Philip Banks

Vivian · Philip:That's stupid. / Now he's got you doing it.

Philip · Will:For what? / Probably her head.

Philip:When Crackle and Pop cut a disc, then call me.

Philip:I just pictured it.

Philip:I'm two for two. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Will · Philip:Come on, you're gonna ruin my rep. You're only 17. You don't have a rep yet.

Philip:And, Geoffrey, they were just repainting the office.

Philip · Geoffrey:Then what was the point of the story? Sheer entertainment, sir.

Ashley · Philip · Hilary:Daddy, it's a diamond. No, it isn't. - You don't like it? - No, I do not. Can I have it?

Philip · Geoffrey:From now on, I'm no longer Philip Banks. Just call me King Edward IV. As you wish, Your Majesty.

Philip:I can't answer that question for you, son. Ask your mother.

Philip:It felt good, damn it.

Philip:I'm back in the saddle again.

Philip:I wouldn't be surprised if they revoked our shuffleboard privileges.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, that's what you did on our first date. That's right. You're lucky you got a second one.

Philip:For future reference, Will, our club frowns on strangulation.

Philip:Hilary, don't be so shortsighted. This award is an honor which leads to prestige... which leads to cash.

Philip:Well, I really don't like to blow my own horn. Growing up on the mean streets of Baltimore, Maryland...

Philip:No, Melvin eschews these type of events. I'm the same way.

Philip:Will, there's something you have to learn. Sometimes parents just don't understand.

Carlton · Philip · Vivian:Why can't Geoffrey baby-sit her? Because we're giving him the weekend off. You mean I'm going to have to get my own breakfast, too?

Carlton · Philip:Am I being punished for something? I was just asking myself that same question.

Philip · Will:You're not going. You better tell that to my mojo because his bags is packed.

Will · Philip:Did you see that movie House Party? No. Did you see The Terminator?

Philip:It probably wasn't Yale or Carlton. It probably wasn't even the phone.

Philip:or I'll tie this place up with so much litigation... that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Philip:I asked myself that question the first time I was stopped. Good night, son.

Philip:I guess all things are possible.

Vivian · Philip:Won't this be fun? / No.

Ashley · Philip · Ashley · Philip · Ashley:Daddy, it's a diamond. / No, it isn't. / You don't like it? / No, I do not. / Can I have it?

Philip:I used to stand out in the parking lot of the Philharmonic... hoping to catch a spare note on the night air.

Philip:He has superhuman bill-paying powers... so he gets to dress however he likes.

Philip · Ashley:I'm going as Comfortable Man. / Is that a comic-book hero? / Sort of. He has superhuman bill-paying powers... so he gets to dress however he likes.

Philip:Sort of. He has superhuman bill-paying powers... so he gets to dress however he likes.

Philip:Hilary, how'd you like to make the tea before I take away Mr. Allowance?

Philip:No, he's not depressed. He's British.

Philip:Your poor Aunt Vivian seems to think she's a matchmaker. In her mind, she's the Chuck Woolery of Bel-Air.

Vivian · Philip:When I was in college, I introduced three couples and they all got married. And by your fifth reunion, they were all divorced. I just get them to the altar. After that, they're on their own.

Philip:The words 'mission impossible' come to mind.

Philip:You both speak English.

Philip:Being a lawyer stinks, Geoffrey. No matter how good a job you do... your clients still compare you to Harry Hamlin.

Philip · Will:How'd you like it if I went into your room and started throwing chalk around? I'd be devastated.

Vivian · Philip · Geoffrey:All right. You were a football god. Okay. Who knows, it might do him some good. Nothing like a little organized sport to straighten a guy out. Yes. It did wonders for Pete Rose.

Vivian · Philip:We had to convince her to accept it. She never lets us spend a penny on her. Apparently, that's not a genetic trait.

Hilary · Philip:From the moment they're hatched to the moment they're shrink-wrapped... turkeys are raised to be food, and nothing but food. Hilary, I don't think too many of them had aspirations... to be doctors or lawyers.

Philip · Vivian:Vi's that way with everybody. Remember what she said about my beard? You misunderstood. She said it made me look like Bigfoot. Which is ridiculous, because nobody knows what Bigfoot really looks like.

Viola · Will · Philip:He's certainly not taking any food out of your mouth. Starting already. I don't believe it. That's a good one, Mama. I got to use that one. No, you don't make fun of your uncle. That's my job.

