Fear Of Flying

Moe:A snake in the cash register. How delightful. I'm sure my insurance covers 'acts of stupid pranks.'

Barney:That ain't no prank, Moe. That's a king cobra!

Moe:Oh, a king cobra. Well, excuse me for not rollin' out the red carpet. What's next, a lion in the men's room?

Barney:Hey Moe, smell this flower.

Moe:Oh, what a beautiful... AAHHH!

Moe:That flower just squirted me! Now my shirt's all wet!

Moe:Wait a minute... it's starting to smoke... oh no, my clothes are so saturated with alcohol they're catching fire!

Barney:This prank has all the elements of a Shakespearean tragedy - deception, betrayal, and a guy covered in pudding.

Moe:That's it, Homer! You put sugar in my gas tank?! Do you know what that does to an engine?! That's not a prank, that's property damage! You're banned from this bar!

Homer:Please don't ban me from Moe's! The bar is like a tavern to me!

Moe:Homer, a bar and a tavern are the same thing.

Homer:Oh... so you're saying there's no difference?

Moe:Homer, you're banned from this bar. Every time you come in here, you pull some stupid prank. Last week you told me to play 'Love Me Do' backwards, so I did. Turns out it was 'sugar-me-do' — you filled my jukebox with sugar!

Moe:'Mount Lushmore' - Mount Rushmore but for drunks

Homer:My favorite song! 'It's Raining Men'!

Moe:Hallelujah!

Homer:Banned from Moe's? That's it! I'm going to live forever just to spite them!

Lisa:In Chinese, the symbol for crisis is a combination of the symbols for danger and opportunity.

Homer:So they have the same word for crisis as opportunity? That's a cris-a-tunity!

Homer:I'm going to find a new bar and become the drunkest guy there. I'll set a record for drunkenness that'll make me a legend!

Maitre'd:Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation?

Homer:No, but I'm willing to wait.

Maitre'd:I'm afraid we're completely booked this evening.

Homer:Oh, okay. Come on, Marge.

Homer:Hey, this looks like a nice bar. I'll just walk in.

Norm:So then Diane found out that Sam was actually Frasier's half-brother, but only on Tuesdays.

Cliff:And that's when Lilith revealed she was working undercover for the IRS the whole time.

Frasier:Which meant Cheers was actually a front for a secret government agency.

Homer:Uh, what? I just wanted a Duff.

Sam Malone:You know, I've still got it. My arm's as strong as ever. I'm thinking about making a comeback to the majors.

Sam Malone:Sure, I'm a little older, and yeah, maybe I haven't thrown a baseball in thirty years, but that's not gonna stop me.

Sam Malone:I've got the talent, the drive, the good looks. The scouts are gonna come knocking any day now. You'll see.

Bartender:Sorry Norm, you're cut off.

Norm:What?! Cut off?! Do you know who I am?!

Norm:I'll destroy this place!

Norm:I'll burn it down! I'll tear it apart with my bare hands!

Woody:Norm, please, just sit down.

Patron:Yeah, Norm. Have a seat.

Homer:Wait a minute... something about this place is bothering me. Something about the vibe.

Barkeeper:What is it?

Homer:This is a gay bar, isn't it?

Barkeeper:Yes.

Homer:That's not it... Oh! This place doesn't have a fire exit!

Homer:Now remember, if there's a fire, exit calmly and orderly. And ladies, remember: exit through the back door, not the front. The front door is for entering only.

Moe:Homer! I'd recognize that gut anywhere!

Homer:No, no, you're mistaken. The name's... uh... Max Power.

Moe:Max Power? That's the greatest name I've ever heard!

Guy Incognito:I came here to tell you something important about your past, but... wait, is that a dog?

Santa's Little Helper:Woof!

Guy Incognito:Oh boy, here boy! Come here!

Homer:I'll stop drinking. My liver can take it.

Liver:Hey! I'm trying here!

Homer:Shut up, liver!

Liver:I'm in pain!

Homer:Well, join the club.

Homer:I'm a pilot.

Bartender:What do you fly?

Homer:Uh... a desk.

Homer:I'll pilot the plane! Me! Pick me!

Flight Instructor:Great. Just one thing - we're expecting some pretty windy conditions today.

