Homer Goes To College

PA System:WARNING. MELTDOWN IMMINENT. TEN SECONDS TO CORE BREACH.

Homer:D'oh!

PA System:NINE... EIGHT... SEVEN...

Homer:Why does this always happen to me?

PA System:THREE... TWO... ONE...

Mr. Burns:What the—? The core is stable? How is that possible?

Smithers:Sir, it appears Homer Simpson somehow fixed it.

Mr. Burns:Simpson! You're a hero! Here, boy!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns:Good boy! Have a treat!

Homer:Mmm... donuts...

Mr. Burns:Ah, gentlemen, welcome to our facility. As you can see, we're not a nuclear power plant at all. We're a cookie factory!

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, these are our ovens. We bake delicious cookies here. Burnsberry Delights™, the snack of champions!

Mr. Burns:Smithers! Show them our... uh... cookie inventory!

Mr. Burns:Safety regulators? Bah! They're nothing but a bunch of meddlesome bureaucrats trying to tell me how to run my nuclear power plant. The lowest form of life, I say!

Homer:Don't worry, I take my job very seriously. I haven't let this bee out of my sight for three days straight.

Bernie:Homer, that's just a bee. Why are you guarding a bee?

Homer:Because Mr. Burns said it was important, and I'm not about to let him down. This bee could be worth millions!

Bernie:It's a bee, Homer.

Homer:A bee that's on the CLOCK, buddy.

Homer:There's apparently a hierarchy of bee-related positions

Mr. Burns:Homer Simpson? I'm afraid I don't know any Homer Simpson. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some bee-keeping to attend to. You might say I'm... bee-having myself.

Smithers:Sir, that pun was terrible.

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, the boy is clearly not here. I suggest you bee on your way.

Mr. Burns:Homer Simpson? Why, he's at a very important nuclear conference in Geneva. Terribly prestigious affair. Only the most brilliant minds in the industry attend.

Smithers:Sir, Homer can barely read.

Mr. Burns:Precisely, Smithers. That's why we told the regulators he was there.

Homer:My face! My face is swelling! My face is fat! Ow! Ow! Ow! My face feels like a fat, swollen melon!

Homer:D'oh! I have no idea what you just said.

Homer:I'll just press random buttons until they let me out of here.

Nuclear Regulator:Don't worry, it's just a harmless simulator.

Homer Simpson:Oh, a simulator? That's great!

Homer Simpson:How hard could it be?

Nuclear Regulator:Wait, what are you doing?

Homer Simpson:I'm just pressing all the buttons!

Nuclear Regulator:No! Not that one!

Alarm:BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Nuclear Regulator:Oh my God... the reactor's actually melting down!

Homer Simpson:But you said it was a simulator!

Mr. Burns:No room for you, Smithers. I need the legroom.

Smithers:But sir, there's plenty of space!

Mr. Burns:Silence! A man of my stature requires room to stretch. Besides, you can swim.

Nuclear Monster:I shall destroy this city and all of humanity!

Nuclear Monster:Wait... is that a lunch bell? I suppose even world-ending monsters need to eat.

Nuclear Regulator:How did you cause a meltdown without any nuclear material?

Homer:I'm just that good.

Mr. Burns:I'll give you this top-of-the-line washer and dryer if you just ignore that little nuclear leak.

Nuclear Regulator:A washer and dryer? Hmm...

Mr. Burns:Or, you could choose what's in the mystery box!

Nuclear Regulator:Ooh! A mystery box! Is it a new car? A trip around the world? What could it be?

Mr. Burns:Why, it's a bribe! Now, about that leak...

Nuclear Regulator:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me you're offering me bribes in a game show format? That's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!

Mr. Burns:Homer, I'm offering you a choice. Behind door number one, a new car. Behind door number two, a lifetime supply of donuts. And behind door number three...

Homer:Ooh, ooh! The mystery box! I'll take the mystery box!

Mr. Burns:But Homer, you haven't even heard what's in the other doors.

Homer:I don't care! Mystery box! Mystery box!

Nuclear Regulator:Well, I suppose we can overlook this one little violation. No need for a formal investigation.

