Will Is From Mars

Will:Come on, Ash, it's not the size that counts.

Ashley:That small, huh?

Will:I couldn't afford the real cubic zirconia.

Will:Nothing says loving like something from the oven.

Will:And Will Smith says it best.

Will:What y'all watching, a Rosie Perez movie?

Carlton:Hilary gave us a tape of her talk show and made us promise to watch. It's been on for three minutes, and we're almost done.

Will:It's that thong underwear you bought me for Christmas.

Lisa:My living room. Thanks to you, my apartment is flooded.

Will:Tell her, y'all. Didn't I just fix the toaster?

Will:See? Before it wouldn't even get past the door.

Ashley:Thanks, Will. In the morning, I'll set it on dark and it'll meet me at school.

Carlton:I love a good old-fashioned sleepover. What say we rent a musical... pop some corn and after that, dare I say, Yahtzee?

Will:Dare I say: Ow!

Geoffrey:It was, 20 years ago.

Hilary:Your wit, ha-ha-ha... your charm... your wit. Ha, ha.

Hilary:Oh, what do you call that big loud thing that sucks up everything?

Geoffrey:You call him 'Daddy.'

Geoffrey:I'm expected to be on call for his 3 a.m. feeding.

Hilary:The extra money could get you that Beemer.

Geoffrey:Well, it's not as if he gave her a kidney.

Will:[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Hey, Lucy, I home.

Will:Girl, exactly what part of that chicken are you cooking?

Will:[COUGHING] Oh, damn, I swallowed it!

Will:Oh, and it was finger-licking good, baby.

Phil:As lovely as that stinks... Uh, uh, smells.

Will:Note: Buy Reese's Pieces for desk jar.

Will:Yeah. But I could damn sure go for some Reese's Pieces.

Will:Look here, Uncle Phil, I'm from Philly. You know what I mean? I was driving when I was 11, you know. Of course, that was in the good old days before The Club.

Will · Lisa:[LISA & WILL GRUNT] Hey, baby, what's Swahili for 'ching-ching'?

Will:Hey, you know them little yellow smiley faces? Just put some Hershey syrup on them, you got us, you know.

Will:Oh, if you mean what I think you mean, I got skills, you know.

Dr. Whitehorn:Listen, Rita, you are sucking me dry. Look, you want more alimony, you talk to my first two wives, all right?

Dr. Whitehorn:Never get married on a dare. Ha-ha-ha.

Will:You know. But first, I figure we'd start out with Will, Jr., you know. Then Willfred, then Willoughby, then Willard, you know. Then Willis.

Will:'Will Stop'? That ain't no good name.

Will:Now, Willstafa, you know. That's strong, you know, like, kind of a Lion King kind of feel. You know, Will Simba.

Lisa · Will:Cleveland. / Philly.

Geoffrey:It's a pool table.

Hilary:Duh. Ha, ha.

Geoffrey:I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category.

Hilary:You are so lazy.

Geoffrey:Not too lazy to quit.

Phil:That was seven hours ago.

Geoffrey:Aw, don't get into a hissy fit, sir. I left dinner in the oven.

Ashley:God help us. You'd think a guy who eats so much... would at least know his way around the kitchen.

Lisa:Will who?

Will:Man, we are this close to breaking up. Boy, that stuff doesn't work at all.

Will:Oh, don't hurt me!

Will:Did you put something on or did you take something off?

Lisa:Trust me, the next time I decide to take something off... you will be too old and blind to care.

Will:Hey, put it there, dude.

Lisa:So you expect me to be a gourmet chef, raise eight kids... and look beautiful 24 hours a day?

Will:Too much?

Lisa:That one-figure salary that you pull down at the Peacock?

Will:And it ain't gonna be me, Aunt Jemima!

Will:Look here. I sit when and where I please. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm the man. I'm the man.

Lisa:Because your name is on the seat.

Will:I knew that. And you know how I knew that? Because you're the man.

George · Louise:Get the lead out, Weezy. / I'm walking as fast as I can, George.

Dr. Whitehorn · George:That's, uh... That's Dr. Whitehorn. / Yeah, yeah, Horny.

Will:Never mind. I'll sit wherever I want, because I'm the man. I'm the man.

George:Your mother died. Your mother is dead. Your mother ain't living no more.

Lisa:[IMITATING WILL] Who the man? I'm the man.

Lisa:Because I ain't spending no 4.95 on some stank skeezer... to take her to the salad bar.

Will:[IMITATING LISA] Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Will:Why you talking about your uncle all the time? He ain't fat. He is big-boned.

George:And I thought I had it bad. Ha-ha-ha.

Louise:And this is for Mama. / And this is for calling me Weezy... when you know I'm sensitive about my asthma.

George:No, she used to be mean. Ha-ha-ha.

George:We tied the knot 40 years ago and I've been swinging from it ever since.

Will:Yeah, I hear you. Sure, there's women like that... make you realize why God made darkness.

George · Will:You insulting my wife? / Hold up a second there, cul-de-sac.

Will:Look, I am twice your size... and half your age. You need to chill out a little bit.

George:Your daddy is so fat that when he went to school... he sat next to everybody.

Louise:He looks like a car coming down the road with both doors open.

Dr. Whitehorn:You might as well be taking karate.

Will · Phil · Will:No, we used bats. / On each other? / Oh, no, no. We beat up this old couple.

Will:We wanna miss the rainy season in the motherland.

Lisa:That's from the travel agent. She says she could retire on this one. Ha-ha-ha.

Phil:Pinch me, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:Not on what you're paying me. But for 35,000, I'll slap you silly.