wait, wait! My toe's caught in the fence! / Go back! / That's fine. Just go back. Just go back. / I can't move!

Cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing, dude? That's what those tapes sound like.

That's what those tapes sound like. / Why don't you read the script I wrote? / I'm not reading the script. It's in English and riddled with spelling errors.

I feel like I should have something in my hands. / You don't need anything in your hands. / Like a weapon. / A machete or a machine gun. / Why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun?

You not make restaurant here. Bad decision. / We will crush your skull with our weapons!

We can't send this. / Nope. / What are you guys talking about? / We're gonna get arrested. / Yeah, or murdered. This is a little too extreme, Charlie.

I have better aim than you. I should throw the bag of poop. / Dude, I sat over the bag for 20 minutes. I'm throwing it.

I have better aim than you. I should throw the bag of poop. Dude, I sat over the bag for 20 minutes. I'm throwing it.

Uh, I think this is the wrong message. / Yeah.

Uh, I think this is the wrong message. Yeah.

I'm part of the gang... or I send your asses to jail. / I would rather go to jail than work with you. / Yes! / Just for the record, I would rather not spend my life in jail.

Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang. No! Charlie... Charlie, shut your mouth!

Oh... shit.

My dad's a meth dealer. - Oh, oh, no! - My daddy's in prison! - My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes.

Goddamn it! Why can you not lift your end? I don't know, dude. Let me figure out what is happening.

Of course I'm lifting with my back. I think your end is lighter. The balls have rolled down to this end.

What? It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and you're piss-ass drunk.

Is that a new watch, dude? It is. It's awesome. And I got a Jesus chain.

We hire a couple people, pay them nothing, and get them to do all of our work for us! We pay them nothing! That's incredible!

Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one! / It's the name of almost every game / Because we understand the plight of the worker

Like weight, power... Something to just 'expediate' the whole process.

Drug addicts, mentally disabled, people with dependents... that sort of thing / Mac, we've got it covered, okay? Dee, your bicycle helmet

That is an awesome helmet.

This one. It's got to be that guy. Don't say 'this one.'

Frank's been hiding all of his money in my account. Uh, it's got something to do with the vig. What's a vig?

We got a big problem here, buddy / The services have already been rendered. We gotta pay these girls / I'm calling Hector / Don't call Hector or Wallace or any other large pimp

Did somebody get addicted to crack? I sweat uncontrollably! I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

I sweat uncontrollably! / I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief. But how come Charlie? Not fair.

You own his hair?

Divorce is a tricky thing. Oh! I found it. I got the hair now. Found the hair. So I guess I'll just, uh, see myself out.

Oh, shit.

What? Cleaning toilet? No, that's what Charlie does. I'm not doing Charlie work anymore.

I guess it doesn't, really.

Dennis's mom tried to have sex with me. Yeah, man, she got naked, she came on to me... That woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her.

That was, like, the best sex I've ever had, Mrs. Reynolds. Like something magical happened.

That move always works with the ladies. Frank, you have never gotten a chick with that move. Really? Yeah. So don't go blamin' the move. The move works.

Rocky IV is the greatest movie of all time vs Million Dollar Baby won an Oscar

Girls can't fight. They don't have muscles. It's not sexist. It's just truthful.

Girls can't pull trucks through snow. Can you pull trucks through snow? I absolutely could.

You can barely walk in the snow

And a Ford F-150. Right. In park, but no emergency brake. Maybe I could pull it four feet.

Just got back from a 'Boxercise' class at the gym. 'Boxercise'? What kind of queer shit is that?

Keep livin' in the past, Dad.

You ditched your sister? Absolutely. With a mugger... The guy had a knife. Of course we did. What were we supposed to do?

There's blood everywhere. It's beautiful. These guys don't have technique. They get all cranked up like animals.

You know who can take a really good beating? Charlie. Charlie.

Charlie, you're, like, the toughest guy we know. Yeah? So nobody can kick your ass, right? Practically invincible.

Now it's becoming this whole big thing. It feels a little gay. It's not gay. Just take your shirt off. It's not gay.

What's that made out of? It's a board, so it's, you know, made out of wood. It's, like, particle board. It's, like, harder than wood, dude. No. It's actually softer than wood.

I wasn't drunk enough. You should be drunk for this. We should all be drunk for this.

What? It's like 11:00 in the morning here. We don't care. Open the door. Surprise, bitch.

Hey! Guys! I can handle a chair. Go get a chair. See what you're doing to him? You're getting him all worked up.

Every time I'm gonna take... Why can't you just take it off? Just take it off. You're ruining the moment.

Clown Baby. Clown Ba... Clown Baby? Yeah. You mean like a baby clown? Not a baby clown. A clown ba... It's like a baby... It's like a clown that is a baby.

Nobody's gonna bet on a guy named Clown Baby. He's gonna be a huge underdog. Which means we stand to make even more money off him.

He's in jail with Dee. / What? / Apparently they got all hopped up on amphetamines... and beat the shit out of some guy in front of the bar.

Apparently they got all hopped up on amphetamines and beat the shit out of some guy in front of the bar.

I had to change the bet... a little. / You bet against me? / I bet against you.

Where did you get that money? I had to change the bet... a little. You bet against me? I bet against you.

I could have taken a dive. I wouldn't have had to get my ass kicked.

I could have taken a dive. I wouldn't have had to get my ass kicked. Mac, it had to look real.

You know what? Stab this son of a bitch. Oh, wait a second. Oh, come on, Mac. Don't be like that, man.

You were in Vietnam? / Don't get excited, Mac... He was in Vietnam 10 years ago on a business trip.

If you don't go, me and Mac and Charlie, we're gonna sell our portion of the bar. / No, we're not. / No, that's not happening. / Just back me up on this. / No, I can't really back you up.

Yeah, it could be a guy who's never participated in any kind of sporting event ever. / Yeah, or it could be a girl. That's enough said, right?

Terrible. Take a lap. / God awful. Get goin'.

Do I look like I need to be on a diet? / I don't know. / Terrible. Take a lap.

See, kids, that's 18-0. Fundamentals don't mean shit if you got no strength.

Elbows. Knees. Say it with me once. Ready? Elbows. Knees.

Don't get all high-and-mighty because you got a pantsuit. You look like Big Bird!

I want everybody to insert their safety pin into their wristband sharp side out. All right, if you come down right on the top part and smash down with all your weight you'll break the kid's foot in three places.

What if I get hurt? / That's a good question. Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you you'll have done your job, and I'll be proud of you.

That is the Virgin Mary

I'd just finished praying on my rosaries. And I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs.

Well, what price can one put on the viewing of a miracle?

I called it from across the bar, even without the cripple braces

What did we call you in high school? Rickety Cricket, dude!

remember how you would pass out at parties... and Dennis would tea-bag you?

Everybody loved those photos, Matty... My balls on your chin... I got a whole shoe box of those things

Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks? / No. Actually, that was a long time ago.

Remember the time you said you'd kiss him... if he ate a horse turd? He ate the whole turd.

The priest may not do it because she's getting old... Your skin's all blotchy... You got the crow's-feet

It's 'cause we said his face looks fat

What are you doing? - What is that? - Why are you dressed like this? - Come on. It's perfect. I told you to dress nice. We look like salt and pepper shakers.

Let's go toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch

Let's go toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch. / Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.

But what's in between the lines? / What's in between the lines is that he has to take off his damn sandals because it's sacred ground. / No! Sacred ground? Sacred ground? God doesn't worship the ground. God made the ground.

The Virgin Mary has left us! She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet!

No! No, get away from there! Get him away! Back off. Oh. What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it!

You know what would make you feel better? You wanna tea-bag Dennis?

These things are hilarious. - These are priceless. - What are you guys lookin'at? - Uh, Garbage Pail Kids. - Heavin' Steven.

We are getting blasted in the ass by the state liquor tax.

Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat who's gonna blast me in the ass... or the Republican who's blasting my ass? Politics is just one big ass blast.

It is a coast-to-coast, nationwide ass blast.

I mean, you have to be a real low-life piece of shit... to get involved in politics.

South Philly, Zone 2, District 37 Comptroller. - Nice. What's a comptroller?

Take a look at that hair... Kennedy hair. Note the bone structure. It's like a young J.F.K.

You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area. - Five head.

It's too late. I already have the clipboard.

What does an intern do? - Cut limes. - Stock glasses. - Serve drinks.

You are way too old. Politics is a young man's game.

That's politics? That's politics? This is wonderful. This is just wonderful. You know what? I'm walkin' outta here. I don't need this shit. I'm washin' my hands of the whole situation. Show you, bitches.

You know, like, in the movies, union guys are, like, tough and shady and shit. - Sorry to disappoint you. - You're, like, a couple of nerds.

Oh. I see what you're doin'. Okay. Nobody here is a criminal. No, sir.

We're being listened to. Bugged. The feds. I get it. I read. I see movies. I understand.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind... if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it. - Excuse me? - Oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

If you give me the baby, I could get it over with. - I said no! - Goddamn it! Just give me the baby!

'Oh, don't hurt my baby.' Like I'm gonna hurt somebody's baby. You know what I mean? Goddamn Dennis. Fire me?

I'll probably stab you in your throat. - Jesus Christ! Stab me in my throat?

I didn't wanna say this before, but you don't have Kennedy hair. - All right! Oh, God! - You don't have the jawline.

I could be a legitimate politician. - Really do some good in Philadelphia. - You've never done any good for anybody ever! - You're just jealous!

Did you just lock this door? - Yes, I did. - That's politics, bitch.

I need to make Dennis disappear. - Ah! Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about. - Really? - I was thinkin' that same thing, man.

Retard. I'm talking about taking Dennis to Atlantic City... for a couple of days until the election is over.

Are you soliciting a bribe from me? - Sorry, pal. That's politics.

Are you soliciting a bribe from me? Sorry, pal. That's politics.

That's why we call it 'Charlie work.'

You're practically a Vietcong.

You girls have gone wild! You've gone wild!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Segregation! That's segregation!

You give her a free T-shirt and videotape it, and the clothes come right off.

They bang each other, Dennis. And they bang each other.

Yeah! That is bullshit! We don't even have one.

