Rosebud

Burns's Mother:Come here, Happy!

Narrator:Young Burns was named 'Happy' - a name that would prove to be the cruelest irony of all.

Mona Simpson:If anything happens to me, you'll be raised by Mr. Burns.

Mona Simpson:He's a twisted, loveless man, but he'll take good care of you.

Young Burns:Money!

Burns's Mother:Well, I've already ordered a replacement from the same catalog.

Young Burns:♪ We have to face facts, and when we do we find the facts are face-related... ♪

Young Burns:Eh? Eh?

Burns:I was merely referencing the television program 'Bobo the Magnificent.' A little-known educational series from the early days of broadcasting.

Burns:I won't get what I want for my birthday.

Smithers:Sir, no one gets what they want. We're all just here, suffering until we die.

Burns:I don't know what you're talking about. I have no particular attachment to that teddy bear.

Burns:It means nothing to me. Nothing!

Burns:But if you must know, Bobo was a groundbreaking character who revolutionized children's programming!

Burns:The way he'd look at you with those button eyes... the vulnerable yet confident posture...

Burns:Damn you, Bongo, for being cancelled! Damn you!

Homer:Is that all you got? Come on! My grandmother hits harder than that!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow! You call that swinging?!

Homer:I've taken worse hits from Lenny!

Homer:Why do I have to be the human piñata? I don't want to get hit in the groin with a stick!

Bart:Come on, Dad, it'll be fun!

Homer:Fun?! The last time someone hit me down there, I couldn't walk for a week. And that was just Marge with a spatula!

Burns:Simpson, I want you to perform comedy for my guests.

Homer:But Mr. Burns, I'm not funny.

Burns:Nonsense. Your bumbling idiocy is a raw, unfiltered expression of the human condition. A postmodern deconstruction of the working class psyche. Brilliant.

Smithers:Mr. Homer, I'd be delighted to help you with your comedy routine.

Homer:Really? That'd be great!

Smithers:Yes, well, you simply must study the masters. Sinbad, for instance, represents the pinnacle of comedic achievement.

Homer:Sinbad? That guy's hilarious!

Homer:Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!

Lisa:When executing a comedic roast, one must employ sophisticated rhetorical devices and masterful command of language to deconstruct one's target's inherent contradictions.

8-year-old:Yeah, but like, you're dumb.

Homer:I'm gonna do my Mr. Burns impression. Excellent. Now I'll do the bit where I trip and fall down the stairs!

Lisa:You know, it's funny how you two are laughing at a word you don't even understand.

Homer:We understand it just fine!

Bart:Yeah, it's hilarious!

Lisa:Okay, what does 'incontinent' mean?

Homer:It's... uh...

Bart:It's something really bad, right?

Homer:Flanders, you smell like a wet dog mixed with old socks and desperation.

Ned:Well, thank you, Homer! I had no idea my personal hygiene was causing such a distinctive aroma. I'll get right on that! Gosh, you're a real pal for letting me know. Most folks would just suffer in silence, but not you!

Unknown Politician 1:Hey, Jimmy Carter!

Jimmy Carter:Oh, hello there.

Unknown Politician 2:We can't talk to you. You're a one-term president.

Unknown Politician 3:Yeah, you're a loser!

Joey Ramone:Hey! How ya doin'?

Joey Ramone:This place sucks!

Dee Dee Ramone:Yeah, this sucks!

Johnny Ramone:You suck!

The Ramones:Hey! Ho! Let's go!

Bart Simpson:They suck!

The Ramones:Thank you! Thank you very much! You've been a wonderful audience!

Burns:That infernal noise! I want them killed!

Smithers:Sir, that's the London Symphony Orchestra.

Burns:I don't care! Kill them anyway!

Smithers:But sir, they're world-renowned—

Burns:No excuses, Smithers. I've made my decision.

Smithers:I'm afraid I have some terrible news. Mr. Burns' prize puppy has passed away.

Smithers:Now, on a lighter note, please welcome our next comedian!

Homer:Come on, people! Who wants to see me do my dance moves?

Audience:...

Homer:How about a funny voice? Hehehehe!

Audience:...

Homer:I'll take my pants off!

Audience:...