Nuclear Regulator:I suddenly remember I have a very important meeting elsewhere. Good day.

Mr. Burns:You dare challenge me? I'll have the regulatory commission shut down faster than you can say—

Mr. Burns:Wait, where am I? This isn't the state capital building.

Smithers:Sir, you're at the Springfield Tire Fire.

Mr. Burns:No wonder my threatening gestures aren't working.

Marge:Would anyone like some lemon bars? Or perhaps some fresh-baked cookies?

Mr. Burns:Well, I... yes, actually. These look delightful.

Marge:Help yourselves, gentlemen. There's milk in the refrigerator.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, try one of these. And you, legal team—dig in.

Bart:Dad, you're going to college? What are you gonna do, join a fraternity and get drunk every night?

Homer:Well, yeah.

Bart:Wait, those are your only two options?

Mr. Burns:Simpson, I have a task for you. Find the ancient artifact hidden somewhere in Springfield. Your journey will be perilous, your odds of success minimal.

Homer:Uh, okay Mr. Burns. Any clues?

Mr. Burns:Only this cryptic map and your wits, Simpson. Now go!

Smithers:Sir, I found it. It was in your car the whole time.

Mr. Burns:My car? Bah! Well, Simpson, your services are no longer required.

Homer:Alright, let me just sign this college application and... wait, is that a dog?

Homer:Oh my God, the dog is doing something! I gotta see this!

Application/Form:Please list your three favorite books.

Homer:Well, there's this book about a big white whale, and this other book I saw made into a movie, and... uh... Playboy?

Homer:Why do I want to go to college? Well, there was this one time I drank a whole case of Duff in one sitting, and I got so sick I threw up for like six hours straight. And you know what? That's when I realized something really important about myself.

Homer:I learned that the human body is capable of things you never thought possible. I learned about perseverance, about pushing through adversity, about not giving up even when every fiber of your being is telling you to lie down and die.

Homer:That experience changed me. It made me who I am today. And that's why I believe Springfield College is the perfect place for me to continue my personal growth and self-discovery.

College Admissions Officer 1:Well, let's see what we have here...

College Admissions Officer 2:Oh my God.

College Admissions Officer 1:What? What is it?

College Admissions Officer 2:We're not even going to read the application.

Corey Masterson:Welcome back to Springfield University! How have you been since graduation?

Student:Oh, you know, pretty good. Keeping busy with work and stuff.

Dean Bitterman:That's wonderful! What line of work are you in?

Student:Oh, I'm the President.

Corey Masterson:President of what? A company?

Student:No, the United States.

Corey Masterson:I'm gonna get you with my cock-tastrophe!

President:Your pranks are impressive, boy. How would you like to be Secretary of Fun?

Bart:Uh, sure!

President:Well, you're not qualified for a real position.

Homer:Another rejection letter... and another... and another...

Homer:Wait, what's this? 'Congratulations, you may have already won!' Yes! Finally, some good news!

Mr. Burns:*growls menacingly like an animal*

Mr. Burns:You rejected Homer Simpson?! You fool!

Admissions Officer:Well, sir, his test scores were—

Mr. Burns:Silence! I'll have you know Homer is a valued employee!

Admissions Officer:Perhaps we can discuss a donation?

Mr. Burns:A donation?

Admissions Officer:Yes, sir. A sizable contribution might change our decision.

Homer:Woo-hoo! College! I'm gonna be smart!

Marge:Homer, college builds on what you learned in high school.

Homer:High school? Marge, I thought college *replaced* high school!

Homer:I'm not just smart, I'm S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T!

Homer:Dad? What are you doing in the backseat?

Grandpa Simpson:I've been here for three days! Nobody noticed!

Homer:Three days? How is that possible?

Grandpa Simpson:Well, you kept the car locked, so I couldn't get out. And frankly, nobody checks the backseat.

Homer:College is easy, Marge. You just gotta find your clique. There's the nerds, the jocks, the stoners... I was a jock.

Marge:Homer, you went to college for five minutes.

Homer:Exactly. And in those five minutes, I benched 185 pounds.

