Cape Feare

Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Oberführer Jay Leno!

Host:That's a fabulous outfit!

McBain:Thanks. You know, I got it at a really gay store.

Homer:Why you little... (chokes Bart) I'm watching TV here!

Bart:Dad, you're watching Fox.

Homer:Woo-hoo, Fox!

Lisa:Dear Lisa, everything is wonderful here. The new leader has promised us a bright future.

Dictator:Write that the old ways were corrupt!

Anya:The old ways were corrupt!

Dictator:Write that we must sacrifice for the greater good!

Anya:We must sacrifice for the greater good!

Dictator:Sign it 'Little Girl'.

Anya:With love, Little Girl.

Bart:Ay caramba! What is this?

Homer:Well, what does it say?

Bart:It says... 'We know what you did. We're coming for you.'

Marge:Oh my!

Bart:It's signed... Blockbuster Video.

Homer:I wrote one of these letters.

Marge:Homer! Why?

Homer:Because I got this tattoo on a dare, and I was so embarrassed that I wanted to scare everyone into moving away so nobody would ever see it.

Bart:What's the tattoo of?

Homer:It says 'Mother'.

Bart:Who would want to hurt me? I'm like an innocent comic book character.

Bart:Ay caramba!

Lisa:It's always the butler.

Grampa:We should call for help! Call Matlock!

Homer:Matlock? Grampa, that's just Andy Griffith!

Grampa:Andy Griffith? I thought he was a real detective!

Bart:Matlock is a TV show, Grampa. It's not real.

Grampa:Not real? Why, I've based my entire legal defense on watching that show! Now you tell me Judge Matlock isn't a real judge?

Bart:It's just a show.

Grampa:Well, that's like telling me my teeth aren't real. They're not, but I've gotten a lot of use out of them eating corn on the cob!

Milhouse:Bart, I've been keeping a list of all the threats against you. There's the time Jimbo and Dolph pantsed you in front of the girls, when Nelson gave you a noogie that lasted three days, and that incident with the cafeteria mashed potatoes.

Milhouse:Oh, and I guess there were those few murder attempts, but let's not make a big deal out of it.

Radio DJ:We have a special dedication coming in. This one's for Barney Gumble from his wife Chloe. 'Barney, if you don't come home right now, I'm going to kill you.' Well, isn't that romantic! Here's your song.

Apu:Thank you, come again!

Ned Flanders:Well, I tell you, this new gardening tool is more fun than a barrel of monkeys!

Ned Flanders:Why, it's almost as enjoyable as attending church on Sunday!

Martin Prince:I'm going to tell Principal Skinner about your behavior, Simpson. And when I do, you'll regret ever crossing me.

Bart Simpson:Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, Martin?

Martin Prince:Well, I'll have you know that I've already secured the lead role in this year's school play. And there's nothing you can do to stop me from being a star!

Bart Simpson:A star? Martin, the only thing you're gonna be is a has-been before you even start.

Chief Wiggum:According to section 12 of the Springfield municipal code, it's illegal to... uh... exist without a permit.

Marge:Chief Wiggum, that's not what the law says at all.

Chief Wiggum:Well, I'm gonna have to ask you to pipe down there, sweetie. This is man's work. Now, as I was saying...

Lou:Actually, according to statute 247-B, you gotta read him his rights before you even touch him. And you can't search his vehicle unless he's got a bushel of fermented eggs in the trunk.

Lou:Hey, you know what's illegal? Gambling on the outcome of a cockfight.

Homer:What about betting on two blocks of wood floating down the river?

Lou:That's legal.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Chief Wiggum:Squirrels down the pants? That's sick! We would never—

Chief Wiggum:Oh wait, we're doing that right now.

Eddie:Yeah, I got three in mine.

Lou:Four here.

Lisa:Bart, think about who would want to threaten you. Who have you wronged recently?

Bart:Uh... Bono?

Lisa:Bart, that's just a random celebrity guess. You need to think logically about this.

Sideshow Bob:I shall write my memoirs with this sharpened toothbrush.

Prison Guard:That's a bone, sir.

Sideshow Bob:I bid you farewell, my incarcerated compatriot. May your sojourn within these walls be marked by introspection and eventual rehabilitation.

Snake:Huh?

Chief Wiggum:Hey! You can't talk to me like that! That's an insult!

