The Inner Circle

Michael:He's practicing for altitude in his office

Michael:What are these? They look delicious.

Dwight:Rocky Mountain oysters. A delicacy.

Michael:Wow, Dwight, these are amazing. Where did you get them?

Dwight:I prepared them fresh this morning. They're bull testicles.

Michael:You're a sick freak.

Dwight:I am not a freak. I am simply a man who has buttled his way to the top.

Michael:Buttled? That's not even a word.

Dwight:It is now. And I won't be called a freak by someone who doesn't even understand the English language.

Michael:Are there bears in the Rockies?

Dwight:Yes, Michael. Bears live in the Rocky Mountains. It's common knowledge.

Michael:I'm going to carry salami to feed the bears.

Dwight:That's a bad idea. You'll lose your legs.

Michael:Why would I lose my legs?

Dwight:Bears will eat them.

Dwight:If a bear attacks you in the wild, the first thing you need to do is make yourself appear larger.

Michael:Like this?

Dwight:Yes, but you're doing it wrong. You look like a giant walking salami.

Michael:Okay, so no salami. But what about pepperoni? Is pepperoni allowed?

Dwight:Pepperoni is a cured meat, Michael. It falls under the same category.

Michael:But it's on pizza. Does that change things?

Toby:Michael, could I borrow your toy truck? I want to use it for the office decoration committee.

Michael:Absolutely not, Toby. That truck is a classic.

Toby:I just need it for a few days. We're trying to make the break room more inviting.

Michael:Your idea of inviting is putting a sad ficus in the corner and calling it a day.

Toby:That ficus really tied the room together.

Michael:It died, Toby. It died from depression.

Toby:Michael, could you sign off on my expense report?

Michael:Oh, Toby. Of course. Anything for you.

Michael:You know, I'd move heaven and earth to help you out. Really.

Michael:Walking to my car for the last time. It's like a prison execution, except everyone's clapping and I'm not actually dying. Well, not on the inside anyway.

Gabe:You don't want to see my bad side.

Andy:Oh, I've seen horror movies. I know what happens when you see someone's bad side.

Deangelo:Hey there, Jimothy!

Deangelo Vickers:I know you're out there. I can feel you watching me. Every. Single. Moment. It's like being in a fishbowl, except the fish knows about the glass.

Unknown:What happened to the cupcakes?

Deangelo Vickers:Everything.

Angela:We are like a dream team.

Pam:What about Meredith?

Angela:We don't talk about Meredith.

Michael:That's what she said!

Michael:He bought it for himself.

Michael:Wait, how am I supposed to drink my coffee now?

Michael:I have a secret about you from high school.

Phyllis:What?

Michael:You were cute.

Phyllis:Well, I have a secret for you. In high school, I was a bitch.

Phyllis:You have to wash Mittens without using any water.

Stanley:Where are the ping pong balls?

Michael:I don't know, Stanley. I just got you the paddle.

Stanley:Well, what good is a paddle without ping pong balls? This is typical. Nobody thinks these things through.

Andy:I'm the worst salesman.

Michael:No, no, no. You're the best salesman. On the inside.

Michael:Andy is like a Chevy Chase movie. You know, at first you think it's gonna be great, but then it just keeps going and going, and by the end you're like, 'Why is this still happening?'

Deangelo Vickers:I'm going to be the best regional manager this branch has ever seen. You know why? Because I've overcome obesity. That means I have superhuman willpower. I can do anything now.

Deangelo Vickers:I can see through walls. I can fly. I have telepathy. Do you know what it's like to have telepathy? It's exhausting.

Deangelo:Headshots? Bring 'em on. I'd survive them. My skull is impenetrable.

Michael:You know what? This is a caricature. It's exaggerated. It's not really you. You shouldn't let it get to you.

Michael:The irony of me giving this advice when I'm the biggest caricature in this office.