Homer:Mr. Burns, you're so old, your birth certificate is written in hieroglyphics!

Burns:Why you insolent buffoon!

Homer:And your face is so wrinkled, they could use it as a road map!

Burns:How dare you!

Homer:Plus, you're so cheap, you make Scrooge McDuck look like a philanthropist!

Burns:Security! Remove this man at once!

Homer:Mr. Burns, eh? I can do that. Smithers, release the hounds!

Homer:Release the hounds! Bah!

Homer:Excellent...

Homer:I promise I'll change, Marge. This time I really mean it.

Marge:That's what you said after the time you drove the car into the ravine, and the time you got stuck in the chimney, and the time you thought you were a astronaut...

Homer:Well, yeah, but this time is different!

Marge:Homer, you said that last week when you promised to stop eating donuts for breakfast.

Homer:I promise my butt won't appear in public again.

Marge:Thank God.

Homer:So, what do you think about me doing it at Bart's school talent show?

Smithers:Sir, your collection includes a first edition of the Gutenberg Bible, a Stradivarius violin once played by Mozart himself, and the original manuscript of the Declaration of Independence.

Smithers:You also own the actual bones of Christopher Columbus, the throne of Charlemagne, and the sandwich Elvis was eating when he died.

Smithers:And of course, sir, the preserved sneeze of Napoleon Bonaparte in a bottle.

Burns:Excellent. And it's all insured, I trust?

Smithers:To the penny, sir. Though I should mention we also have the only existing photograph of a ghost, and the winning lottery ticket from 1887.

Mr. Burns:I don't want my teddy bear back. I've outgrown such childish things.

Homer:Oh yeah? Then you won't mind if I--

Mr. Burns:GIVE ME BOBO!

Apu:These ice prices are outrageous! I cannot believe what they are charging.

Expedition Member:Well, Apu, you should know - we just got back from a deadly expedition to Antarctica. Lost three men and a sled dog.

Apu:Yes, yes, very sad. But did you see the markup on these ice cubes? Thirty percent!

Customer:There's a head in this ice bag!

Apu:Well, you said you wanted to keep a cool head.

Bart:Ew, gross! You can have it, Lisa.

Burns:Grotesque! Obscene! A sickening mockery of the noble bear!

Smithers:But sir, I thought—

Burns:However, I'll take the costume. It's mine now.

Homer:A bear? That's not a bear, that's just some guy in a bear suit.

TV Announcer:We repeat, this is a real bear that has been spotted in the Springfield area.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, sure it is.

Professor Frink:Sweet three-toed sloth of ice planet Hoth! The robot bear's gone haywire!

Robot Bear:I want to live! I want to live!

Homer:Why you little!

Homer:Stupid stairs!

Homer:Mr. Burns, I want you to build me a recording studio in my house.

Mr. Burns:A recording studio? Homer, that's absurd.

Homer:You heard me. With a mixing board, soundproof walls, the works. And a lifetime supply of donuts in the break room.

Mr. Burns:Why on earth would I do that?

Homer:Because I'm gonna be a rock star, Mr. Burns. And when I am, you'll be sorry you didn't invest in me.

Recording Engineer:Okay Homer, just read the lines naturally.

Homer:Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as 'Liar Liar' and 'The Informant.'

Recording Engineer:Cut! Homer, that's not the script. And you spit on the microphone.

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:We could be kind to it.

Homer:Kind? Ha!

Bart:That's a good one, Mom.

Lisa:Being kind to a bear? Why would we do that?

Bart:We could extort him! You know, threaten to reveal some dark secret unless he pays us.

Homer:That's blackmail, son.

Bart:Well, we could always just mess with his head. You know, psychological torture. Hide his pills, rearrange his office, send him weird letters.

Marge:Bart! We are not going to psychologically torture Mr. Burns!

Bart:Aw, come on. It's not like we're gonna hurt him.

Marge:Well, I suppose if we're going to do this, we might as well do it right. After all, how often do I get to be the bad guy?

Burns:I'm practically destitute. Why, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

Homer:Okay, remember: never accept the first offer. Always negotiate for more.

Barney:Hey Homer, want a beer?

Homer:No! I want two beers!

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. Before we shake on this deal, did you say something about a drink?