Homer:Windy? No way. I'm out. Someone else can do it.

Real Pilot:Are you a real pilot?

Homer:No, not at all.

Real Pilot:Ha ha, good one!

Homer:Hey, how about you take the controls for a while? Give me a break.

Alan:Sure, Homer. I'd be happy to help out.

Homer:Thanks. You know, it's a real change of pace having someone else do the work around here. I appreciate the favor.

Alan:We're gonna crash.

Airline executive:We're offering free tickets anywhere in the United States.

Airline executive:Well, except Alaska and Hawaii. Those are freak states.

Homer:Come on Marge, a vacation would be great for you!

Marge:Homer, I don't know. There's so much to do around the house.

Homer:That's the beauty of it! You can do all that stuff at the hotel!

Homer:I'm gonna travel the world, see exotic lands, experience different cultures!

Marge:That sounds wonderful, Homer.

Homer:Yeah, I'll go to Paris, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro...

Bart:Cool, Dad!

Homer:Or I could just go to the Kwik-E-Mart and get a Squishee in a different flavor.

Homer:You know, I'd like to travel around the world and experience all the different names for the same sandwich.

Marge:Homer, that's just a submarine sandwich.

Homer:Well, maybe to you it is, Marge. But to me, it's a journey of discovery.

Passenger:These seats are impossibly small! My knees are practically in my chest!

Flight Attendant:Sir, that's just a baby.

Passenger:Well, she's taking up valuable legroom. Can't you gate-check her?

Grandpa Simpson:Look at all those tiny cars down there. It's just like looking at my prostate — everything's small and shriveled up!

Homer:Wow, first class! They're really going to pamper us!

Bart:Dad, 'pamper' doesn't mean diapers.

Homer:Oh... I was wondering why they kept asking my age.

Homer:Marge, what's wrong? Are you sick? Did you eat some bad clams? Oh! Is it gas?

Marge:Homer, I'm worried about the bills. We're drowning in debt.

Homer:Gas? Did you say gas again?

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. We'll take that trip. We just have to wait for the next disaster.

Marge:Homer, that could be years away!

Homer:I know. But when it comes, we'll be ready.

Homer:Not everyone has fears, Lisa.

Lisa:What about sock puppets?

Homer:AAAHHH! Why would you say that?!

Marge:Oh my stars! Snowball and Santa's Little Helper aren't married and they're living together!

Marge:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! The casserole dish has a chip in it! A CHIP! Do you know what this means? It's ruined! RUINED! How will I ever show my face at the potluck? Everyone will see this chip and know that I'm a failure as a homemaker, as a wife, as a mother, as a human being! My life is over!

Homer:Marge, why are you so jumpy lately?

Bart:Yeah, Mom, you're like checking the locks every five seconds.

Lisa:Your cortisol levels must be through the roof.

Marge:Well, ever since I saw that documentary about home invasions, I can't help myself. Did you know that most burglaries happen between 9 AM and 5 PM when people are at work? Or between midnight and 4 AM when they're sleeping? So basically, all the time!

Homer:Marge, that's literally every hour of the day.

Marge:Exactly! That's why I'm hypervigilant!

Marge:I don't believe in therapy. All that talking just dredges up painful memories. Besides, I have more important things to worry about—like what the neighbors think of me.

Homer:Instead of therapy, I could just talk to you for $10 an hour.

Moe:$10 an hour? That's expensive!

Radio Psychic:You will experience great fortune and prosperity in your future.

Caller 1:Really? That's wonderful!

Radio Psychic:You will experience great fortune and prosperity in your future.

Caller 2:Wow, thank you!

Radio Psychic:You will experience great fortune and prosperity in your future.

Caller 3:That's amazing!

Homer:Yeah, hi, I'd like to request that song that was playing at Moe's earlier.

Radio Host:Sure, what's the name of it?

Homer:I don't know, but it goes like... duh duh duh duh.

Radio Host:Uh, that's not much to go on.

Homer:Well, Moe ripped it off his jukebox, so it must've been pretty bad.

Homer:Why would they eat each other? There's probably a perfectly good flight attendant they could eat first.

Marge:Homer!