Vivian · Viola · Philip:How's everything at the post office? - They made me a supervisor. - That's wonderful. Honey, they make everybody at the post office a supervisor. You practically have to eat the mail not to get promoted.

Viola · Will · Philip:And looking less and less like your daddy every day. Ouch. Run for cover, Dad. Where's he going to hide at?

Vivian · Philip · Viola:He's been wonderful, hasn't he, Philip? Let's just say he takes after you, Vi.

Vivian · Philip:Vi, I was dusting the albums this morning and guess what I found. Certainly not dust.

Viola · Philip:Your daddy knows how to swim. Come on. Swim for her. Come on, Philip. Everybody out of the pool.

Philip · Vivian:The person that invented the elastic waistband... should get the Nobel Prize. - You know what I mean... - Don't start.

Will · Viola · Philip:Your Highness, let us all clear the table. That's a good one. Honey, do I look like I'm telling a joke? Not to me.

Vivian · Philip:She said that our kids are spoiled. News flash.

Vivian · Philip:Really? Does this sound familiar? 'Daddy, I need $300.' You don't have to get personal.

Philip · Will:It's frozen inside. I'm sorry. I thawed it as much I could. What am I supposed to do, sit on it all day?

Philip:The correct answer is Heather, formerly the muffin-cart girl.

Philip:Let's put it this way, Vivian. You're the only repeat.

Philip:The blinking Frosty the Snowman is riling your attack dogs.

Philip · Will:Are you insane? It's a little late to be asking.

Philip · Hilary:You mean, there are copies of our house key all over Los Angeles? Don't worry, Daddy. I put our name and address on all of them.

Will · Philip:That's why. How y'all doing? I just got my hair cut. Kind of fly, huh?

Philip:That's right, Will. No one can hear you scream.

Philip:That's not true. I have my wine collection.

Philip:I've seen it on TV.

Philip:Geoffrey, get me one of those stick thingies.

Philip:Don't be ridiculous, Geoffrey. It's simple geometry.

Philip:That was just a practice shot.

Philip:No, I think I'm getting a lot better, don't you?

Philip:Geoffrey? Break out Lucille.

Will · Philip:What, you're going to spank me? You know the severity of what you did tonight.

Philip:You know, a hard head makes for a soft behind.

Philip · Carlton:This is the police! Carlton, come out with your hands up. You'll never take me alive.

Will · Philip:Follow them. - Out.

Philip:I'd like a written copy of that report.

Philip:I'm never gonna like anybody you bring home.

Philip · Will:What? / I was definitely the closest.

Philip:I don't see the destruction of our gene pool as something to joke about.

Philip:tongue.

Philip:You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

Philip:Everything that feels good is wrong. Everything. Do you understand me?

Philip · Uncle Phil:Philip: 'I can't believe my baby sister's getting married.' Uncle Phil: 'I can. I just paid the florist.'

Philip:"Now you look just like Yul Brynner in The King and I."

Philip:ZIP code?

Philip:"You're gonna vacuum in that?"

Philip:"I see every great thing a man could possibly want in a woman. Eyes so dark and deep a man could get lost in them. Skin the color of mahogany... soft as satin. A body fit for a goddess."

Philip:Get him, Vivian.

Philip · Will:Shut your mouth. I'm talking about Shaft. Then we can dig it.

Philip:I can walk! It's a miracle.

Philip:That woman must be stopped.

Philip:When we walk down the street, deer eat from our hand.

Philip:I can't say it, because it would be a big fat lie.

Philip:And if you recall, the chariot bed didn't need horses to move it across the room.

Philip · Hotel Staff:Well, there's $50 says it isn't. / Thank you, sir, but his $200 says that it is.

Philip:Okay, kids, go to the movies.

Philip:Because I can't get it out.

Philip · Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!

Philip · Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!

Vivian · Philip:That's 80 cents. / Don't be ridiculous, Vivian.

Philip:If you move the TV any closer to the bed I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno.

Philip · Hilary:$300 dollars for shoes. / Point being?

Philip:You spend more on clothes than most small countries spend on grain.

Philip:'Cause of the way you get them.

Philip:Why don't you go upstairs, get my wallet... and take your friends to the movies? In Pittsburgh.

Philip:That's very honorable, son. You're grounded.

Philip:Hey, I'm young, I'm happening, I'm groovy. Why do I have the sudden urge to tie dye my drawers and go down to the hootenanny?