Yeah. But he's in prison. He's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

What's with the gun, dude? / I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.

This is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected.

This is our chance to get hard. / I want to get very, very hard.

Do you want to shove heroin into your ass? / I don't want to shove anything in my ass.

This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not shove anything into our asses!

Tom doesn't really count though. He kind of, like, comes with it.

then we promise we will come back with our butts filled. / Oh, so filled. So filled for you.

Are you kidding me? I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna bash him with the bat when he comes out. / Are you kidding me? I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.

You want to huff some of this glue with me? / This is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!

When he comes out, I'm gonna smash his face. You're gonna take a picture. We're gonna show it to my dad to prove how hard we are!

So did you. / How is that different? / I don't know, Charlie! Focus!

Can I help you? / Can I help you? / Can I help you?

What the hell was that shit? What did you do? / I freaked out.

Blood! Blood! There's so much blood! / We bashed him good! / I think we killed him.

Mac calling An Inconvenient Truth 'boring' when Dennis says it's about the end of the world

'Holy shit!' 'What?' 'There's a baby in this Dumpster.'

Mac's elaborate theory ending with 'You just gave this baby full-blown AIDS!'

Mac repeating the activist's insults about 'mainline, cashmere, moussed coif hairspray'

Mac: 'I think I just got punk'd out by a couple of hippies.'

Dennis: 'God damn this dumpster baby's heavy!' Mac: 'No, it's good for your back.'

Mac: 'Shit, this raising babies is easy.' then immediately 'Throw it in the bath.'

Mac: 'I haven't slept in 3 days. I don't have any thoughts anymore.'

Mac and Dennis deciding child stars 'are the happiest people on earth'

Mac's racist Mexican stereotype suggestions: 'pistols,' 'Mexican jumping bean,' 'chips and nacho cheese'

Mac: 'Let us cook him, and we'll be out of your hair.'

There's no way a mouse could kill a scorpion. Dude, a mouse could kill... It's got sharp claws and teeth. A rat could kill a scorpion. No shit, Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.

It's goddamn bright out here. It's so bright. I can't use my eyes. There's people playing football right next to us. Like there's no room to drink.

Oh! Was that the one where the guy from... the New Kids on the Block makes it onto the Eagles? I saw that.

No, no, no, no, no. You... You... You're a woman. Women can't do things like this. You'll get hurt.

Yeah. Like, uh, cooking and... Complaining to your friends about your boyfriends. Yeah. Playing... Playing at ballet. Cleaning. Displaying cars at auto shows in tiny bikinis.

Well, in high school, Charlie was like our school mascot. A mascot nobody wanted. He'd get wasted and dress in this green spandex bodysuit.

Are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for three days? Shut up about that. I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

I've seen a lot of people wearing capes. There are, like, 15 guys wearing capes. Why would you wear a cape? What advantage does that give you? Absolutely none.

You done pissing yet? No. No. I haven't even started pissing because you're standing next to me, you're talking to me. It's making me nervous, and I can't do my thing.

No. You messed up. It's too high. It doesn't look right on you. Too high? No, I'm good at it, dude. I did a good job on you. That's 'cause I have good cheekbones.

What the hell is this? How's it hangin'? This is a joke, right? You think anyone's gonna buy that?

Stay here and look at the Linc? Like a couple of dicks in a yard?

The unibrow. Yeah. The eczema. The acne. He's definitely a McPoyle. There are so many of those people.

Classic mistake, Frank. You're making a classic mistake, bro. Just shut up and sit in your stupid chair. It's your funeral, buddy.

That was not Donovan McNabb! That was not Donovan McNabb! Yes, it was. It was like a McDonald's plug. Was that the guy from The Cosby Show? That's not the guy from... Yeah. He was married to Sondra. Alvin. Alvin.

Oh, no, he didn't! Oh, no, he didn't! That's my dance. That's my signature dance. Yeah. I'm gonna do that when I tackle people.

What is going on with his head? It's too small or tight or something. Yeah, that's it. His skin's too tight. My skin's not tight.

How'd you get in here? What are you talking about? I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours. I think he took a dump in there.

So your bones are made out of glass. Yes! Nice. No, my bones aren't... Know what? It doesn't matter, because I made the furthest, so I win.

Oh, that's not good. That's not good. No. That could come back and bite us in the ass. That's not a good thing.

Let's just throw them at her regardless. Start running. 'Cause we're coming. Ten, nine, eight...

It's her middle school diary, dude. Who gives a shit? This is her diary, man. It's got all her secrets and shit in here!

We are not reading Dee's middle school diary to you, bro! Look, we need to start the healing process. I'm devastated over here.

The boys are back in town! I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.

Dooley! Call Dooley. Dooley loves a good party! Dooley in the house! Yeah. Dooley killed himself.

How about, uh... Let's call Stash! What did you do? I set him on fire. Son of a bitch. All right, forget him.

Let's get Z-man. I banged his sister. Oh... Sully! He's got a restraining order against me. Plus, you know what? I banged his sister too.

Wait a minute. What are we saying? We got no friends? Looks like it, right? Wow, that hits home.

What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion. Nothing sexual.

You're not fat, dude. Yeah. You're also not funny. I want somebody who does observational humor.

What about a bicep? A bicep would really do it. Is this a penis? A... penis? No. It's a bicep.

I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart. Yeah. All right, dude. Dude, isn't that guy awesome or what? He's like a poet.

You knew? You knew that it was a dick? Well, yeah. I thought we changed it. It was always meant to be a bicep. If you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins.

Welcome to the party mansion, bitches! Get your asses in here! Where is everybody? Where are all the chicks? Guess what. It's just you and us.

You're gonna tell everybody how we're like those guys from Jackass. How we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses. You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes!

Why are you guys doing this? That's what friends do to each other, bro. No, it isn't! My mom just died. Can you have a little compassion? The least you could do is let us throw your buddy off the roof!

You're the most horrible people alive. Oh, come on. Oh, that's a little bit going overboard. That's a lot. That's a lot to say.

How did they get free? Oh, come on! We were just having a little fun! You guys still wanna be in our crew? I don't think so.

Well, at least we still have Ernesto. Yeah, whoops. No, no. He robbed your house. Oh, son of a bitch.

Frank, no one understands the subtleties of Charlie's retardation better than me.

Then you will be handsomely rewarded.

'Cause I'm your big brother, dude, and I'm the boss of you.

Mac, can an asshole rip in half? Like tissue paper.

They can't get a Planet Hollywood jacket. Those places don't even exist anymore. They don't make those jackets. They'd have to call Stallone, and he's not gonna give his up. Maybe Aykroyd.

He had a great life. Yeah. Sure. He had a full, full, good ride. Oh, a fantastic ride. I had a terrible ride. Charlie, you had the worst ride. You deserve another shot at the ride. I want a better ride. Oh, you oughta ride and ride.

It's too late for the guys, but there's plenty of time to save me.

I volunteer to rest first. Bullshit. You can't volunteer to rest.

It's making me crazy, dude. Hold on. Oh, my God. He's burning up. Sit down. You gotta sit down. Oh, God. I'm getting sick.

She's a deaf-mute. The only reason she raised her hand is 'cause you guys did. Really? Let's try that again, right?

Hey, I wonder what else we could get her to do? Uh, let's blink really fast. Oh, come on. That's awesome.

Why are you covering your mouth? So she can't read my lips, dude. I don't want her reading lips. Her? She can't read lips. You don't think? No way.

You should be paying attention, Charlie, because this could be very good for you. Come on, come on. You're losin' me. Oh, my God.

With Frank dead, the will gone, Charlie gets all the money. I get all the money? What money?

Where's the real map? The real map is tattooed on my body. Get outta here. Where? Right here.

I can't see anything. Look closer. What do you see? Nothing. What do you smell? Oh, my God! Really? You fart in my face?

I just need to get alone with her and let the pecs do the talkin'.

Whatever happens, make sure Charlie's the first one to die. What? Why? Because of this will business. He stands to gain the most.

So once the McPoyles take out Dennis, Dee and Frank... Yeah. Then you and I will split the money right down the middle. Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh. That's kind of a lot, don't you think? I'll tell you what. I'll give you 25%.

Do you mind? Margaret, you like sweat, don't you? It is 'Margaret,' isn't it? Of course, it is. You know, your eyebrow... It drives me crazy. It's so thick. It's so... dark... and so very... connected.

You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you. I need you. I want you inside me.

I am gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast... not in a sexual way... in a 'I am pissed off at you' way...

It's where he goes to be alone and break bottles. Dude, you gotta be real careful. He's gonna find you.

That was very... hot and sweaty and passionate... milky.

This gun is rubber. Rubber gun! It's rubber? She's right. It's rubber. There's no police! There's no police down there, dude!

Sweet Dee, being a winner's not something that you can become. It's something that you're kind of born with. Like me.

What is this? Is it a boat? Oh, no. No, it's... It's a boat with a triangle in it.

I'm gonna start with the breasts. Oh, naturally.

Because that lead paint is extremely toxic. What? Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

Because I'm manipulating you. That's the way I get people to do things for me. Really? Yeah. Shit, that's awesome.

You gotta break 'em like dogs! Break 'em! Yeah! Break 'em like dogs!

I've changed his diet to only dry food. And he's no longer allowed on any of the furniture.

Charlie, sit. Don't tell me to sit, dude. You want a treat? Yeah. Yeah? You sure? You want some? Yeah. Wait for it. Sit. Shake. Speak. I would like some jerky, please.

A hundred? We got an order for a hundred dresses? Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic!

It was destroyed and the materials were distributed amongst the workers.

I have no idea what you're doing. Why, it's Christopher Walken! It sounded like Rosie Perez or something.

First of all, it's not a jacket. It's a duster. It's like a jacket... only it's longer, thicker and far more badass. I look like Lorenzo Lamas, and women find it irresistible.

Yes! We make a delicious, amazing microbrew! Oh, it's amazing. They throw all the skunk beer into a trash can. And then they sell it for $10 a glass.

We'll make it so strong that people will pass out and vomit and vomit in their own pass out.

Let the men talk, Dee! Let the men talk!

Okay, gang. Let's solve this North Korea situation once and for all.

