A Woman's Right to Chop

Mac:I thought that was, like, a little comedy hat or something. That's their actual hair...

Mac:Poppins comes and goes as he pleases 'cause that's his right as a male. Women are never gonna get that.

Dee:If I want to have a baby and then abandon that baby, I have the right to do that.

Dennis:making themselves no longer sexually attractive to me, and that upsets the natural balance of things

Mac:I want to jump-start Poppins's system. You know? But it's not working. Maybe if I do it longer?

Charlie:You blast him with the air horn, a-and that might wake him up. Oh, and maybe I'll scream into the other ear.

Mac:If it's not, could you say it in that really funny Arnold Schwarzenegger voice that's, like, so funny? 'It's not a tumor.'

Mac:Wait. Poppins is a girl?

Mac:Oh, nah, I-I could never get underneath that hind leg to check. You don't want to try to get under Poppins.

Mac:one time I tried to give him a belly scratch and he bit my thumbnail clean off

Mac:I can't believe that Poppins is gonna be a father. A mother. What? A mother? He is?

Mac:we don't really do gender at our bar anymore.

Charlie:Yeah. Like, gender's so, like, old school.

Mac:Well, you got to kill those babies, then.

Charlie:What? Dude, what the hell? I thought you were all pro-life and everything.

Mac:I am, but this is different. This affects me.

Dennis:did you know that hair only grows about six inches over the course of an entire year?

Dennis:With this one tragic decision, Keri Russell alienated all of her fans, she got her show canceled, and she was never heard of ever again.

Woman:Yeah, but Keri Russell works all the time.

Dennis:Yeah, now, does she still play women? Probably in a cape or something.

Dee:You don't get a monkey cut like that unless you're broken inside.

Dee:Go full baboon, girl. I support you.

Dennis:men should have some say in what women do with their hair? I mean, for Christ's sakes, we're the ones that have to look at it all day!

Charlie:what we'd like you to do is kill the dog puppies, if you could.

Mac:Hey. Don't-don't say 'kill,' though. Uh, sorry, murder them, if possible?

Mac:Yes, hi. Yes, we need you to perform this dog abortion, and if you don't, my dog is gonna die. And he-he-he's not gonna be able to survive... Yes, I'm aware that a boy dog can't have puppies.

Mac:Look, there was a transition at some point, all right? He had a sex change. We see past gender at our bar.

Mac:Frankie. Take it easy, buddy. Your valve's getting all worked up. Hey, your valve's acting up... You know what? Here, here... eat some cat food.

Dee:You seriously want to buy me a car as long as I don't cut my hair?

Dennis:I was like Samson. I had hair down to my butt crack. I looked like a Greek god.

Dee:You look like a bridge troll.

Dennis:I needed the money and I read an ad for a toupee company that said they would give good money for real hair, so I bought in.

Frank:There it is.

Dee:There what is, Frank?

Frank:That's my old hair. He's given it a good home.

Frank:I come by time to time to check it out, see how it's doing. Don't-don't say anything, because I don't want to make it feel bad.

Z:Bitch, you don't think I'm a doctor? I was a medic in Desert Storm. I did Doctors Without Borders, I saved mad lives. See, you racist. That's what the problem is.

Z:Bitch, I'm just playing with you. I ain't no motherfucking doctor.

Oh! Are you serious?

Poke around in one of them trash cans, try to find an Allen wrench.

Mac:I was wondering why I didn't have to pop this dog's eye back in its socket. That dog has a very solid eye.

Mac:He came back to take care of his family. He did. He likes to take... Oh, no, he did not. He did not. There he goes. He wanted the blanket.

Dennis:Sometimes I find it very arousing, tears, but this time, I wasn't... I-I wasn't coming in-in that zone.

Dennis:I thought you were gonna say that you only cut women's hair, and I was gonna claim discrimination to get you shut... it doesn't matter.

Dennis:From a genetic standpoint, I mean, her hair is just as much mine as it is hers, you know what I mean?

Salon Worker:I'm crying because my dog is lost, asshole.

Dennis:What's your dog look like?

Mac:there's no doggy paternity test to actually prove that they were Poppy's puppies in the first place.

Dee:I ended up having to do it all by myself! That's right! Listen, it looks... terrible. So bad. I mean, really, really bad.

Dennis:I've-I've forced my sister into a back-alley chop.

Charlie:I don't care about any of this, really...

Mac:I don't care that much, either...

Dennis:Yeah, I guess I don't really care that much, either.

Why did you guys make such a big deal about it, then?

Well, uh, you know, that's, like, a guy thing. 'cause we're used to being in charge

Z:Nah, she ain't got to worry about that. I groomed that shit off a border collie.