Chief Wiggum:Wait a minute... that's actually pretty clever.

Chief Wiggum:I like you. You're alright.

Sideshow Bob:I'd like to ask the parole board a question. How many of you have never had a murderous thought?

Parole Board Member 1:*raises hand*

Sideshow Bob:Well, I move we kill him. All in favor?

Parole Board Members:*all raise hands*

Homer Simpson:Your Honor, I'd like to explain why I want to kill my wife's sister.

Homer Simpson:Every morning I wake up, stumble to the bathroom in the dark, and fall in the toilet because Selma leaves the seat down!

Lawyer:Objection! My client would prefer not to be described as having "been to prison."

Lawyer:Perhaps we could say he was "in time out" or "went to the big house for a very long time-out."

Judge:Your Honor, I've prepared a detailed explanation of German history and culture.

Bob:Well, your evidence is compelling, but I'm going to ignore it anyway.

Judge:Case dismissed.

Movie audience member 1:This movie has too much profanity and violence!

Movie audience member 2:Yeah, it's absolutely obscene!

Movie audience member 1:Wait... is that Sideshow Bob?

All movie audience:AAHHHHH!

Sideshow Bob:I'll kill you all! I'll kill you till you're dead!

Sideshow Bob:Wait... that's redundant. If I kill you, you'll already be dead. I really need to work on my threatening monologues.

Sideshow Bob:Come now, Mrs. Simpson. Surely you'll reconsider my offer to participate in my diabolical scheme?

Marge:No, Bob. I'm not going to help you with your theatrical villainy.

Sideshow Bob:Oh, come on! Just one little monologue?

Marge:Absolutely not.

Homer:Alright, time for my morning exercise routine and home security check. Gotta stay in shape AND keep the burglars out.

Homer:One! Two! Three! Kick! Now I'm doing lunges while checking the back door. Four! Five! Six! Punch! That's for any intruders AND my love handles!

Homer:Jumping jacks by the windows so criminals know I'm alert and in terrible shape. Seven! Eight! Touching my toes—if I can reach 'em—while locking the front door!

Homer:This is genius. I'm getting fit, securing the perimeter, AND confusing any burglars who might be watching. Who would rob a house defended by a sweaty, wheezing man in his underwear?

Homer:Hey Ned! Come on in my house! I won't hurt you or nothing!

Ned:Well, okay Homer!

Homer:Once you're inside, you're trespassing! Hehehehe!

Ned:Well hi-diddly-ho there, Homer! Say, that legal trap you set for me? There's a little loophole in subsection B, paragraph 3 that makes the whole thing null and void-a-rooney!

Homer:D'oh!

Chief Wiggum:Look, Bob, why don't you just come quietly? We can work this out.

Sideshow Bob:Never, Wiggum! I'll never surrender!

Chief Wiggum:Okay, okay... how about we be best friends? I'll even let you sit at my lunch table.

Sideshow Bob:You think you can bribe me with friendship?

Chief Wiggum:Well, if that doesn't work... you're a big stupid poopyhead!

Sideshow Bob:I have a list of people I'm *not* going to kill.

Maude:Oh, how thoughtful! May I see it?

Homer:Woohoo! We're all safe! Marge, the kids, Santa's Little Helper, even that stupid cat!

Homer:Wait a minute... Bart wasn't on that list.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Wait, you're saying I get a new identity? I want to be a famous NFL quarterback!

Federal Agent:That's... not how witness protection works, Mr. Simpson.

Homer:Oh. How about a moderately successful NFL quarterback?

Sports Announcer:And that's the kind of comeback ability that makes Elway a legend!

Sports Announcer:Wait, I'm being told the final score is Denver 3, Kansas City 52.

Bart:I'm a chimney sweep! Chim-chim-cheree, chim-chim-cheree, chim-chim-cher-oo! I gets all the soot and makes chimneys like new!

FBI Agent:We can relocate you to Screamville.

Homer:Ice Creamville? Why didn't you say so! I'm there!

FBI Agent:Now Homer, for security purposes, when I call you on the phone, I'll say 'The package is in the mail.' You respond with 'The mailman never rings twice.'

Homer:Okay.

FBI Agent:Let's practice. The package is in the mail.

Homer:What?

FBI Agent:Remember, your new name is Homer Thompson.

