The Friars Club

Jerry:You know, wigs have been around for thousands of years. Ancient Egyptians wore them, European royalty wore them. But nobody ever talks about how wigs actually shaped history. Like, what if an entire war was decided because someone's wig fell off at the wrong moment? 'We would've won, but the general's hairpiece blew away during the charge.' That's history!

Jerry:So soldiers are preparing for battle, right? And the general says 'We need ammunition, we need weapons, we need bobby pins.' Bobby pins! I'm like, what general is running this war? It's like he's getting ready for both a combat mission and a really important hair day. 'Alright men, fix your bayonets and secure your curls!'

Jerry:A soldier's lying on the battlefield, mortally wounded. His buddy crawls over to him and says, 'Don't worry, help is on the way!' The soldier looks up and says, 'I don't care about that... do I look okay?'

Jerry:Once men could see how ridiculous they looked

Jerry:I'm looking in the mirror and I realize my hair is thinning. So I think, 'What if I just... go bald?' But then I think, 'No, no, no. Women don't like bald men.' So I get a toupee. But not just any toupee - I get one made of horsehair. Because apparently that's what's attractive now.

Salesman:These are the finest antelope horn buttons available.

George:Yeah, but do you have them in sneaker form?

George:I'm caught in a lie. I told her I was an architect.

Jerry:An architect? Why would you say that?

George:I don't know! It just came out. But here's what I'm thinking—you could say you're my business partner. We're starting an architectural firm together.

Jerry:George, no. I'm not doing this.

George:Come on! Just go along with it. We'll make the lie true!

Jerry:That's insane. That's the most insane thing I've ever heard.

George:Why? Why is it insane? People do it all the time!

Jerry:You were lying.

George:I wasn't lying. I was just saying things that weren't true.

Jerry:That's what lying is.

George:No, lying is when you say something that you know is false. I didn't know if what I was saying was true or false.

George:Two weeks? Two weeks?! I can't take it anymore. He's eating all my food, using my shower, I don't have any privacy!

Kramer:Yeah, well my cousin spent eighteen months on my couch.

George:Eighteen months?!

Kramer:Yeah, he was a nice guy though.

Jerry:What does Bob Sacamano do for a living?

Kramer:Oh, he's a bro—he's a high-end department store cologne spritzer.

Jerry:A wig master? What is that?

Jerry:Someone who's really into wigs?

Jerry:I mean, how much passion can you have for a wig?

Jerry:It's hair on a thing!

Kramer:Oh, this is great! I got a spot right near the entrance!

Kramer:And look—they're giving away free T-shirts!

Kramer:A FREE T-SHIRT! Do you know what this means?

Kramer:I'm gonna be wearing this shirt! On my body!

Kramer:For years! For YEARS I could be wearing this shirt!

George:I'm back. I told you I'd be back.

Store Manager:George, what are you doing here?

George:I said I was coming back, and I came back. How about that? I'm a man of my word.

George:I'm back!

Craig:Oh, hey.

Craig:These J. Peterman catalogs are incredible. Listen to this: 'A shirt. But not just any shirt. This is a shirt that whispers secrets to the wind, that dances with the ghosts of a thousand forgotten summers. Crafted from the finest cotton ever to grace the loins of mankind.'

Craig:I mean, it's a shirt! It probably costs forty bucks and falls apart after two washes. But the way they describe it, you feel like you're buying a piece of history, a fragment of someone's soul.

Craig:This copy is brilliant. Who wrote this?

Elaine:Oh, that would be me.

Craig:You? But... this is good.

Elaine:This is great! You have to get this!

George:What? No, no, no...

Elaine:I'm serious, George. This is perfect for you.

George:But you were supposed to—

Craig:So what's your number?

Elaine:My number?

Craig:Yeah, I'd like to call you sometime.

Elaine:Oh... well, it's 555-0147.

George:You couldn't just go along with it? You had to tell him the truth?

Elaine:George, he asked me directly. What was I supposed to do, lie?

George:Yes! That's exactly what you were supposed to do!

Elaine:I'm not going to lie for you.

George:Well, there it is. My entire life, ruined by your honesty.

George:This guy Craig, he's making me look like an idiot in front of everyone.

Elaine:Uh-huh.

George:He walked right up to me and just... he didn't even acknowledge my existence!

Elaine:Mm-hmm.

George:Do you understand what that means? He's establishing dominance!

Elaine:Yeah.

George:There are different levels of girlfriends. There's the 'sex girlfriend,' the 'going out girlfriend,' the 'meeting the parents girlfriend'... You can't just jump to 'meeting the parents girlfriend' without going through the proper channels. That's not how it works!

Elaine:How dare he?

George:Well, what did you expect?

Charmaine:So, how was your day?

George:It was fine.

Susan:So, how was your day?

George:It was fine.

Kramer:Jerry, I got a problem.

Jerry:What's the problem?

Kramer:I can't get the image out of my head.

Jerry:What image?

Kramer:Your mother... in the Technicolor dream coat.

Jerry:You know, the parking situation here is really ridiculous.

