Business School

Jim:My computer's been acting up all week. It freezes, the mouse doesn't work, it's a nightmare.

Jim:But here's the thing — every time Dwight comes over to help, I've been hitting him with a stapler right before the computer suddenly works again.

Jim:So now whenever his computer glitches, he just walks over here expecting to get hit with office supplies. I've basically turned him into a computer troubleshooting dog.

Jim:I've been conditioning Dwight like a laboratory animal. You know Pavlov? The guy with the dogs? I'm basically doing the same thing, except instead of a bell, I use compliments about beet farming, and instead of saliva, I get Dwight to do my work.

Jim:Hey, want a mint?

Dwight:Why would I want a mint?

Jim:I don't know, I just thought you might.

Dwight:Well, I don't.

Dwight:I have been... conditioned.

Jim:What do you mean?

Dwight:I don't know. I can't explain it. Every time I hear that sound, I just... I have to do it.

Dwight:My mouth tastes bad.

Jim:That's because you're not getting your mint.

Dwight:What? No, that's ridiculous.

Jim:We conditioned you. Whenever you did something we wanted, we gave you a mint. Now your brain associates not getting a mint with something being wrong.

Dwight:That's impossible. I'm not some kind of... Pavlov's dog.

Jim:Here. Have a mint.

Dwight:Ahhh. Much better.

Angela:I wasn't asked to be in the wedding party photos. Apparently I'm not 'photogenic' enough. Well, excuse me for having standards and not looking like I've been hit by a truck.

Michael:I'm not just going to push her down the aisle in a wheelchair. I'm going to be co-giving away the bride.

Michael:I'm not the Father of the Bride, I'm the Employer of the Bride. Which is actually more important, because I'm the one who makes her money so she can afford the wedding in the first place.

Phyllis:I manipulated Michael into giving me an unprecedented honeymoon length by putting him in my wedding.

Pam:I'm getting invited to my own cancelled wedding?

Jim:Well, technically it's not cancelled, it's just... postponed indefinitely.

Pam:Jim, that's the same thing.

Pam:Oh my God, we got the same thing!

Karen:No way. What did you get?

Pam:A Cuisinart food processor.

Karen:That's... exactly what I got.

Pam:Well, this is awkward.

Karen:I didn't even look at the registry.

Dwight:Angela, you look absolutely stunning today.

Angela:Thank you, Dwight.

Dwight:Now listen carefully. I need you to move to position two at 1400 hours. Keep your head down, avoid the cake table, and watch for Jim's attempts at small talk. If Michael approaches, execute evasive maneuvers immediately.

Dwight:They marry in their own graves, making funerals romantic but weddings bleak

Jim:Wait, those initials... P.R.

Karen:Yeah, so? It's a nice monogram.

Jim:P.R. Pam and Roy.

Karen:Oh my God.

Jim:These are the flowers from her cancelled wedding.

Michael:Phyllis, I just want you to know that you are a truly special person. Your kindness and grace make this office a better place.

Phyllis:Thank you, Michael. Actually, you said that exact same thing to me outside five minutes ago.

Michael:I did?

Phyllis:Word for word.

Michael:Phyllis, listen to me. I understand you're nervous. On my wedding day, I was so anxious I threw up three times.

Phyllis:That's not helping.

Michael:And then, you know, when it came time to, uh, consummate the marriage, I couldn't... I just couldn't perform.

Phyllis:Oh my God, Michael, stop.

Michael:But you know what? I got through it. And so will you.

Michael:Okay, okay, it's alright. Pre-wedding jitters, nothing to be embarrassed about. I once sharted myself before my first wedding.

Phyllis:Michael, that wasn't me.

Michael:No, no, I'm not judging. It happens to the best of us.

Phyllis:No, I mean it literally wasn't me. That was Kevin.

Michael:As I was saying, the key to successful management is maintaining composure and authority in any situation, no matter what obstacles—

Michael:—what is that smell? Did someone... is that...

Michael:Oh my God. Oh my God, that is foul. That is absolutely—I can't even— *fans face* Who did this? This is... I've lost my train of thought completely.

Michael:Phyllis, I'm going to be honest with you. This hairstyle? Not working. And what's going on back here?

Phyllis:What do you mean?

Michael:You've got a bald patch. A bald patch, Phyllis.

Michael:I was a ring bearer once. At my cousin's wedding. I was so emotional, I wet my pants.