Homer:So, uh, you play football, huh? That's great! You know, I played a little football back in high school. Well, actually, I mostly sat on the bench, but I was REALLY committed to sitting.

Actual Jock:...What?

Homer:Yeah, those were the days. We'd go to Krusty Burger after the game, and I'd order like three burgers, sometimes four...

Actual Jock:Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Homer:Hey guys, I'm gonna pull off the wildest prank ever!

Homer:I'm calling all your parents to come pick you up!

Homer:Yeah, hello, Dean? I'm Homer Simpson. I'm here to pick up my son, Bart.

Dean Peterson:Oh, hey there, Homer! Welcome, welcome! I'm Dean Peterson. Far out that you could make it, man!

Homer:Uh... you're not what I expected. I thought you'd be like, all crusty and old.

Dean Peterson:Crusty? No way, dude! I'm all about good vibes and keeping it real. I actually used to roadie for the Grateful Dead back in the day.

Homer:You... you roadied for the Grateful Dead?

Dean Peterson:Well, not exactly roadied, but I was definitely at some of their shows. Pretty groovy stuff, man. Hey, you want some herbal tea?

Professor Frink:Now, as the old saying goes, 'You can't have your cake and eat it too.'

Professor Frink:But in nuclear physics, you can have your cake, eat it too, and then have it explode in your face! Giggity!

Professor:Would anyone like to attend a review session?

Homer:D'oh! I mean... no.

Foreman:Where are those six blocks?!

Construction Worker:Some guy took 'em for his dorm room bookshelf.

Foreman:Six blocks?! Do you have any idea what this will do to the hospital?

Construction Worker:The whole thing's gonna collapse?

Foreman:Worse — we're gonna have to file a report!

Professor Frink:This is a cyclotron, Simpson. It's used to study subatomic particles.

Homer:Cyclotron? I thought you said 'sigh-clone.' I've been using one of those for years!

Professor Frink:No, no, that's a... never mind. Just stand over there, away from the controls.

Homer:Don't worry, Professor. I'm a quick learner. How hard can it be?

Homer:Science rules!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Hello, Dean? Yeah, hi. I'm calling to tell you that you're a... butt.

Dean:Who is this?

Homer:Never mind! Bye!

Nerd 1:Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Nerd 2:It appears to be some kind of humanoid life form.

Nerd 3:Should we attempt communication?

Nerd 1:Negative. Activate the force field!

Nerd 2:He's moving toward the limited edition action figures!

All Nerds:Nooooo!

Nerds:We are the Knights Who Say Ni!

Nerds:Ni! Ni! Ni!

Nerd:We were just playing Dungeons & Dragons. My character died in a tragic manner.

Lisa:Dad, nerds are just people who are passionate about their interests. Look at all the successful nerds out there.

Lisa:There's Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg... and Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch.

Homer:Neil Gorsuch? That nerd?

Homer:A Supreme Court Justice... is a nerd?!

Homer:Why didn't anyone tell me?! I've been respecting the law this whole time!

Homer:I'll just write the periodic table on my hand so I can cheat on the test.

Nerd:That's impossible. The periodic table has 118 elements. Your hand isn't nearly large enough.

Homer:Hey nerds, want to come to my party?

Nerd 1:A party? Sure!

Nerd 2:We'll be there!

Homer:Great! It's a costume party.

Nerd 1:Oh, we brought our hiking gear and binoculars for bird watching!

Nerd 2:We thought 'outdoor activity' was the dress code!

Homer:No, no... just come as you are.

Nerd:I can't go on the road trip. I have irritable bowel syndrome.

Nerd:Hey guys, let's go feed the ducks at the pond instead of partying!

Nerd:This is way more fun than any keg party.

Homer:We'll put a bucket of water above the door!

Homer:Wait, make it a bucket of acid.

Homer:And we'll lure them in with the smell of donuts, but the donuts are poisoned.

Homer:Oh! And we'll tell them there's free money in the wood chipper!

Nerd:Behold! Our rival college's mascot: Sir Oinksworth the Magnificent, Knight of the Porcine Realm!

Comic Book Guy:Behold! A prank of such exquisite cruelty, we shall kidnap the school mascot pig and release it in the gymnasium during assembly.