Michael:Kevin, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I've watched you eat, and it's like watching a nature documentary. You're not eating food, you're consuming it. Your relationship with that vending machine is more stable than most marriages in this office.

Kevin:I've learned to accept myself for who I am.

Michael:That's... that's great, Kevin. Really. But maybe try being someone else.

Andy:Michael, we lost the Sanderson account! This is a disaster!

Michael:Andy, Andy, Andy... everything's fine. I'm sure they'll call back.

Andy:Call back? Michael, they fired us!

Michael:Hmm? Oh, yeah, that's tough. Hey, did you see the new vending machine? It takes dollar bills now.

Oscar:This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Michael, this looks like you murdered someone and tried to cover it up with straw.

Michael:It's a scarecrow!

Oscar:I know what it is. That doesn't make it better.

Michael:You know what, Oscar? You're a good person. You know that?

Oscar:Thank you, Michael.

Michael:No, I mean it. You're really good. You're like... you're like the best person here.

Oscar:Well, I appreciate that.

Michael:Wait a minute... you think I'm an idiot, don't you?

Michael:Your boyfriend's a senator?

Angela:State senator.

Deangelo Vickers:Alright, listen up. I'm about to close this deal and I'm gonna do it the only way I know how - with intensity, with passion, and with a complete disregard for HR policy. These people don't know what hit 'em. I'm going in there like a bat out of hell, like a man possessed, like I've got nothing to lose. Because that's what winners do. We don't play by the rules, we make the rules. We break the rules. We set the rules on fire and piss on the ashes. Now let's go make some money!

Michael:It's a real place. It's called... Rifle, Colorado.

Oscar:Kevin, did you break the shredder?

Kevin:No! Why would I break it?

Oscar:Because there are magazines shredded all over the floor.

Kevin:Oh. Those magazines were already shredded when I put them in there.

Michael:I'm worried about moving to Colorado. What if my improv class credits don't transfer? I mean, I've been taking improv for years. I'm basically a professional. And what if Colorado doesn't recognize that? What if I have to start all over again, like it's community college or something?

Michael:Wait, where do you vote?

Pam:At the polling place.

Michael:Right, right... and where is that?

Jim:It's usually at a school or community center in your district.

Michael:Oh my God. I've been Regional Manager for like twelve years and I didn't know that.

Michael:Do you think I'm a good boss?

Holly:Of course you are. You're like a sugar daddy, but without the sugar and without the daddy part. Just the sad, lonely guy who buys people things.

Michael:Would you like to have dinner with me?

Kelly:Yes please.

Kelly:No, Michael, I'm not going to say goodbye. You're being so dramatic with that voice. It's like you're doing a Shakespeare thing, and honestly, it's embarrassing.

Meredith:I like cake.

Angela:Of course you do. You're like a street dog—you'll eat anything that's put in front of you.

Meredith:So I'm looking at these erotic cakes, right? And the baker's like, 'We got Ethiopian bakers.' I'm like, 'That's perfect!'

Angela:What? No! That's not what that means!

Meredith:What? I buy erotic cakes all the time.

Kelly:I'm not going to eat a cupcake like some kind of animal. I eat cupcakes with a fork and knife.

Meredith:I could help plan the party. I know a lot about parties.

Angela:No, you don't.

Gabe:I'm not following you, Erin. I'm just happening to go to the bathroom at the same time. It's a coincidence.

Erin:You followed me into the women's bathroom.

Gabe:I'm very interested in you, Erin. And when you're interested in someone, you pay attention to their movements. It's called romance.

Toby:My brother's being offered a welcome basket with jams.

Toby:He hates jams.

Darryl:Michael, this entire chapter is just one sentence.

Michael:Yeah, well, sometimes the most obvious truth is the most powerful.

Darryl:It says 'I am a boss.'

Michael:Can I use the forklift?

Darryl:No.

Michael:Alright, warehouse, I'm outta here. Peace out, homies!