Winning a talent show that you throw for yourself is just about the saddest thing you've ever done, Dee.

Why don't you go out and bang a bunch of random dudes like you did in the good old days?

That would've been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.

It's like, 'Why's that guy in a giant jacket? Why do you take this away from me? What is he hiding, dude?'

Orange is much more threatening than yellow! No, that's an old system. It doesn't work anymore. Clearly yellow... You go from yellow to orange to red!

No, Mookie. I don't wanna do it. It's too hot outside. Right? What was that? What the hell is that? Rosie Perez!

Because sitting in judgment of other people is the greatest way to make yourself feel better. Problem solved.

I wanted to pluck out my eyes and jam them into my ears. I wanted to pummel you with a manhole cover.

Duster Look out, man Here comes a brother The man is in a duster He's a superfine fantastic man He loves to wear his du...

You can't just blast people with a hose in a bar. They will leave. Lock the door.

Well, I feel better about myself. Why? Uh, all I did was sleep with... a toothless, oily busboy for a recipe. Charlie banged a 12 year old. No, I didn't.

Those goddamn North Koreans. They are some sneaky bastards.

What is he escaping from? Secret tunnels then.

There's always some big boss man fat cat... that needs to be able to escape by helicopter.

We're out and about a lot, bro. Get to the point.

Paddy's Pub can't be bought... Sold!

Something like where those American soldiers are raising that flag up in that one war. The war where we saved Japan. Oh, correct. Hiroshima.

They make all our cars. They're our friends. Not my car. I buy American... American cars are pieces of shit. Everybody knows it.

Gay man, for one... You're so big and tough. You do not come across as gay. You don't look like a gay guy. That's 'cause he's a bear.

A twink is small and slender... like Mac... No. I'm too muscular. I would be a bear... Don't think so. Not hairy enough. Smooth.

A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power... Actually, you got it backwards. A power bottom's generating all the power by doing most of the work.

Gangsters don't sing! Ever hear of gangster rap?

What the hell are you reading? In Touch. / In Touch? Why would you read that crap? / We are trying to stay 'in touch' with what's happening in the world.

Plutonium smuggled into Syria. That's gonna change my life drastically. / That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

I totally popped. / Oh, you popped. You're gonna be famous.

It was absolutely crazy. / [News cuts immediately after this brief soundbite]

I talked for, like, 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks. And the lights... And that we should only have yellow lights... because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic.

You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats. / That was what was happening! That's what was going on in the world, man! That was the truth. We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

God, that is so strange. Ew. Should I turn it off? No! Well, don't jump to... We'll just keep it on for a little bit.

We're gonna go down to the power plant and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer. / Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! / He's making it up, Charlie.

Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? These places are like prisons. / Like people getting assraped? / What? Oh, my God, dude. No, not like people getting assraped.

Nobody's getting assraped, Frank! God, man. Stop saying 'assraped.'

Is there anything about this place that you don't like? / The blacks. / Cut! Cut that!

Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground! / We're not setting a nursing home on fire! / Those curtains would go up like a snap.

Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. People here, they love to... Look. Look at this guy. He's definitely a drifter. He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.

Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop. Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers. / There's the guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! He wears the big, straw hat.

A pandemic. Bird flu! Bird flu! / I think he's choking, guys. / What? He is choking! / Frank, give him the Heimlich! / I'm not gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got.

I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah! / That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

Are you gonna set the building on fire? / No! Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? / Yes. Goddamn it!

It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!

I'm on fire! I'm on fire! / Well, I do look really heroic. / No, you do not look heroic! You threw the box of kittens.

Lil' Jeff. Lil' Joe. It's was, like, Jonathan, Little Michael. Lil' Kev? Little... Lil' Kev.

Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.

Okay. So, if he can do it, why can't we? I can't argue that logic, man.

Why am I not in it? I have a great voice. You do have a great voice. You have an excellent voice. But the problem is you're into all that early '80s glam rock fem shit...

Yeah, guy, move over six inches. Oh, yeah. Um, yeah, so I was saying... Yeah, that's it. Shut up. Soak it in.

Charlie, you're amazing. Hey, man, you're gonna be our ace in the hole.

You're not listening to what I'm saying, are you? Totally.

No. I'm Holland Oates. You're, like, Peter Gabriel. Hall and Oates is two separate people. No. Holland is his first name and Oates is his last name, dude.

You're picking him up? He doesn't drive. Ooh. Uh, that's funny... 'cause people who aren't retarded usually drive. Retarded one. Normal zero.

would you describe your son as a 'special' guy? No, you can't do that. Why can't I do that? Because he's her son. Of course he's special. That's an easy yes.

Are you the point king? You pick up points left and right? It's retarded three, normal one.

Well, then huff some glue, bro. Oh, I've been huffing glue, guys.

We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. My credit card number's down at the desk? Yeah. You mean we're smashing up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk!

What? Glue is for huffing, dude. Get me the glue! It's a part of his process.

The Pecan Sandies. Isn't that a cookie? Yeah, it's a cookie, but it's got another meaning. What's the other meaning? It's a, you know... It's a... It's a sexual meaning.

Is this a page from a coloring book? No, dude. That's 'Night Man.' Those are lyrics.

We need a new front man. Right. You want someone with a good voice... Yes. Who's attractive... Yes. Someone with charisma. Yes. Well, I've got an awful lot of reading to do.

Don't be afraid of a little sex appeal, Mac. You look like a drag queen. I look like a rock god.

Oh, no, he's totally retarded.

Why? What are you worried about? You don't fit the description.

You're like a female Larry Bird. There's too much of you.

He would never finish the job. He'd get the job done. He'd spend his whole night hacking and sawing.

How many people have I murdered tonight? How is this just one person?

What's up, bitches? Hey yo!

These are different clothes. Where'd you get those scratches on your neck?

I forgot about this thing that I gotta do, take care of. I was thinking about it in the bathroom.

Because of your... Oh, God. Situation down there.

You mean my penis? Well, you don't have to say it out loud.

But then things start to get hot and heavy and you scratch me. Which is cool. But you're really strong, and it hurts.

And sometimes... just sometimes... I bump up against it.

But it's like a drug. I just get wrapped up in the moment and boom, it just happens.

And then I do some moves. What the hell does that have anything to do with what we're talking about?

I'm not ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of myself.

Uh, more ripped. Strike that. Jacked. Irrelevant. Toned. Exaggeration. I work out. I'll allow it.

Ooh, not really into the whole condom thing.

I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out.

What? Ew. Oh. I don't even know how that works. It's complicated. There's a lot... She tapes it back.

It's complicated. There's a lot... She tapes it back.

Mac immediately asking if they let his dad out when hearing about prison releases

Mac's shocked reaction: 'Holy shit! This dude looks just like Dennis'

Mac predicting: 'I give you six to eight months before you start looking exactly like that guy'

'Is it the yellow one to the black one, or is there orange involved?' 'Red. Red. Just red.'

Mac's plan involving getting people drunk: 'if we get your dad drunk enough, he's gonna be able to see past your mother's looks... past her skin, all that eczema and shit'

Mac describing his mother: 'she gets so belligerent and mean when she's drunk... she's gonna drive Frank right back into my arms'

Mac's frustrated response: 'Where were you 10 minutes ago when I was coming up with this plan, man?'

Charlie claiming 'I took a crap in yours' and Mac frantically clarifying 'Charlie did not crap into anybody's food'

Mac trying to set up his parents: 'I don't know if you've taken any time out of your dinner to notice her ample breasts'

Maybe you should jump up into midair and do it... If you jump into the air and grab a live wire... you won't get electrocuted. But then if you land on the ground and you're still holding that wire... you'll be blown to bits. I saw it in Tango and Cash.

They fell off the back of a truck.

But, like, what's the worst that could happen?

Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.

We got a bucket of nose clams fresh from the sea... Sweet, delicious nose clams that are looking for a home

These are the kind of nose clams that make you want to dance the night away.

These are the kind of nose clams that you crush up into a line of white powder... They come from Colombia. They're illegal. And they rhyme with 'propane.'

Fellas, we're about six beers' deep. So I think you're gonna have to... be a little bit more clear

I was using 'Dead Presidents' as a cover. You didn't get that? He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

How do three men in their 30s not have $800 between them? They're... The economy is in shambles... The NASDAQ! Dow Jones! It's up then down.

The economy is in shambles. Have you taken a close look at the marketplace right now? The NASDAQ! Dow Jones! It's up then down.

Holy shit. Did you guys see that midget dressed like a lawn jockey? That's a jockey, Charlie... That's a real jockey. The ones that ride on the horses...

That's a jockey, Charlie. That's a real jockey. The ones that ride on the horses...

Now, there's only one thing that these rich old men understand. And that is money... And you are going to be my secretary, Linda.

Jameson is investing in new technologies... Lasers. Lasers!... Lasers, Linda!

How am I supposed to get home? You're supposed to walk like the rest of the Americans. You walk, you know? On their two feet!

What are you, a cat? Use a towel. My mouth's right here.

We have to be very careful, considering our past addictions to glue and crack.

Waltz into a board meeting, slap your drugs down on the conference table... and be, like, 'Hey, you guys wanna buy drugs? We're drug dealers.'

It's a rich person's drug. There's no danger involved. It's, like, stockbrokers and high-powered business executives.

It's, like, the perfect mix of comfort and wind resistance. They make that In men's?

I'm so hard that people are scared of me. And they should be, 'cause I'll explode all over them.

That's right. Hands like a cat. You know what? I think someone just earned themselves a nickname. From now on, you'll be known as Pussy Hands.

I'd like to go on record saying I don't like Pussy Hands. But Cougar Hands would be good.

I'd like to go on record saying I don't like Pussy Hands. But Cougar Hands would be good.

How about Jaguar Hands? Nah. Leopard Hands? Nah. Panther Hands. Nah.

You spend a shitload of money on a chalice you're just gonna eat cereal out of... but you won't bail us out by paying the mob?

I can get a horse. You're not gonna get a horse, Charlie. We can have some coke then. She likes Swiss! I knew it! I pictured Swiss.

I don't think I'm being properly utilized within the organization.

There's gotta be a union boss I can put the squeeze on. Or a truck I can hijack, right?

