The Bottle Deposit (1)

Jerry:You know what's strange about marital separation? You're engaged to be divorced. It's like you're planning a wedding, except instead of a honeymoon, you're dividing up your stuff and never seeing each other again.

Jerry:You know what a troubled relationship is like? It's like a giant rubber band. You pull apart, you come back together, you pull apart, you come back together. Eventually, the rubber band just snaps and flies across the room and hits somebody in the eye.

Jerry:That's what we need - a giant rubber band to just end it all at once instead of this constant pulling back and forth.

Child:Are mommy and daddy getting a divorce?

Jerry:No, no, we're just taking some time apart.

Child:Oh, so you still love each other?

Jerry:Well... sure, we love each other. We're just... we need some space right now.

Child:But you'll get back together, right?

Jerry:Yeah, probably... which is probably true.

Jerry:You look like Brenda Starr.

Elaine:Better than Dondi.

Elaine:Wait, so you're saying he's married? That changes everything.

Elaine:I mean, is he sponge-worthy? That's the real question.

Jerry:I've been waiting out this marriage for three years.

Elaine:Oh, I'm waiting out like five of them.

Elaine:That's my car!

Jerry:How do you know?

Elaine:I know my car!

Jerry:You've never seen yourself drive.

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So you don't know how you park. She's never seen herself drive either.

George:So what do you do?

Husband:I'm a dermatologist.

George:A dermatologist? What, you look at people's skin all day? That's got to be depressing.

Wife:Well, he's very good at what he does.

George:I'm sure he is. But still, skin? All day, skin. I couldn't do it.

Jerry:You can't wear jeans anymore.

Kramer:What are you talking about? I wear jeans all the time.

Jerry:Not at your age.

Kramer:Oh, that's it. I'm going out right now and I'm gonna buy like fifty pairs of jeans. I'm gonna have jeans coming out of my ears!

Elaine:It's so great to drive again!

Elaine:Get out of the way, you idiot! Move it! Come on!

Elaine:I hit a dog during my driving test.

Examiner:You hit a dog?

Elaine:Yeah, but it was a Pomeranian.

Elaine:It's like vultures circling. The moment someone's apartment becomes available, everyone's fighting over it.

Jerry:Yeah, it's predatory. People are just waiting for someone's relationship to fall apart so they can swoop in on their rent-controlled place.

Elaine:Exactly! It's the same desperation. A couple breaks up, and suddenly everyone's a friend again, asking how they're doing, being supportive...

Jerry:But really they're just hoping to get dibs on the apartment.

Elaine:Wait, wait, wait. They need time to grieve? How much time are we talking about here?

Jerry:I don't know, a few weeks?

Elaine:A few weeks?! I can't do that. That's like asking me to give up cable.

Jerry:I can't just call them up and say 'Hey, I heard you're getting divorced, wanna hang out?'

Elaine:Why not? People call people all the time.

Jerry:Yeah, but there's a protocol. You can't just call somebody after a major life event without an excuse.

Elaine:So make up an excuse.

Jerry:Like what? 'Hi, I was thinking about you and I realized I needed to call you'? But wait - if I'm calling to say I'm calling, then what's the actual reason for the call? The call becomes the reason for the call. I'm trapped in a recursive loop of calls.

Elaine:So you start out saying 'I'm there for you.' Very supportive, very caring.

Elaine:Then gradually you remove the 'for you' part. Now it's just 'I'm there.'

Elaine:Eventually it becomes 'I'm.'

George:You think they understood it was innocent? I wasn't trying to be weird.

Jerry:George, it was fine. Very folksy.

Elaine:Yeah, totally folksy. Real down-home.

Kramer:Folksy! That's what I was thinking. Very folksy, George.

Kramer:These jeans are perfect.

Jerry:You can't even bend your legs.

Kramer:That's the style!

Kramer:I can't get these jeans off!

Jerry:What do you mean you can't get them off?

Kramer:They're stuck. I've got an audition in an hour and I need to change.

Jerry:Well, take them off.