Philip:I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.

Philip:Great. Where's the fish? Spoiling off the coast of Nova Scotia?

Philip:Has Geoffrey been sniffing the 409?

Philip:You know I can water ski in this puppy.

Philip:Carlton, you are grounded until you start losing your hair.

Carlton · Philip · Ashley:That's my cassette player. That's my bathrobe. That's my girlfriend.

Philip · Jazz:Geoffrey bathes. I can learn.

Philip:Well, if you ever gave me any thigh, maybe I'd know the difference.

Philip:Jazz, would you prefer a Muslim or a Viking burial?

Philip:Do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert?

Vivian · Philip:Have you forgotten the toaster incident, sweetie? Geoffrey hasn't. How was I supposed to know a piece of whole wheat would scratch a man's cornea?

Will · Vivian · Philip:Certainly got the pants for it. -I'm calling the plumber. -I'm calling the tailor.

Vivian · Philip:There's no dial tone. There's no static, either.

Philip · Geoffrey:The next person that mentions the phone, gets a boot in their behind. Mr. Banks, your phone is broken.

Philip · Philip:I feel a little thirsty, too. / Robert? Do you mind getting Vivian something to drink while you're up there? And toss me a Pudding Pop.

Philip:I'd like to impart some words that I've always lived by: Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money.

Philip:I'd like to impart some words that I've always lived by: Mo' money, mo' money....

Philip:Trying to be a professional here!

Philip:They're aII dogs, got it? Have a good time, sweetheart.

Philip:Oh, God, teII me it's Geoffrey.

Philip:She Iooked Iike a beautifuI, IittIe, bIack Winston ChurchiII.

Philip:You pack your bags, we are moving to GreenIand.

Philip · Ashley:I can't do it. Can't do what, Daddy?

Philip:I thought you took band.

Philip:Men with money can drive her away in their cars.

Philip:I'm Shamu.

Philip:Federal offense. Go on.

Philip:Grand larceny. Impressive.

Philip:The Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward?

Philip:The Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward?

Will · Philip:Hey, it worked for the Beave. / Worked for the Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward?

Philip:Speaking of prisoners, let's talk about Will.

Philip:Switzerland. / Now that that's settled, I'll go fire up the Jacuzzi.

Philip:Would you consider Great Britain? / Well, a man can dream, can't he?

Philip · Geoffrey:Who asked you? Get my lunch. / Right away, sir. / The man has a tapeworm.

Philip:Oh, Lord, I don't know whether to dive under the table or do the running man.

Philip:Looks like the whole Jackson family could live in those pants.

Philip:No wonder Willy Williams moved to LA.

Philip:When Jesse Jackson gets a job.

Philip:That's because she's your mother and she loves you. I'm your uncle. I just try not to hurt you.

Philip:And, who are you? Queen Latifah?

Whitey · Philip:And, you can call me Whitey. / I think not.

Philip · Vivian:Switzerland, Vivian. / Not far enough, Philip.

Philip:'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school.

Philip:When did you have a man in the Jacuzzi?

Philip:So, as long as you keep the hair... the clothes and the beeper... you're all grounded.

Philip · Vivian:When Vivian asks if she's just a bustline to him, Philip responds 'Did you say something, honey?'

Hilary · Philip:Hilary immediately proves Will's point by asking Philip to increase her credit card limit

Philip:Philip asks if he has to sit through Carlton's Urkel impression again

Philip · Carlton:Philip tells Carlton 'No, and get some Binaca' after Carlton stares him in the eye

Carlton · Philip:Carlton asks for $75,000 allowance raise, justifying it as 'The book says start high'

Carlton · Philip:I'd like a raise in my allowance. - All right, how much? - $75,000.

Philip:Uncle Phil starts singing 'We Shall Overcome' after being manipulated by Will

Philip:Philip says 'With any luck, she'll be off my property before I'm dead'

Vivian · Philip:Philip, I am never wearing a bathing suit again, as long as I live. Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me.

Vivian · Philip:He called me Mr. Banks. That's still no reason to hold his head underwater, sweetheart.

Philip · Vivian:I'll get you some antacid for that. - No, don't. That wasn't me.

Philip:Where do you think you are, Fantasy Island?

Philip:Or at least had you neutered.

Philip:So when will your mommy and daddy be home?

Vivian · Philip · Will:Hold me back, Philip. - Carlton, get out. Get out, now. Go. Hey, I got him, but take another step, and I'll fill you full of potassium.

