Principal Skinner

The preferred spelling of'wiener' is w-i-e-n-e-r... although 'e-i' is an acceptable ethnic variant.

you might say you caught him red-handed.

No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up. It's time for class

Mother, please don't call me Spanky on school grounds.

Now hold it right there, you little-- Mother?

I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.

In this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbours throughout the world.

The sheer contempt makes me wish I could use the board of education.

These pants come off at night just like everybody else's.

Be still, my foolish heart.

Marvelous. Just marvelous.

Food tastes better when you're revolving.

Little Jimmy Pearson. Class of '71, right? Get this woman a glass of water! And tuck in your shirt. Nearly 30 and still working as a busboy! Standardized testing never lies.

Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen. Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.

Isn't it nice we hate the same things?

Oh, I wish I could make a P.A. announcement to the whole world. Attention! Seymour Skinner is in love!

Jeezum Crow! Look at the size of that rock! The second most precious jewel here.

Oh, Springfield Elementary, I will have you back again! After all, tomorrow is another school day!

Bart Simpson, I know it's you!

And it's been the backbone of our country since Stanford drove in that golden spike.

I see he touched you too.

Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the P.T.A. You're making me lick envelopes?

Licking envelopes can be fun. Just make a game of it. What kind of game? Well, see how many you can lick in an hour. Then try to break that record. Sounds like a pretty crappy game.

You didn't believe me when I said it would be fun, did you? No, thir.

Tan I doe now? What? 'Tan... I... doe... now?'

Some large men to see you, sir. I don't have an appointment with any large men.

And how did you get past the hall monitors?

I made a game of seeing how many times I could bounce the ball, and breaking that record.

Get bent. I deserve that.

Let me caution the people in the first five rows-- You will get wet.

The doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out after your own child has performed.

That young man just became... the boy of a thousand days detention.

I'd like to put this filth behind us... and let's all enjoy... Lisa Simpson's rendition... of 'Stormy Leather.' / Uh, 'Weather.'

Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson... and her wacky sax. / Yeah! Whoo! / Must be her father.

Ooh... careful now. That one grazed my ear. Don't move. You could really get hurt.

Sleek, vigilant puma-- principal of the mountains.

you really have to wonder at the mentality... that would desecrate a helpless puma.

Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy?

Let's can the euphemisms. How would you like to be a hall monitor?

and this plastic derriere.

There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

Does anyone know... the multiplication table? Please, don't panic. They can smell fear.

Simpson, you've just saved this school $120.

400 days. I can do that standing on my head. All right, 500 days. Ooh! Big man! 600 days.

Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade when I got back from 'Nam. Instead, they spat on me. I can still feel it searing.

I can still feel it searing.

I see you beat that bed-wetting problem. Don't worry. They'll forget... just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months.

Every night I wake up screaming. Well, let's meet your classmates.

Please say a big elementary school hello to Samantha Stinky. Stanky. Oh, right. How embarrassing for you. Well, good-bye.

Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction. Now, let's trash this dump.

I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.

Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup!

Principal Skinner, 'The Happiest Place on Earth' is a registered Disneyland copyright.

Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.

[Groaning, Gagging] [Gasps] [Groans] Copyright expired. And... begin!

So long... science. Ah, music and art.

Good Lord! That's a 900 number.

Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore!

Skinner's announcement about 'crude, off-color sentiments' on candy hearts, 'possibly Bart Simpson'

Skinner's self-blame revelation: 'So Mother was right. It was my fault.'

Lisa, every good scientist is half B.F. Skinner and half P.T. Barnum.

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys... to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?

Skinner's panicked 'That wasn't discussed with me' about the lobster transformation

I mean, it sounds so made-up. 'Yom Kip Pur.'

Grease yourself up and go in, you-- you guff-speaking work slacker. - Ooh, good comeback.

Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! - Seymour. - Hmm? - You're fired!

I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? - No. I said you were fired. - Oh. That's much worse.

I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus.

Well, these new Italian loafers will make short work of it.

We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-principal. - That's not true. I can buy a new pair. - No, I can't. I needed those. I really did.

I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake!

Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention... and put the whole school on the honor system? - Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.

but they might have been saying 'skim milk.' - Yeah, yeah.

I don't know, but I've been told - The Parthenon is mighty old - How old - We don't know - That's real good but needs improvement

Up yours, Sergeant! - Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it.

Just make a pass at your commanding officer. - Done and done. And I mean done.

Well, children, our new ultra-hard Posturific chairs have arrived. They've been designed by eminent posturologists... to eliminate slouching by the year 3000.

Inconclusive. I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants. We only had one volunteer.

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a good cop/bad cop routine gone wrong

If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here-- the Springfield Natural History Museum.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

A spoor! His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention.