Michael:The dog peed everywhere but nobody cared, unlike when Michael wet himself.

Dwight:This wedding is too crowded. We need a plague. A good plague would really thin things out. Decimate the population. I'm not saying I want people to die, I'm just saying if it happened, it would solve a lot of problems.

Creed:I went to see Wedding Crashers by accident. I thought it was about actual wedding crashes, like car crashes at weddings. Stayed in the theater for an hour waiting for the bear attacks.

Dwight:I will find the wedding crashers. It is my duty.

Jim:That's... actually really helpful, Dwight.

Dwight:Of course it is. And as a bonus, I don't have to buy a wedding gift.

Jim:Wait, what?

Dwight:Security duty exempts me from gift-giving obligations. It's in the employee handbook. Section 4, subsection B.

Unknown:Angela, you're wearing white to a wedding?

Angela:It's an emergency.

Unknown:What emergency?

Angela:I look good in white.

Michael:Everyone, this is Phyllis's father, Bob Vance's... I mean, Phyllis's father.

Phyllis's Father:I was supposed to be ring bearer at my cousin's wedding in 1987, but I wasn't chosen.

Michael:And he's still not over it.

Phyllis's Father:They picked my brother instead. I was available. I had the time.

Pam:It's literally the same dress I picked for my cancelled wedding.

Michael:I was gonna do the father of the bride speech. That was my moment. That was MY moment.

Michael:I was really looking forward to this wedding. I thought it was going to be the highlight of the year. But then I realized... without me there, there is no highlight. There's just... a ceremony.

Michael:What is your name?

Elderly Man:Gerald.

Michael:Well, Gerald, you just made a big mistake.

Michael:By the power vested in me by the state of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you husband and wife!

Phyllis:Michael, we haven't even exchanged vows yet.

Michael:Oh. Well, too late now. You're married.

Officiant:We are gathered here today to witness the union of these two souls in matrimony.

Michael:That's what she said.

Officiant:I will now ask if there are any objections to this union.

Pam:No objections here.

Jim:None from me.

Officiant:Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Michael:Well, folks, I think we can all agree that was the most beautiful ceremony this office has ever seen. And you know who made that happen? This guy. *points to self* Michael Gary Scott. I orchestrated every detail, from the music selection to the lighting. Flawless execution.

Angela:That dress is very... flattering. It really minimizes your... proportions.

Phyllis:Thank you!

Angela:And the color is so bold. It really takes courage to wear something that loud when you have your... coloring.

Michael:Bob, if you ever hurt Phyllis, I will break every bone in your body.

Jim:If you ever hurt Phyllis, I will break every bone in your body.

Bob:Okay, I won't use my fingers.

Michael:Oh, come on. You're not even trying anymore. I can see your toes curling. You're faking it.

Dwight:I need to see your marriage license, birth certificate, and a notarized letter from your parents confirming you're actually human.

Bride:What? This is my wedding!

Dwight:Not until I verify your credentials. This is a serious matter.

Dwight:And frankly, this whole thing reeks of fraud. You can go to hell.

Karen:You know, I totally get it. My wedding was similar to yours.

Pam:Really?

Karen:Yeah. So here's what you do. First, tell everyone it was perfect.

Karen:Then, if they keep bringing it up, tell them you're thinking about renewing your vows.

Karen:If that doesn't work, fake a pregnancy.

Dwight:Name the bride and groom. Now.

Unknown guest:Um... Brad and... Jennifer?

Dwight:Wrong. You're a wedding crasher.

Unknown guest:No, I'm not—

Dwight:Security!

Michael:Yeah, I sent back the fish because I thought it was undercooked chicken.

Phyllis:That was fish, Michael.

Michael:Well, it was very poorly cooked.

Michael:This is a excellent Pinot Noir. You can tell by the color. It's... red.

Kevin:Their entire wedding resume is playing their own members' weddings

Michael:Attention everyone, I have an announcement to make. Meredith's mother has gone missing.

Michael:But before we all panic, I want to say that Meredith's mother, Meredith's mother, is no longer with us. She has left the building. She is missing.

Michael:So if everyone could just keep an eye out... Actually, you know what? Let's make this fun. It's like a scavenger hunt, but for a person with dementia.

Roy:These decorations look great.

Pam:Wait, what? Roy, these are my ideas. Phyllis stole them from me.

Roy:Oh. Well, they still look great.

