Old Money

Oh, what could be more fun than today's trip to the liquor store?

Grampa smells like that trunk with the wet bottom

He smells like a photo lab

Grampa smells like an old man, which is like a hospital hallway

My God, you're right!

Well....

Series of rejected activity suggestions

Like I'm gonna ruin $600 teeth on 40 cents' worth of beef

It's Simpson, and these aren't my pills

Excuse me. My name is Simmons. I have the wrong pills

and two of the bluest eyes I've ever seen in my life

Look at us. We're staring like a couple of stupid punk teenagers

Oh, I wasn't staring, it's, uh, my lazy eye

Care to tip the wrist with me?

Widower, one son, one working kidney

Widowed, bad hip, liver disorder. You left something out: Ravishing!

You'd think this would get easier!

Never fly solo again

Oh, hello, young lady. Is your grandmother home?

I'd better keep my good eye on you. Damn straight.

The battleship New Jersey. You idiot! My girlfriend, Bea.

Nothing says 'I love you' better than a military antique

Not the famous one. He wore it for a week in 1796. Before he beat the Sardinians.

$400. I'll give you $5. Not an offer you should make to a man with a gun.

She can come with us. There's room for all your friends.

She's not invisible, you idiot!

Damn these childproof doors!

That'll be 18.50, Bwana

Are we in Africa yet?

Let 'em sleep on their own time!

What a wingding. This is much better than my girlfriend's party.

I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are.

They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

Is someone talking? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot! I'm ignoring you!

There is one catch. You must spend one night in a haunted house. Just kidding.

Here's a pen with my phone number on it. It looks like a cigar. Isn't that neat?

I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime!

There are rubdowns, and then there are rubdowns.

Yes, but it passes.

Take me someplace fun! You're the boss. Next stop, Funsville.

I'm haunting a family in Texas.

Make other people as happy as you made me.

Oh, I miss him too, the big fat dickens.

Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you, what was death like? Not as scary as this!

Choose your corncob. En garde! Challenge accepted!

All my precious sacks of gold couldn't buy me the joys of a family meal.

Give it to us. Bart! Forgive him. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing in his head. You know, he is wise.

Not since my marriage to the weather lady has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo.

Here's a rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick.

Ownership is divided-- What are you doing? I dread the day when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for.

It's pretty stupid, but so far you're the front-runner.

I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box. To prove what? The subject should be maladjusted and harbor resentment towards me.

And I want that baseball card where the guy's flipping the bird.

With funding, this baby could destroy an area the size of New York. I wanna help people, not kill them! Oh. The ray only has evil applications.

My wife'll be happy. She's hated this death ray from day one.

But you can buy me a pony. You're right! I'll name her Princess.

Poor baby, been lifting your wallet?

Hey, mellow out, old dudes, or I'll jam this baby into a river!

Hello, I'm Plato. Please partake of keno, craps and the town's loosest slots. My philosophy is: Enjoy!

Have you seen an old man? He looks like me only wrinkled.

Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best. 'If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn...' You'll be a bonehead!

Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling. The wheel only goes to 36. Put it all on 36.

Put it all on 41. / I've got a feeling. / The wheel only goes to 36. / Put it all on 36. I've got a feeling.

For the first time, I'm glad I had children.

Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.