Bart:Dude, that's cool!

Homer:You're grounded! No saxophone for a week!

Lisa:But Dad, I love practicing my saxophone.

Homer:Exactly! That's why you can't do it!

Lisa:Wait, so you're punishing me by taking away something I enjoy?

Homer:Yes! Now stop talking back!

Lisa:But if I enjoy it, isn't that a reward for good behavior?

Homer:No, it's... it's a punishment because I said so!

Lisa:That's not logically consistent, Dad.

Homer:Well, your face isn't logically consistent!

Lisa:What does that even mean?

Homer:I don't know, but you're still grounded!

Principal Skinner:I'm here to discuss Bart's behavior. He's been acting out in class, and I wanted to schedule a parent-teacher conference with his mother to address these issues.

Principal Skinner:Of course, I mean... to discuss his academic performance. I certainly wasn't thinking about seeing Marge again, or how lovely she looked last Tuesday.

Dr. Zweig:I have a sliding scale for patients with financial difficulties.

Homer:So how low does it go?

Dr. Zweig:Well, I charge based on your income.

Homer:My income? Doc, I don't have an income. I have a job, but no income.

Dr. Zweig:I see. Well, perhaps we can work something out.

Homer:Great! So what's the lowest you'll go?

Dr. Zweig:Five dollars a session.

Homer:Four dollars.

Dr. Zweig:I'm afraid that's my lowest rate.

Homer:Three dollars. Final offer.

Dr. Marvin Monroe:Right on schedule. Twelve o'clock exactly.

Homer Simpson:Yeah, like clockwork.

Young Marge:When the teacher said we were having a fire drill, I thought we were actually going to drill for fire.

Young Marge:So I brought a drill to school.

Young Marge:I can't go to the bathroom at school. What if everyone sees me?

Teacher:Marge, it's a private stall.

Young Marge:Oh! So we all go together?

Mean kid:Hey, look at Marge and her stupid Monkees poster! What a dork!

Young Marge:They're not stupid! Davy Jones is a musical genius!

Mean kid:Oh please. And that hair of yours looks ridiculous. You think you're cool with that blue beehive?

Young Marge:This is my natural hair!

Mean kid:Natural? It's not even real. That's just a hat, isn't it?

Dr. Zweig:The Monkees were a manufactured pop group, which is deeply concerning. This suggests a fundamental lack of authenticity in your musical preferences, which likely stems from childhood abandonment issues or possibly a chemical imbalance.

Dr. Zweig:In your dream, you were driving a car made of bacon while your children turned into donuts. This suggests you have deep-seated anxieties about nutrition and family stability.

Dr. Zweig:Of course, it's also technically illegal to operate a bacon-based vehicle on public roads, so that's another issue we should probably discuss with a lawyer.

Marge:Well, you know, it's funny you mention England because it's actually smaller than a typical therapy office, which really puts things in perspective when you think about it.

Marge:I've never told anyone this, but my father... he was a funeral director.

Dr. Zweig:Your father was a pioneer in his field.

Marge:Well, he was more of a dabbler, really.

Dr. Zweig:Your psyche is like a plane that has experienced multiple catastrophic crashes, each one leaving deeper scars upon the fuselage of your soul.

Doctor:Homer, I think we should continue our sessions. You're still very angry.

Homer:But Doc, I haven't punched anyone in three days.

Doctor:That's... not really a measure of mental health.

Homer:For me it is.

Marge:Dr. Zweig, I just want to say thank you for everything you've done for me. You've been such a wonderful therapist.

Dr. Zweig:Well, Marge, it's been a pleasure working with you.

Marge:Goodbye, Dr. Zweigg. I'll never forget you.

Dr. Zweig:Actually, it's Zweig, not Zweigg.

Marge:Yes, Dr. Zweigg. Take care!

Homer:See, Marge? The engines go 'whoooosh' when they push the air out the back.

Marge:That doesn't sound right, Homer.

Homer:And then the wheels go 'ka-chunk' when they come down, and the whole plane goes 'neeeeooowww' as it lands.

Marge:Homer, you're just making noises.

Homer:And if we're really lucky, the plane will go 'boing-boing-boing' and bounce into the sky like a big metal ball!