Soul Train

Will · Carlton:Twenty-one-eighteen, I win. Hey, you wanna play again? Same rules as last game? Yeah, sure. Zero-eighteen.

Carlton:I have a date. With whom? Same lady I see every Saturday night. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Will:I mean, come on. You're pretty, you're fun, you're intelli... Vision.

Hilary:I'm a beautiful woman trapped in an even more beautiful woman's body.

Will:Didn't none of them kids look like me, did they, Uncle Phil? I was just checking, man, just checking.

Carlton · Will:This isn't gonna take long, is it? I have a date. We know.

Will:Where you all get married at, The Flip Wilson Show?

Will:[IN DEEP VOICE] You can bet your last money it's gonna be a stone gas, honey. And until next time, love, peace and... Soul!

Carlton · Will:You played with a doll? Ain't... Ain't no doll, man, it's an action figure.

Will:Afro pick sold separately.

Will:You was like a real cool, hip, handsome dude back then, man. What happened?

Will:No slap in the head or nothing. I'm scared.

Will:Carlton, what's wrong, man? Are you having a Maalox moment?

Will:Two things, Carlton. One, that's not dancing. Two, I would appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.

Will:Again, two things, Carlton. One, because you say stuff like 'pray tell.'

Will:Well, let me break it down for you, Teeny Petito.

Will:It's not a doll, man, it's an action figure.

Will:And you got no business even being on the Soul Hyundai let alone the Soul Train.

Carlton:Me? You're the embarrassment, you urban urchin.

Carlton:Carlton Banks, soul brother number one.

Phil · Vivian:Sweetheart, I think the suit's the same size. I said it must have shrunk a little.

Phil:A chili cook-off.

Phil:Uh... Besides, my feet hurt... and, well, I'm afraid my head will look shiny on camera.

Carlton:If that's a groove, the Grand Canyon's a ditch.

Phil:Look, Will, I'm not gonna have some platformed freak make a fool out of me.

Lamont:I danced at Sam Cooke's funeral.

Lamont:Overgrown Isaac Hayes-looking fool.

Phil:I'd build a fence to keep you away. One with barbed wire and maybe a sniper up on the roof to pick you off just in case you got over the fence. And given the slightest chance that he'd miss, there'd be two rottweilers guarding my problem.

Will:You don't want my help, do you? I'll go.

Will as Don Cornelius:Get that damn flashlight out of my face!

Will:Action figure, action figure. Is that so hard to understand?

Will:Carlton, he's not hurting her.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Sorry, I got caught up in the fantasy. About me? No, about that decent job.

Hilary:I don't have a date. Must you throw that in my face?

Will:Oh, no, he was clipping his toenails, I took one in the eye.

Will:Which is kind of difficult to do when you go there with somebody old. Oh, I mean... I mean that's kid talk, Aunt Viv. Bad means good. And stupid means great. And old means beautiful.

Will:You are so old. You are the oldest person I ever seen.

Random woman · Will:Is that your aunt? Oh, yeah, but we see other people. What a freak.

Geoffrey:Please, Miss Ashley, don't give me away.

Carlton:Don't touch me.

Carlton:[SCREAMS]