There's gotta be a union boss I can put the squeeze on. Or a truck I can hijack, right?

You mean, like, rub her out? No. Oh. You want me to bang her? I'm sorry. No! What the hell is wrong with you?

You mean, like, rub her out? No. Oh. You want me to bang her?

Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.

Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife. What do you think she's gonna do... call her husband and say she's banging a whore?

Me? Oh, no. I would never sleep with you. You're gross.

Me? Oh, no. I would never sleep with you. You're gross.

And when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! No! No! We are not gonna come out blasting!

Where'd you get the money? I sold Frank's pimp chalice. What? That's right, you son of a bitch.

Now, I like to cut my sleeves off. It's kind of my look. So I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us, or I'm left to my own devices.

Yeah. Will you be providing the weapons?

Oh! I get it. Okay. We go buy the weapons. We tell you how much we spent, and you reimburse us. Great.

I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.

If something happens to the weapons, I'm shit out of luck?

We don't have no dogs. What... I'm sorry. Is this not a junkyard? You don't have a dog?

Make 'er sing.

The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit... when they cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1970s. We look like Rerun.

You know what I hear when you talk like that? A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her.

Fear is power, Dee. Don't you get that? It's like a drug. Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough.

Say, what'd this guy do? We caught him diddling kids over at a playground. Yeah, he's a perv. We're gonna bust him up good.

These uniforms are gonna pay for themselves 10 times over.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico. I'm gonna be Al Pacino... Nobody cares. Get in there. You're gonna ruin it.

Look, guys, we're cops. All right? We're not out here to bribe people. Will you stop doing that stupid voice? What are you doin'? I told you I was gonna do Pacino.

Oh, you're gonna do Christopher Walken now? I'm not doing Christopher Walken. I'm walking from the situation.

It just hurts my feelings, because we are sticking our necks out for you guys... and, frankly, doing your job better than you are.

Oh, thank God we found you. We are in a very rough neighborhood, and we are lost. Could you please direct us to the nearest bus stop?

Stop playing with your stupid tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms. That's not a... Charlie, clean the bathroom.

That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail.

He's got, like, a liquid hydraulic cooling system going on with that thing. That's cheating, dude.

It's exactly like an exoskeleton!

We did just screw him over to kick him out of the contest, right? Absolutely, yeah. What?

And by the way, Frank, when we get the bar back, you're ranked last!

I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

Just stick your knee into my groin, just like that. Grind your hips and pulse your thighs.

The Rococo Bang.

The Rococo Bang. Oh, that's funny. Isn't it?

All right now, Gloria, for this next part you're gonna want to grip my buttocks.

I've been working so hard for so many years. The cream always rises to the top.

Nervous that you're gonna be ranked number one when this whole thing goes down. You think so? Absolutely!

My goodness! What happened? You lost your grip? You dropped me on purpose, asshole!

Looks like a shit ball. No! That's an energy bar!

You are in cahoots with those guys? I'm not in cahoots with anybody! You've been cahooting with them! I have not been cahooting!

It was like a ballet. How did he remember that choreography? It was 20 years ago.

There is enough cough medicine in there to kill a gorilla. Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

Would you describe these pieces more savory or succulent... It's definitely way too over cooked to be succulent, but it's still pretty delicious... Now, what if we insert it in beer? Do you think that would help like regain it's succulence.

You know, a really great hunter would go after something that can hunt him back... Like a man!

Like a man! Hell yeah, dude, a man? Don't even joke about hunting a man

That's Rambo, dude... You just described the plot of Rambo.

Yeah, we are. Stack on 'em... No, we're gonna hunt you.

Why?... Uh.. I'll spend a lot less time asking questions, more time running.

I'm so exited, feel my nips... They're, like, super hard, right? You can cut glass with these bad boys.

You're talking about Rambo again... You're thinking about John Rambo's life, every time.

It's just like our normal lives, except at the end of it we get to put our nuts in some dude's mouth.

What's a gorilla mask? You put some sticky over his face, and then sprinkle it with shaved pubes.

Ok, how did his legs just do that? I'm not doing that, Dennis. No, that was incredibly dangerous.

You gorilla masked me?... Yes! Bro, you gotta admit. I had so much more awesome than tea-bagging.

You put your balls in my mouth while I was sleeping?... Yeah, man, twice... That's rape... Yeah, I know... That is borderline rape.

I can't do this. They're not coming off, seriously... I used airplane glue, bro. That's gonna be your look for a while.

Guess it's just us. It's just you and us, and a.. couple pairs of sour sweaty balls.

It's just you and us, and a.. couple pairs of sour sweaty balls.

You're not the decision-making type. / As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision. / I'm sorry but when did you become the brains? / I'm sorry I've always been the brains.

What are your talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I? / You're the looks. / Hey of course I'm the looks, but I was seeing myself as the brains and the looks.

No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, Charlie's the wild card. / Oh! That's awesome. / Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup.

Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-Team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghost busters did it.

We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten-gallon hats and their rotten, ass-plowing hearts.

It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow! / Not gay sex. / Okay. / Okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like.

It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow!

Not gay sex. Okay. Okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like.

Wait for it... / Gasoline. / Excuse me. / Don't rush me. / Don't rush him.

My boss is a woman. / Really? / Your boss is a woman? / Now, this is a strange bank.

You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off, that should be a rule. Can that be a rule? / Yes, that's a rule. / Oh, yeah?! Oh, yeah?! Back off! / Wild card, baby!

I can't believe Dee keeps her life savings in her sock drawer. That's a dumb place to hide it. She's an investor now. She'll thank us later.

I kind of can't believe that you guys took your shirts off back there, man. I mean, I feel like you really sold me down the river. The Ghostbusters would never do something like that to each other.

Stop now. You can't do this. / Come on, man. / Only cars. / So help me God, I'll blow this place to kingdom come.

You're about to experience the hard knocks of a free market, bitch. Get ready to feel it where it hurts. / Your dick. / No, no, not his dick. His wallet. / Your wallet.

How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid? / I know how to count, dude.

Goddamn it! You burned my head! / Oh, I did. I burned him. / Really? / Easy, camper, easy, camper.

Do you have anything other than a towel and duct tape? Not really.

Hello, ma'am. Well, what a lovely housedress. / Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good. / Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.

Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.

Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want. / We want to feel you up, if'n you were so inclined as to let us.

Frank is the muscle. / What? / The reason that shit hasn't been working out for us is because we are not working with our full crew. I'm the brains, you're the looks, Charlie's the wild card, and Frank is the muscle. / Well, what's Dee? / She's the useless chick.

She's the useless chick. Yeah!

Who spent $500 for laser hair removal? Right over here, slick. Don't want to have hair down there. You know what I'm saying?

Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword? Your head of security. Yeah. Just wait till he saves your life one day with it.

I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard, and then you guys would talk about how ugly you think I am, and compare me to some sort of giant bird. You look so much like a bird. Dennis, I was thinking fish recently.

Dennis, I was thinking fish recently. / Really? / Yeah. Her eyes are so far apart, they're like they're on...

Why would he not want a C...? I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro

Bro, can you believe how many hot chicks showed up for a casting call for a billboard? How have we not done this before?

2003 Dennis, okay, he was Grade-A prime beefcake. No one is disputing that. He was a stallion. But 2008 Dennis is in decline.

I bet if you pop those pants off, you're gonna find a bird that just won't quit either. I think the problem here is that your body quit. Your bird quit.

Attention, ladies, I'm gonna need all the A cups to please head for the back door.

You get a whole bunch of them together, you make them compete over you, bing-bang-boom, soulmate.

Anya, so they are in fact, double Ds. That's great news. Why should I pick you over the other girls? I'm willing to do anything in order to win.

I'm willing to do anything in order to win. / You're talking about banging me, right? / Maybe. / If you say yes... / Yes.

I feel like there's vibing happening right now. Yeah. I feel like we're completing each other's... sentences. I was gonna say sentences!

Rochelle, you taught me about love, respect, inner beauty. Dominique, you banged me, like, right away. Tabitha, you did the same. But most importantly, you banged each other. And you let me watch.

What? I had two of them. I had another one here. I tricked you. I got both of you guys.

A top of the morning to both of you! I had two of them. I had another one here. I tricked you.

You just said that I taught you about inner beauty and respect. Yeah, but this whole thing's about banging, and you didn't bang me, so... You're a dick!

'Cause I know what it means Totally and completely badass.

- Oh, Jesus. - You see what I was going for, right? - How badass is that?

when I wasn't around, I saw him smashing one. Smashing it?

Dennis declaring Mac his 'best friend' right in front of Charlie, causing immediate awkward tension

Because you and I are best friends.

- What are you doing? - Popping my pants off. - Why? - Because we're gonna bang.

Mac's casual 'Popping my pants off' as preparation for sex with the waitress

Why would I wear a condom...? Do you really not wear condoms when you have sex with strangers?

Mac's horrified reaction to the waitress wanting conditions: 'I'll wear the goddamn condom, but I'm not psyched about it'

It's mostly that horrible angle that you see in porns, you know, where it's all balls and male ass

Friend one, best friend two, come in. Over. I'm gonna take this, and then, maybe a little bit later we could do some hand stuff.

Don. Don. Typical. Did you get a last name on this chump? Yeah, Johnson. Yeah, sounds like a real sucker.

I hate all the pizza. And I had to drink all the beer. You must be wasted, dude. 24 beers by yourself?

The callback to Charlie pissing on the couch: 'if you piss on the couch again, you're gonna buy us a new couch'

You've been banging the waitress? How'd you know that? You're my blood brother, man. I know more about you than you know about yourself.

What is this? What am I seeing? Nothing, man. You're having a dream right now. You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake.

You got to be behind me. I got to have you behind me. I think I want to be in front of you. No, no. You got to be behind me.

I would never say it to his face, but Dennis has great thighs.

We busted you! Caught! You are busted! Because you look pretty busted.

You got weird balls. You should see Frank's balls. They're like planets.

Mac's ball commentary: 'You got weird balls' and Dennis's response: 'You should see Frank's balls. They're like planets'

The three... Musketeers! Blind mice! The three... Stooges. I don't want to be associated with those...

Yeah, you're asking us to predict the future, Dee. How can I predict the future?

