Mamas Baby Carltons Maybe

Will · Carlton:You know that model in all them Hugo Boss ads? - Yeah. - You don't look nothing like him.

Will:You've never even found a woman you'd share a burrito with.

Will:Sure it wasn't your breath?

Will:Oh, look, hors d'oeuvres. Isn't it great to be rich?

Ashley:Is Daddy bringing home white people?

Carlton:Door! Door! Door!

Will:All right, don't wet yourself. I'll get it.

Cindy:Say hello to Daddy.

Will:Congratulations, man. He's a boy. Carlton, come on, man.

Will:Carlton, a father? He won't even let Ken and Barbie sleep in the same shoebox.

Will:Hey, the longest relationship Carlton ever had was with last year's... Ebony swimsuit issue.

Will:Well, it looks like they wear the same size.

Hillary:Oh, he is so cute. Oh! Get this drool machine away from me.

Geoffrey:Well, I can assure you, it won't be me. This time, the butler didn't do it... hasn't done it... and I'd be surprised if he even remembered how to do it.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, I am never wearing a bathing suit again, as long as I live. Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me.

Vivian · Philip:He called me Mr. Banks. That's still no reason to hold his head underwater, sweetheart.

Philip · Vivian:I'll get you some antacid for that. - No, don't. That wasn't me.

Will:Well, I'd take a shot in the dark and say around nine months.

Will:Now, for those of you just tuning in to Name That Father... this little bundle of joy belongs to a young man... who's seen Little Mermaid eight times.

Vivian:Not you, stupid. Sit your butt down.

Will:Come on. Pep it up, little grey man.

Philip:Where do you think you are, Fantasy Island?

Cindy:Carlton is the most incredible lover I have ever had... It was amazing, and endless, and magnificent. I think I saw God.

Geoffrey · Will:The windows. I'm sorry. I fell. We didn't mean to. I fell. I fell.

Philip:Or at least had you neutered.

Will:You know... it's like the Rodney King videotape, you know? I just keep seeing it over, and over, and over again.

Will:No, I'm not in trouble, but, no, check it out. Somebody we know is a grandma. No, not you, Mom. Mom. No, Mom. Mom, stop crying.

Will:Carlton is the father. Stop laughing, Mom.

Will:That makes them bring it faster.

Philip:So when will your mommy and daddy be home?

Carlton:I never knew having a family could be so neat.

Will:All right, whoa. I'd like to take this opportunity... to bring it to everyone's attention that Uncle Phil's head is about to explode... and, for once, it ain't my fault.

Will:Yeah, it smells like you needs to be changed, too.

Vivian · Philip · Will:Hold me back, Philip. - Carlton, get out. Get out, now. Go. Hey, I got him, but take another step, and I'll fill you full of potassium.

Will:Are you climbing down Rapunzel's extensions?

Will:No, Carlton, nobody drives to Lompoc. You drive through Lompoc.

Will:Yeah, you lucky I ain't going to do you like Kunta Kinte and chop off your foot.

Geoffrey:Perhaps you'd like me to catch a Frisbee in my teeth?

Will:Look, Adolph, Eva, why don't you all relax for a second.

Geoffrey:Who knew Christmas would come twice this year?

Will:I don't know, Uncle Phil. Did you check the cracks in the couch?

Philip:That's a good idea. I'll call one, you call the other.

Carlton:Here comes little Mr. Ducky. Doesn't he quack you up?

Carlton:If I could pass like that, they wouldn't make me play on the girl's team.

Will · Chapel Officiant:Yo, hey, look, my fault. You all, see, my cousin was supposed... Hey, congratulations, man. So you're having his baby?

Carlton · Will:She left me. I got the feeling she didn't want to live with me. - What made you think that? - She said she didn't want to live with me.

Will · Carlton:Oh, man, I mean, she can't just walk out on you like that. What if the kid is yours? He's not. Carlton, come on, just because the baby is cute... doesn't mean you're not the father.

Will:you a German?

Chapel Officiant:It's nice to know somebody still is.

Will:I mean, hey, don't feel bad though. I mean, a lot of guys are... you know, Germans.

Will:no way. Yucky.

Carlton:Good, 'cause I'm really looking forward to losing my accent.