I wish someone was around to hear that.

And so we enter endgame.

Oh, he's close. I can taste his fear.

Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday. And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off... to the Christian Military Reform School.

I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class... your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.

Bart Simpson, for the heinous crime of hooky... I sentence you to a lifetime of hard labor in the cafeteria. More creamed corn, Jimbo Jr.? This creamed corn tastes like creamed crap. Watch the potty mouth, honey.

Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy, even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school. I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh. I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention.

Wait a minute, Bart. Make that... four months detention.

As a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running. You spared me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.

It's a cow's heart. Them trying to make a monkey out of you.

Little sterile. No real insight. What do you think, Miss Hoover? This has been a very disappointing day.

Prepackaged Star Wars characters still in their display box? Are those limited edition figures? What's a diorama?

There is to be no wising off... no face-making and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph.

Well, yes. But not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.

Congratulations, Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months' detention. There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest!

Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that.

I have many, many issues with my beloved smother... Mother.

our most propane-explosion-free Science Week ever

I can't say I approve of the 'whoo,' but the 'hurrah' was quite heartening

Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection. If you have a failing.

Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules César Janssen.

Blueprints of the dummy, notarized photos of you making the dummy, and an alternate wording for the banner.

There's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention. Science has it all.

Once. But by the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek.

I got back at him, though. Him and that little boy of his.

No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart? - Hell, no. - Good.

Got you, my rumpy doppelgänger.

Oh, look, here comes Lumpy, the school snake. / Help! Help! / Oh, Lord.

Well, in many cases, the floor is the best... Oh, look, here comes Lumpy, the school snake.

And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum.

Hopefully not forever.

Is there nothing so intoxicating as the school hallway at early morn?

Poor fellow. Crushed by his own water bottle.

What's that say under your hand there? Oh, it's an unrelated article. It's an unrelated article. Within the banner headline.

That's odd. I don't have a secretary. Or an intercom. But send them in.

That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.

Please don't waste those.

Now I did- I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns.

Blast! I took mother's makeup kit by mistake.

Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

One of your favorite comic book heroes, 'Radio Man'- Radioactive Man, stupid! Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that.

Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.

What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in 'scalpal' hygiene?

Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house!

Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated.

For privacy's sake, let's call her Lisa S. No, that's too obvious. Uh, let's say L. Simpson

Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

Remember, class, the worse you do on this standardized test... the more funding the school gets, so don't knock yourselves out.

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him.

Well, it's a moot point as I have only one tie to begin with.

Willie, please! The children want to pick on someone their own size.

Your daughter is named Seymour? Well, I-Yeah. I lied. It's for me.

This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem!

Got kicked off the force for one thing. - For massive corruption. - For massive- Exactly.

Oh, sure, I left briefly to take that principal's job in Springfield. But, in my heart, I've- I've always been a small-time hustler.

Bleh! Looks like you've already got an enemy, Chief.

Well, to be honest, Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years. Although, uh, according to an article I read in Parade magazine...

Oh, Chief, your boy's been kidnapped. - Oh, God!

Who is this? - It's me, Chief. I'm on the other extension.

Nah, it's not really a party town. Though, if I remember correctly... they occasionally hold a function called Mardi-something.

Ah, it's not rented, Chief. It's stolen. That's the Louisiana Governor's Mansion. It's been missing for eight months.

He's gradually getting away, Chief.

Superintendent Chalmers, can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevarine?

Nevertheless, I have a surprise for you.

An enjoyment buzzer.

I'm Principal Sinner- Skinner. [Laughing] Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.

Oh, that's it. You're dead, pal! Hey, now, that's uncalled for. Shut your hole, Skinner!

All honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig! Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archeological dig.

Remember, Otto. We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource: the school bus.

Well, I'm a Gypsy. / Oh, really? Prove it. / [Imitating Dracula] 'I vant to suck your blood!' / Nuh-uh. That's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered.

and Sherri, but not Terri. / Ha-ha!

Until you're willing to file jointly, back of the line, Seymour!

I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.

But when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock-and-bull story. They're out for cleaning or whatever.

Ah! I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa? [Chuckling] [Forced Chuckle]

I don't know. The ponies might be startled by the loud music. - Well, there wouldn't be ponies. - Oh.

School dance? I didn't approve any school dance. Yes, you did. Yesterday, right by my locker. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Um, carry on.

Mother has a june bug cornered in the basement, and she needs me to finish it off.

Oh, good old predictable Lisa. I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb.

Oh. Or should I say 'Grinskeeper'? No, I'm sorry. Groundskeeper was correct.

Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first.

Remember this moment, people- 80 past 2:00 on April 47th. It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.