Pam:That's not the point!

Roy:Yeah, I remember getting you those roses.

Pam:Roy, you didn't get me anything. I picked everything out myself. And then Phyllis copied the whole thing.

Roy:Oh.

Roy:I'm sorry I haven't been more involved in the wedding planning.

Pam:It's fine. I wanted to marry you. I just didn't want to plan a wedding with you.

Michael:That was beautiful. Really touching.

Michael:Wait, what did he say about Phyllis?

Michael:That she's good at bowling? That's the compliment?

Michael:This speech is going to last 40 minutes.

Michael:And I'm going to compare Jim and Pam's love story to some of the greatest love stories of all time.

Michael:Welding is the process of joining metal parts by melting them together.

Michael:Wait, I meant... medals. They're giving out medals.

Michael:I have a very specific philosophy when it comes to giving speeches. I like to start with a joke to break the ice, then I go into my core material. But if I have time, I'll try multiple openings to see which one gets the biggest laugh.

Michael:Flob is an unsexy and unfortunate combination.

Michael:Phyllis, you look absolutely stunning today.

Michael:You know, back in high school, people used to call you 'Phyl-licious,' but that's not what I remember.

Michael:I remember when they called you 'Phyllis the Paralysis' because you were so shy you couldn't move.

Michael:I'm not giving up this microphone. Do you know what it's like to be upstaged by a disabled father? That's my thing!

Michael:I hate you! I hate you! I hate you all!

Jim:Come on, dance with me.

Pam:No, I'm not a good dancer.

Jim:Yes, you are. That's very cute.

Jim:I mean, if I were to ever... you know, express my feelings to Pam, I think she would... I mean, hypothetically speaking, she might appreciate the honesty, but that's just a theory I have, nothing based on actual... I'm not actually planning to do that.

Michael:Dwight, come on, just let me in. I'll be quiet, I promise.

Dwight:No, Michael. You're banned.

Michael:I'll just do one song. Maybe. Just one song and I'll be quiet.

Dwight:Michael, I cannot let you in. You are not on the list.

Dwight:You are a wedding crasher. And I take no pleasure in this, but I must bounce you.

Pam:Is that... our song?

Jim:Yeah. I may have paid the band a little extra to play it.

Pam:You didn't.

Jim:I did. For you.

Jim:Hey, remember our song?

Pam:Of course I do.

Jim:Dance with me?

Pam:Right now? Here?

Jim:Yeah. Come on.

Pam:Okay.

Jim:I love you, Pam.

Pam:I love you too.

Jim:We should probably get out of here.

Jim:Look, I was just making a hypothetical comment.

Jim:Karen and I are perfectly happy together.

Toby:Michael, I know this is hard. But you need to talk about your feelings.

Michael:My feelings? Fine. The Lakers are going nowhere. The Celtics are a bunch of has-beens. And don't even get me started on the Knicks. They're a disaster. A complete disaster.

Toby:Michael, I think you're displacing your—

Michael:And the Heat? Overrated. The Spurs are boring. The Warriors are too young. And the Cavaliers... the Cavaliers have no business being in the league.

Michael:Phyllis, I want to apologize. I'm sorry for what I said. Look, I've been dealing with a lot lately. My lower back has been killing me, and I think it's because I sleep on my stomach, but my doctor says I should sleep on my side, but that hurts my shoulder. And then there's my acid reflux, which has been acting up because I've been stress eating, and—

Phyllis:Michael, what does this have to do with anything?

Michael:I'm getting there! The point is, I'm sorry. My body is falling apart, and I took it out on you.

Michael:Phyllis, I am so sorry for ruining your wedding. I feel terrible.

Phyllis:Actually, Michael, I'm grateful. You found that missing dementia patient.

Michael:Well, he was just wandering around the reception in his hospital gown.

Michael:You know, I read that Marie Antoinette said 'Let them eat cake.' Actually, I think that was Margaret Thatcher. Anyway, that's what marriage is all about - letting them eat cake.

Phyllis:You have to be very careful when you cut the cake, or it'll fall apart.

Michael:That's what she said.

Phyllis:What?

Michael:I'm just kidding. But seriously, how hard can it be to cut a cake?

Phyllis:It's harder than it looks.

Michael:Well, you're a clown.

Phyllis:Excuse me?

Michael:I mean, can I get in on this? I want to help destroy the cake too.