Dee, when we said we can't predict the future, how could we possibly have seen something this awesome coming?

We want you to examine our poopie.

You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure, pal.

we should not be threatening each other with jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay?

He was turtle-heading. Turtle-heading! No, there was no turtles anywhere.

Quote: 'eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink until his stomach was full of... your butts'

Mac and Charlie fighting over the microphone at a parole hearing

Objection! That's an objection, Your Honor. Move to strike!

Charlie's plan to tell parole board about butt rape threats with excessive butt repetition

You're not going to say it exactly like that... Sure? That's a lot of butts.

Mac wants to be hobos 'drifting from town to town, solving mysteries'

Charlie immediately agreeing to kill themselves: 'Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.'

If we were going to kill ourselves, it'd be awesome, right? Of course it would be with class!

Wait. That just kind of came out on its own. I barely pulled that.

Man, you should really brush your teeth more because that is not normal.

You could've just opened it.

Charlie abandoning Mac at the last second before the car crash

Pussy.

Mac actually crashing the car instead of jumping out

I guess I was just going too fast. I was going too fast.

Mac: 'Pawnshops are like international waters. Anything goes here.'

That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits, all right? You're losing your mind.

Mac asking pawnshop owner for something to 'annihilate any traces of a human being'

The grenade producing a pathetic small explosion

That's it? Weird. That was totally lame. What a gyp.

Charlie wearing the wedding dress while discussing plans

He's also wearing a wedding dress, though, and I'd like him to take it off.

Mac and Charlie's dramatic suicide video message

Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead. Our lives were horrible. Horrible and sad, so we decided to end it all. Not me actually, my life was pretty sweet.

Mac wanting to name first-born children Murphy 'because that was Robocop's name'

You're not gonna be able to eat this hot dog. I'll suck it down.

Mac and Charlie fighting over the last popper

When were you ever going to use nunchakus? Are you kidding me?

Dee demanding a 'new' 1997 Dodge Neon

Yeah, you're asking us to predict the future, Dee. How can I predict the future?

I did not poop the bed! / Did you say something about pooping in a bed?

Now, the second poop, you held onto it, right? Brought it along.

Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? / It's gonna go both ways, dude.

This appears to be a piece of a credit card. / Inconclusive. / How is that not specific to one of you?

It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide, or some other kind of sandy poison or something.

Four turds, five suspects, so many, many nameless victims.

Tall order for such a short man.

And like a small brown snail... it crept to the middle between Charlie and Frank.

The outcast? The slut? The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.

Thunder of the... chocolate variety.

Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool, Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery.

A turd merger... fused together by fear and hatred... and hair.

"The first thing I noticed about Paddy's Pub is its charm" - "It has none"

"There was an ominous feeling that you could get stabbed at any moment". That's good, right?

That's the exact type of atmosphere I've been trying to cultivate. But, while danger may linger, I'm the levelheaded bouncer that keeps violence in check, like Swayze in Roadhouse. I'm the cooler.

Well, stabbings have been down, though.

Uh, yeah, don't let the hammer throw you, Corman. We are classy, interesting people.

we will jam your asshole up with so many lawyers

What? You kidnapped Corman?

Relax, I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay, so he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone. But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been

Easy, we roll him up in a rug. Where are we gonna get a rug? We buy a big Oriental rug, and we roll him up in it.

This is not a kidnapping. No! But we do need to keep him here for a couple of hours so he doesn't do anything irrational. Just borrowing him.

Okay, but can we establish that I'm the cooler?

I saw that! I saw that! You're out of here, bro.

Like this pool cue. Here we go. [pool cue breaks] Okay, normally, that wouldn't happen unless I wanted it to.

[Charlie eats from urinal] Bro, I really... I just pissed in there, like five minutes before you came in.

Well, I think one of us is gonna have to help his... Whoa, dude! I'm not touching his dick.

We'll both do it. That way it's equally weird for both of us.

Did he get a little bit hard on us? I just felt like you got a little bit...

There he goes again. I didn't know he was so funny.

Charlie, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

There is a slope in the ground, and I didn't... I wasn't calibrating that great.

I don't think that's how it works, Charlie. It's definitely not how it works, man.

I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention our names. I feel like we go talk to him, again.

This is some sweet smut! I'm all boned up over here.

Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi!

And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ miraculously appearing on your hands and feet!

We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen!

What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey.

I just offered to buy it. Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed.

Ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi.

I didn't know women could have heart attacks.

How does an ass breathe? Explain that to me.

I want to get that Jesus-on-the-cross look. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core because... Absolutely. Jesus had, like, the best abs.

I want to get that Jesus-on-the-cross look. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core because... Absolutely. Jesus had, like, the best abs.

Mac and Dennis immediately abandon workout plans to get supplements and outfits instead

Well, we thought we'd save paper. You know, go green.

You just dogged, bro. You just got dogged.

I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days... My body's working at 100% efficiency. My body is absorbing every single nutrient, and it's not wasting a single thing.

My body is absorbing every single nutrient, and it's not wasting a single thing. My body's working at 100% efficiency.

I can't rember... He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the '80s. 'Day Bow Bow.'

Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia. Barney?! Who the hell is Barney?! You don't see Bar...? Oh, shit, where the hell did he...? You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.

He really has an ugly face. He is certainly ugly. But, you know what, that's not really what bothers me about this. What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman.

Well, that proves our point, man. We're not the first people to try and take that thing down.

they can come by, suck up some history, do some shots, get blasted.

Well, the year was 1412... No. Really? Let Dennis, let Dennis...

You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall? Mm, the fat one. She's not that fat. Yeah, she's pretty fat, dude.

We have to make our own declaration. Yes. Yes, we need to make a declaration of dependence.

We're not traders, Charlie. We're thieves. You want his pumpkins, we kill him and take his pumpkins. This is 1776. We'll get away with it!

What? He stole our furs! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You shit head.

No, look. I'm holding homeboy's arms back. Dennis is ready to jam him in the face, and the queen is impressed.

We're going to tar and feather the shit out of her when she gets back.

Bro, it's 1776. They don't have any rights. You can just take them and force them to do whatever you want.

Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing? I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles!

She cursed the gun! She put a curse on the gun! Let's try this one. Nothing!

Hey, fellas, who's taking the minutes here? 'Cause I feel like I could be an asset to you as a secretary, and-- Let's start by taking down all of their names. First and last, please.

you'd think people who came here so many years before the English, that they'd build bigger houses! Yeah. You'd think they'd have huge homes.

Give me that skunk pelt. I'll use it for hair.

Would you like a spot of tea? Yeeees...! Would you like a spot of tea? Ye-es. Draw it out more. Draw it out more than that? Yees...!

so we got tarred and feathered for being Sodomites! It is not a she-male thing...

Shit! Bro, we just broke the liberty bell. I'll get you, my pretty!

Maybe she didn't understand the story. Maybe skim too much. Yeah, let's tell the false story this time.

You're the biggest thief I've ever met in my life

I'm gonna impregnate Danica Patrick while getting drunk in the Sahara Desert on a dune buggy

That's probably why Ty Pennington has such a sweet life. Yeah, man, and he's got great hair, too.

What would Ty Pennington do?

You want to have a smash off?... A smash off?!

How about the Mexican family that moved in down the block? Right. What is their name? The Juarez family I think.

Wake up, my brown friend. It's time to change your life.

Come here, you little rug rat. What are you doing? What's wrong, buddy? Come on, I'm trying to help you.

Can't run from the kindness of strangers. We are taking over your house. Your house is ours now!

Oh, it feels good to help people. Oh, man, it sure does.

In order to assimilate you with American culture, we've decided to surround you with all things American

Juarez, be easy. Your house is no more. Your life is no more. We are extreme. Like television. Yes?

what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world? Tacos, buddy.

I got these cute little brown PJs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping. She's the ground meat in the middle.

She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. She's the ground meat in the middle.

How do you think they tear down an entire wall so quickly? They burn it up.

We're performing an extreme home makeover. So, do you not have a button for that?

Sears doesn't get anything out of it. Sears doesn't come in and start... Look, we don't have any money, okay?

I purchased blue jeans and cut 'em. Thus, the fray. It's a more authentic look.

It limits restriction of leg movement. You're going to get more work done 'cause you got more leg movement.

That is good, you know... And you're not getting any high ride. I'm getting a high ride. But the shorts aren't preventing me from doing what I need to do.

They can learn about how their ancestors used to be savages until Mel Gibson and the Catholics came in and saved everybody.

I can't believe their name isn't Juarez. Was anyone else surprised by that?

Who's the mark?

Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.

Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Well, sure, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.

What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him, and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us, and then that way you can't see the penetration.

I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.

I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro. Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps.

Confound your lousy toll, troll.

Shut up, dude, don't ruin this for me.

What the hell is that? / You know what it is, bitch.

What? No, don't improv. Don't tell me what to do.

Body bag.

Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason.

There's no such thing as bird law.

Holy shit, that's amazing. - Oh is it? Is it amazing?

House. - But I'm just saying that, if... - House. - House. House. - House. House. - Go. Go. - House. House. Flush, Flush, Flush.

Right. Why get weird?

That was a bummer! Man, gotta admit that felt very unsatisfying to me.

You want him to bang you?

I see two trannies shooting at each other.

Hi, I'm Hugh Honey. This is my associate Vic Vinegar. We are here to show you this house.

We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb to... I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.

I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom. I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.

Chicken fight! Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

'Oh, shit... That's Sweet Dee?' - Gang's visible horror at seeing Dee arrive

we were hoping to get out here before your bust arrive

State naming game: 'Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Philly. North Virginia. South Virginia. East Virginia.'

'Well, I mean, you know, gypsies. I don't want anyone shrinking my head and shit.'

Trailer fire from 'poison glaze' on wicker chairs

Mac's 'ocular pat-down': 'I did an ocular assessment of the situation, garnered that he was not a security risk, and I cleared him for passage.'

'The sheriff of Paddy's.'

The weird thing is, Mac had already cleared him as a security risk. Did an ocular pat-down on him. / Amazing, right? / Are you cleared him, Mac? / I cleared him. / I thought he was clear. / He wasn't clear.