Kramer:Yeah, well I'm not taking the bus.

Jerry:Why not?

Kramer:Because then I'd have to wait for the bus. And if I'm waiting for the bus, I'm not driving my car. And if I'm not driving my car, I'm taking the bus.

Jerry:You're not going to help.

George:I'll help! I'll help!

Susan:You've been here for three weeks. Don't you have somewhere else to be?

Charmaine:Well, I'm thinking about it.

George:The radio's broken.

Susan:What's wrong with it?

George:I don't know, it just won't turn on.

Susan:Have you tried changing the batteries?

George:Of course I tried changing the batteries!

Susan:Well, maybe it's the antenna.

George:The antenna's fine. You know what? Forget it. We'll just sit here in silence.

Susan:We could talk.

George:No, we couldn't.

George:What is this? What is this doing under the seat?

Susan:George, just leave it alone.

George:No, no, I want to know what this is.

Charmaine:Oh my God.

George:What? What is it?

Susan:It's... it's nothing. Can we just go?

George:This is not nothing. This is something.

Craig:You know, I deal with a very upscale clientele.

Jerry:Oh yeah? What do you do?

Craig:I'm a dermatologist.

Jerry:A dermatologist? That's great.

Craig:Yeah, very exclusive practice. We don't take just anybody.

Jerry:I understand.

Craig:In fact, we're not taking any new patients right now.

Elaine:I don't know... it's a really nice dress, but...

Craig:But what? You'd look amazing in it. Come on, let me see you in it.

Jerry:Hey, Craig, how's it going?

Craig:It's actually Craig.

Jerry:Right, right, that's what I said... Greg.

Jerry:We dated for like three years.

Elaine:Three years?! It was three months!

Jerry:Well, it felt like three years.

Jerry:Excuse me, why would you assume she's not my wife?

Jerry:What is it about me that screams 'single'?

George:There's a condom in my car!

Kramer:So what? There's a lot of things in a car. It's like a mobile unit. You got your soda, your gum, your condoms... you're all set.

Kramer:I need my car.

Parking Attendant:We've lost your keys.

Kramer:You've lost my keys? How do you lose keys to a car in a parking lot?

Parking Attendant:Well, we've lost them.

Kramer:This is unbelievable. This is a parking lot, not a parking garage. How hard can it be to keep track of one set of keys?

Parking Attendant:It's a distinctive pink Mary Kay cosmetics car

George:I'm telling you, there's something going on with this parking lot. I've been coming here for three years and I've never seen the same car twice.

George:You know what I think? I think they're running a chop shop. They take your car, strip it for parts, and sell it to someone in Jersey.

George:That's why the attendant always parks it so deep in the lot. He doesn't want you to see what's happening back there.

Jerry:What's with the ponytail? I mean, what is he saying with the ponytail? 'I'm not quite a girl, and I'm not quite a guy'?

Elaine:Maybe he likes it.

Jerry:No, no, no. A ponytail says 'I'm creative.' A ponytail says 'I'm a rebel.' A ponytail says 'I'm not your traditional man.' And that's the problem.

Jerry:It's like you're dangling the dress in front of them like bait.

George:So what are you saying, they're like sharks?

Jerry:Exactly! They smell blood in the water, they go into a feeding frenzy.

Jerry:It's like a relationship is a house. You need a good foundation, solid walls, a roof that doesn't leak.

Elaine:Jerry, no—

Jerry:Wait, I'm not done. Then there's a car. A car is like a commitment because...

Elaine:Stop. Please stop.

Bob Sacamano:This isn't just any costume. This is a theatrical piece. A work of art.

Bob Sacamano:I got it from a production of Macbeth. Real professional stuff.

George:I work for the Yankees.

Prostitute:The Yankees? They suck.

George:You know, I've been thinking about expanding my social circle. Maybe I should try some of that street lingo, you know, sound more hip.

George:So I'm walking down the street, and I see this woman, and I say, 'Hey baby, what's your wholesale price?'

George:Turns out she was a stock broker.

George:So how much for just talking? You know, conversation?

Prostitute:$50.

George:$50? That's a lot just to talk.

Prostitute:You want to do something else, it's more.

George:No, no, just talking. But $50 seems high for talking. I mean, I can talk to my therapist for $80 an hour.

Prostitute:Then go to your therapist.

George:Yeah, but you're here now.

George:Wait, wait, wait—

Prostitute:That'll be fifty dollars.

George:Fifty dollars? I don't even—

Susan:George? What is going on here?

George:Susan! Hi! This isn't what it looks like.

Susan:It looks like you're with a prostitute.

George:Well, yes, but—

George:You know, Susan, trust is the foundation of any relationship. We should really work on building that.

Susan:I agree, George. What do you suggest?

George:Well, I think we should actively nurture any doubts we have about each other. Keep them alive. That way, we'll never take each other for granted.

Susan:That's... that's the opposite of what trust means.

George:Is it?

Elaine:Wait, so you're telling me you found this dress where exactly?

Craig:At a... a vintage shop. In the East Village.