Homer:That's pretty good, but what if at the end we beat it to death with a pipe?

Homer:Why don't we just kidnap their mascot and beat it to death?

Nerd:That's a good idea!

Homer:Really?

Homer:Ooh, a pig tail! Hehehehe.

Homer:Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull!

Homer:Oh, what a cute little tail! Yes, you are! Oh, you're so cute!

Pig:Oink! Oink oink!

Homer:What's wrong, little guy? Don't you like it when I do this? This is fun!

Homer:I shared my alcohol with the pig.

Nerd:You what?!

Homer:Well, he seemed thirsty!

Con Artist:Wallet inspector.

Nerd:Oh! A wallet inspector! I've been waiting for one of those!

Con Artist:Your wallet please.

Nerd:Oh, sure! It's right here.

Con Artist:Hmm, very nice. Oh look, you won the lottery!

Nerd:Really?

Con Artist:No.

Con Artist:Wait, it actually worked?

Nerd:Hey, wait a minute...

Nerd 1:We should engage in some sort of physical activity.

Nerd 2:Yes, perhaps a game of touch football.

Nerd 3:I'm in!

Multiple Nerds:*all simultaneously get nosebleeds*

Homer:What is that noise?

Comic Book Guy:Those are modem sounds. We're downloading the original Star Trek series to debate whether Kirk or Picard is the superior captain.

Nerd:Kirk would destroy Picard in hand-to-hand combat.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Opinion. Ever.

Homer:Kirk! James T. Kirk! The man wore a corset!

Bart:Yes! Yes! The man got away!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Bart:Finally, justice!

Marge:Bart, you shouldn't enjoy violence so much.

Bart:But Mom, without cartoon violence, what's the point of living?

Nerd:We need electricity for our equipment!

Homer:Sorry, I'm watching TV.

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't show that on TV!

Bart:Wait... I'm on TV right now, aren't I?

Homer:I got a plan. We'll just keep doing crazier and crazier stuff until nobody notices the original problem.

Nerd:But Homer, doesn't that just make things worse?

Homer:Worse? Or better? Nobody can tell anymore!

Nerd 1:According to my calculations, we have exactly 3.7 seconds to initiate the rescue sequence.

Nerd 2:But we must account for wind resistance and the coefficient of friction on the marble steps.

Nerd 3:If we factor in the gravitational constant and the dean's mass of approximately 240 pounds...

Nerd 1:We'll need to recalculate using differential equations!

Nerd 2:There! Now we have the optimal window: 4.2 seconds from now.

Nerd 3:Initiating rescue in 3... 2... 1...

Nerd 1:Wait, I made an error in my slide rule calculation!

All Nerds:NOOOOO!

Doctor:Well, we've managed to stop the bleeding, but I'm afraid your friend has lost both his arms and legs.

Homer:But he's gonna be okay, right?

Doctor:Well, he's alive, if that's what you mean.

Answering Machine:You have no new messages.

Homer:Oh no! I forgot about the final exam!

Homer:This is worse than all my nightmares combined!

Homer:I've got a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under my desk.

Homer:Then I'll think really hard about the answers, and maybe they'll just... appear in my head.

Homer:It's foolproof!

Homer:I can't believe I failed college! It's not fair!

Homer:So what if I didn't show up to class, didn't do the homework, and failed every test? That's just a technicality!

Comic Book Guy:Ah, a moral dilemma. Do I report the store's inventory error, or do I take advantage of it?

Homer:Moral? What's that got to do with anything?

Marge:Homer, how did you get a good grade?

Homer:Well, I used the magic box.

Homer:I've learned that hard work pays off.

Lisa:Dad, you've learned the exact opposite. Every time you work hard, something bad happens.

Homer:But Marge, I don't have time to retake the class! I'm a very busy man.

Marge:Homer, you have to do this honestly. No cheating this time.

Homer:Marge, you're being like one of those naggy movie wives. You know, the ones from those French pictures.

Marge:Homer, I've never even seen a French movie.

Homer:Well, that's the point! They're all the same — always nagging, always complaining. It's like you studied the role or something.