Philip:That's a good idea. I'll call one, you call the other.

Vivian · Philip · Vivian:I asked him to pass the salt. He told me to go long. / He was joking, Vivian. / Philip, he broke a window.

Philip:Forget it, honey. At $5 a pop, I'm not sharing.

Philip:Jesse Jackson?

Philip:Get your hands off my chocolate, or you're a dead man.

Judge Robertson · Philip · Judge Robertson:Not only has she aged, she has a beer belly. / That's my wife and she's pregnant. / Then she should lay off the beer.

Philip · Judge Robertson:I'll be frank. / Okay, and who am I?

Philip · Hilary:All right, Hilary, how much do you want? / No, I'm talking about... Well, $100.

Hilary · Philip:where do you stand on a woman's right to choose the restaurant? / I think we should leave that up to the Supreme Court.

Will · Philip:Uncle Phil, let me tell you a little story. / Oh, no.

Philip · Will:So, this story is about you, isn't it, Will? / That's right, Uncle Phil. And to this day I just thank God I had my two-headed coin... 'cause that girl was smoking, man.

Philip · Vivian:Because it goes against everything I stand for. / What's your point?

Philip:I have faith in L.A. That L.A. will have faith in me. / ...Judge Robertson has overwhelmingly defeated Philip Banks. / I hate L.A.

Philip:Well, once when I was a kid I zipped my pants up too fast... let's just say this brings back old memories.

Carlton · Philip · Robertson:Carl... / I thought I was Carl. / I'm Philip. / And I am the walrus.

Philip · Vivian:You won't believe this. They want me to give the eulogy at Judge Robertson's funeral. / Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead... but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, any chance of getting those flowers after the funeral? / Sit down, Vivian.

Philip:He was a judge. A judge named Carl. But he was more. So much more. Carl... He wasn't a very heavy man.

Philip:I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.

Hilary · Philip:What do you think, Daddy? / I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job. / Thanks, Daddy.

Philip:I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.

Philip:Me, too, but I still get things done.

Philip:The man is obviously a deviant.

Philip:The man is obviously a deviant.

Philip:To the restaurant. Le... Chez... Mc...

Philip:Not anymore.

Philip:Oh, cars!

Philip:Oh, God, this car isn't in trouble, is it?

Philip:then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block

Philip:No sex before marriage.

Philip:I know I'm talking to teenage hormones from hell

Philip:Be afraid, Will. Be very afraid.

Philip:A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-bam-boom.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, did you get too close? I don't know, Vivian, is four feet too close?

Philip:There are priests laughing at me.

Philip:What? Be banned for life from The Gap?

Philip:Excuse me. Is this what you've been telling my boy? That life is one big orgy.

Philip:College is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work. And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public. And a wife who won't let you anywhere near her. And a butler who may be the father of your child.

Philip:I'm sorry, Hilary Banks? You know, fate works in mysterious ways. For years, I've been trying to get her to move out of the house and now... when I'm gonna be alone, she is my salvation.

Philip · Hilary:Are you in love with Trevor? What's love got to do with it? I'm having a wedding.

Philip · Ashley's boyfriend:This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it. It's a symbol, like Prince. Prince who?

Philip · Ashley:Prince who? See, that's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.

Philip:It's a symbol for 'get out of my house!'

Vivian · Philip:You went through it with Carlton. Yes, and look at how well he turned out.

Will · Philip:Big poopy. - What did you say? - Oh, I said: 'Beg, puppy'... to my pretend dog, Ernie.

Philip:'The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round.'

Philip:Yes, well, you just lay back and relax and let Daddy take care of you.

Philip:Olive Oyl is looking awfully good right now.

Philip:Well, just look at it this way. If I take a fall, I have a 50-pound cushion.

Philip:Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see your first hot flash.

Philip:He's also an alcoholic. No, that's Judge Martin.

Philip:Motorcycles and black leather will never make me feel as young... as the love of a good woman.

Philip:What would that be, One Life To Ruin?

Philip:I broke my bike.

Philip:Well, who does? I mean, you wait and wait... and when you finally get to the front of the line, everything's gone.

Philip:Game, set, match. Now, stop whining. What's next?

Philip:We can beat that.

Philip · Hilary:Did you really refer to Hurricane Robert as Bobby? Well, Robert just sounded so serious. It was serious, darling. It wiped out half of Miami. Well, excuse me for trying to spread a little sunshine.

