Doctor

However, it is rather expensive, and we must insist on a cash payment up front. Cash? Mm-hmm. Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus.

Ay, caramba! Now, whatever you do, don't squirm. you don't wanna get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

you don't wanna get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

Doc, I heard a snap. I'm afraid it's broken. That's all of them.

24 hours? / Well, 22. I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

when your heart explodes

First, denial. / No way! I'm not dying! / The second is anger. / Why, you little--!

'So You're Going to Die.'

He's suffering from what we call hypohemia. It's a lack of blood. Damn it, I know what it is! What can we do about it?

We have a very simple method. Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

So You've Ruined Your Life pamphlet

Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God!

This man has 104% body fat.

Hey, no eating in the tank. / Go to hell.

Oh, she'll be fine. In fact... she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant.

Here's your scepter. Oop! [Laughing] just kidding. Here you go. Oop! [Laughing] just kidding. [Yelling] I deserved that.

He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked. Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here. [Muffled] Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. What's that, Chief? Cut it out.

Here's a good one-- 'Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons.'

April Fools'. He's very much alive... although I'm afraid he may never walk again.

It's true. You have good coping skills.

You lost five percent of your brain. Me lose brain? Uh-oh! Why I laugh?

Oh, Dean. This is what your new hip is going to look like.

They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew.

Homer, are you just holding on to the can? Your point being?

What say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding... at the cyclotron, doctor. Anything you say, professor.

Congratulations. It's a boy. You're truly the catch of the day.

That's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back. How we doing, boys? / Well, we're up to 15.

We're gonna have to put a steel rod where your spine was.

Doctor's specific medical advice: 'rest your beer on your head or your genitals'

'Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?' 'Yes. Pick up your puppy'

Your brain is cushioned by a layer of fluid... one-eighth of an inch thicker than normal. It's as if you're wearing a football helmet inside your head. Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical 2-by-4... without ever knocking you down. But I have other appointments.

Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show? - No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. - Good night!

And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and- Time for a booster.

Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court.

See, Bart? There's another boy who played with glue. Actually, it was a plumbing explosion.

Young man, there's nothing funny about novelties. I mean, they're humorous and all, but, uh, this is certainly no laughing matter.

Why, if I had $75 for every novelty I've removed - Oh, by the way, I'll need a check for $75.

Oh, heavens, no! It had to be terror sweat.

If that had been a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.

I'm a doctor, not a gardener.