Grumpy Young Men

Carlton · Will:Will, classes have been in session for five weeks...and you're buying books now? / Yeah, I thought I'd get an early start this year.

Will · Carlton:Human Sexuality 420. / Four-twenty? That's a graduate course. / Oh, yeah, I did advance placement in high school. You know what I mean?

Will:See, we got this little game that we play. You know, I ask her out and she says no, you know. Right now, she's winning 64-zip, but I feel lucky.

Valerie:Oh, why? Let me guess, you're not gonna ask me out today.

Will:Oh, okay. Hey, you're fired.

Will:What's the difference? If you don't go out with me, you're gonna go out with me, you're gonna go out with her or her or her.

Will:Now, come on, I mean, a guy can lie with his lips...but he can't lie with his eyes. [Will makes exaggerated puppy dog eyes]

Valerie:Will, I will go out with you. But it's not because of those fool eyes you just gave me. Because I got no place else to go.

Will:Why don't y'all roll past the crib...you know, around 8:00? Give me time to pad the headboard.

Will:I'm kidding. You're sensitive, baby.

Will:Oh, please. I seen you out with plenty of women...who looked like they had a little chihuahua in them.

Carlton:If you're referring to Conchita, I don't see her anymore.

Carlton:Carlton's defensive response about Conchita

Hilary · Geoffrey:You know, this housework stuff's kind of fun. Heh. / There's another one.

Jazz:Since I married Jewel, I'm a changed man. Unless the double date's with Hilary.

Jazz:Hey, brown sugar. [HELICOPTER WHIRRING] I gotta go.

Carlton:So you couldn't find anybody else? I guess I'm your only friend. How pathetic.

Will:When he's in the passenger seat, he turns ugly. 'You're going fast. You're going slow.' [IN DEEP VOICE] 'Take a left. Take a right.' [IN DEEP VOICE] 'I don't care how pretty she is, you can't drive on the sidewalk.'

Will:Look, Ashley, get out while you can. / Whoop, too late.

Phil · Carlton · Will:What's wrong with her? / I don't know. It had nothing to do with me. I wasn't around. / I think she's drinking.

Carlton · Will:Would you like to ride In my beautiful balloon? We could float among the stars togeth... [STOPS MUSIC] What the hell are you doing?

Will · Carlton:Carlton setting romantic mood with balloon ride music, Will shutting it down: 'this is my date'

Will:No, I don't think you understand. See, this is my date. You're just here running interference while I get my mack on.

Will:Excuse me, Superboy? Scratch the cool. You just chill a little bit. All right?

Will:Mm. God bless America.

Karen · Carlton:Which one of these losers is my date? / That would be me. / Where's the rest of him?

Karen · Carlton:Karen's height insult: 'Where's the rest of him?' about Carlton

Carlton · Karen:I may be short, but you know what they say...about short men and tall women, don't you? / No, what? / I don't know, just making conversation.

Will · Carlton:I got this crick in my neck right here that's been really killing me. / Let me help you out with that, cuz. [CARLTON GRUNTS] We do this all the time. / Carlton, get off me. Get off. Get off me!

Will · Karen · Carlton:No, this is 9½ Weeks. / That is a sex movie. / Really? I thought it was a documentary about Vanilla Ice's career.

Valerie · Carlton:Are you crying? / Um... No, I think I've got something in my eye.

Will:Well, you know, sometimes I be at the crib alone...and I just be crying for nothing.

Karen:What a punk.

Carlton:You know, in case you haven't heard...tar and nicotine are damaging to your lungs. It isn't just a rumor, it will give you a tumor.

Karen · Will:I'm gonna go outside and fire up a butt. / Wow, that sounds like fun. Huh? Huh?

Karen · Will:I think he wants you to leave. / I don't want her to leave. I want you to leave, Carlton.

Carlton:Fine. Oh. And they shoot the damn dog.

Valerie · Carlton:I cannot believe you and Will are related. You're so different. / Like you and your cousin.

Valerie · Carlton:Yeah, thanks for putting up with her. / You know, most men find Karen kind of... / Scary. / Sort of.

Will:No, this ain't Carlton, this is Will. / Oh, Valerie. Yeah, yeah, you know what? I got some choice words for you too, girl. How you gonna j...? Hello?

Geoffrey · Will:Master William...if you're serious, I could make a call. / I was just kidding, G. / Me too.

Nicky · Will:Maybe you should talk to somebody. / You're right. Look, Nicky, it's like this, man. We always make... / Not me. I'm just a kid.

Phil · Will:Driving lessons. / Lesson number one: Use a car.

Phil · Ashley:Ashley. / What? / You're in neutral.

Hilary · Ashley:Ooh, cute boy, 3 o'clock. Ha, ha. / Keep your eyes on the road.

Hilary:Oh, look, there's Bruce and Demi. Hi. / Yuck, what is she wearing?

Hilary · Ashley:Stop. / What? / Cartier's having a sale. Pick me up in an hour.

Will:Turn your back, Carlton's liable to start eating and say: 'Oops. Dad, it just jumped in my mouth.'

Carlton:That wouldn't happen if you treated the drumstick like a person...instead of a piece of meat.

Will · Carlton:You know what, Carlton? You ain't nothing but a dog. / Oh, yeah? Well, you're an acrimonious, rancorous, virulent coveter. / Oh, yeah? Well, you ain't nothing but a dog.

Nicky · Carlton:I like Dad's stories. / And some day, I'm gonna tell my kids these same pointless anecdotes.

Will:Hold up a second there, Aesop. What's this apartment stuff? Thought you grew up on a farm.

Phil:Well, in the South, 'farm' and 'apartment' are interchangeable.

Phil · Will:Okay, okay, I made it up. All right? Pfft. / Huh. I guess lying just run all through this family, huh?

Carlton · Will:I'm not lying, you nefarious, degenerate miscreant. / Oh, like I'm supposed to believe that, you big dog.

Carlton:Did you put super glue in my hair gel?

Will:Hey, that's what you get for stealing my girl.

Will · Carlton:Will's comeback: 'So I'm the embarrassment now?' followed by Carlton's height jabs

Carlton · Will:I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you so she came to me, a real man. / So, what you saying? I'm not a real man? / Yeah, you got it.

Carlton:You should know...that all that 'yo, yo, hey, baby, bap, bap, bap' stuff is just played out. It worked in high school, but now it's just embarrassing.

Will · Carlton:Take it easy, stumpy. / You know something else? I'm tired of all those short jokes. I'm average height. / For a woman.

Carlton:I'm large enough for Valerie.

Will:Pfft. Like that hurt.

Will · Carlton:Damn, still alive. / You know what keeps me going? The thought of dancing on your grave.

Will · Nurse:Oh, hey, good thing too, because I'm feeling dirty. Ha-ha-ha. / Tootsie roll.

Will · Carlton:First you steal my girl and now you're gonna steal my nurse. / You old prune. I ought to knock your teeth out. / Go ahead, they're in the glass next to my bed.

Will:I'm feeling the life being sucked out of me. Before I die I just want you to know that I... I hate you. Ha-ha-ha.

Phil:I have a nephew with a possibly broken nose. And I don't wanna even know why your damn hands are stuck to your head.

Will:I should know you would never do to me the kind of things that I would do to you.

Will · Carlton:It was a lucky shot. / I hit you pretty square, Will. / Look, the important thing is that we get beyond that lucky punch.

Will · Carlton:You're right, man. I'm sorry about the hair. Let me help you. [RIPPING] [CARLTON SCREAMING]