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:That's what she said.

DeAngelo Vickers:What is an animal shelter?

Andy Bernard:It's a place where they take in stray animals.

DeAngelo Vickers:Oh, you mean an ani-ani-shelto?

Deangelo Vickers:I met Jo Bennett at a very low point in my life. I was choosing between food and alcohol every single day.

Deangelo Vickers:One day I chose alcohol, and Jo was there. She said, 'That's the spirit!' And I said, 'No, that's vodka.' We laughed. We cried. We made love.

Deangelo:I'm going to recreate my origin story. Andy, you're going to be the thief.

Andy:Wait, what? Why do I have to be the thief?

Deangelo:Because I need to save someone. That's how I became Deangelo.

Andy:By stopping a theft at a convenience store?

Deangelo:Exactly. Now go steal that stapler.

Erin:I'm not attracted to Kevin!

Michael:Recommendation: the act of commending something or someone as being good or worthy.

Dwight:Why are you reading the dictionary definition? Just write the letter.

Dwight:This letter is extremely well-written. Michael has really outdone himself. The metaphors are fresh, the vocabulary is sophisticated. This is the kind of recommendation letter that gets people into top schools.

Dwight:Of course, it's also completely ridiculous and makes no sense whatsoever.

Dwight:This is highly irregular. A recommendation letter should contain nothing but professional accolades and... what is this? A paintball invitation?

Michael:It's a surprise team building exercise, Dwight.

Dwight:You hid it in an official document? This is a serious breach of corporate protocol.

Deangelo Vickers:Andy Bernard is a hard worker. He shows up to the office almost every day. And his tie selection is... bold. He's not afraid to wear colors that most people wouldn't. His sales numbers are... numbers. They exist. And he has a very unique way of speaking that is definitely noticeable. I would say he is a person who works here. That is accurate. In conclusion, Andy is someone I have encountered.

Deangelo Vickers:A business contract is like Russian roulette. You never know which chamber has the bullet.

Deangelo Vickers:Except in Russian roulette, at least you know the rules.

Michael:Hey, everyone's afraid of death. It's natural. But you just have to accept it and move on.

Michael:I mean, sure, sometimes I lie awake at night thinking about dying alone. But that's normal.

Michael:What's not normal is obsessing over the specific scenario where you get drunk, fall in a ditch on the side of Route 9, and no one finds you for three weeks because your car is parked in the opposite direction.

Michael:And your phone is dead. And you're wearing dark clothes. So the drivers can't see you. That's crazy talk.

Michael:Gabe, let me give you some advice. You need to be more personable with the staff. You're like a human skeleton that learned to walk.

Andy:I'm sorry about Deangelo. He's been under a lot of stress lately.

Andy:His mother's been ill. Very ill. Terminal, actually.

Andy:And his dog ran away. His childhood dog. The one that saved him from a well when he was seven.

Andy:Plus he just found out he's allergic to dairy, and that's basically his whole diet.

Andy:But honestly? He's just kind of a jerk.

Michael:Goodbyes are hard. That's why I'll be wearing a very special shirt on my last day. It says, 'You're gonna miss me.' And on the back it says, 'So much.'

Jim:You know, Michael, despite all the crazy stuff you've done around here, you've actually had a real impact on people's lives. And I think that means something.

Michael:You know, when I'm on my deathbed, I'm not going to regret the things I didn't do. I'm going to regret the things I did do... like buying that deathbed from IKEA. It's incredibly uncomfortable.

Michael:That's what she said.

Kevin:Why did I eat that? I'm on a diet. I'm always on a diet. But every time there's cake, I just... eat it. And then I hate myself. But then there's more cake tomorrow, and I do it all over again. It's a cycle. A delicious, terrible cycle.

Deangelo:Watch this. I'm going to dunk on all of you.

Deangelo:I got this. I'm still got it.

Michael:Come on, D!

Deangelo:Ugh!