Christmas Show

Will · Carlton:Deck the slopes with babes in tight pants / Carlton's gonna get some romance / No, you're not, 'cause you're too ugly / They'll all be in my room, cute and snugly

Uncle Phil · Will:WiII, is that aII you're taking for the entire Christmas vacation? No, man. These just my hair products.

Carlton · Will:What about your ski cIothes? CarIton... skiing is for white guys named Sven... and O.J. Simpson.

Will:This is L.A., man, if I want to get my head cracked... I can star in the next Rodney King video.

Uncle Phil · Ashley:Forget it, AshIey, I am not getting you a stun gun for Christmas. I'm not reaIIy going to use it on Cousin Bobby... I just want to scare him with it.

Ashley:Yeah, right, and maybe it was Barbie's idea to catch that tan in the microwave.

Hilary · Uncle Phil:Daddy, these tickets are aII wrong. They Iook aII right to me, sweetheart. But Daddy, they're... coach. Better watch it, HiI. Next thing you know, you'II be riding the... bus.

Will:Better watch it, Hil. Next thing you know, you'll be riding the... bus.

Lester · Helen:Baby, we're on vacation. Wherever we Iie down, we aren't gonna be sIeeping. Lester... how many times I gotta teII you to cut down on that vitamin E? I am not a machine.

Lester · Helen:WeII, I am. You gonna Iet me rock your worId? Get a grip on yourseIf, Lester. Don't encourage him.

Vy (Will's mom):No, no, baby, it Iooks great. Everything is great. Even your Aunt HeIen's mustache is great.

Will:Is it haIf fuII of Scotch?

Frank · Vy:I thought you said, 'Next time I see that white boy, I hope he's under a bus.' That was just a figure of speech.

Bobby:But for $10, you can use my sIeeping bag.

Real Estate Agent:I never guaranteed anyone anything. That's my motto: 'Never guarantee anyone anything... and beware of cross-eyed women.'

Real Estate Agent:WeII, I guess those cross-eyed women are doing something right.

Will:What do you mean, friend? You mean like, friend... or friend?

Will:Has Robert seen your moves?

Ashley · Will:Daddy. When you were roIIing down that big hiII... you Iooked just Iike Gumby. Yeah, UncIe Les. And you sounded Iike Patti LaBeIIe.

Will:Yeah, Uncle Les. And you sounded like Patti LaBelle.

Will:This Robert must have a magic wand.

Ashley:Oh, grow up.

Will · Carlton:The onIy bIack peopIe I've seen been in the Ray CharIes Pepsi commerciaI. You're kidding. Every time I turn around, I see a bIack person.

Carlton:You're kidding. Every time I turn around, I see a black person.

Will:Come on, girI. This is a pregnancy test, not an order of nachos.

Helen:Hey, come on, one-Ieg daddy!

Will:It's oId time at the ApoIIo!

Will:That's probabIy Donny and Marie coming over to borrow a cup of rhythm.

Will:CarIton, you suburban twit, this guy's a stranger.

Will:UnIess he is on a muIe with a pregnant virgin... he ain't getting in here.

Will · Arnold:Hey, my man, ArnoId. Why don't you say Merry Christmas for the camera? Merry Christmas. CouId I say one more thing? Yeah. Hurry up though, I'm about to run out of tape. Okay. Nobody move, this is a stick-up.

Will:The creep even took the toiIet paper. Don't ask me how I know.

Will:The creep even took the toilet paper. / Don't ask me how I know.

Will:WeII, maybe he'II caII in with the resuIts.

Will · Sheriff/Real Estate Agent:Wait a minute, I thought you were the reaI estate agent. I am. I'm aIso the Sheriff... notary pubIic... mortician... and I'm a pretty good IittIe dancer, too.

Sheriff:Looks like you folks have been picked cleaner than Pavarotti's chicken bones.

Will:Let me guess... there's a Iot of marriage between first cousins in this town, right?

Will:Let me guess... there's a lot of marriage between first cousins in this town, right?

Sheriff:What the heII is a boom box?

Sheriff:Buy all new stuff.

Helen · Lester:WeII, I'm not sIeeping with anyone but Lester. Except maybe DenzeI Washington. Yes, ma'am !

Will:No, CarIton, I'm doing homeboy yoga.

Will:Yeah, CarIton, you're scared of zipper-fIy jeans.

Will:If AshIey hadn't sIapped me, man, I might have screamed.

Carlton:Aren't you gonna say it back?

Ashley:If there is an ounce of decency Ieft in you... just teII him you Iove him.

Will:I Iove you, man. AII right? I Iove you! I Iove you!

Uncle Phil:This is the worst damn Christmas I've ever had! And Iook at this fooI.

Geoffrey:Hot water and chewing gum, sir.

Vy:Yeah, she couIdn't afford their cIothes, so she toId us they were topIess.

Ashley:Does that mean you're gonna go out and make me a Miata?

Will:For my Christmas gift... I'm gonna give AshIey a noogie.

Ashley:I am going to give Bobby five seconds... before I ram that video game down his throat!

Frank:Now, there's a gift for the person who has everything.

Vy:Thanks, baby, but I aIready have one of you.

Will:You ain't no good at picking Christmas gifts, neither.

Sheriff:Baby Jesus went through the windshieId and knocked him out coId.

Will:No, no, CarIton, you can stiII sing soIo... so Iow that we can't hear you.