Continuing state game: 'Texas! Ohio. Rhode Island. Detroit. That's not a state. Milwaukee.'

Ever since the recession hit, waves of new people are suddenly broke. These people have no idea how to live without money. They're what's called 'new poor.' We're old poor.

Have some class if you're gonna be poor!

Maybe we should take this time to streamline Paddy's, make it run as efficiently as the government.

No, we're chaff. No, we're not. We're- We're wheat. Why would you want to be wheat? Why would you ever want to be chaff?

That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about stars to dispute it.

Charlie, that sign does not say 'Coors.'... It says 'closed,' Charlie!

Mine does not, and believe me, I've tried at several locations... There's one in Franklin Mills I haven't tried. I feel like that could maybe work.

It doesn't work anywhere else. It's only gonna work here... Then afterwards, we'll go out to Fox Chase and use the Power Card at that Friday's out there.

How does this work, Mac? The money keeps moving in a circle. But- But we don't have any money. All we have is this.

Oh, I blacked out that night. Shit, dude! I've been following your lead!

I don't understand how the U.S. economy works, much less some sort of a self-sustaining one.

hey, i'm mac. barbara's ex-lover? she may have mentioned. you were gonna say something? no. you said... no? no, i was just breathing.

well, frank's usually carrying, like, a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.

stole frank's idea. yeah, yeah, yeah. it actually is a pretty good one. i mean, the guy's got great ideas. he's a smart man.

but i do feel like she just tried an intervention on us. did you intervene on us? is that what that was?

where did you come from? i've been walking next to you the entire time.

i think you should bang gail the snail. my niece? yeah. gail the snail? yeah, dude. what's more depraved than that, huh?

what's in it for you? jesus. what's in it for you? don't worry about what's in it for me, dude. my god, you are disgusting. a disgusting animal.

what is that? well... it's not about you. why don't you just write it down? yeah, but you said it. you said 'nightcrawlers,' and now i feel like i can't move past it.

what it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms in the night. that's what it sounds like.

i'm starting to think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.

we told him there was a giant grease fire and he had to come down immediately.

it's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms. i never said that.

nobody likes salting a snail, but she gives you no choice. she doesn't leave you with any options.

well, we did all the work, didn't we? we did. so we can't really pay you 'cause of that.

Do wasp make honey? No, wasps do not make honey. I'm gonna check it out anyway. There could be something delicious in here that wasp do make. I want that.

You don't give a shit about Charlie, all your care about is that the waitress is getting married before you.

What if I wore a checkered hat and smoked a pipe? You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look. Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes? Who are you trying to attract exactly? Intelligent women.

Milksteak. What? Milksteak. I'm not putting milksteak. Just put steak. Don't put steak, put milksteak. She'll know what it is. No she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is.

Magnets. Okay, what, making magnets? Collecting magnets? Playing with magnets? Just magnets.

You're a philanthropist, that's what you are. You used to on a small business, but you gave all they up to help others. Who do i help? Who am i helping? It doesn't matter. I don't know, old people, children autistics, dyslexic folks...

How much cheese have you eaten today? How much cheese is too much cheese? Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese. I had a lot of cheese. I had a block of cheese.

How many people in the room have... had sex with the bride to be? Uh, just me i hope. Whoops. Nuh uh. Over here guy.

What does 'make a move' mean? / It doesn't mean stab at her breast with your fingers.

You're grabbing her breast? What are you doing? I don't know! What does 'make a move' mean?

Guess what, bro? The waitress is getting married, so suck on that!

Some guy brought 'em from Haiti.

when the Phillies are up by, like, 50 or 60 runs

Nah, I feel like there's only room for one green idiot running around making an asshole of himself.

I'll have to scale the building, cut a hole in the tent, smash through the window. That'll cut down on occupancy time.

Your honor, so my friend here pushed me in front of a moving car. No big deal.

If it's me I'd go Chase Utley, 100% of the time. He's a power hitting second baseman, Dee. Do you know how rare that is in the National League?

I have a plan, all right? And it involves you getting this letter to him. When you get out to kiss him.

Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike.

I love your hair, you run fast.

Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither.

I am sure our relationship will be a real Home Run.

Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch! I might be bleeding internally.

What's going on with Hulk Hogan's hair? It's blond and yet it's silken, like that of a Chinese man.

So that would make you Desert Rose. - Yes it would. - [Snort] Wow! What a couple of losers!

And when Hogan was doing his thing, and we were killing Iranians, or whatever... I mean we were proud!

Wrestling.

That's right. We're the Pigeon Boys! Pigeon Boys!

Doesn't sound that cool now as an adult. You're right.

A sixty year old man eating trash, who wants to see that?

Okay, well I was under the impression that we were presenting ourselves as bird men. Which, to me... Is infinitely cooler than just sorta being a bird.

Oh, you got kids Maniac? - Nah, not anymore.

Look at this dude, that's just a bucket of chestnuts. What, is he just foraging for his food?

No, he kept calling you the N word earlier. Every time you turned your back. He's like you stupid N, go get me grease.

No, he kept calling you the N word earlier... He was calling me the N word. Every time you turned your back. He's like you stupid N, go get me grease.

I don't feel we're reading as eagles. No bro, we look like assholes. I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

Maybe we can go with the chicken thing. - The chicken boys! - We're not changing the songs.

Even with your f... I love you. - We love you too, man. - I don't love him. I don't love him at all

The eagles are out of ... It flies through the night... Don't you mess with it's heads now.... Or you'll see a fight. Yes, we have feathers, ah! But the muscles are man.

Oh come on ref. Is that even legal? - I didn't see nothing.

We could do T-shirts. We could do beach towels, those nudie pens.

We got you to sign that contract so we could pay you less than minimum wage.

Oh! You son of a bitch! That doesn't nullify it, you know?

Let me show you mine, then you can go first. Then I'd be going second.

Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong! You're wearing women's underwear? Yeah, bro! You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.

What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong riding high up a woman's backside? Nothing.

I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on.

You drew a men's buttocks on a towel.

Oh, it's a baby dick. Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

Oh, it's a baby dick. Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies.

You just cannot blast water out of a gun. The technology is just not there.

eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit. Ripping it apart and eating it

Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe. Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood. Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by GoBots.

This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise. That never happened. It happened!

I'll just eat the contract later.

Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

People love stupid shit! Why do you keep calling it stupid though?

You can probably stop eating that now.

Multiple characters chanting 'Dee' and 'Sweet Dee' repeatedly before she responds with confusion

Congratulations, Dee. You've begun your transformation into crazy cat lady.

Mac and Dennis movie night! Whoosh! Tuesday night's movie night! We're doing Predator again.

It's more fun if we both come. I was gonna hold the bowl. Dennis was gonna stand next to me and make snide comments.

what if one of us were to get into a jam? ... Be silly not to have the other one there.

Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous.

you'll never get out of a jam because you got no friends. Well, you're a spinster. A lonely spinster. With a cat.

When was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing each other? ... All the time. Every day.

Okay. Without checking in? ... Ch... Checking. That's... Uh... huh. He always checks in with me.

Yo, where you been? ... I was getting the movie. Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been calling you... sort of over and over again.

Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency. ... What was the emergency, Mac? Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude.

I almost called the police.

Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1, which means we'll be completely lost.

Plus Jason Statham's physique... is nothing like the lineup in Predator.

It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.

Well, far be it from me to, uh, keep the flower of you from flourishing

Don't do that. I... feel like I'm the one that got us into this mess. ... Okay. So you'll stay at Charlie's then. No. You should stay there... because you already said that you would. Also, I have more stuff.

Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife? ... I suppose you have a problem with that too?

Are you hearing this shit, bro? Well, you know, he's got some good ideas. Maybe it wouldn't be bad if he moved in.

Tell him I'm not talking about him at all. I'm not telling him shit, dude. ... No, no, Charlie. Don't hang up the phone. I didn't call to talk about Mac. I swear to God, dude. ... I could care less about that guy. Are you kidding me?

And I bumped into that guy at the video store. Beefcake? Total jerk-off.

The skin of those things is riddled with toxins! Yeah, get it out though. Get it all out. Yuck! That was a close call. Good save.

What... What are you doing now, dude? What? I'm taking the toxic skin off. Yeah, but you're cutting it with your toe knife.

So you think not eating cat food is putting on airs? You betcha!

Just make sure you, you know, check in. 'Cause I haven't heard from Charlie, and it is getting late.

Hey, guys! I swallowed apple seeds! ... Are they poisonous? Are you kidding me, dude? They're extremely poisonous! Should I make myself throw up? I would throw up now!

Hey, guys! I can't throw up. Should I stick a finger down my throat? Yes! Oh, my God.

I was told I would be meeting a woman with giant breasts. I was also told that I was to meet a woman with giant breasts.

You son of a bitch!

The way they live, bro, it's... it's like, um... it's like... Preposterous. Yeah, dude! Preposterous! Yeah. I've been trying to come up with that all day!

Like, I'm a man of action, and you're a man that comes up with good... Words? Words, dude! You couldn't think of the word 'words.'

I also was assuming that the big-breasted lady was gonna pay for the drinks, so I don't have any money. I've got some cash. I can...I can get you out of this jam.

They're watching Predator. You want to join? Absolutely, dude. Great. ... Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall. ... Guys? Guys? Guys, come on!

Bro, that's amazing. That's the best one yet.

I can't go into my room because I found a black widow spider in there.

And then Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so they can get to know each other more better.

The pizza's good. / You're the one that's good.

Yeah, Dee, you just don't get it, okay? This is what men do! / Yeah. / This is what men do! / This is men stuff! / Yeah! / Men stuff!

She don't have a boyfriend! / Yes, I do. Ben-- you know, the online soldier that I met. We're back together now, so...

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? / I know, the engine's not even on / That's just cruel. / I didn't. I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.

Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big-time. / He's not doing... / Big-time! / ...anything.

What? No, dude. I'm trying to re-DENNIS this chick, so I can shove it in Dee's face. / What, uh, what is this swooping in business?

Oh, that's my system-- the MAC. 'Move in After Completion.'

I wait till you're done with them, and then I swoop in, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.

Oh, yeah, dude. I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?

I thought you were just my wingman though. / No, no, I'm swimming in your wake.