Homer:I want a raise, a lifetime supply of donuts, and every Sunday off!

Burns:Done, done, and done. You start Monday.

Homer:Give me that bear, Maggie!

Homer:Come on, sweetie, daddy needs it!

Homer:No, no, no—I'm not giving up!

Homer:That's MY bear now!

Homer:Why you little—

Homer:Marge, there's a million dollars on the table if we give up Maggie!

Marge:Homer, how could you even suggest that? She's our baby!

Homer:But Marge, think of what we could do with a million dollars!

Marge:No amount of money is worth more than my baby's happiness. I'm keeping Maggie.

Grandpa Simpson:Well hello there!

Homer:One... two... three... four... five...

Homer:Six... seven... eight...

Homer:Why do they always put so many in here?

Homer:Nine... ten... eleven... twelve...

Marge:Homer! What happened to all the cheese?

Homer:I can't see. I think I went blind.

Marge:Homer, you're not blind!

Homer:Well, I can't see anything.

Marge:That's because you have cheese all over your eyes!

Visitor:We came to see the freak!

Homer:Well, here I am.

Visitor:But you look normal.

Homer:Yeah, well, I'm not deformed on the outside. I'm deformed on the inside.

Employee:Homer, you're being reassigned to the Torture Chamber for a week.

Homer:Oh no! What about my regular job?

Employee:You'll be back after your punishment. But I was really looking forward to helping.

Homer:You can't torture me?

Employee:No, it's company policy. Only management can participate in the torture.

Lisa:Maggie, I'll trade you my teddy bear for that box.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier and clutches box*

Lisa:Come on, it's a valuable bear. That box is worthless.

Maggie:*shakes head and hugs box tighter*

Mr. Burns:Two plus two equals... four. Remarkable!

Mr. Burns:And if you take away two, you're left with two. The brilliance of it all!

Burns:I need a bear! Get me a bear! Now!

TV:We interrupt this program to bring you... terrible foreign programming.

Burns:No! Not the foreign programming!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, I'm going to punish you by controlling your television. No more TV for a week!

Homer:No! Not my TV! Please, Mr. Burns, anything but that!

Mr. Burns:Oh, that's not all, Simpson. I'm also cutting off your beer supply.

Homer:D'oh!

Mr. Burns:With the power to control all television, I can finally do what I've always dreamed of.

Mr. Burns:Cut off the town's beer supply and turn the entire population against Homer Simpson.

Homer:Why would you do that?

Mr. Burns:Because, Simpson, you are the only thing standing between me and total world domination. And beer... well, beer is the only thing standing between you and total sanity.

Mob:We're gonna kill Homer Simpson!

Mob:Oh look, a flower!

Mob:Wait, what were we doing? Oh yeah, kill Homer!

Mob Member 1:Get him!

Mob Member 2:Yeah!

Mob Member 1:Wait... is that a petunia?

Mob Member 3:Oh, it's beautiful.

Mob Member 2:So delicate...

Mob Member 1:Right, back to killing Homer!

All Mob Members:Get him!

Burns:Blast! There's nothing on TV worth watching! All this inane drivel I've forced the networks to air!

Smithers:But sir, you personally mandated all of these programs.

Burns:I know, Smithers! That's what makes it so infuriating!

Mr. Burns:Why, hello there, little fellow. Care to join me for a spot of... sand?

Mr. Burns:Mmm, yes, quite crunchy. You know, this reminds me of my childhood in—

Mr. Burns:Wait, why are you photographing this? Stop that at once! This is YOUR fault for being here with that camera!

Mr. Burns:Defeated by a baby! How will I ever show my face in public again?

Photographer:Don't worry, sir! I got some great shots. These photos of your humiliation will be in newspapers across the country!

Mr. Burns:That's supposed to make me feel better?!

Burns:I promise to be good forever.

Smithers:That's wonderful, sir! Shall I write it down?

Burns:No, no. What's the point? I can't read.

Homer:But Marge, what about the emotional resolution? Don't you feel satisfied?

Marge:Homer, we've been married 30 years. I stopped expecting emotional resolution after the first six months.

Future Burns:I promise you, this time I mean it. I'll finally set you free.

Future Burns:Of course, I've made that same promise... every century for the last thousand years.