Kramer:I'm trying! They're on there like a vice!

Jerry:You need the Jaws of Life to get out of those pants.

Jerry:So how did the separation happen?

Beth:Well, George said something really inappropriate at dinner.

Jerry:And that caused the separation?

Beth:No, but it was so offensive that we both started laughing. We haven't stopped laughing since. Turns out we needed that.

Beth:You always interrupt me when I'm talking about something important to me.

David:That's not true, I never—

Beth:See? You're doing it right now!

Jerry:Well, George is an idiot.

Mickey:No, no, no. You gotta feel it. You gotta understand the character.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm feeling it.

Mickey:Alright, let's try it again. Sit down.

Kramer:I can't sit down.

Mickey:What do you mean you can't sit down?

Kramer:These jeans are too tight. I can't bend my legs.

Mickey:Sit down! SIT DOWN! What is wrong with you? Why can't you just sit in a chair like a normal person?

Kramer:I am sitting!

Mickey:You're not sitting! You're hovering! You're doing that thing where you're not really sitting but you're not standing either. Just SIT!

Kramer:This is sitting for me!

Mickey:No! No it's not! I have never seen a human being unable to sit in a chair. What is it? Is it a medical condition? Did you have some kind of accident? Because you are driving me CRAZY with this not-sitting!

Jerry:So I'm on this date, right? And the guy across from me keeps doing this thing where he questions everything he says. 'I think the soup is good, or is it? Maybe the bread's better, or maybe it's not?' It's driving me crazy.

Jerry:And now I'm doing it. I'm sitting here thinking, 'Did I just adopt his annoying habit, or did I already have it? Was I always like this, or am I becoming him? Why do I do this to myself?'

Elaine:George, don't you dare ruin this for me. I'm warning you.

George:What? I'm not doing anything.

Elaine:I will hurt you. I will actually hurt you if you mess this up.

Beth:That's it exactly. You said it perfectly. You know me better than I know myself.

George:Well, I don't know about that.

Beth:No, you do. You're very articulate.

George:I'm not articulate. I don't even know what articulate means.

Jerry:George, where the hell are you? I've been trying to reach you all day!

George:Hey Jerry, how are you? It's so good to hear from you! I was just thinking about you.

Jerry:Cut it out! What are you doing?

George:Nothing, nothing. Just spending some time with Beth. We're having a really nice evening.

George:You know what I was thinking about? Ice cream. Why do we have so many flavors? I mean, really, how many ways can you flavor frozen dairy? It's ridiculous. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry - those are the classics. Everything else is just... noise.

George:And another thing - who decides these things? Some guy in a lab somewhere says, 'You know what the world needs? Chunky Monkey.' And everyone just accepts it.

Beth:You should open up more, Jerry. Share your feelings.

Jerry:You know, you're right. When I was seven, my dog ran away. I never got to say goodbye.

Beth:That's really touching, Jerry.

Jerry:It is, isn't it? That is a touching story.

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

David:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Child:Mommy, why is that man's pants so tight?

Kramer:These are not tight!

Child:Are you a bad man?

George:He said to me, he said, 'George, why do you always have to make everything so complicated?' So I said, 'I don't make things complicated. I just have a very acute sense of the things that other people do to make things complicated.'

George:And then he said my exact words back to me! I couldn't believe it!

George:Jerry, Jerry, you're not getting it. It's ironic!

Jerry:I know it's ironic, George, but my back is killing me.

George:That's the whole point! The irony!

Jerry:I can't enjoy irony when I'm in this much pain.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. I'm not a monster. See? I'm just a regular guy.

Child:You still look like a monster!

Kramer:No, no, no. Look at me. Normal face, normal body. Totally normal.

Child:Your hair looks like snakes and your clothes don't fit right!

Susan:We need to talk about what David said. This is serious.

George:You're right, you're right. I feel terrible.

Susan:So what are we going to do?

George:Well, I was thinking... chicken or fish for the reception?

Police Officer:Sit down!

Kramer:I can't do it.