You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. / It's amazing. / Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.

It's a delicate ecosystem. We got to... we got to stick with it.

The entire parking garage stairwell story - two guys dramatically retelling being locked in for 20 minutes only to be let out by a security guard

'He's like a true to life, uh, Slumdog Millionaire.'

Mac's completely wrong explanation of The Sixth Sense twist about Bruce Willis's hairpiece

'Since when do you and Charlie have a script?' 'Since you walked in here and said you were in that movie.'

'It's Dolph Lundgren.' 'Correct. Why?' 'Well, because of his, uh, spiky hair.'

'As long as we don't cover up that body with a lab coat, bro.' 'No, dude. He's wearing, like, a hot mesh tank top.'

'What if he can smell crime before it even happens?' leading to ecstatic celebration

'What if his entire head is just one big nose?!' 'Write that down!'

'we didn't want to get locked into anything, so we came up with a pitch instead. It's more like a series of ideas in no particular order'

The confusion over whether Dolph Lundgren is the character's name or just the actor

Character named Dolph Lundgren played by Dolph Lundgren confusion

'I kind of hate women, though.' 'Oh.' 'I feel like they just slow action movies down, too.'

'That is brilliant! That is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life.'

Charlie's inability to type and Mac's frustration

Mac and Charlie's racist assumption that the Pakistani guy would be good with twists because he's from near India

'The Injun says yes, so that's what we're doing.'

Mac and Charlie deciding to make a poster instead of writing

'Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration. He "Nose" the Truth.'

Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration. He 'Nose' the Truth.

Frank wearing skinny jeans, described as looking ridiculous and having a 'Humpty Dumpty vibe'

Big news, bitches! The ban's been lifted. And we are back in. Flipadelphia, here we come!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia! chanting sequence

No, we did poison the shit out of them. But they didn't have any proof.

This year we're gonna jam it right up their butt holes... Yeah, me, Dennis and Charlie will jam their butt holes.

Flip cup. Ten years ago? We poisoned you, dude. Remember?

Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?... He's lying. He doesn't have any poison... No, I don't have any on me. But I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.

What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones? Oh, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy. And the mayo? That's shampoo.

We came to tell you we're reigniting the rivalry, dick worm.

Mac urinating on Art's bar after being called childish

Your mother had to have a C-section because of those hands.

Oh, what's going on is that you just drank a cup of poison! Paddy's Pub, bitches!

I thought you guys believed in me. You were so proud of me. Oh, no. We knew you were gonna choke. Yeah. Yeah. We knew you'd pretty much choke under pressure.

Frank struggling to remove his skinny jeans while the others try to help

Oh, Flipadelphia! Oh, sh... Was that today? Yeah, dude.

I have actually packed on about 15 or 20 pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken, bro. It's actually a testament to your gym.

Sweet camel toe. That's a good tuck job. You have it taped back there?

Either way, now that you're dick-less, I'm into it.

Mac's convoluted explanation about getting pumped up on protein from nuts then not getting his pump on but actually getting his pump on from pushups outside

She got her dick cut off, and she married a dude. Oh, that's great. Congratulations to her. No, that is not great. No? That is a gay marriage.

Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay? Why are you making that assumption? Because he's with a tranny? You were with the tranny. What are you saying?

No, Charlie, that is completely different, and you know it. Yeah. No. He's right. That's different, 'cause this new guy... if I'm hearing correctly... he waited until she got her dick cut off before he banged her.

Marriage is about procreation, okay? This is gay marriage. That's two dudes banging each other. What do you get from that? Nothing. Nothing.

Where's our bible? Where's our goddamn bible? We don't have a bible in here. Yeah. Why don't we have a bible? We never have. It's a bar.

I don't have enough facts to support my argument. Clearly. But I'm gonna find a bible, and then I'm gonna come back, and I'm gonna school you sons of bitches

Men with men committing indecent acts... sex in the but, ... will receive the due penalty for their perversion. Word of the Lord.

Look, if anything, you're the one that had sex with me when I was a man. Oh, that's it... you're gay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no... He's gay.

You know what, believe it or not, I've been doing some inventory... and it turns out you don't actually own anything in this apartment. That can't be true. It's shockingly true.

Oh. What are you doing? Are you going to throw up? No... Then why are you gagging? Oh, that... Because, Dee, that triggers my gag reflex too, and then I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Bill Ponderosa.

You told me it was the phone bill, man. / Of course I signed it. / Why would you think that you needed to sign a phone bill.

Charlie, gets health insurance and I get diddly-squat.

Because I don't have a home anymore. So this is where I take a shower. This is where I live, Dennis.

Yeah, one second you're on your high horse about how great marriage is, and now you're destroying one? / Well, I'm not the one who's married. I didn't do anything wrong.

Being married to Charlie's got me all confused. I got to get my hetero on.

Sorry. You have to be a couple for that. / We are a couple. / Charlie, documents.

I'm tightening the purse strings on this relationship until there's a little bit of give and take.

Oh, shit, that's from... that's from Fear, dude. Oh, that's Marky Mark. That's Marky Mark. That's what Marky Mark does.

You think it's gonna be that easy, dude? / Well, yeah, of course. I mean, marriage and divorce these days, it's like a, it's more of a formality than anything else, you know?

You can have the hot plate. / Hot dog! / Now we're cooking with gas.

All I'm seeing is a series of drawings of elephants. / Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie did the elephant drawings. / Yeah, but... You should keep 'em. I did those for you, man.

Why did we have to do all the touching and the hand-holding if it was just...? / It was fun.

And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? Like they're my hands? / Sure, yeah. / Like that? / Yes. / Okay. / That looks like my hands.

And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? Like they're my hands? That looks like my hands.

Now I'm not gonna bore you with details, but let's just say that my friends here set up for a *** adventure... ***.com. Yeah. Actually we're not supposed to talk about... That's true but... Yeah, technically we're doing a couple of things in the hush hush from Uncle Sam... The point is we're flush. We are 25 hundred dollars flush.

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P. Diddy-style parties up on the deck. Um, can we talk shrimp for a minute? I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump-size amount of shrimp.

But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say... We'll take it! What-what-what are you doing? I was-I was doing a thing. You were taking a long time, dude. You're taking way too long.

That's my P. Diddy boat dance. You look like one of this inflatable dancing things at the used car lot. The ones that flail around in the wind.

Okay, why don't you bring the guy in, we'll have a dance competition? I'm gonna be the judge of that contest! There's not gonna be a contest! Stop! Everybody stop! Shut up!

Whoa! Since when are you the captain? Well, clearly I'm the captain. Who else would be the captain. I feel like I would be the captain. I don't give a shit. I'm captain! I call it! Locked in. Boom.

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. You know, not that things are going to go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will. But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you. Why aren't you understanding this?

Are you going to hurt women? I'm not going to hurt these women. Oh, okay. Why would I ever hurt these women? You certainly wouldn't be in any danger. So they are in danger? No one's in any danger.

You certainly wouldn't be in any danger. So they are in danger? No one's in any danger.

That was patronizing! You can't patronize your captain. That's a sea law.

Like Stevie Nicks. That's actually Steve Winwood. Right. Same dude, right? It's not the same dude. Actually, one's not even a dude. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

We're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party? We got to socialize. I could socialize. Uh, no. Not looking like you're looking. You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of shit, so... You're skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over you.

These guys are more barnacle covered and sunburned than Dee and Frank. Let's not rush to judgment, okay? These are real men of the sea. Maybe this whole thing isn't about meeting girls. Maybe it's about having an adventure, you know, an open ocean adventure.

That was an implication, right? That was definitely the implication. Are we the tasty treats? We're the tasty treats in the scenario. They're going to take us out into the open ocean... they're going to have their way with us, Mac. Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel?

Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel? No. You know what, I don't enjoy having this conversation with you. I feel like you're lumping me in with them.

It's so much more romantic in the middle of nowhere where we can be completely alone, and you can make rash decisions based on fear. Right, Dennis?

Where's the 'H' key? There's no 'H' key!

I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock... The Thinker... Oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk!

Hulk doesn't think at all!

You guys can't censor me. I'm a bit of a badass.

This is my chance to finally sow myself into the inner circle.

Oh! Zing! Boom-boom!

We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, Charlie... We've squandered 'em all.

All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.

Bro, when you tack on mass you sacrifice flexibility. That's just a straight-up fact!

What am I, a gymnast?

Otherwise I go out there, I look like a jabroni.

Gliding like a jabroni is what I'm gonna be doing.

U.S.A! U.S.A! Not like that. Make it classy.

Next thing you know, I'm wearing a wig for the rest of my life just to keep up appearances. Yeah, like Andre Agassi, huh?

All right, well, that would have been cool if I was standing backwards.

Only a couple of jabronis come out here without skates on.

I think it's some dago word, but it sounds like a hockey word.

Do you not know how to ice skate? No, not at all.

But I figured you would teach me, 'cause we got plenty of time. We don't have time! It's tomorrow night, man!

[Push it to the Limit montage while Mac learns to skate]

The future of radio, you jabronis.

Heat wave! Heat wave! Heat wave!

Charlie, chug this.

We're in the middle of a terrible heat wave... and you happen to be at capacity- for us.

Don't you get it? We got big-timed, dude. He called us lower class.

Ugh! Gross, dude. I will not go to that disgusting public pool. People there are gross.

Man, I'm gonna have to keep tinkering with the A.C. 'cause I can't feel it at all.

That's why I got the gold chain.

Don't do airplane noises. Just give him the beer.

Because you're not even supposed to be here. Frank is the audience. Just keep your mouth shut.

Boom! Pool!

We could be, like, 'That's where the swim-up bar is.'

Well, I was thinking we'd be at capacity for Dennis...

I don't wanna put a tin can in the water with a string 'cause we're not eight.

I'm putting out a feeler call. Stride, stride, stride, stride, execute.

Charlie, I do back flips every single day of my life.

Well, I need to stay focused and conserve energy, and that's, you know- Come on.

What if I need to do a back flip later?

You've had a cell phone this entire time, dude? Are you kidding me?

Because getting stuck in an abandoned pool is extremely low class. Dennis will sink his teeth into it.

