The Plant

Most VIP guests wouldn't be caught dead at a motel like this, no offense.

That's cute.

All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides, a bottle of wine, and something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.

I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.

You look like someone who just wandered in off the road.

Thanks.

You've gotta stop with the Johnny business, okay? And secondly, I am the Manager.

Once again, Ray, saying 'knock knock' is not the same thing as actually knocking.

Door open, or closed?

Well, you might want to invest in a 'lock lock' then.

Holy fuck!

David, you're constantly talking about how much you eat. But I've seen you walk from the bedroom to the shower, and you look fine.

I think it's time we look for an apartment.

They're in the pantry, next to the pancake mix, which means they've been sitting out for days. Are we feeling lucky?

You expire pleasured.

Yep, she never seems to run out of 'em.

I was seven minutes late!

We really need to rehearse that Nine Inch Nails medley for our concert at 'Yarn for Cheap.'

After collaborating so closely with the director on 'Crows,' I feel even more finely attuned to the fluctuations of the human condition.

I know it by heart. I actually sing it quietly every time you do it.

I know, Twyla. And it's not that quiet.

Well, these days, either he's crying, or I am.

Yes, and it's actually pronounced 'lee-as-on.' And my name is actually pronounced 'Ro-lahnd.'

That should beat the black mould I had for breakfast at my last motel.

If you would uh, how do you say, um, voulez-vous with me please.

Everyone agreed that I was the normal one in my cellblock at the women's prison, so.

Maybe you know my wife. I don't-I'm kidding. I don't have a wife...anymore.

Oh, disappeared? I'll never stop looking.

And Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.

That makes total sense, considering how nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.

Alexis is becoming a major girl boss, and is she just saying this so she can expand her home office when I move out?

I want to kiss you like an animal.

Oh Jocelyn, I'm afraid that dirigible has ascended.

I don't even know her last name!

B-words!

Evidently, one or two of you have gotten under her skin.

I gave myself a promotion.

What are you doing, buying a wedding dress?

I thought it was $40. I also need shampoo.

Body lice, you know, from the sheets, that'll get you a bad review. I've contracted it a few times, it's not pretty.

What I love about this conversation is how well it goes with lunch.

I was gonna say modest, but...

Uh, just driving... to meet my sister... in Florida.

I'm a plant.

I'm a plant. / I'm sorry?

So you cracked before we even ordered drinks?

When there's a beautiful woman sitting across from me, even if she is a con artist, I welcome the company.

I haven't noticed an improvement! And sometimes you sing too softly.

We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.

I could lose you as a roommate, Patrick, but on the other, I would gain the commission.

It is, in the sense that it's a one-bed room.

This is what small-space realtors refer to as, a 'step-in' closet.

I left a doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow.

How are we still on this fucking tour?!

How are we still on this fucking tour?!

All you have to do is open the curtain... to the bathroom!

Curtain open, or curtain closed?

the lack of closet space will inevitably force us to break up

Wait, does this mean that you were ready to move in with me? No. No? No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.

I can barely hear your conversation. Are we sure we want the door?

Compared to what, a haunted house?

How do I sign up for this turndown service? Is there a clipboard, or something?