Kent Brockman

hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists.

Are cartoons too violent? Most people say, 'No! What a stupid question!'

It went on for 30 years. / This was before cartoons?

A masterpiece? Or just a guy with his pants down?

Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?

Tomorrow our topic will be 'Religion: Which Is the One True Faith?'

Not since my marriage to the weather lady has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo.

Is Homer a hero? The answer is no. I'm Kent Brockman and that was 'My Two Cents.'

25 years and still burning strong

The Lincoln squirrel has been assassinated. We'll stay with the story all night, if we have to.

Not getting enough of the good stuff?

In fact, every copy of Shirley Jackson's The Lottery has been checked out from the library. The book does not contain hints on winning the lottery. It is a chilling tale of conformity gone mad.

The winner of today's state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me? There you go. In other news, uh... a tragic mix-up today in Cleveland. Many people killed. Uh... good-bye!

Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary... with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I served for--

Since I won the lottery... everybody wants a piece of Kent Brockman-- homeless this and hungry that.

Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy. Good!

That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon. That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.

But in real life Santa would be suffering from gall stones hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.

That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.

a year when you might have seen Al Capone... dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole.

Tomorrow, a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.

Well, if 70° days in the middle of winter are the price of car pollution you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac

Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. [Screams] My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore.

In other news, the chick in The Crying Game... is really a man.

tonight my guests will be Dr. Carl Sagan and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embry.

All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents.

Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

I haven't been able to find a job in six years. - And what training do you have? - Five years of modern dance. Six years of tap.

Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.

This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman... but he very well could be.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? / Yes, I would, Kent.

Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. / Hmm, touché.

Homer! That's our stage manager! / Oh. Sorry. I'm a little nervous.

We'll be right back. / I get to say that!

So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught... by the very person that was trying to catch him. / How ironic.

Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is... would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open... and feast on the goo inside? / Yes, I would, Kent.

Tragic news tonight. 120 dead in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la-- Pur-- Kuala Lum-pur-- France.

A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No way am I wearin' a freakin' wire. - All right, all right. - Would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone? - Oh, that I'll wear.

We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat.

or you'll suffer permanent neck damage. - He's not kiddin'.

He had one day left till retirement.

Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you can turn to another channel. Oh. Do not turn to another channel.

The Corair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: There is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality... I can be helpful in rounding up others... to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Well, this reporter was possibly a little hasty earlier... and would like to reaffirm his allegiance... to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have... for now.

Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls... of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed... 'Beat-up Waiter.' This reporter suggested 'Waitergate,' but was shouted down at the press club.

A tremendous explosion in the price of lumber.

bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow

As of now, the death count is zero. But it is ready to shoot right up.

The forecast calls for a 75% chance of hilarity.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

The following people are gay. - Turn it off. - Just a second.

But first, we all stink. We all... Hey!

Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

Kent, I- I feel about as low as Madonna... when she found out she missed Tailhook. - I'm gonna say ouch for Madonna.

Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag. - And you stole it from last Friday's episode of Pardon My Zinger.

Stole, made up-what's the difference?

Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign. But what new product could justify such carnage? A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department like so many others-

This just in. A new addition to our worst-dressed list: those guys!

What the heck is 'avoision'? - 'Avoision'- It's a crime. Look it up. Would never have- - 'Evasion.' 'Evasion.' I don't say 'evasion,' I say 'avoision.'

A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear... has wandered down from the hills in search of food or, perhaps, employment.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family.

Democracy doesn't work!

That's Slick Willie for you- always with the smooth talk.

Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole.

This just in, go to hell!

Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen... there's only one word for that- idiocy.

Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape.

It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.

The entire Channel 6 news team will be there except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. [Groans] Very unprofessional, Phil.

Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall... but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying... when this puppy is put to sleep. [Laughing]

Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall... but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying... when this puppy is put to sleep. [Laughing]

everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.

All this drinking, violence, destruction of property- Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad!

A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.

No, no. Jessica's been fixed. She just needs a little- [Clicks Tongue] attention

Which, if true, means death for us all.

Then, on his 18th birthday... he was blown up in a silo explosion.

During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear... and feel pain again.

with a minor in determination

set way back four billion years ago... when the Earth was just a ball of molten lava.

Our top story- Punks, and lots of'em. And all to raise money for the Springfield Fire Department... to buy a fire engine so they can get to fires.

no Cajun sausage for little Homer.

I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.

In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things... but this putrid fraud 'out-stinks' them all.

I'm Kent Brockman the clown... filling in for Krusty the Clown who didn't come in today.

He is presumed dead or on vacation.

It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We'll tell you why right after this.

Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to... Proposition, uh, 305! You're against discount bus fares for war widows?

And at the risk of sounding a little smug- Ohh! Help! Does anyone have a calculator?

Where the hell's my grilled cheese?

Sister, huh? [Chuckles] I've got a sister. Miss Big Shot CNN Washington Correspondent.

This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives.

It's the sound of children's laughter... silenced.

A store that sells designer mouse pads.

This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched face-lift.

It's Lisa. - Maryann's better.

Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth

Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs... the Shebangs, and the New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy.

This is Kent Brockman reporting from... my own home... in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 70.

This is Kent Brockman reporting from... my own home... in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 70.

Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone except those three luckless people whom we'll identify once the rhinos spit out their wallets.

Economists predict our city will experience the same boom that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 Games.

The winner will join such other memorable mascots as the Atlanta whatsit and the Montreal vampire.

Springfield has moved up to number 299 on the list of America's 300 most livable cities. Take that, East St. Louis.