It's one of the attendants. He's walking around with... a ghetto blaster... serving us drinks and just making us comfortable, giving us hats.

The attendant, you know, he just walked off with my shoes... and - it made me mad because he didn't ask. But it's great because in the end I'm gonna end up with polished shoes.

This is like felon class.

Hey, you guys order a pizza? You gotta be kidding me. He's Chinese.

Don't you understand? This pool is our bootstraps... and it's lifting us up into the middle class, dude.

Do not call the shorts white trash. Dennis told me about these shorts. They're not white trash.

Lamb of God who takes away - What is that? There's a lamb?

Alligator tooth and snakeskin - Don't undermine my prayer with voodoo.

Admit that you are low class, just like us.

Josh Groban vs Charles Grodin confusion - thinking Josh is Charles's son and would be funny

Call Charles Grodin a bitter old man one more time and see what happens!

They're not terrorists! They're just Muslims.

Do you have any idea what happens in those places, dude? Why don't I just rape her myself?

Yeah, it looks like his eye is falling out. You just pop it back with your knuckle.

I'm not going to vacuum your ceiling.

Oh, it popped back out.

Yeah, well, she doesn't like to brag. It's not her style.

Look at her! Don't look at me. Turn your head.

Why are you doing everything in threes? Oh, so Charlie doesn't die.

It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's, like, a racist conversation

We got to spend a lot of time in the Civil War section. / No, we're not doing the Civil War section, Frank.

I feel like you say that all the time now.

What? / W-What the hell you talking about?

I-I browned out that evening. / Browned out? What's browned out? / Oh, it's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a blackout, 'cause I remember bits and pieces. I like to call it browning out.

There's a good reason for that, Frank. Because I think Mac just made it up on the spot. / I did. / You did? / That's a great term... browning out. / You like it? / I love it!

Once you throw a term like that out and everybody likes it, it's pretty much fair game. / We can use it whenever... / It's public domain at that point.

Okay, that is not the character's name, that's the actor's name, and you're not even getting that right.

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire. He eats theater people. / No, he doesn't. / I think he might. / He does.

And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is. / He might not. / He doesn't. / No, I don't, I don't.

despite looking like a cartoon bricklayer I was started to get pretty close to sealing the deal with the peacock lady.

There was no time for an ocular pat-down.

I had a tremendous amount of douche bag blood all over my knuckles

Shoo. Shoo! Get out of here. Shoo. Shoo. Shoo. Come on. Get out. Get out.

Margaret, what are you doing here? God, that is so gross. You're always doing that. Are you trying to tell me something? Ugh. Is that, like, a sexual thing? All right, let's do this.

She's still expecting a call. / That's not going to happen. / You will call her!

You look like a turkey. / Yeah. Also I would say, I would say you look like an-an ostrich. / Yes! / You know, I was... I want to call her an emu, but I want to save it for, you know... You are big, fat, flightless bird.

I could watch him do that for hours

Gregg Jeffries baseball card - 'Future All-Star, future All-Star' / 'It wasn't valuable then'

You pushed him out of a moving car and yelled 'You're out of the gang!'

Charlie's weight argument - 'I tacked on mass, muscle mass'

Who's this old son of a bitch? / Don't kiss him

Kind of a downer, that story, though

It is either him, or it is me. Him. Yeah. I was going to say him, too.

It is either him, or it is me / Him / Yeah / I was going to say him, too

Sterling silver clover ring ceremony

Why don't you just order what you want? Uh, well, Dennis kind of has the best palate. Yeah, I have the most refined palate, Schmidty.

I hate salad / You hate salad? Where is this coming from?

Dennis, I hate salad. You hate salad? Where is this coming from?

Schmidty not wearing the ring and being late

Yeah, the Mafia, the Freemasons, the White House. / The White House, they do it.

Mac's failed ceremonial roundhouse kick to the bell

Uh-oh, whiff! I just missed that. Dude, you're not even close.

Give me back the ring, all right? 'Cause you don't deserve it! / Get out of here! You're out of the gang, Schmidty!

And, uh, we pushed him out of a moving car for you.

Charlie's content with being a janitor and refusing to rejoin the gang

Let's see, we've got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We've got the Wayans brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.

Yeah, but I guarantee you there was some black people that were working on that movie... that were, like, 'Man, what dat white man doing? Dat ain't right. Get a black man.'

You're doing a black voice, and that's not racist? I'm just saying that's how black people talk. That's not racist.

Yeah, and you got to make the lips funny. Oh, no! No, no, no. What? They have to be funny. The lips have to be outlined.

In The Lord of the Rings movie, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. Do you think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend's asshole?

James Earl Jones has a black face! He's a black man. He's not black. Of course, he's black! He was Darth Vader!

Darth Vader was black. Darth Vader was not black. They took the mask off. He was white.

This is an opportunity to screen Laurence Olivier's Othello movie, you know? Then we can get an audience to weigh in. We can really take the temperature on this with a large group.

What is going on? Where are you? Frank splurged on a green screen. But he wouldn't pay for the green screen on our side, so - We're not in the back office. We're in a casino.

Go suck an egg. Yeah, go suck an egg. Go suck an egg?

That's one... fried turkey.

Yeah. They are. Yeah. Our lives are definitely... Yeah. without a doubt.

He touched me with it.

In the simplest... Easiest... way. ...easiest. I'm tired today, you know?

I got a little suspicious when you slipped out earlier, and so I followed you... and I saw that you were about to make a really bad choice

So I grabbed that shirt out of the bag when you weren't looking and I returned it and bought myself this shirt which isn't hideous.

I feel like you just stole money from me, and then you bought yourself a shirt. A shirt with your money. Yeah. No, that is what happened.

A piece of metal flew off the keg and hit Dennis right in the dick.

It mashed right into it... lumped it up and mangled it like a chicken potpie down there.

Denim chicken.

Were you trying to get us to plan your surprise party?... this way I get my surprise party and I give you the satisfaction of doing something nice for somebody.

denim chicken?... Yes! Denim chicken.

That's a new rat stick, dude. And you can bash up a whole bunch of rats with one quick strike, so it's more humane.

Mac confusedly repeats that there will be exotic creatures at the animal rights event after Dennis already said this

Mac corrects that 'zoos are animal prisons' after just encouraging the zoo idea

Mac reveals he's been 'boning up' on animal rights literature specifically to have talking points with Chase Utley

Mac deflects criticism by pointing out Dee is 'going after Ryan Howard all of a sudden'

Mac yells 'Squirrel!' and Frank crashes the car trying to avoid hitting it

Mac defends making Frank crash: 'You almost ran over that squirrel' vs Frank: 'So you should have let me mash it'

Mac reveals he's staying behind to 'oil up my glove' for Chase Utley, leading to Dennis's incredulous response

Mac eating grass while Dennis points out 'Charlie is not an example of good health'

Frank whispers to Mac about his staring contest with a rabbit: 'We've been staring at each other for ten minutes'

Mac's matter-of-fact response: 'Animals can see souls. That is a fact of nature.'

Frank and Mac singing 'Ave Maria' at the crow funeral while orchestral music plays

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard's confused reactions to Mac and Charlie's drunken behavior

Mac's nature speech about the rabbit being 'safe in the loving embrace of Mother Nature' followed immediately by a bird of prey killing it

Everyone's defeated reaction: 'nature is bullshit' after watching the rabbit get killed

Look what Charlie and I found. Look at this. Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me. It reeks. What is that? Dude, this is our mail.

We always go in the sewer. We hang out in the sewer. Why? There's stuff down there.

Don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer. You find shit down there. But how are you so clean? We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.

Big stuff. Rings, coins, nudity. That's part of the fun. The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked looking for rings and coins? You feel it with your feet. It's almost like clamming.

You hit 120! 120! I almost stewed my drawers. She was screaming in my ear. Probably screwed my transmission up.

There's no guy? There's no guy. It's complicated. There's gotta be a guy. We'll go get the guy. We'll get the dad.

The brunt of the responsibility of this kid is gonna fall on us. We're gonna have to do everything. Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.

Any multiple number of sperms could have gone up there and eaten the egg. There could be so many dads. No, sperm doesn't eat the egg. It doesn't eat the egg and grow strong and become a baby?

Well, mostly because we're all on this side. You're over there. Just 'cause you guys made it to one side before me? You didn't make it to this side on time.

How are we supposed to know this is a party if there's no beer? A party with no beer.

Who invited Cricket? I did, because I figured it's a wild card. That's a stone you can leave unturned.

It's good to get away from the wife and kids for a little bit- let the hair down. So you're still with your wife after all that shit with Dee?

I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick. I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em. The three of us just don't use 'em. How about you?

That's why I had a vasectomy, guys. You had a vasectomy? Yep. You just winked when you said that. Did you have a vasectomy or not? No. But that's what I would tell the ladies so I didn't have to wear a condom.

What's the deal here, bud? Well, no, she contacted me for a while usually when she was drunk. Drunken late-night booty calls? No. She usually just yells at me calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.

Sometimes she tricks me. She tricks you? She tricks you how? To give her sex. She's a very manipulative person.

Are you guys mad at me? No, man, we're not mad. Pull it together, because you're a soldier and you should be tougher.

This is the guy that's defending our country? Well, he's definitely a candidate.

What are your bridge friends doing here? You gotta give it the illusion of a party. It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.

Are you high on blow? Whatever Duncan gave me. You don't even know what you're high on?

What is L'il Kev doing here? You gotta throw out a big net to catch the fish that she was banging.

She's just berating these guys into having sex with her. Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town. She's getting way more action than us. She's stuck on her curse words. 'Jerk' and 'turkey' are all that she's using.

Kids spend all their time on the Internet. 'Hi. Who are you? There's your penis and there's your butt.' You gotta learn from some books. You don't want 'em reading too many books. You don't want 'em to be a nerd.

If it's a nerd, I'm gonna bash his head in. Nerds get nowhere in life. Oh, my God. Is he a nerd? I could bash some nerds right now. Right after this we should probably bash nerds. I gotta get it out of my system.

We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid. We are men who can be great dads. We have great opinions. And that's all that parenting is - pretending you know what you're talking about and then jamming it down a kid's throat.

Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be the father of this child. Dude, we did a complete 180.