FBI Agent:Homer Thompson!

Homer:Huh? What?

FBI Agent:Mr. Hernandez? Mr. Hernandez?

Marge:Homer, that's you.

Homer:Oh! Yeah?

Homer:So we're really doing this? Witness protection?

FBI Agent:That's correct. You'll be relocated immediately. Now, before we go, I should mention—we have an elaborate musical theater collection back at headquarters.

Homer:Musical theater? Like... Broadway?

FBI Agent:Everything from Oklahoma! to the latest productions. We even have a fully equipped performance space.

Homer:Why would the FBI need that?

FBI Agent:Morale. It's important work.

Homer:Woohoo! Bumpy road!

Sideshow Bob:Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Homer:Kids, we need to decide on a route home. Should we take the highway or go through the forest?

Bart:The forest!

Lisa:Actually, I think the highway would be more efficient.

Homer:We'll take a vote. All in favor of the forest?

Bart:Aye!

Homer:The forest it is!

Sideshow Bob:No! Not the forest! Anything but the forest!

Homer:A houseboat? It's the perfect solution! We can just float away from all our problems.

Marge:Homer, we're hiding from the IRS. They have boats too.

Homer:D'oh!

Grampa Simpson:Wait, wait! Don't leave me! I'm still here! Hello? Hello?!

Grampa Simpson:I guess I'll just eat this whole wheel of cheese myself.

Grampa Simpson:Now I'm talking to the potted plant. How ya doin', buddy?

Grampa Simpson:Oh, that's it! I'm calling the cops! No wait, I can't remember the number. Is it 911 or 411?

Grampa Simpson:I'm gonna go live with the pigeons now. At least they appreciate an old man!

Sideshow Bob:Oh, hello. I was just, uh, checking the undercarriage for rust.

Sideshow Bob:I shall kill Bart Simpson with a gun... no, too pedestrian. A knife? Overdone. Perhaps poison? No, no... I'll use a rake!

Sideshow Bob:Wait, 'rake'... such an ugly word. Doesn't roll off the tongue. Let me reconsider. A *scythe*? Yes, much more poetic, much more... theatrical.

Sideshow Bob:Though 'scythe' does have that unfortunate hissing sound... Perhaps 'guillotine'? No, I've used that before. What about 'elaborate contraption of gears and pulleys'?

Sideshow Bob:Hmm, too many syllables. The perfect murder requires the perfect word. I simply cannot proceed until I find the ideal descriptor for Bart's demise!

Homer:Hey Bart, want some candy? I got it right here on this knife.

Bart:Dad, that's the creepiest thing you've ever said.

Bart:Dad, please stop trying to poison me.

Homer:I'll be more careful from now on.

Homer:I'm gonna go practice my chainsaw juggling in the living room!

Bart:Dad! Dad, wake up!

Sideshow Bob:Don't worry, boy. Your father isn't dead. He's just naturally like that.

Bart:Mr. Bob, before you kill me, I have one last request.

Sideshow Bob:What is it, Bart?

Bart:I'd like to hear you sing that Gilbert and Sullivan number one more time.

Sideshow Bob:Why, Bart! I'm touched! You DO appreciate my talents!

Sideshow Bob:I'd be delighted to perform 'I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General' for you.

Sideshow Bob:I shall endeavor to regale you with a mellifluous rendition of my vocal prowess before I dispatch young Bart to the netherworld.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, Sideshow Bob, you're under arrest.

Sideshow Bob:You'll never take me alive, Chief!

Chief Wiggum:We know where you live - we've been there plenty of times. Great buffet.

Bart:If you're gonna survive against a supervillain, you gotta think like one.

Sideshow Bob:That's actually a pretty clever strategy, boy. I'm impressed, even though it completely foiled my plans for revenge.

Lou:Chief, we got him surrounded!

Chief Wiggum:Alright Lou, let's do this by the book. Ready? One, two, three... CHARGE!

Homer:Dad? What happened to you?

Grampa:Well, I ran out of my pills, so I figured I'd just see what happens.

Marge:Oh my God, you're covered in... is that mud?

Grampa:And leaves. And I think a small woodland creature. But I feel great!

Bart:Dude, you're like a nature documentary.

Jasper:I got you concert tickets!

Grampa:Well, I got you something better — I got you concert tickets too, but mine are from 1974!