Elaine:Which vintage shop?

Craig:The, uh... Threads of Time. Very exclusive place.

Elaine:I know every vintage shop in the East Village, Craig. There's no Threads of Time.

Craig:Well, it's very exclusive. They don't advertise. My cousin works there actually.

Elaine:Your cousin works there?

Craig:Yeah, he's the manager. Great guy. You'd like him.

Elaine:What's his name?

Craig:...Marcus. Marcus... Threadworth.

Elaine:Marcus Threadworth? Really?

Craig:He's Swedish.

Elaine:Wait, you give discounts to everyone?

Craig:Yeah, pretty much.

Elaine:So I'm not special?

Craig:No, you're special. Everyone's special.

Jerry:I'm gonna return everything. Every single thing I bought from that store. I'm taking it all back.

Jerry:No receipt? Doesn't matter. Store credit? I'll take it. Then I'll return the store credit.

Jerry:I'm gonna be so annoying about this return policy, they're gonna wish they never sold me anything in the first place.

Kramer:I'm going to bed at 9 o'clock.

Jerry:9 o'clock? It's only 8:30.

Kramer:Well, I like to get a head start on my sleep. That way, when I wake up, I've already slept.

Jerry:I like to stay up late, Kramer. I'm a night person.

Kramer:Yeah, well maybe you should move to a later time zone.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about that couch of yours. It's not very comfortable.

Kramer:Why don't we just share your bed?

Kramer:Why can't I sleep with you?

Jerry:Because you're insane!

Elaine:Craig is not a con man! He gives everyone the same discount.

Jerry:That's exactly what a con man would do.

Elaine:No, it proves he's honest. He doesn't discriminate.

Jerry:Elaine, that's his business model. He scams everybody equally. That's not integrity, that's consistency.

Jerry:She's using you! She's using you as a... a human garbage disposal!

Jerry:You know what the two cornerstones of any relationship are? Sex and discounts. That's it. Everything else is just filler.

Kramer:This mattress is really comfortable.

Jerry:What are you doing in my bed?

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, you got a great mattress. I'm gonna get one just like it.

George:People should be able to get their cars from a parking lot.

Parking Attendant:Ideally.

Jerry:Because I don't want it anymore.

Store Clerk:But why? What's wrong with it?

Jerry:Nothing's wrong with it. I just... I realized I'm not a jacket person. I'm a shirt person.

Jerry:I'd like to return this jacket. I bought it out of spite.

Store Clerk:Spite? That's not a reason.

Jerry:What do you mean it's not a reason? I went to a store, I bought a jacket out of spite. Now I want to return it.

Store Clerk:We can't take it back if you bought it out of spite.

Jerry:Why not? I have a receipt!

Store Clerk:It doesn't matter. Spite purchases are final.

Jerry:Actually, I'd like to change my reason for the return.

Manager:No, you said it was defective. That's your reason.

Jerry:I know, but I've thought about it, and I'd like to say it's too small.

Manager:You can't change your reason. You committed to defective.

Jerry:What do you mean I can't change it? It's my reason!

Manager:Once stated, a reason is locked in. That's store policy.

Store employee:That's a nice hat. Is that the new style?

Jerry:No, it's the old style. I'm bringing it back. Fashion works in cycles, you know. Everything old becomes new again.

Charmaine:Your hair looks beautiful.

Charmaine:You should sell it for wig-making.

Server:Here are your drinks.

Elaine:Thanks. You know, Jerry, I've been thinking... maybe we should stop pretending and just admit we're perfect for each other.

Jerry:Elaine, what are you talking about?

Elaine:Come on, Jerry. We both know this has been building for years.

Craig:Well, you see, Elaine, there's been a slight delay in the shipment. You understand how these things work, don't you? It's very complicated. The dresses are currently in a distribution center in New Jersey, and there's been some paperwork that needs to be filed with customs. It's all very technical.

Jerry:What did you do that for? Now she thinks you're a loser!

Jesse:What are you talking about? I asked her out.

Jerry:Exactly. You just walked up to her and asked her out. No game, no strategy, nothing. You might as well have been George.

Prostitute:You cost me a hundred dollars!

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey, I'm sorry.

Prostitute:You're sorry? You're sorry?!

Kramer:Yes, I'm very sorry.

Prostitute:Sorry doesn't pay my rent!

Kramer:Look, I'll make it up to you.

Prostitute:How?

Kramer:I'm... I'm sorry.

Police Officer:You're under arrest.

Kramer:For what?

Police Officer:We have reason to believe you're the leader of this organization.

Kramer:The leader? I'm just a guy!

Police Officer:Name?

Kramer:Cosmo Kramer.

Police Officer:Address?

Kramer:129 West 81st Street.

Police Officer:Occupation?

Kramer:I'm in the bro business.

Police Officer:The bro business? What the hell is the bro business?

Kramer:The bro - you know, the undergarment. I'm a bro salesman.

Police Officer:You're under arrest for indecent exposure and you're cracking wise with me?

Kramer:I'm not a pimp.