Hilary · Philip:If I watch the weather in New York, I'll have a three-hour jump on the competition. Honey, that might not work every time.

Philip · Security Guard:God, where was this? / 'Mortal Kombat' by Sega.

Philip · Vivian:Strudel, schnitzel... / Mercedes.

Philip:My God! Somebody stole my Mercedes.

Philip:She put her bra on one cup at a time just like everybody else.

Philip:We're not hip, so we don't know your music. It's nice to meet you anyway, though.

Philip · Geoffrey:Jazz, to what do we owe your presence? My guess would be inbreeding.

Philip:Will, this Maria Shriver... full-figured gal?

Philip:You mean, which superstar would I choose?

Philip:You mean, which superstar would I choose?

Will · Philip:They showed that on TV? From the first shove to when Sinatra put his toupee back on.

Philip:Why is there a truck parked in my...? What are you doing here?

Philip:Why didn't you send any back to the wife and child you abandoned?

Will · Philip:Fourteen. / Excuse me, 14 years.

Carlton · Philip:I hate you! / Oh, yeah? Well, take a number.

Geoffrey · Philip:Here comes Mr. Sunshine. / Shut up, Geoffrey.

Philip:And yet, it's come back with a vengeance.

Hilary · Philip:Hilary explains she's staying because her house is dark with no lights, then reveals the phone doesn't work when told to call electric company

Philip · Geoffrey:Well, I don't know, I suppose when it's finished, you'll dust it.

Philip:If all your friends jumped off... the damn MTV building, would you do it?

Philip:At a fraternity house playing touch football in the bedroom

Philip:So long ago, how could you remember?

Philip:call your sister and tell her she's about to lose her only child

Philip:Well, now, just what exactly is 15 percent of a frozen burrito?

Philip · Ashley:Makeup? Keep away from that blue eye shadow.

Philip · Will:What the hell are you doing down here? Oh, um, I thought I heard somebody breaking in. What you doing down here? Uh, the same thing.

Philip · Will:Pie's in the fridge. Yep. Nothing like sneaking a little pie before Thanksgiving.

Philip:This is not the first Philip Banks pie-jacking. Son, son, I have been jacking pies since, what, Thanksgiving 1953.

Philip:Rhubarb. Tart little thing. 1954, I got sloppy. Got busted. 1955, we got a dog. Sparkie. From then on, the dog ate the pie.

Philip:A regular Mother Teresa.

Philip:Never take sides when women are arguing. You can't win. Look at me, boy. Lesson number one, whatever you say is wrong.

Philip:Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Will · Various · Philip:How about y'all make them all? That's a good idea. Hey, yes. Okay, I'm for that. I guess I'll get to cook this year. And you can judge which is best. The both of you.

Philip:He can't catch a cold.

Philip:You know, I once told her that the Fiesta Bowl was a three-day event. I didn't have to do anything all weekend.

Philip:Ooh. The student has become the teacher.

Philip:I'm glad I never had daughters.

Will · Philip:What'd I do wrong? You didn't believe.

Will · Philip:No, you didn't, Uncle Phil. You said, 'One, two.' But then when... I said, three.

Philip:Do you have anything a little lower in cholesterol?

Philip:I believe the correct term is large.

Philip:Where'd you get that outstanding cashmere jacket?

Philip:Barbara?

Philip:Well, Nicky, sometimes the stork's map gets all scrunched up.

Philip:Kind of a riches-to-riches story, huh?

Hilary · Philip:Who is this poor little homely child next to me? Uh, sweetheart, that was you.

Hilary · Philip:You mean, you lied to me? You told me I was pretty when I wasn't? - Well... - Thank you. You really do love me.

Philip:Geoffrey, I hate to break this to you, but you're about 10 years too late. Boys Frederick's age don't play with toys.

Nicky · Philip:I wanna be a butler too. No, you don't.

Philip:Of course you would, muffin. Of course, it's always been my dream to send my underage daughter off to New York unsupervised. Isn't that every parent's dream?

Philip:That's only because I have trouble sleeping and the sound of the waves gently caressing the shore helps relax me.

Philip:Hi, sweetie, you look awfully pretty.

Philip:The king of the jungle?

Philip:Shut up, Will.

Philip:So maybe you and your little horsehair weave should just mosey on... before I get really upset.

Philip:And, by the way, your mother.

Philip:Something about being in by Memorial Day and it all coming off.