The Hamptons

Jerry:Humans love water in all forms - beaches, pools, bottles. But hate it when it falls from the sky as rain.

Jerry:So rain is basically just small, flying water. That's all it is. We've been calling it rain this whole time, but it's really just water that couldn't commit to being a puddle.

Jerry:People panic when it rains. They think the world is ending. I saw a guy at the store buying bottled water during a rainstorm. Bottled water! It's raining outside! What are you doing? 'I need to protect my water from the water.'

Kramer:You gotta try silk underwear, Jerry. It's the most delightful thing.

Jerry:Too delightful? What does that mean? I don't want my underwear to be delightful. I want it to be functional.

George:It's like signing a letter of intent.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:You know, in sports. When a high school athlete signs a letter of intent, he's committing to go to that college. But he hasn't actually gone to the college yet.

Jerry:So you're saying you and Jane are like a high school athlete and a college?

George:Exactly! We've signed the letter of intent. We're committed. But we haven't... enrolled yet.

Jerry:It's so bad it's used for suicide.

George:You know what I love? Cough medicine.

Jane:Really? Me too!

George:Finally, someone who understands me.

George:You know, it's amazing when you think about it. A woman says 'no' at 8 o'clock, but at 8:15 she might say 'yes.' What changed in those fifteen minutes? Nothing! She's the same person, same clothes, same everything. But somehow the answer is different.

George:It's like a restaurant. 'We're not seating anymore.' Then five minutes later, 'Okay, we got a table.' I don't understand the rules!

George:It's like a 'No Trespassing' sign. You see the sign, it makes you want to trespass.

Jerry:I can't do that.

Elaine:Why not?

Jerry:Because then I'd be like the guy in The Graduate.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:You know, he's at the pool, the older woman asks him to rub lotion on her back, next thing you know he's in love with her daughter and his whole life falls apart.

Elaine:I'll rub lotion on you.

Jerry:No, no, no. I don't think so.

Elaine:Why not?

Jerry:Well, it's not a good business arrangement for me.

Kramer:Giddy up!

Jerry:Yeah, those are real.

Jerry:So Jane decides to go topless. George isn't there. I said, 'Jane, what are you doing?' She says, 'I'm sunbathing.' I said, 'But George isn't here.' She says, 'Exactly. I'm targeting a different demographic.'

Carol:Would you like to see the baby?

Jerry:Oh, yes, of course!

Elaine:We'd love to see the baby!

Carol:Here she is!

Jerry:Oh... oh my God.

Elaine:She's... she's beautiful.

Jerry:What a... what a baby.

Carol:Isn't she wonderful?

Elaine:Absolutely... wonderful.

Jerry:It's a beautiful baby... if you like that sort of thing.

Elaine:It's a beautiful baby.

Elaine:It looks like a little dog. A little shih tzu or something.

Jerry:I mean, what are the parents thinking? 'Oh, he's not ugly, he's just... swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.'

Jerry:This is a must-lie situation. You have to lie. It's one of the basic requirements of human interaction.

Elaine:But what if they ask me directly? 'Is our baby ugly?'

Jerry:Then you say, 'Are you kidding? This is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!' You're in a must-lie situation.

Doctor:You're breathtaking.

Elaine:I'm breathtaking?

Jerry:You know what's funny about sitting backwards on a train? You're the only one going the wrong way. Everyone else is looking forward to their destination, and you're back there looking at where you've been. It's like you're the only one who realizes the past is just as important as the future. Or maybe you're just the guy who bought the ticket wrong.

Jerry:You know, the tomato. It's a failed handheld fruit. Think about it - it's like they were trying to make a snack, but it just doesn't work. Your hands get all sticky, seeds everywhere... it's a mess.

Jerry:It's like the tomato has succeeded so well at being a tomato that it's failed at being a good tomato.

Kramer:Yeah, I'm out there Jerry and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

George:So let me get this straight. Women can just walk around topless?

Kramer:Yeah.

George:They have the same rights as men?

Kramer:That's right.

George:So why aren't they doing it?

Kramer:Because it's not a big deal to them.

George:You saw her topless?

Jerry:It was an accident!

George:An accident? How do you accidentally see someone topless?

Jerry:The door was open!

George:So you just... looked?

Jerry:I didn't know what to do! My eyes just went there, like a magnet.

George:So how good a look did you get at this guy?

Jerry:Oh, I got a great look. I could describe him to a police sketch artist right now.

George:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, I could tell them everything. Height, weight, build, hair color, facial hair, scars, tattoos, distinguishing marks. I could probably pick him out of a lineup.

George:I'm telling you, I saw her first! I was looking at her, and you came along and just took over the conversation. That's not fair!

Jerry:What do you want me to do, George? I didn't know you had dibs.

George:Dibs? We're not in third grade! I saw her first. That means something. It's like... it's like I'm the first person to see the moon, and then you come along and plant a flag on it.

Jerry:So what, you want a parade?

George:I want acknowledgment! And another thing - you know what Tang is? It's not a real drink. It's what they served the astronauts. You want to know why? Because it's garbage! But they made it seem special because it went to space. Well, Jane is my Tang, Jerry. She's my Tang!

Elaine:Someone called me breathtaking today!

Jerry:Yeah, well, you take your breath away.

Elaine:Wait a minute. If he uses 'breathtaking' to describe his medical skills, what does he call actually breathtaking things?

Elaine:He probably looks at the Grand Canyon and goes, 'Eh, it's okay.'

George:I was just thinking about gum.

Rachel:George, you're in my apartment.

George:Yeah, well, gum loses its flavor in the water. You need fresh gum. So I thought I'd come by and pick some up before I went swimming.

Rachel:You came to my apartment to get gum before swimming?

George:It's a new thing. I read about it.

George:It shrinks? It shrinks!

Rachel:It does?

George:Like a frightened turtle!

George:I'm not insane, I'm just a little depressed.

Jerry:Well, the clinical term is 'being a loser.'

George:Hey!

George:Women talk to each other. They compare notes. They know everything about you.

George:They've probably already discussed my entire dating history, my medical problems, my family situation...

George:By now, every woman in New York knows I'm bald and I live with my parents.

George:They're probably laughing at me right now. All of them. Everywhere.

Jerry:It shrinks?

Elaine:It shrinks?

Jerry:Like a scared turtle!

Elaine:I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Elaine:It shrinks?

Elaine:I mean, they're so ridiculous. I'm sorry, but they are. They're like little ET heads sticking out of our bodies.

Jerry:Oh, you keep kosher? That's great. That's really great. I respect that. I mean, it's not easy. The rules, the... the restrictions. But you're doing it. You're really... you're keeping it up. So, uh, when you die, at least you'll have that going for you.

George:It shrinks? It shrinks!

Jerry:It shrinks?

George:Like a frightened turtle!

Jerry:Why do they call it a penthouse?

Kramer:I got 'em from the aquarium.

Rachel:You stole lobsters from the aquarium?

Kramer:They were just sitting there.

Rachel:That's illegal!

Rachel:I mean, come on, it's a lobster. How hard can it be?

Kramer:Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that...

Rachel:What? What are you talking about?

Kramer:That lobster dinner you had last week? I may have... acquired those lobsters.

Rachel:You stole lobsters?

Kramer:I prefer 'borrowed without asking.'

Rachel:So basically, my entire sense of culinary sophistication is based on stolen seafood.

Jerry:Your baby is... not attractive.

Ben:What?

Jerry:I mean, he's... he's going through a phase. All babies go through phases. Ugly phase, then... then it passes.

Elaine:Was I really breathtaking?

Doctor:Well, I was just being polite.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it!

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go around eating lobster whenever you want. That's a crustacean, Rachel. You need a permit.

Rachel:A permit? Kramer, it's just lobster.

Kramer:Just lobster? Do you know what happens when you consume shellfish without proper authorization? That's a felony in most states. I'm gonna have to ask you to step away from the tank.

George:Hello... Rachel.

Jerry:That was breathtaking.

George:What do you mean?

Jerry:I mean, I've never seen someone eat cereal that way before. It's breathtaking.

Rachel:George, why is there lobster in these eggs?

George:It shrunk in the water.

Michael:It was Kramer! Kramer took the lobsters!

George:Hey! Hey! You can't just come in here without knocking! What is this, a police state?

Jerry:The ocean doesn't want us there

Jerry:So the ocean doesn't want us building on it. Fine. But then why does it have to be like a nightclub? You know, with the waves as bouncers? 'Sorry, you can't come in here. The tide's not right for you tonight.'

Jerry:You know what undertow is? It's like a violent bouncer. The ocean's like a nightclub, right? And undertow is the bouncer who's had a few too many drinks and just takes you way out back and beats you up.